I need soooo much help, I don't know where to start

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rday22

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I don’t know how to start this post, I guess I am reaching out in desperation for someone to help.

I am extremely depressed. I suffer from severe depression. In fact, as I write this, I feel as though I am completely alone and life is hopeless. I don’t know that I am suicidal, I don’t think so. Whenever I think of suicide I remind myself that suicide is a sin and the thoughts go away.

I am crying as I write this.

I have a beautiful wife and three great kids. My oldest child is severely disabled, but he has the purest heart and is always smiling. My wife spends all of her time working her part time job that is really a “hobby” for her, or doing work at the kids’ school (they go to a local Catholic School) or work at the Church. There is no intimacy in our marriage anymore.

I own my own business, but every month is a struggle to make ends meet. I just found out the other night that I am being sued by a former employee for sexual harassment because of an email I sent back in February. The former employee always seemed as though she was happy at work, even after the email was sent. She confronted me and I admitted to what I did and promised never to do it again. I have gone to counseling and have been trying to repair the trust I destroyed. She left two weeks ago for another job and then suddenly I get contacted by her lawyer and he says he is suing me FOR AT LEAST $450,000.00.

I don’t have that kind of money. I am in debt up to my eyeballs, I think I owe everyone money. But that doesn’t stop my wife from buying a new dress or a new pair of shoes every week. I am wearing the same shoes to work that I have been wearing for 9 years.

My business relies upon my good name. If I declare bankruptcy, or if I am sued for sexual harassment, I will lose my clients and my business will go under, so I have to do everything I can to make these problems go away.

I make mistakes like everyone. I am mindful to forgive others when they do something “against” me. Why can’t the former employee forgive me? She knows I don’t have that kind of money. She knows it will bankrupt me. She comes from a very Christian family, but she “left the flock” and I believe she is atheist, I don’t know. I didn’t mean to harm anyone, it was a mistake in judgment on my part. A one-time occurrence.

I feel like such a fake. Everyone thinks I have everything together when I know otherwise. I am under sooooo much pressure, so much stress, and the depression is just overwhelming, especially now.

Maybe I am just blubbering now. If I am, I am sorry for wasting your time. It is just that I am at my wits end. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like giving up. I don’t know what giving up means - running away, suicide, quitting everything and becoming a bum. I don’t know. I just want it all to stop.

I don’t know who to talk to in the church. The priest? who?

The only constant for me over the last three years since I converted has been the Church. I often think about joining the priesthood so I can live a simpler, more fulfilling life without these stressors.

If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it. My wife is tired of this, I know. She is tired of worrying about whether I am coming home from work or not. Tired of worrying if I am going to kill myself or not. I am trying my best to hide my level of depression from her, but it is becoming harder and harder to do.

I just need some help.
 
See a doctor about the depression before it takes a hold.

See a priest too.

Sit down and have a long talk to your wife. Maybe you need to start afresh regarding work. Bankruptcy may be a good thing in your case? A clean fresh start!

Pray to God and ask for guidance
 
Thanks for the response. I guess I should also explain that I have been taking depression medication for 11 years, and I am on some pretty strong meds.

Is this the kind of thing a priest can help with? I am just lost…
 
Yes, a priest may be able to help for sure.
You ought also consider outside counseling with a good therapist.
Counseling can restore perspective, which is lost when we are in such throes, and there’s too much on the camel’s back…to help you remove some that are really just straws but for all the world seem like ton weights. Let the lady sue if she has the money to pay her lawyer. Doesn’t mean she’s going to win or get any money out of you.

I know of men who have been in your situation. It’s hard.
In one case it was failure of his business…later on, that turned out to be a blessing, as he wound up in a much less stressful employment.
This too shall pass, and you can get through it.
You will get through it.
 
Rday22…

Please stay strong brother. Everyone sees tough times, and God may challenge you with times that are tougher than most have to deal with. But that is just an opportunity to stay the course! Go to mass, say the Rosary, vent to God about your life and ask him for guidance. Talk with your wife about the situation and be honest with her… “Share your burdens” as John Paul II once said.

Suicide isn’t the answer… You have a family who needs you. Life WILL get better! That’s a guarantee. Whenever you feel down feel free to post on these forums or even direct message me. We are all your brothers and sisters in Christ… I love you and I’ll be praying for you!

