I never expected having kids to be so hard

[airforcemom]

It took us close to two years before I got pregnant but after the first one the other 2 came quickly. I would have loved to have many more but 3 was it - the doctor said they were too close together and too big - extremely happy for the 3. They are grown now and all have children but the youngest. All the headaches were worth it – all the nights of dialing a beeper to see if my youngest would answer so I could find out where he was only to find out the next day that the beeper was in his bedroom. Being a military family we don’t get the opportunity to have the 3 of them home at the same time - this year after Christmas was great - all three home at the same time for 2 days. I have to say that the boys 39 and 36 have no problem giving me a hug and a kiss - I see my daughter (38) more since she is only about 50 miles away and she is always ready to give a hug and kiss when she gets here and leaves. My grandsons not so much on the hugging but actually as they are getting older they are getting better. The worries do not stop when they reach adulthood like you might think and in my case having 2 sons and a DIL in the Air Force the worries are certainly there especially when they are deployed. To all the military spouses with children God bless you as you go it alone - I’m an AF brat so I know how it is to have your dad away from home - I have to say it was a great life but I do know it was hard on my mom when he was gone.

 

[Elizabeth502]

I guess it’s just a matter of perspective, or comparison.

Before I became a mother I heard nothing but complaints from mothers in my same age group. Long articles were written about how supposedly trying, overwhelming, and un-fun it was to be a parent. People writing these articles seemed to go to great lengths to exaggerate the unpleasantries, and to paint a picutre of radical doom. After awhile, it became apparent to me that one of two things was going on:

(1) For these new parents it was the first time they had had to experience any real sacrifice in their lives. Hence the hand-wringing. (Yeah, no kidding: life isn’t all just self-indulgence.) It was no coinciidence that this group of “writers” was from an economically privileged class.

(2) It was a deliberately disingenuous attempt to downplay the intense joys of parenthood, out of a jealous desire to hoard those. Over and over I heard, “No, no, don’t do it!” Fortunately, I was suspiicious of what I saw as probable motivation on their part, which had an opposite effect on me: I became curious, wondering why others would go to such lengths to try to prevent other fertile people from becoming parents.

As to #(1), my life pre-parenthood was filled with far more trial and self-sacrifice than parenthood has ever been. I never expected parenthood to be easy; I did expect it (given all the publicity) to be difficult. I was pleasantly corrected on both points.

As to #(2), I think I was on to something with my suspicions. My gosh, what intense joy. But apparently some of those “others” I read dreaded sharing the pleasure. It has been far more romantic than I ever was led to believe. Maybe sharing common activities and goals had something to do with it. Maybe because so many of my friends have taken such an interest in them over the years, and still do.

I’m not trying to deny any personal difficulty anyone here perceives he or she has had. I’m just saying that perhaps because I expected the worst, I was more than pleasantly surprised. There is not one friend of mine who deliberately put off marriage (and/or never became parents) who is glad about that today, especially seeing my enjoyment in having become a parent.

Definitely other people’s milesage does vary.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Especially in a world where women are not necessarily raised to “just” be a mom and wife, but to be educated, accomplished, competitive, goal-oriented… it’s hard to one day just switch from a successful adult life to breastfeeding and diapers and booboos and Elmo. I wouldn’t trade my kids for the world and I don’t regret any of my choices, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss having a personal life, personal space and a rewarding career.

I can so relate to this. I was not raised to be a mom, but to get a higher education and have a career. Having kids has been such a shock, and I must admit that I often feel like a failure as a mother. I always question myself, my ability to cope and do things right. I also dislike how I have nothing else going on in my life. I am envious when I listen to my husband talk about his work. We both got a PhD in the same field and he has a rewarding career, while I spend my days changing dirty nappies, cooking, cleaning and dreaming of intellectual challenges. I can’t wait to go and get a job at some point, probably part time. I believe that working outside of home, using my brain again and just being away from the kids for a few hours will make me a better, happier mother. I love my kids and can’t imagine my life without them, but I hope that my circumstances will change and that I will be able to strike the work-family balance, for the sake of my own sanity. I am just not made to be a SAHM.

