Hi.
First off, I have to say that I really admire your courage in speaking out and asking for help. This suggests real humility and commitment to purpose, which can only be a positive reflection on you. Especially as this is an area of difficulty for so many, men and women alike but is something about which most of us are very reluctant to admit to, much less discuss openly and, especially, ask for help. Good for you for sticking your head above the parapet to face possible censure and criticism!
For the record, I am a woman, previously married with children, now underway on a spiritual journey, the direction of which I cannot determine. A vocation, of sorts but as a lay person. I have a boyfriend, thousands of miles away, also RC, who I will see very infrequently and you can imagine how difficult this particular issue is for us, not least as we both feel we have work to do for God but love each other, however, wish not to compromise our spiritual connection with God, to whom we are so very grateful.
A couple of suggestions. Have a look at Pope John Paul’s “Theology of the Body”. It’s inspired and beautiful and very encouraging for single, married and ordained alike. There’s loads about it on the internet and, I understand, conferences in the US. I hadn’t realised that in conjunction with his working life, before he took Holy Orders, that he was a philosopher too. He really was, and remains, truly remarkable.
The other thing that you could try is music. Do you sing? If so, try something absorbing, a little challenging, so that you have to pay attention to the music (breathing, phrasing, expression etc) which will serve as a distraction. Make every effort to really throw yourself into it, to perform at your very best because our ability to sing is another gift, and how best to express gratitude than in making the most of it, offering it up with love. You never know, it may do wonders for your technique, if you are suffering a great deal of distraction! If you have access to a computer, privately, or have iTunes or something (I’m not an I.T. girl) on your phone or an MP3 player, you can follow recordings or videos on YouTube. Try Handel’s “Messiah”, Taverner’s “Song for Athene”, Bach’s “St. Matthew’s Passion”, as starting point. I like Pergolesi, amongst many others. Nothing can reach me when I’m listening to the “Stabat Mater”.
If you don’t really sing, listening to music can make such a difference to changing one’s mood. Classical music is especially good but avoid anything that may help to recall unhelpful memories, such as associations with past loves etc. The choices are endless, of course. Try “Venus, bringer of peace”, from Holst’s “The Planets”. Or for something entirely different: Count Basie, Simon and Garfunkel, the musicals, something your Mom or Dad used to sing. Something bouncy rather than a ballad or seductive is obviously preferable. Also hymns, canticles, plainsong, spiritual music (can you honestly imagine doing anything you shouldn’t while singing “Amazing Grace”, for instance?) Or silly songs that make you laugh because they are nonsense, really, on account of the associations that they hold. Like I said, no end to the choices. If you combine music with something energetic, like a run or a walk - noticing carefully all the minutiae of God’s wonderful creation as you go, better still.
A very good idea is to ring someone for a chat. Take your time over it. Someone who means something, a parent, sibling, friend. Really get into what’s going on with them. Charity in action, by providing loving support and because you are concentrating on the other person, your mind has been taken off the other problem. I imagine that this would be particularly effective if you were to pick someone who is suffering doubt, confusion, depression or anything difficult. Empathy for others is a great way to help us stop thinking of our selves and if we then truly apply our minds to tackling that person’s problems - looking for viable solutions - as well as doing our best to give encouragement and support, it will have been a very worthwhile experience for both of you.
Lastly, have you considered writing a diary and using Ignatian spiritual exercises, using reflection to really examine underlying difficulties. It demands attention, application, total honesty but is very revealing and helpful. This is usually best done under the guidance of a spiritual director, I understand.
Remember, as St. Paul tells us in Ephesians 6: “Pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests”. The Holy Spirit is so vastly underappreciated and overlooked. He is such an inspiration, consoler and friend. If you need guidance, you can do no better. Speak openly, you know that our prayers are always heard. Make time for this when you are not feeling desire and then make the time to be very quiet, open your mind and heart entirely, saying nothing, after all, He knows everything and give Him the opportunity to talk to you. Don’t be disappointed if you hear or feel nothing. Just do it regularly. You know that He’s there, that itself makes it a comforting experience and He appreciates the your time and complete availability to Him, I am sure. It’s calming and soothing. It opens our spiritual connectivity, putting our minds in a higher place, making it easier to overcome temptation because we become increasingly fixed on improving that connection. With Pentecost almost upon us, it’s an ideal time to do this. Don’t underestimate, either, the benefits of saying the Rosary, regularly. Just concentrate on the meaning of each mystery as you go. (I’m probably telling you stuff now that you already do but just in case…)
I will include you in my prayers. God bless you.