God bless
 
I am very sorry for all the trials you are going through.

Depression is a battle. I pray God gives you victory over your suicidal thoughts. :signofcross:

St. Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray,
and do thou,
O Prince of the heavenly hosts,
by the power of God,
thrust into hell Satan,
and all the evil spirits,
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.
 
rday22 said:
Thanks for the response. I guess I should also explain that I have been taking depression medication for 11 years, and I am on some pretty strong meds.

.
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Might want to let the doctor who prescribed your meds know what’s going on…
 
There’s the old joke about how one eats an elephant. The answer is “one bite at a time”.

Need to break your issues down to bite-size chunks that you can address. Those you can fix now, those you can make a stab at, those you can put off.

Consider how to get your wife on board; her spending has to be confronted and reined in or she is not supporting you. Consider browsing Dave Ramsey and similar sites for tips on getting frugal with your expenses.

May need to consider bankruptcy. If you do this in good faith and only as a last resort, there is nothing wrong morally with going there if you have to. You’re only ruined if you think you are, that is the devil whispering in your ear.

God bless.
 
That’s awful of the employee suing like that. Seems quite excessive and money hungry, selfish. The US is getting that way, running off and being sue happy, trying to sue over nothing and for hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars, much of the time on frivolous lawsuits…for “pain and suffering”. In the end, these injustices really hurt everyone, ruining their lives and careers.

My brother is a doctor, and he has been in this for decades, just loves it. One patient reported him for giving him a medication, which the patient abused, tried to commit suicide with it or something, blamed my brother for trying to help him! Instead of the patient acknowledging his fault at deliberately misusing the medication, he tried to blame it on my brother, and it worked!

The US is honestly so crazy.

My brother wasn’t allowed to even know which patient it was, couldn’t even defend himself. Another doctor, who had been through this very same thing, helped my brother.

I also knew of a case where a friend of mine had a son who was a psychologist. A former client, a felon, was suing him for sexual harrassment, though nothing had happened. The judge said he wouldn’t ruin a man’s career by a known felon.

I got a degree in social work, and we were deathly afraid to even touch a client, had to always leave the door open, or risk being falsely accused of some sexual crimes.

I live in Mexico, now, where it’s the exact opposite. We can touch each other without being falsely accused of harrassment. Even a doctor can touch a patient without being falsely accused. Can you believe that?!

I liked what Texas did at one point, that if a lawsuit was determined to be “frivolous”, it would carry a very stiff fine.

In the US, I had to have sort of like malpractice insurance as a social work student. Even volunteers just about need that, because the US has gone over the deep end, gotten overly litigious.

Wasn’t there a case a while back where someone spilled hot coffee on themselves, sued, was it McDonald’s and won?! For a time, I heard you couldn’t get a cup of hot coffee.

Also, remember how good samaritans would stop at the scene of accidents got sued. It got to the point people didn’t want to be sued for making a mistake in rescue, refused to stop. They had to actually develop a law to protect them.

People slip and fall, want to always blame someone else and get paid a fortune, be able to retire in luxury.

Anyway, had you tried counseling, marriage and individual? Your health insurance might be able to cover at least a few visits.

Maybe a counselor could help work out a budget and help you two on issues of intimacy and other matters of importance.
 
