I need some guidance. In laws living in my house

[Wesrock]

My in-laws moved to our area, mother and father in law plus my sister in law and her husband, plus their two kids under three years, and their Maine Coone cat. They were to stay three months while they got jobs and their own place. They are still on track for that, at least.

We have three bedrooms, though one is used as an office as I’m a work at home, so we essentially only have two. My wife and I have one. My in laws have taken the bedroom and the living room for sleeping.

A few nights ago they started putting the infant to bed downstairs in the living room at 7:30 instead of the bedroom (the two year old apparently stays up to 9 most nights). Admittedly, my wife and I don’t often stay up past 8 or 8:30. She has a very early shift. But there are exceptions. Still, we didn’t feel it right that our living space be shut down at 7:30 and felt that, with a perfectly good bedroom upstairs, the kids should sleep there at night.

I politely asked my in laws to have the kids sleep up stairs yesterday afternoon. I come to find out now that they put them to sleep downstairs anyway.

I don’t know how to react to this. I feel like it’s between letting them just blatantly ignore their host’s request and going downstairs and letting them know how displeased I am, which I know my father in law will take issue with, and may lead to mutual venting.

I need some counseling or guidance on the appropriate Christian action. Does anyone have any advice? Was my request unreasonable to begin with? What do I do now that they’ve ignored me? Thank you.

Edit: I was also considering moving my office into the master bedroom (my wife leaves for work before I even start) and giving them the third bedroom, leaving the living room completely open at night. Would this be appropriate? Or rude? They will take it that way regardless.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

You let two couples plus two children and a cat move into your house for three months? Perhaps that was an ill advised decision, asking for trouble. You are quite within your rights to have a talk about house rules. Don’t expect it to make anyone happy, however. Yes, you should move your office temporarily if that is at all possible.

 

[crenfro]

Hello.

What a kind and generous person you are!

Don’t know what to tell you, however. I do know that people need a place of refuge, peace and quiet and calm in their homes.

Also know that we all need to establish boundaries, within the confines of love, but what yours should be, I can’t tell you.

Is there a wise, kind and holy priest you can talk to, or a counselor with the same attributes you could make an appointment with to discuss your situation?

Placing you in the enclosed garden of the most Sacred Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Call the Orkin man! I’m sure they are as antsy as you, just tryand keep to the timeline. Good Luck! Temping out your office would be a sign of trying to accomodate, just don’t make them too comfortable!

 

[mommy_k]

I would say it right away when you see the room like that.then tell them you understand but this is how you feel about it.
Actually, have your spouse address this in the manner above.

 

[Wesrock]

Actually, have your spouse address this in the manner above.

Oh, bad idea!

My spouse has always butted heads with her parents and has a lower tolerance than I do and is, er… less diplomatic. To put it simply, I had to make her agree to let me do the talking when things come up to keep things civil.

But thank you everyone so far for the advice. I’m a little relieved that me wanting to confront them on it, tactfully, was not just me being frustrated.

 

[pianistclare]

People resoind better when they feel like they have options/choices:

Option #1 Put both the kids to bed at the same time, maybe 8:30 since that’s when the house shuts down

Option #2 Move them into the office and your office to your bedroom.

Be aware though, that if you make their lives too easy, they’ll drag their heels about finding other shelter.
You’re trying to be nice, I get it, but they have to realize that you two have lives and jobs of your own. Help is wonderful, but taking advantage of generosity is in really bad form.

Good luck!

Clare

 

[underacloud]

I would ask your wife to handle it. When it comes to problems in my family, I am the one to confront my family members and my husband is the one to confront his family members. It just seems easier that way.

Ask your wife to tell her sister/brother “Hey, quit putting your kids to bed out here it bugs me” or however she wants to put it. Remember they have a communication style that goes back to when she was a small girl so better for her to handle it, just my two cents.

Yes, I agree. There may be exceptions, but 99% of the time this is the best idea.

Even if they “butt heads” over it, that is their communication dynamic and it’s better that they have such a confrontation than you get involved in it. When families have a habit of butting heads, they usually have a habit of moving on afterwards - a habit that you won’t necessarily have developed with them.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Definitely let your wife do the talking. If she buts heads with the in-laws, you will take her side. If you butt heads with them…depending on what is said, she may take their side.

Honestly, I have to wonder why you are even asking. I can help but think it is a well know fact your house, your rules:shrug:

 

[Wesrock]

My in laws don’t really have the usual social graces you’d expect with a guest…

I’ll let my wife do some talking. I can guarantee she would not take their side after anything I say, though (she already thinks I don’t go far enough), and I was using severe understatement in the last post. Almost everything she says to them is in an accusatory tone and manner, whether it warrants it or not. She drops passive aggressive insulting remarks about various small things or about the neighborhood they’re moving to (which she thinks is bad). She also can’t stay on point when we’ve agreed something needs to be addressed, and has on a few occassions gone on half hour litanies of grievances, no matter how trivial, at them, pointed and laced with insults, which undermines our argument, even if it is about true things, and doesn’t take my hints that it should stop. It’s impossible to stay on point, or to be on her side for every rude and offensive remark she hurls. Not that I disagree, but she moves so quickly any point I’d like to confirm with her in a diplomatic and more positiive way is lost.

