I need to ask ex for child support

[Gertabelle]

My ex lives in a downstairs room in my house. We created this arrangement to lessen the damage of our divorce on our son. Our divorce was final nearly a year ago. Our “marriage” (civil only) was declared null in March of this year (lack of form).

I am paying the mortgage (bought the house myself), the utilities, the childcare, and the health insurance (through my work). My ex pays the cell phone and cable/high speed internet. He makes somewhere between half to two thirds of what I make. He works seven days a week as a massage therapist and body worker/healer.

He worked in retail (grocery) and massage therapy before we married, but after we married he moved out here and he was unemployed for probably half our marriage. He just seemed completely uninterested in working, paying his own bills, supporting himself, supporting his son after we married. I was shocked as he had always been very committed to making his own way, and was very responsible with his finances.

This man is an old, old friend. We grew up together, married in our mid 30’s and were divorced after only four years of marriage. He’s a good father in how he spends time with his son.

I’m finally beginning to face the fact that my ex is going to use me for as long as I let him. And that my son not only needs his dad’s financial help, but deserves it. And that our son needs my finances to be in order for his sake.

But I’ve been such a coward about this for nearly a year. He had our tax return direct deposited into his own account last March and I never called him to task on it.

I did the online child support forms today and their calculations say he should be paying a few hundred dollars a month, even with his salary being so much lower than mine. I’m afraid of what he’ll say if I ask him for the full amount, and I’d like to avoid court. But what’s the worst that could happen? He could say no and move out. Then I could file the paperwork in court and he would be bound to pay it anyway. Regardless, my finances wouldn’t be any worse than they are now. And maybe it’s time he moves out anyway, if we could find a way for it to not hurt our son (not possible, is it?).

I haven’t said anything about this to him in order to preserve peace in our relationship. And because I’m a coward.

Prayers, advice, reality check, a good swift kick – all would be appreciated.

Gertie

 

[Katie1723]

My question would be what if you met someone and wanted to date? As far as child support, he owes you.
I will keep you in my prayers this evening.
Kathy

 

[dulcissima]

If he lives downstairs, don’t you have equal physical custody of your son? If you make more, I’m not seeing how you would be due child support. You probably would need to consult a lawyer.

It does sound like you are enabling him though. I think since you are divorced and wanting to build a new life, having him find a place of his own, where he pays his own bills would be a reasonable expectation.

 

[Malcolm_McLean]

I did the online child support forms today and their calculations say he should be paying a few hundred dollars a month, even with his salary being so much lower than mine. I’m afraid of what he’ll say if I ask him for the full amount, and I’d like to avoid court. But what’s the worst that could happen?

You’ve got to tell him that you don’t have enough money to bring up your son. Then try to work out, as adults, what the financial arrangements for his support will be.

If he won’t discuss the matter, or won’t be reasonable, you’ve got to consider court action. But very much as a last resort.

 

[Gertabelle]

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments, and I hope your prayers.

I guess writing and submitting this post was the “swift kick” I needed. I went and spoke with my ex immediately. Our son was playing on his own in another room.

Our conversation was difficult, but respectful. What is clear is that my ex cannot thrive with our current living situation. Something changed in him the moment we got married with regard to work and money.

I fear for our young son’s heart and spirit (he’s just turned four), having to deal with his father living in a separate home. We’ve been able to protect him from much of the devastating pains of divorce, thanks be to God and His grace. May that same grace lead us through this new time of transition.

Prayers, please.

Gert

 

[wifeandmomoftwo]

If you have gotten a divorce (civil) why was child support not discussed then?
Contact a lawyer, ASAP and get the paper work rolling. As a parent he is obligated to pay (every single state says so by the way) something towards the support of his child.
It does not matter if you make more or he does!

 

[SeekerJen]

If he lives downstairs, don’t you have equal physical custody of your son? If you make more, I’m not seeing how you would be due child support. You probably would need to consult a lawyer.

I think you might be confusing child support with alimony. Gertabelle is not due alimony (or at least wouldn’t be in my state), but her ex should be held responsible for financially contributing to his child’s upbringing. It’s not about one parent making more, it’s about the other parent living up to his or her responsibilities.

Gertabelle, as difficult as it will be on your son to have you and your ex in different houses, in the long run it will be better for everyone. Your ex needs to grow up and learn how to be a responsible adult, and if things continue as they are, your son will learn that how your ex is behaving is acceptable for a grown man. It sounds as though you and your ex are on friendly and amicable terms and should be able to work out joint custody, and it can only be good for your son to see his father as a mature adult.