rday22 said:
I am extremely depressed. I suffer from severe depression. In fact, as I write this, I feel as though I am completely alone and life is hopeless. I don’t know that I am suicidal, I don’t think so. Whenever I think of suicide I remind myself that suicide is a sin and the thoughts go away.
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My friend; of course, you feel overwhelmed, trodden down and in despair. Please. Do not do this. God turns the world, time passes and this, too shall pass. One year ago, I called the Gardaí to knock down my bathroom door and help us force our son (who had injured himself) to go to hospital. He was admitted to psychiatric hospital for a time and I thought my life (and his) was over. Today, he is as happy a lad as I could pray for. Please, please, hang in there. x
rday22 said:
I have a beautiful wife and three great kids. My oldest child is severely disabled, but he has the purest heart and is always smiling. My wife spends all of her time working her part time job that is really a “hobby” for her, or doing work at the kids’ school (they go to a local Catholic School) or work at the Church. There is no intimacy in our marriage anymore.
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It sounds as if your wife has sought solace in these things. Perhaps you have found yourselves on two sides of a deep ravine? It happens. Especially when one person is suffering in silence, keeping his feelings hidden for fear of discussing them or change. My dear, you need to reach out and speak to her. You have a beautiful boy and so much history in common. She might only be waiting for you to ‘let her in’.
rday22 said:
I own my own business, but every month is a struggle to make ends meet. I just found out the other night that I am being sued by a former employee for sexual harassment because of an email I sent back in February. The former employee always seemed as though she was happy at work, even after the email was sent. She confronted me and I admitted to what I did and promised never to do it again. I have gone to counselling and have been trying to repair the trust I destroyed. She left two weeks ago for another job and then suddenly I get contacted by her lawyer and he says he is suing me FOR AT LEAST $450,000.00.
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If you have wronged this woman, acting under your illness or from stress, and you have tried to make a sincere apology and explanation to her; it is up to her to accept it or not. This amount seems vindictive to me but I know nothing about US law. I advise that you find a good solicitor to counter her action and try to mitigate towards a smaller settlement.
rday22 said:
I don’t have that kind of money. I am in debt up to my eyeballs, I think I owe everyone money. But that doesn’t stop my wife from buying a new dress or a new pair of shoes every week. I am wearing the same shoes to work that I have been wearing for 9 years.
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These awful problems grow sharp teeth when we don’t turn and face them, head on. In Ireland, many, many people have faced these same problems. Sit down with an accountant or similar and draw up your debtors and cretitors EXACTLY so that the problem is written in black and white, where it can be dealt with, instead of grawing at you all night long.

As to your wife; would she be spending like this if she knew PRECISELY what your financial situation was? Once you have written down the extent of your financial issues; share them with her. Go through every line. She is your life partner and may surprise you with her support, encouragement and help.
rday22 said:
My business relies upon my good name. If I declare bankruptcy, or if I am sued for sexual harassment, I will lose my clients and my business will go under, so I have to do everything I can to make these problems go away.
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These problems won’t ‘go away’ but they can be dealt with. In your depression, worry and pain, your problems have grown so big that suicide is starting to look like a solution, instead of the stroke that will destroy your entire family. Bankruptcy here in Ireland lasts 12 years! In the US, it’s only 1 or 2, right? Death is FOREVER! Is your good name worth even one of your son’s tears?

(continued below)
 
rday22 said:
I make mistakes like everyone. I am mindful to forgive others when they do something “against” me. Why can’t the former employee forgive me? She knows I don’t have that kind of money. She knows it will bankrupt me. She comes from a very Christian family, but she “left the flock” and I believe she is atheist, I don’t know. I didn’t mean to harm anyone, it was a mistake in judgment on my part. A one-time occurrence.
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If you have wronged or offended this woman, then her pain, her disillusion and her suffering is real. You must honestly look at how you’ve treated her, ask - beg - for forgiveness and pray that she will be satisfied with that. You can only govern your own forgiveness. Being forgiving in nature doesn’t guarantee forgiveness. You say ‘she knows’ your situation but does she know how sorry you are? Try once more to speak with her and ask what you can do; short of bankruptcy (and the resulting disruption to her former co-worker’s lives as well as yours) to prove your sincere regret and shame. No not try to minimise her suffering if you were in the wrong. This, more than anything, will make her angry enough to refuse to listen to you.
rday22 said:
I feel like such a fake. Everyone thinks I have everything together when I know otherwise. I am under sooooo much pressure, so much stress, and the depression is just overwhelming, especially now.
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If everyone thinks this, then you have been living a lie. You have kept your anxiety, worry and pain from colleagues, friends and your wife; all of whom could help you. Your first step; your very first step, is to be as honest and as sincere as you could possibly be.
rday22 said:
The only constant for me over the last three years since I converted has been the Church. I often think about joining the priesthood so I can live a simpler, more fulfilling life without these stressors.
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Priests do not have as easy a life as one might imagine, but they DO have fellowship. Fellowship within their order (if they belong to one) of fellow priests, family and friends. Respectfully; I tell you that it seems you have turned within yourself so much; in your depression, your financial and legal worries, in your regret and shame, that you have voluntarily cut yourself off from fellowship. God has given you so much; a family, colleagues and friends. He will send you the help you need but you must walk towards it, not hide and wait for the sky to fall.

