I need support please respond to this post

[cmscms]

I really need support to be strong here.

I have often been around people who don’t take my feelings seriously. (And I have the emotional scars to prove it). I know that I need to change my behaviours.

Well, I met this couple at church. At first, I did not find them to be very ‘loving’ people. They do all the outside things right ie they will say ‘Hi’ when they see me and act like they are sincerely happy to be around me. They will drive me home and have invited me to parties at their home. All the outside things a good Catholic will do.

However, I never felt they were the type to take my feelings seriously. At first, I did not do anything about it (because I did not want to be too quick to make judgement), but now I am realising they are ‘Wolfs hidden in sheep skin’

Once, I was having a bad day and the woman told me to pray more. I found that insensitive. If she didn’t care to hear it she could have said so politely. But to make me feel I was bad for not praying enough was rude.

They are CONSTANTLY talking about other people in front of me. They give details that I feel are inappropriate. I know I would be hurt if they were talking like that about me when I am not around. When I asked them to not talk about people unless they are in the room, they replied ‘We are telling you this so that you can pray for them. We are also telling you this because we are trying to show you how God helped them’. I found that to be a poor excuse to blab someone’s business.

Well, the last straw was last week. The husband told me about a friend of his who is upset because he just got a divorce and can not longer live with his kids. And his exact words were ‘I just told my friend to pray to God, He will take care of him and to not worry about it because it is not worth it’ What a cruel thing to say. I put myself in this poor man’s shoes and he needs to know his ‘friends’ understand him. How could anyone say it is not worth it to worry about your kids.

Well, I see this as a red flag. When I have problems he will hurt me. I am so scared to ever see these people again, I purposely went to a different mass to avoid seeing them.

I need help to distance myself from them. I can not afford to be around insensitive people anymore.

So my question is, the next time they invite me somewhere, how do I tell them I no longer want to be around them?

Thanks

CM

 

[AlanFromWichita]

So my question is, the next time they invite me somewhere, how do I tell them I no longer want to be around them?

First, know that you do have a choice. Nobody is required to accept an invitation.

Tell them, simply, that you must decline their offer. “Thank you for the invitation, but I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it.” If they ask, you can say, “I’m sorry it’s personal” and not give them any ammunition against you. After all, if you try to “educate” them they will blabber it all over to everybody, most likely.

Then if they nag about other dates or ask you to name a date, say, “there are things going on right now I’d rather not discuss.” You will be telling the truth, because what you have going on is a problem with them, and you really wish they would go away and not try to “discuss” it with you.

Alan

 

[adrift]

Let me see if I understand. You have people who greet you when they see you. They drive you home and invite you to parties. They tell you to rely on the goodness of God and you think they are insensitive?

Please do them a favor and just politely refuse any offer they make. When they offer you a ride just say no thank you. After awhile they will get the message and won’t bother you anymore.

 

[on_eagles_wingz]

You can just calmly tell them “look, It really bothers me when you talk about other people’s problems, so I found someone else to take me to mass. I appreciate all the help you’ve given me. Thank you.” Then you smile and say goodbye to them (for good).

I know it might be difficult for you to get up the nerve to do it, so look at it this way…you are probably not the first one who wanted to end their acquaintance with this couple because of the way they treat people. To be honest, they downright scare me. Normal people dont talk about other people’s personal problems in order to use them as some sort of grim psychological counseling tool. They shouldn’t be talking about those other people’s problems at all. Thats extremely disrespectful.

 

[puzzleannie]

these people are kind enough to drive you home, and to offer to pray with you and for you. But it seems you are expecting more out of this relationship than they feel competent to deliver, such as spiritual and psychological help and support. Your expectations may be to high of casual acquaintances, and if they seem to put distance between you and themselves it may be because the feel unable to meet thos expectations. Do try to see the situation from their POV

 

[JohnDamian]

Once, I was having a bad day and the woman told me to pray more. I found that insensitive. If she didn’t care to hear it she could have said so politely. But to make me feel I was bad for not praying enough was rude.

No one prays “enough”…

They are CONSTANTLY talking about other people in front of me. They give details that I feel are inappropriate. I know I would be hurt if they were talking like that about me when I am not around. When I asked them to not talk about people unless they are in the room, they replied ‘We are telling you this so that you can pray for them. We are also telling you this because we are trying to show you how God helped them’. I found that to be a poor excuse to blab someone’s business.