 

[KCT]

Parenting, done well, is very hard and very time consuming.

Grandparenting makes it all worthwhile.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

When you feel that way, think of the single women who feel called to marriage/motherhood but are essentially barren or the women who are married but infertile. I’m sure they would love to trade places with you, even for a moment.

 

[VivienneJ]

Parenting, done well, is very hard and very time consuming.

Grandparenting makes it all worthwhile.

This ^ oh so very, very true!

When you feel that way, think of the single women who feel called to marriage/motherhood but are essentially barren or the women who are married but infertile. I’m sure they would love to trade places with you, even for a moment.

While I do not want to appear uncaring of those unable, for whatever reason, to bear children, I’m sure there are times when moms would quite happily make that trade. (To clarify, I had some difficulty in conceiving and maintaining pregnancy; in addition I have one very fertile daughter and one infertile one.)

 

[exoflare]

I’m getting the same things from my friends. They keep saying I NEED to have kids, but I have some tell me that it is so they don’t feel bad about their own lives.

I’ve gotten this vibe from quite a few people too, but never had anyone actually come right out and admit it like that. Anyways yeah I remember at this one job I had, for example, where one of my coworkers suddenly demanded to know what I do with my time away from work once she found out I had no kids (like I had to “prove myself” to her or something lol ) to eat up all that time and she seemed pretty jealous.

The stuff you always hear about “oh but it’s so rewarding” sounds like sour grapes to me more than anything but whatever. Seems like a lot less trouble in the long-run to just completely avoid sex/marriage in the first place. However for those who think they just can’t live without ever getting married there’s no way around being open to children so I guess it’s a matter of personal priorities.

 

[dixieagle]

I think it’s harder than it has to be, because of our current culture. Our culture doesn’t value new life…it values money, independenc, attention, instant gratification. Think of Mary going to stay with Elizabeth for 3 months. How often do we see this now? Did any of my younger childless cousins (or even my childless little sister) come stay with me when I had my last baby? Even when my husband had to deploy when baby was 5 days old? Of course not! Young women are commonly wrapped up in their own selfish world, perusing their own “goals”. We don’t help each other anymore. We don’t value family anymore. Rarely do generations live together today, helping to care for young children in groups. That’s how it used to be and science shows this benefits children and mothers the most. But we rarely have grandmas, aunts, cousins helping to raise children in the family. Mothers today tend to be very isolated, shouldering all the weight themselves. I would love to see things heading the other way.

We have lived 1500 miles from family all our married lives; my dear Mom, who was terrified of flying, flew in anyway and stayed a week when we had our first child. My MIL and her sister came to help out with our second; was I ever relieved and grateful!

We are blessed to have one daughter, SIL and little grandson here in town. I watch him 4 days/week, 5 hrs./day while she is finishing grad school. During her 9 month externship, I will have him M-F, 7 am to 6:30 pm. He will be about 2- 2 1/2 at the time. I fear I may be in a rubber room by the time she’s done, but we can’t imagine putting him in day care. He is a perpetual motion machine, quite willful, but funny, loving and smarter than all of us! It is sometimes hard, but so rewarding. His grandfather and I are glad to help.

Our sweet SIL talks about a “family compound” where, in our rapidly approaching later years we could live with/ near them, as he loves having family together.

Our other daughter, husband and long-awaited baby boy are 3 hrs. away and we just returned from a visit. We see them frequently, and she and the baby will stay with us when her husband is out if town. That’s just what our family does!

It was not always easy when our girls were growing up (dd #2 didn’t sleep more than 3 hrs. at a time until she was 6) but I cannot imagine life without them, and now thoroughly enjoy our grandsons. Still can’t get enough of them, and neither can my husband; they are all precious.