 

[Wesrock]

My in laws lack the social graces you’d expect in a guest. I understated the reason I’ve taken over presenting things… I’ll just say that, but I’ll try to ask my wife to talk more. I can guarantee there’s nothing I could say that would cause her to take their side, though. Anything I say she’d restate 100x more aggressively than I would. Please trust me on that one…

 

[ahs]

My in laws lack the social graces you’d expect in a guest. I understated the reason I’ve taken over presenting things… I’ll just say that, but I’ll try to ask my wife to talk more. I can guarantee there’s nothing I could say that would cause her to take their side, though. Anything I say she’d restate 100x more aggressively than I would. Please trust me on that one…

Your home; your rules. If a person doesn’t respect you enough to follow basic requests in your own home, then they don’t respect you. You are under no obligation to them. It is perfectly acceptable, and Christian, to say, “We love you very much, and if you don’t respect us enough to follow our basic house rules, then you cannot stay here”.

I once read a book called “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. It changed my life forever, in a most positive way. Those in my life who could not respect my “no” did get ruffled feathers, and there was a period of several months where things got raw. But here we all are several years later, much happier and with a fuller and more meaningful relationship all around.

Link to the book. The authors approach it from a Christian view, and I don’t recall a single thing in there which contradicted the One True Faith:
amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

 

[pianistclare]

My in laws lack the social graces you’d expect in a guest. I understated the reason I’ve taken over presenting things… I’ll just say that, but I’ll try to ask my wife to talk more. I can guarantee there’s nothing I could say that would cause her to take their side, though. Anything I say she’d restate 100x more aggressively than I would. Please trust me on that one…

Good. So lay down the law.
Either you put the children to bed at the same time: 830
or
you can move into my office and I’ll move my office TEMPORARILY unto my bedroom.
Explain that you;'d be willing to make that accommodation for (insert length of time here).

Be blunt.
There’s no other way.
If your wife can pull it off, all the better.

 

[mommy_k]

Ok-they are agressive type. So don’t use sentances that start with “I”.

Say this when they put the baby down etc–"You need to bring the baby upstairs so we can watch tv/relax etc.

“You need to” is a phrase that will work. Not-“I would like you to”—

Hth.

 

[dixieagle]

Your home; your rules. If a person doesn’t respect you enough to follow basic requests in your own home, then they don’t respect you. You are under no obligation to them. It is perfectly acceptable, and Christian, to say, “We love you very much, and if you don’t respect us enough to follow our basic house rules, then you cannot stay here”.

I once read a book called “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. It changed my life forever, in a most positive way. Those in my life who could not respect my “no” did get ruffled feathers, and there was a period of several months where things got raw. But here we all are several years later, much happier and with a fuller and more meaningful relationship all around.

Link to the book. The authors approach it from a Christian view, and I don’t recall a single thing in there which contradicted the One True Faith:
amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

This… times 1000. Your home, your rules. You have already gone above and beyond by agreeing to house them for three months. If they don’t possess the “social graces”, as you mention, then you (your wife, actually) must - respectfully but firmly - teach them.

 

[Wesrock]

Thank you all again for your help. They took to the idea of moving to the new bedroom well and slept their last night, kids included.y wife brought it up and I chimed in with support. We didn’t make it an issue for discussion, but neither was it an order. It was simply “we have this great idea we are going to do… it’ll allow you to have more privacy, more space…” Thankfully they didn’t object. The master bedroom is a little more cramped with my desk in there, and I don’t think it’s possible to get any closer to literally rolling out of bed to work, but the room was large to begin with so work will still go well. Just six more weeks to go.

I would like to check out that book recommendation, too. Thank you.

 

[pianistclare]

Great news! Also, thanks for taking everyone’s word in the manner they were given. Some people ask for help and get offended. It was a pleasure to talk to you, :tiphat:

Thank you all again for your help. They took to the idea of moving to the new bedroom well and slept their last night, kids included.y wife brought it up and I chimed in with support. We didn’t make it an issue for discussion, but neither was it an order. It was simply “we have this great idea we are going to do… it’ll allow you to have more privacy, more space…” Thankfully they didn’t object. The master bedroom is a little more cramped with my desk in there, and I don’t think it’s possible to get any closer to literally rolling out of bed to work, but the room was large to begin with so work will still go well. Just six more weeks to go.

I would like to check out that book recommendation, too. Thank you.

 

[dixieagle]

Thank you all again for your help. They took to the idea of moving to the new bedroom well and slept their last night, kids included.y wife brought it up and I chimed in with support. We didn’t make it an issue for discussion, but neither was it an order. It was simply “we have this great idea we are going to do… it’ll allow you to have more privacy, more space…” Thankfully they didn’t object. The master bedroom is a little more cramped with my desk in there, and I don’t think it’s possible to get any closer to literally rolling out of bed to work, but the room was large to begin with so work will still go well. Just six more weeks to go.

I would like to check out that book recommendation, too. Thank you.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Man they are lucky it wasn’t me I wouldn’t have been so nice about their lack of basic manners. In future don’t give then an option just say this is house rules you are free to leave at any time.