Here in Ireland, especially since our financial troubles, many, many men (particularly) have come to crisis because the things they allowed to define them (money, success) were suddenly gone. Our suicide rates among our fathers, brothers, husbands and sons is a nightmare. I have been to so many funerals because someone I loved stopped seeing their blessings and only had eyes for their troubles. Unvoiced and hidden; there troubles grew fat on sorrow and consumed them.

At the same time; other men have lost their businesses and money, but accepted it and moved on. One nan I know well is doing better now than at the height of the boom, having lost everything. He faced up to his problems immediately and sought help where he could.
rday22 said:
If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it. My wife is tired of this, I know. She is tired of worrying about whether I am coming home from work or not. Tired of worrying if I am going to kill myself or not. I am trying my best to hide my level of depression from her, but it is becoming harder and harder to do.

I just need some help.
Click to expand...
My dear brother; these problems will not go away. You must pray for God’s guidance and strength and then turn and face them. Begin now. Ring your wife and tell her you need to talk to her. Tell her everything. Every single thing. Cry out your anxiety and worry. Assure her that, with her help, you can both overcome this. And you can.

Consult an accountant, a solicitor and speak to your doctor. Be honest to the point of brutality. These people will help you. You can see how keeping things to yourself has all but killed you. Never do this again. Speak out; to God first and foremost; to your family and friends, and to your colleagues.

There is a novena beginning today to Our Lady, Undoer of Knots. Pray this Novena. Begin today. There is no bitter tangle of trouble that your Blessed Mother cannot untie. Go to her, to God, and to your wife, family and colleagues. You will find the help that you need.

praymorenovenas.com/

God bless you and keep you safe. I am praying so hard for you. x
 
Praying for you.

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Glory Be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning is now ever shall be world without end
Amen.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy, hear and answer me. Amen

Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion — inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.
 
rday22,

There’s been a lot of good advice upthread.

A few more points:
  1. Your wife is probably self-medicating with her shopping. They don’t call it “retail therapy” for nothing. With a severely depressed husband and a severely disabled child and two more kids, she’s probably at least mildly depressed herself. Talk to her about this possibility.
  2. Can you and your wife do a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University or similar? I would recommend doing an in-person class, even if it’s less convenient, so that you have warm, friendly peer support from people who understand financial troubles. (I took the course from a Baptist pastor who had put his kids’ college on credit cards.)
  3. You and your wife need to start doing a monthly budget based on your previous month’s income. So, you spend April’s income in May, and May’s income in June. There should be a clothing category in your budget. If you do that and your wife buys a dress or shoes, you won’t need to worry about it, because it will be coming out of–TA-DA–your clothing budget.
  4. You need to figure out if you are actually making money at the business. If you aren’t and there is no hope of turning it around in the next 90 days, you need to stop borrowing money and close the business. Unfortunately, it’s entirely possible that your wife is making more at her “hobby” job than you are at your business, which may be making less than nothing. Figure this out. Make sure your wife understands the situation.
  5. As part of your budgeting process, figure out what your basic expenses are and how to live on your actual income. It may be necessary to put the kids in public school next year and for both you and your wife to find full-time work. This “four walls” system may
    help:
“Here’s your order of events. You need to take care of what we call the four walls. The four walls of your home have to be protected first. This comes from, “Take care of your own household first.” What do we do? Food—buy your family food. That’s the very first thing you do. The next thing you do is keep the lights and water on—utilities. The next thing you do is take care of shelter. Then you take care of transportation, and then you take care of basic needs clothing. We pay the house payment and the car payment, we eat, and we keep the lights on before we do anything else.”

daveramsey.com/index.cfm?event=askdave/&intContentItemId=123011
  1. This is my last item, but you may want to do it first. Try contacting the former employee’s lawyer and explain to him that your business is in deep, deep financial trouble. He was probably expecting some sort of fat payday, so go ahead and paint a picture for him of your financial woes. I expect you won’t hear from him again if you do that.
 
Hi there,

Hello. A quick couple of things first - you have shown the strength to say,
“I admitted to what I did and promised never to do it again.”

By admitting and saying sorry, you have taken the first and hardest step upward.

“You have a beautiful wife and three great kids.”

God and your family are your strength, and the greatest source of your happiness.