You should tell them that Gossiping about other people is sinful, and that judging others is the same. You are right to point out their error; however you should not judge them as people- merely point out to them (in private) that what they are doing is immoral. And that they should remove the log from their own eye before the splinter for anothers.

Well, the last straw was last week. The husband told me about a friend of his who is upset because he just got a divorce and can not longer live with his kids. And his exact words were ‘I just told my friend to pray to God, He will take care of him and to not worry about it because it is not worth it’ What a cruel thing to say. I put myself in this poor man’s shoes and he needs to know his ‘friends’ understand him. How could anyone say it is not worth it to worry about your kids.

Worry is never worth anything. All worry does is frustrate the individual and the problem. A person should sensibly consider their problems, but to worry or fret endlessly over them is unhealthy and detrimental; the gentleman should pray. Look at it from this point of view; when Job’s children died he said that the “Lord has given, and Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of Lord”. Your friends were right in instructing this gentleman to pray, and to not let worry consume him. However they were not right in gossiping about it.

Well, I see this as a red flag. When I have problems he will hurt me. I am so scared to ever see these people again, I purposely went to a different mass to avoid seeing them.

If they have offended you you should forgive them. You should try and embrace them and help stop them sinning by gossiping, remember James5:20 “remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.” You should try and guide them from their imperfections, and not flee from them because of it.

I need help to distance myself from them. I can not afford to be around insensitive people anymore.

You might not want to accept their lifts or parties, but you should not totally avoid them because of their ways, you should see it as an absolute opportunity for you to help save them from their sins, as well as saving the victims of their gossiping.

So my question is, the next time they invite me somewhere, how do I tell them I no longer want to be around them?

I would accept their invitation, and use their opportunity to guide and help develop them; by setting a good example, and correcting them when they are gossiping; you would not only help them and their victims; but your own spiritual growth.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Why are we getting on the OP’s case?

If he wants to quit hanging around certain people, I think that’s his right, and I don’t think his reasons have to pass our muster. Maybe we think he is being petty, but maybe not. I’ve been around gossips before and if they’re anything like what the OP is talking about it can be very testing and maybe even unhealthy.

That said, I don’t know that they are insensitive to your feelings, but they are just the way they are. Make sure you are not setting to high a standards for people, since after all they are only people.

Alan

 

[cmscms]

First I want to thank everyone for their responses. I hate when no one responds to my post.

I want to especially thank Alan for his support

Let me see if I understand. You have people who greet you when they see you. They drive you home and invite you to parties. They tell you to rely on the goodness of God and you think they are insensitive?

Please do them a favor and just politely refuse any offer they make. When they offer you a ride just say no thank you. After awhile they will get the message and won’t bother you anymore.

Adrift, I think perhaps I did not explain the context well enough because you missed the point. These people tend drive me and invite me to their parties because they are the type that like to control the scedule. If I was to suggest and outing, they would not want to go unless they call the shots. I have been to parties at other people’s houses where they have started to run the show.

Telling me to pray is all in the tone of voice. The wife did not say in a loving way ‘pray for others’. She said in a tone of voice that was talking to me as if I was a kid. When I started to talk about my bad day, I wasn’t even speaking for 30 seconds when she cut me off and took out a bible and told me which verse to pray. She did it in a way that she was showing off her knowledge of the bible. Her attitude was never to put herself in my shoes and feel my pain for a bit like a caring friend.

To John, trying to saved them from the ways is how I always got involved with abusive people in the first place. I have learnt from experience that it is not good for me to adopt the attitude ‘I can single handedly change someone’. If they are not willing to see their mistakes, I can not change them. And I slowly slip into a situation where I am being mistreated. I am not sure of the verse, but there is also a verse in the bible to the effect ‘If you confront a wise man, he will love you, a moker you ill only incur moking’

If these were people from work, I could shrug it off a lot easier. But these are people from church that I see at religious functions. When I go to thoses places my heart is a lot more open for God and it is that much easier for them to come in an hurt me

CM

 

[cmscms]

these people are kind enough to drive you home, and to offer to pray with you and for you. But it seems you are expecting more out of this relationship than they feel competent to deliver, such as spiritual and psychological help and support. Your expectations may be to high of casual acquaintances, and if they seem to put distance between you and themselves it may be because the feel unable to meet thos expectations. Do try to see the situation from their POV

And I agree that I am expecting more than they can deliver. That is why I am not going to push and try to change them to be sympathetic to my problems. The problem I have is they are not willing to respect the truth in this situation.