 

[dulcissima]

I think you might be confusing child support with alimony. Gertabelle is not due alimony (or at least wouldn’t be in my state), but her ex should be held responsible for financially contributing to his child’s upbringing. It’s not about one parent making more, it’s about the other parent living up to his or her responsibilities.

You are probably right. I was thinking about a conversation I had with a man whose ex was a therapist, and due to her income he only had to pay $1/mo in child support. Maybe he was talking about alimony though.

And I take it that Gertabelle is considered the custodial parent then?

 

[whatevergirl]

I would seek out a lawyer to help you to figure out what he ‘should’ be responsible for monthly, and then discuss this with him in a nice way seeing that you are both friends still. I also don’t think you should support your husband, financially. He would not be able to live with say a roommate, and pay for cable and cell phone only. I understand your arrangement, and that is very noble of you both. But, your ex needs to pay for not only his own life, but part of his son’s. He chooses to be in a career that is up and down–he might have to put that on hold, until he gets his finances in order, which should be his priority to you and his son. As it stands, it is nearly like you are paying alimony, with him living there, and not paying nearly the extent of the living expenses as you.

There is no easy answer, and I’m sorry you’re in this predicament. I pray that this will work out for you, and that God leads you and your ex to come to a reasonable compromise. God bless you for being such a good person, and mom! (The above is just my $.02 though)

 

[Katie1723]

When I went thru my divorce, my ex had to pay support even though he was only getting unemployment…it came right off the top.
Kathy

 

[Gertabelle]

I would seek out a lawyer to help you to figure out what he ‘should’ be responsible for monthly, and then discuss this with him in a nice way seeing that you are both friends still.

**I did the online child support form on the county court website. This is the official form used in court. When I told my ex the number it came up with, he said basically there was no way he could afford that – he’d have to do extra shifts, he’s been trying to make more money writing music, etc. **

I also don’t think you should support your ex-husband, financially. He would not be able to live with say a roommate, and pay for cable and cell phone only.

I was hoping that my lessening his financial responsibilities would help him get his finances in order and move ahead in creating a profitable career. Sadly, that certainly is not how this has all turned out.

Having had this conversation with him last night, I have spent the day thinking about and seeing my life a little differently. We really do need to be in separate homes. This will mean going back to court and redoing our divorce papers, but I’m certain it’s for the best. I do, however, feel like I’m getting divorced all over again – even though I already have the annulment.

Gertabelle, as difficult as it will be on your son to have you and your ex in different houses, in the long run it will be better for everyone. Your ex needs to grow up and learn how to be a responsible adult, and if things continue as they are, your son will learn that how your ex is behaving is acceptable for a grown man.

Thanks for reminding me of the power of example. Duh, Gertie. The transition may be difficult (or not), but in the long run this will be positive for all of us I think.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Gertie

 

[whatevergirl]

**I did the online child support form on the county court website. This is the official form used in court. When I told my ex the number it came up with, he said basically there was no way he could afford that – he’d have to do extra shifts, he’s been trying to make more money writing music, etc. **

I was hoping that my lessening his financial responsibilities would help him get his finances in order and move ahead in creating a profitable career. Sadly, that certainly is not how this has all turned out.

Having had this conversation with him last night, I have spent the day thinking about and seeing my life a little differently. We really do need to be in separate homes. This will mean going back to court and redoing our divorce papers, but I’m certain it’s for the best. I do, however, feel like I’m getting divorced all over again – even though I already have the annulment.

Thanks for reminding me of the power of example. Duh, Gertie. The transition may be difficult (or not), but in the long run this will be positive for all of us I think.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Gertie

I’m sorry Gertie. I do think that if he had a more…dependable job perhaps, this living arrangement could work, I really do. But, it seems a bit tempting (for lack of a better word) for him to not look for that consistent dependable job, even if it is something that he could never see himself doing, if you are paying for most of the bills, mortgage, etc. He is saying I cannot afford it, I’m sorry to say that he needs to find a way…to afford it. Men pay child support and alimony all the time–oodles of it, often times, they are working two jobs. It’s unfortunate, and not what you’d want your ex to have to do, but he needs first to take care of himself, and then, to take care of his son. If he is not paying really any bills, and still doesn’t have money for your son…something’s gotta give, as they say.

I will pray for your Gertie. You sound like such a great and giving woman…and I don’t think he sounds like the type that is trying to take advantage of you, but his living there is not causing him to be responsible enough. He has become complacent, really is what has happened–and he needs to go find a job that earns him a better living. I pray for better days for you, they will come. God will provide for your ex–but sadly, you probably will have to live separately. I say sadly, because this sounds like something that does pain you.

 

[wifeandmomoftwo]

I am sorry, but I have to ask, why didn’t you have this handled when you got your civil divorce?