Firstly, do not let the lawyer who contacted you intimidate you. That is what he is paid to do. He will most likely say things to yourself that are extremely exaggerated, which most definitely sounds like it. If this is purely based on an email, then it certainly seems they are clutching at straws… Also, this lawyer would not have said any of those things to yourself if you had representation. Remember, you are probably at your weakest point right now and the opposing lawyer will know that, and he will try to prey on that, which he would not do if you have representation.

You will need to speak with a lawyer who specialises in sexual harrassment litigation. Tell him your situation and he will let you know where things stand.

Usually, lawyers offer a free first consultation, so if you can, try and have an initial meeting with more than one lawyer (possibly three lawyers/law firms) who have good reviews on lawyer websites. When you have heard what they have had to say, and if they think the opposing lawyer is not just clutching at straws (which it most certainly sounds like if it is just an email), take the lawyer who comes with the best recommendation and who you feel understands where you’re coming from. This will help take off a lot of worry from your shoulders.

Finally, I can assure you of this, whatever happens, after this is over (and if on the longshot there is any possible chance of payout, it will in all likelihood be very little), there will come days of great happiness with your family and yourself. It may be difficult to see now, but it will come. And those days will last for many years… The happiest days of your life are still yet to come.

Also, if you can, try going to Church on a Sunday with your family when you are able to, or if that is not possible, perhaps by yourself if you wish. It can help to give you a boost. People who feel very down during a Sunday, always leave Church a little happier when they go.

Spend time with those people who bring you the most happiness and do the things that bring you the most happiness. This will help you until this blows over, and trust me, it will eventually.

Peace and happiness to everyone involved,
Chris
 
Do they have any “Legal Aid” in your area where lawyers do pro bono work for people in need? They often have a waiting list, so it’d be good to apply early if you are considering that route.

Further, does Goodwill help with your child that has the disability?

Also, Goodwill, in addition to working with disabilities offers other programs, can possibly do an assessment to see what services your family might qualify for, give a referral.

Can you, or your wife, go to the local St. Vincent de Paul Society of your church, ask for assistance?

You might also qualify for assistance through utilities.

Catholic Social Services may be able to offer some assistance, as well.

Also, there are food banks.

feedingamerica.org/foodbank-results.aspx

Now, some people who may even qualify may hesitate to use these services, but that’s what they are for.

Would you qualify for Medicaid or CHIP (Children’s Medicaid)?
 
Def see doc about meds. I am on meds for depression, been on them for 9 years now.

Look, your meds are not working. Your doctor needs to re asses your health. Do this immediately. Act now. Immediately!
 
Lawyer up immediately. Your attorney will be a good friend through these treacherous waters.
Then just do what you have to do to get through the day. The necessary things first, then lots of rest if possible.
I had a work-related nervous breakdown ten years ago that led to a psychotic break for me. It is very tough to deal with severe depression. Please visit your doctor again.
We had a business go under about three years ago. Talk about feeling like a failure. Following Dave Ramsay’s rules we were able to pull ourselves out of debt for the most part about 18 months ago. It really works.
Don’t even think about killing yourself. Your family needs you desperately.
I will pray for you!
 
Xantippe said:
  1. This is my last item, but you may want to do it first. Try contacting the former employee’s lawyer and explain to him that your business is in deep, deep financial trouble. He was probably expecting some sort of fat payday, so go ahead and paint a picture for him of your financial woes. I expect you won’t hear from him again if you do that.
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I’d do this too, probably through your lawyer (as Musician above) suggests or your accountant. Unsure of your situation.

I can say unrelated to business, I was sued a year or so back from an auto accident. The prospective plaintiff was suing up to the full amount of my insurance, and my [insurance appointed] attorney suggested the same as Xantippe - they were looking for an easy payday and that was a common trick. They don’t go for more, since folks typically aren’t good for it.

I’m not a fan of bankruptcy myself, but it exists for a reason. $0.02 I’d be perfectly honest and say that $450K will ruin your business (probably her intent, to be honest), but they won’t get anything as you’ll be forced to bankrupcy, and I’d mention that you’re already sort of teetering on that anyway. (Or offer her your business, debt and all as it sounds as if your assets are yourself and your debts are material!)

As noted, it may be for the best if you are so burdened to be out from under it and finding less stressful employment. Again, thoughts and prayers for you. 😦 Hang in there.
 
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