 

[Cat]

I think it’s harder than it has to be, because of our current culture. Our culture doesn’t value new life…it values money, independenc, attention, instant gratification. Think of Mary going to stay with Elizabeth for 3 months. How often do we see this now? Did any of my younger childless cousins (or even my childless little sister) come stay with me when I had my last baby? Even when my husband had to deploy when baby was 5 days old? Of course not! Young women are commonly wrapped up in their own selfish world, perusing their own “goals”. We don’t help each other anymore. We don’t value family anymore. Rarely do generations live together today, helping to care for young children in groups. That’s how it used to be and science shows this benefits children and mothers the most. But we rarely have grandmas, aunts, cousins helping to raise children in the family. Mothers today tend to be very isolated, shouldering all the weight themselves. I would love to see things heading the other way.

This is rather unrealistic.

So…if people don’t work at a paying job, how do they obtain necessities like food, shelter, health care, etc.?

There was a time when most women did not work outside of the home, but instead, made the home by having children and caring for them, as well as caring for the house, and helping their husbands with the farm work.

But this time is long gone. Most women do not live on a farm, and if they do, they probably work at a job away from the farm to be able to keep the farm. (My dad and brother farm a farm that has been in the family for four generations.)

There are some men who make a salary that pays the bills and provides some occasional pleasures or even luxuries. But many women marry men who do not make enough income in their jobs to provide for the basic needs of the family. So women work outside the home.

This means that they don’t have the available time to spend months with a friend, or to spend the majority of the waking hours at home with children.

It also means that women must get adequate sleep and cannot have children waking them up through out the the night. The family survival often depends on the woman’s job and her keeping it. If she is fired for drowsiness on the job that leads to an injury or death of a fellow worker or customer, or even to the loss of an account or customer–well, this just can’t happen, or the family will be left without adequate money to pay their bills.

I realize that there are some families who sacrifice a great many “needs” to be able to keep mother at home with children. Good for them.

But for many families, this just isn’t possible. Many women simply cannot spend their days caring for children, growing their own food and preserving and preparing it, and living the most simple lifestyle.

How can the trend be reversed?

I’m not sure it can be. I think that if a woman wants to live the life of a homemaker, she needs to be very very careful to seek out and marry a man who is fairly certain (if such a thing is possible in today’s world) to earn a high salary and have good benefits. That way, the woman can stay home with children and make the home. But if a woman marries a “typical” man nowadays, she is very likely going to end up working outside the home.

Wish this post wasn’t so negative, but I think we need to face reality and figure out how to make the best of it, rather than sighing for the past.

 

[newf]

I think that if a woman wants to live the life of a homemaker, she needs to be very very careful to seek out and marry a man who is fairly certain (if such a thing is possible in today’s world) to earn a high salary and have good benefits. That way, the woman can stay home with children and make the home. But if a woman marries a “typical” man nowadays, she is very likely going to end up working outside the home.

Just FYI, Cat, I have one daughter who is 30 yrs. old with a 2 yr. old and another one on the way. She is college educated, worked for a while and now is a stay at home mom.

I have another daughter who is 28 yrs. old who is also college educated with a masters degree who has 2 daughters and is a stay at home mom.

Both of these daughters are married and live in big cities.

I agree with you that this may not be typical, but it is reality for some.

 

[Serap]

I think it’s harder than it has to be, because of our current culture. Our culture doesn’t value new life…it values money, independenc, attention, instant gratification. Think of Mary going to stay with Elizabeth for 3 months. How often do we see this now? Did any of my younger childless cousins (or even my childless little sister) come stay with me when I had my last baby? Even when my husband had to deploy when baby was 5 days old? Of course not! Young women are commonly wrapped up in their own selfish world, perusing their own “goals”. We don’t help each other anymore. We don’t value family anymore. Rarely do generations live together today, helping to care for young children in groups. That’s how it used to be and science shows this benefits children and mothers the most. But we rarely have grandmas, aunts, cousins helping to raise children in the family. Mothers today tend to be very isolated, shouldering all the weight themselves. I would love to see things heading the other way.

amen

 

[Serap]

Parenting, done well, is very hard and very time consuming.

Grandparenting makes it all worthwhile.

My kids grandparents offer me no help.

I will change that with my own kids and be there for my kids as a helper and aid.

 

[Serap]

This is rather unrealistic.

So…if people don’t work at a paying job, how do they obtain necessities like food, shelter, health care, etc.?