If they looked me straight in the eye and said ‘We are uncomfortable hearing about your problems so please don’t tell us about them’ I would thank them and stick to them like glue because I LOVE honesty.

Or, if I was to be able to look them straight in the eye and say ‘I feel you aren’t capable of taking my feelings seriously and I would appreciate if you did not ask about certain topics’ and they responded with ‘Thank you for your honesty we will stop prying’ again I would stick to them like glue

But that is not the case. They are forever trying to recruit people to pray to better their lives. They LOVE to talk about people’s prblems and how God helped them. All their actions are on the outside. Mention one feeling around them and they become cruel in their behaviour. Cutting people off, minimizing their pain, accusing people of having problems because they aren’t praying enough.

The woman is on such a power trip. Once a different lady was having a party. We were all mingling. Out of the blue, the wife screamed ‘Children sit down and be quiet I would like for us to listen to Paul’ and then instructed Paul to give a speech. The worst part of it all is the hostest did not invite us to come hear Paul’s speech. This lady just decided we would do it at the last minute.

Please try and see I am not trying to harm these people. I am trying to learn to pick better friends

CM

 

[JohnDamian]

These people sound tragically misled and vain. I cannot see how one can be wholeheartedly Christian without wanting to reach out to these people and their victims, and to try and correct their behaviour.

After all, didn’t Jesus sit amongst sinners? Should we not try to emulate him, and help those who need our help the most; even if they will be the least grateful. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to grow yourself as a Christian and a person, an “annoying” or “sinful” friend turns into a spiritual challenge, where you can strengthen yourself and them - an opportunity one should never pass up; after all - the harder the task; the greater the reward!

That said, as you rightly pointed out; you should not put yourself in a position where you will be mistreated; however there are probably countless other people who are being mistreated; and I would feel obligated to try and stand up for myself and them; being assertive and politely (and privately) correcting them when they mistaken.

The saddest part is these people probably feel that they are in the right, and that they are helping people - what can an hour’s or two’s hard discussion cost when peoples souls are in peril?

You say you should learn to pick better friends; but this is precisely the point - you see yourself as better than these gossipers (and worthy of better friends); so I would challenge you to demonstrate how much better you are, and can be - by helping these misinformed people.

However, I don’t want to come across as bossy or whatnot; but I must say that if Jesus can die for our sin’s, the least we can do is give a few minutes of our time to help others. Otherwise; why would I be typing this?

There is no such thing as a “lost cause”, see St Paul & St Augustine.

 

[cmscms]

HI John,

I can see the point you are trying to make. However, I don’t think you quite understand how if I try to talk to these people I will get ‘hooked in’ and say things to open myself up for their critic and I am not strong enough to handle the pain. If I had support (or even a belief they cared to hear my opinion) it would be different but I am REALLY up a brick wall with them. I hope you can trust my judgement on that one.

As for insinuating I am better than them. I now see how you could have read that in my post. That was not my intentions. Perhaps a better way of saying it is ‘Everyone has flaws, myself included. Their flaws happen to be the ones that remind me of a lot of past hurts which is why I can not tolerate theirs at all’

As for showing them the err in the ways. If they ask me why I won’t go to their house anymore, I could ask them if they want to hear the truth. Then I could tell them how they mislead people int thinking they care and then turn around and hurt people.

However, actions speak louder than words. I have to show them I mean it by NOT going to their house. If I keep going to their house and getting into their car, they will think I am an annoyance everytime I ask them not to talk about others in front of me. I need to show them I mean it

CM

 

[Claire_from_DE]

These people may have good motives, it’s always a good idea to assume that about other people. They may not be very sensitive to others’ feelings, so it’s no use expecting that from them. Apparently they can’t give you the kind of support you would find helpful. The woman may be very controlling; you can’t do anything about that. **Don’t try to change them or convince them; leave that to God.
**
That said, you know how this kind of behavior makes you feel and you’re wise to know that you need to protect yourself emotionally from them, even if they think they’re trying to help you.

