Hello,
I am a 22 year old male, living in southern Louisiana. I have been seeing a woman for almost 7 years who happens to be Catholic. I, on the other hand, am Baptist. We are due to be married in a few months and I need some help with understanding what my soon-to-be wife and hopefully one day mother of my children believes. I’ve tried asking her for explanations but she hears my inquiries as objections to her faith. I honestly just want to understand the basics of Catholicism so I can know if I’ll be comfortable raising my children in it. Any help or advice is appreciated.
Thanks
I’ve retired not too long ago from working in religious education. This response from your wife is what we would often called the “puppy stick effect.”
A friend of mine once had a dog that was always perfectly happy until someone picked up a stick or a ruler or anything that was long and shaped like a stick. The dog would cower and hide whenever it saw someone do this. The reason? This was a rescue shelter dog. It had been beaten by a former owner with a stick over and over again when it was a puppy. So while those days of being beating with a stick were over, like the Pavlov effect, the dog responded in terror to all sticks for the remainder of its life.
While it is not unique to Catholics (I’ve seen the response in Protestants, Latter-day Saints, and very often in Jehovah’s Witnesses as well as a few Southern Baptists), some people have never had much of open and friendly dialogue with members of other faiths. All such discussions may have mostly been debates, and so these persons don’t know (and in some cases cannot) engage another calmly in an ecumenical setting. When someone tries to get them involved they, like the dog, react in the only way they know how. In your wife’s case it is as you describe: she projects past experiences upon your questions and sees them as objections in a debate…thus the “puppy stick effect.”
Unlike dogs, people
can stop reacting to such questions in a defensive way–but it takes time and likely more time than you have right now to use her as your main channel to learn about Catholicism.
Your best bet would be to learn the Catholic religion on your own. It’s as simple as getting a copy of the
United States Catechism for Adults (published by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops) or even the YOUCAT, which is short for “Youth Catechism”. I recommend the YOUCAT for adults of other faiths because it is simple and to the point whereas the
Catechism for Adults is designed to make thinking and active disciples out of adults who are preparing to enter the Catholic Church (but it’s a good follow up to the YOUCAT). You will thus learn the basics without having to ask her a thing.
This could actually help diffuse the “puppy stick effect.” You can mention what you’ve learned after you read the Catechism (it might be best to go through it all first too before you try to pursue the subject further). Making sure to bring out the book and highlighting places you found interesting information can make her feel more comfortable as she can see you are not looking for anything more but discussion and understanding.
Be patient, especially if you learn she is not comfortable when the subject is broached. Eventually it should get easier, especially seeing that you’ve made a sincere effort to learn from the source.