There was a time when most women did not work outside of the home, but instead, made the home by having children and caring for them, as well as caring for the house, and helping their husbands with the farm work.

But this time is long gone. Most women do not live on a farm, and if they do, they probably work at a job away from the farm to be able to keep the farm. (My dad and brother farm a farm that has been in the family for four generations.)

There are some men who make a salary that pays the bills and provides some occasional pleasures or even luxuries. But many women marry men who do not make enough income in their jobs to provide for the basic needs of the family. So women work outside the home.

This means that they don’t have the available time to spend months with a friend, or to spend the majority of the waking hours at home with children.

It also means that women must get adequate sleep and cannot have children waking them up through out the the night. The family survival often depends on the woman’s job and her keeping it. If she is fired for drowsiness on the job that leads to an injury or death of a fellow worker or customer, or even to the loss of an account or customer–well, this just can’t happen, or the family will be left without adequate money to pay their bills.

I realize that there are some families who sacrifice a great many “needs” to be able to keep mother at home with children. Good for them.

But for many families, this just isn’t possible. Many women simply cannot spend their days caring for children, growing their own food and preserving and preparing it, and living the most simple lifestyle.

How can the trend be reversed?

I’m not sure it can be. I think that if a woman wants to live the life of a homemaker, she needs to be very very careful to seek out and marry a man who is fairly certain (if such a thing is possible in today’s world) to earn a high salary and have good benefits. That way, the woman can stay home with children and make the home. But if a woman marries a “typical” man nowadays, she is very likely going to end up working outside the home.

Wish this post wasn’t so negative, but I think we need to face reality and figure out how to make the best of it, rather than sighing for the past.

negative, but keeping it real. it’s the way it is

 

[Brendan]

My mom and dad had 12 children, when my mom hears me complain about the work invovled raising 4 she just laughs and says I need a few more to put it in perspective.

We have six ourselves. When we were expecting our fourth, my wife and I happened to encounter the mother of my college roommate. He was oldest of 11.

Her comment on hearing that we were expecting our 6th child “Oh that’s fantastic, I really don’t know how people with less than 6 can manage”

 

[KellyPalmer]

We have lived 1500 miles from family all our married lives; my dear Mom, who was terrified of flying, flew in anyway and stayed a week when we had our first child. My MIL and her sister came to help out with our second; was I ever relieved and grateful!

We are blessed to have one daughter, SIL and little grandson here in town. I watch him 4 days/week, 5 hrs./day while she is finishing grad school. During her 9 month externship, I will have him M-F, 7 am to 6:30 pm. He will be about 2- 2 1/2 at the time. I fear I may be in a rubber room by the time she’s done, but we can’t imagine putting him in day care. He is a perpetual motion machine, quite willful, but funny, loving and smarter than all of us! It is sometimes hard, but so rewarding. His grandfather and I are glad to help.

Our sweet SIL talks about a “family compound” where, in our rapidly approaching later years we could live with/ near them, as he loves having family together.

Our other daughter, husband and long-awaited baby boy are 3 hrs. away and we just returned from a visit. We see them frequently, and she and the baby will stay with us when her husband is out if town. That’s just what our family does!

It was not always easy when our girls were growing up (dd #2 didn’t sleep more than 3 hrs. at a time until she was 6) but I cannot imagine life without them, and now thoroughly enjoy our grandsons. Still can’t get enough of them, and neither can my husband; they are all precious.

I love it! Thanks for sharing.

 

[Sarcelle]

It is. But things get harder as you go along, you will see. Not to bum you out or anything. Little kids are physically challenging, exhausting at times, but simple. Their joys are simple, their problems are simple, you can put a band-aid on a boo-boo, give them a kiss and off they go again.

As they start to grow up and make some of their own choices and start learning the harder lessons of life, the emotional and spiritual realms come to the fore. No longer can a band-aid fix their injuries - sometimes, the pain can’t be taken away, you just have to love them through it. Prayer becomes absolutely critical (even more!) and you will enlist everyone you know to pray for your kids as they mature into tweens and teens. You stay up waiting for them to come home. You stay up waiting to hear how their night went. You stay up worrying when you don’t get a text or a skype chat during the day. There are so many dangers in the world today. When they were little, I thought - no, I KNEW - I could save my sons from most dangers in their circumscribed world. I patrolled the borders fiercely, keeping them from harm. But then they grew up, and walked out of the compound to face the world on their own terms.