If they press the issue and want to know why you’re avoiding socializing with them, you can meekly tell them that it just makes you uncomfortable when they tell you personal things about other people, even though they may be trying to help you. If they try to defend themselves or try to deny it, just say, “I’m sorry but it makes me uncomfortable.” You are just telling the truth and they can’t argue with that. Well, they can try, but really, if you keep saying, “I’m sorry but I’m uncomfortable with conversations like that” they will eventually get the message. Maybe they’ll even change their ways, but I wouldn’t count on that.

For your own good, I suggest that you forgive them in your heart and pray often that God will bless them. At this point, this is the only way you can show love to them. Try to let go of any bad feelings you have about them. God doesn’t want us to be judgmental or hold grudges. This might be difficult, because they have disappointed you, but it’s important to try so that Satan can’t use anything about this situation to bring sin or bitterness into your life. It seems to me that this is something he might do in this case. He uses anything he can to divide people who worship together.

I think you are very vulnerable. Be pleasant and polite to these people but don’t get into any long discussions. It seems to me that these people are an occasion of sin to you. This doesn’t mean they are evil but they make you angry, depressed, and judgmental. These feelings don’t come from God. I think the only way to fight this is to forgive and pray. This is certainly a challenge but you can overcome it with God’s grace.

 

[cmscms]

Hi Claire,

Thank you for your supportiv post. I believe if I distance myself from them, the forgiveness will soon follow. However, the bigger issue is they have reminded me of times I did not distance myself soon enough and that has brouhgr back past pain. That is the major hurt

Also, I think what is hurting me more is I though I finally found some safe Christians and I didn’t . I feel humiliated that yet again, another attempt at friendship failed.

CM

 

[RobNY]

Once, I was having a bad day and the woman told me to pray more. I found that insensitive. If she didn’t care to hear it she could have said so politely. But to make me feel I was bad for not praying enough was rude.

There is a general rule. In times of trials, pray more.

I think you might be misinterpreting her on this one.

I feel as though this is a typical half-glass full response on your part, with all due respect. Have you ever given someone a compliment, and then that person tries to find what that positive comment might (negatively) imply? I feel that’s what happened here.

She didn’t say, “you’re not praying enough.” She simply said, pray more.

For instance, if one experiences difficult and dryness in prayer… and one goes to one’s confessor for advice, one might hear this advice: pray more. Mother Teresa famously said that one should pray an hour a day, and when one has difficulty praying… for two hours. It doesn’t mean that someone’s making a judgment of whether you are fulfilling an obligation to God or not. It’s simply a realization of the fundamental reality that in times of difficult trial one needs to cling extra close to God to get through.

I’m frustrated because I can’t explain what I’m trying to say, has this helped you at all?

 

[cmscms]

Hi Rob,

I am not arguing that one needs to pray in times of trouble. However, she did not say it in a loving tone. She did not even care to listen what happened in my day. She interrupted me mid sentence and opened a bible to (according to her) the exact quote I was to pray.

She was acting like she knew it all. (There is no exact quote or magic pray. Any prayer will do). She was using a tone of voice that was insunuating I was incompetent.

I do NOT think she is out to help people. I think she wants the reputation of knowing everything so she can look good on the outside because she is insecure.

People who genuinly care take the time to listen, make the effort to use a nice tone of voice or at the very least are honest enough to say ‘I can’t listen right now’

CM

 

[shelby2014]

I get your discomfort with them, but I disagree that you should continue to hang out with them to “show them a good example.” First of all, even though you are better in some ways than them, you are worse in others - we are people, we all have our problems. Just sayin’.

I think you should give this woman a taste of her own medicine - and pray for her! Only you know the tone of voice they use, but I think when they tell you or others to “just pray” they are trying to say that there is someone who can actually fix problems and heal people emotionally where people can’t. They may just be socially awkward.

As far as avoiding them - just politely refuse to interact with them a few times and they should get the hint.

I don’t know how to pick winning friends. I am right with you - feeling hurt over and over again by people, even good Christians, who I think are my friends. And then sometimes I find some real keepers. I think you just have to be willing to give people a try. It’s hard, because it’s probably in your nature like it’s in mine, but just try not to get too emotionally involved with friends before you have a better understanding of what they are like. Even then you may be hurt, but it’s a start.