Now I pray a lot, and have insomnia.

I have dear friends who have a daughter who is addicted to crystal meth. I can see the pain and anguish they feel. Their daughter is over 18 and has had two children out of wedlock and is now an addict to boot. Her two children are now being raised by my friends. Please pray for them.

 

[Serap]

I have dear friends who have a daughter who addicted to crystal meth. I can see the pain and anguish they feel. Their daughter is over 18 and has had two children out of wedlock and is now an addict to boot. Her two children are now being raised by my friends. Please pray for them.

ouch…that’s terrible.

 

[KellyPalmer]

This is rather unrealistic.

So…if people don’t work at a paying job, how do they obtain necessities like food, shelter, health care, etc.?

There was a time when most women did not work outside of the home, but instead, made the home by having children and caring for them, as well as caring for the house, and helping their husbands with the farm work.

But this time is long gone. Most women do not live on a farm, and if they do, they probably work at a job away from the farm to be able to keep the farm. (My dad and brother farm a farm that has been in the family for four generations.)

There are some men who make a salary that pays the bills and provides some occasional pleasures or even luxuries. But many women marry men who do not make enough income in their jobs to provide for the basic needs of the family. So women work outside the home.

This means that they don’t have the available time to spend months with a friend, or to spend the majority of the waking hours at home with children.

It also means that women must get adequate sleep and cannot have children waking them up through out the the night. The family survival often depends on the woman’s job and her keeping it. If she is fired for drowsiness on the job that leads to an injury or death of a fellow worker or customer, or even to the loss of an account or customer–well, this just can’t happen, or the family will be left without adequate money to pay their bills.

I realize that there are some families who sacrifice a great many “needs” to be able to keep mother at home with children. Good for them.

But for many families, this just isn’t possible. Many women simply cannot spend their days caring for children, growing their own food and preserving and preparing it, and living the most simple lifestyle.

How can the trend be reversed?

I’m not sure it can be. I think that if a woman wants to live the life of a homemaker, she needs to be very very careful to seek out and marry a man who is fairly certain (if such a thing is possible in today’s world) to earn a high salary and have good benefits. That way, the woman can stay home with children and make the home. But if a woman marries a “typical” man nowadays, she is very likely going to end up working outside the home.

Wish this post wasn’t so negative, but I think we need to face reality and figure out how to make the best of it, rather than sighing for the past.

I don’t understand what you are saying. What exactly do you think is unrealistic?

Who said people shouldn’t work a paying job? I’m so confused by your post and how it relates to mine, lol. Are you talking about my comment about Elizabeth going to stay with Mary? Because when I had my last son and my husband deployed right away, you know what my younger sister was doing? Paying out of pocket to work as an apprentice on an organic farm. Yeah, she was losing money on the deal. But she wanted to pursue her own interests. My mom also didn’t help me. She lives nearby and doesn’t work. She travels for her own enjoyment. What we value today in our young women is college and earning potential. The thought that someone would instead go stay with a family member and help them is almost completely unheard of. It would cost them little to no money to go stay with a loved one and help.

Is it that you want this to turn into a mommy war of WOHM vs SAHM? I’m not suggesting that everyone can stay home. However there is a real problem in our society of families not helping families. They can do it, in many cases. If they want to keep up with the Jonses, probably not. The standards we live up to now are ridiculous. My grandma was a stay at home mom until her 7th was in school full time. My grandpa enlisted in the Air Force at 18. They had 7 kids and lived in a 2 bedroom house. And it was probably 50X better than most kids are raised today. Think how many saints were born into poverty. And what holy people they became! We place way too much value on work and earning. Yes, we need to be able to put a roof over our heads and food in our mouths but we live in a land of extreme wealth. This can be done for very little. We just have to reevaluate our standards.

“…if a woman wants to live the life of a homemaker…” …Really?? Our society is so warped. I’ve “lived the life of a homemaker” for the last 10 years and my husband hasn’t made a high salary. He enlisted into the Navy. I also grow my own food and preserve it. Yep! The “typical” family has iphones and a whole slew of other unnecessary luxuries. It doesn’t have to be that way. How will it change? People will have to stop wanting to live of the world.

 

[Sillara]

This is rather unrealistic.

So…if people don’t work at a paying job, how do they obtain necessities like food, shelter, health care, etc.?

There was a time when most women did not work outside of the home, but instead, made the home by having children and caring for them, as well as caring for the house, and helping their husbands with the farm work.

But this time is long gone. Most women do not live on a farm, and if they do, they probably work at a job away from the farm to be able to keep the farm. (My dad and brother farm a farm that has been in the family for four generations.)

There are some men who make a salary that pays the bills and provides some occasional pleasures or even luxuries. But many women marry men who do not make enough income in their jobs to provide for the basic needs of the family. So women work outside the home.

This means that they don’t have the available time to spend months with a friend, or to spend the majority of the waking hours at home with children.

It also means that women must get adequate sleep and cannot have children waking them up through out the the night. The family survival often depends on the woman’s job and her keeping it. If she is fired for drowsiness on the job that leads to an injury or death of a fellow worker or customer, or even to the loss of an account or customer–well, this just can’t happen, or the family will be left without adequate money to pay their bills.

I realize that there are some families who sacrifice a great many “needs” to be able to keep mother at home with children. Good for them.

But for many families, this just isn’t possible. Many women simply cannot spend their days caring for children, growing their own food and preserving and preparing it, and living the most simple lifestyle.

How can the trend be reversed?

I’m not sure it can be. I think that if a woman wants to live the life of a homemaker, she needs to be very very careful to seek out and marry a man who is fairly certain (if such a thing is possible in today’s world) to earn a high salary and have good benefits. That way, the woman can stay home with children and make the home. But if a woman marries a “typical” man nowadays, she is very likely going to end up working outside the home.

Wish this post wasn’t so negative, but I think we need to face reality and figure out how to make the best of it, rather than sighing for the past.

I am a stay-at-home mother. We have six children. I homeschool the four oldest. (The two youngest are 4 and 2, so they are studying yet.) My husband is a teacher, so his salary is not that high.

Off and on throughout our marriage I have held part-time jobs that I could do when my husband was back from work, but that stopped when #4 came along. I am a professional editor, though, so I can do a bit of work at home. It’s not a lot, though.

We are not rich. We never have been. Our children have clothes, food, and shelter. They don’t have the latest toys or what-have-you, but they have five sisters apiece. They never run out of things to do.

They are angelic children by the standards of everyone who has ever met them. Our oldest is, yes, 14, and she is not a “problem” child, nor is she trying to buck our authority or rebel.

On the other hand, she is definitely capable of making grown-up decisions. As one of our friends said, “Your children are more grown-up than most adults I know.”

We made them and their welfare our priority. I have the capacity to work outside the home, and were it to become necessary, I would. But “necessary” does not look to us like it does to many.

 

[Serap]

I am a stay-at-home mother. We have six children. I homeschool the four oldest. (The two youngest are 4 and 2, so they are studying yet.) My husband is a teacher, so his salary is not that high.

Off and on throughout our marriage I have held part-time jobs that I could do when my husband was back from work, but that stopped when #4 came along. I am a professional editor, though, so I can do a bit of work at home. It’s not a lot, though.

We are not rich. We never have been. Our children have clothes, food, and shelter. They don’t have the latest toys or what-have-you, but they have five sisters apiece. They never run out of things to do.

They are angelic children by the standards of everyone who has ever met them. Our oldest is, yes, 14, and she is not a “problem” child, nor is she trying to buck our authority or rebel.

On the other hand, she is definitely capable of making grown-up decisions. As one of our friends said, “Your children are more grown-up than most adults I know.”

We made them and their welfare our priority. I have the capacity to work outside the home, and were it to become necessary, I would. But “necessary” does not look to us like it does to many.

Good for you. You have done a great job. Something to aspire to.