I really blew it

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rayne89

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I really blew it. This is humiliating but it’s killing me and I could really use your prayers. I did something completely out of character for me. Last night I looked at indecent pictures on the internet.

It started off innocent enough. I was doing an image search on something totally unrelated and between all these benign pictures this picture shows up. I was startled and quickly passed over it. Well then I found myself typing in less benign words to see what would come up “out of curiousity” I told myself. Well it quickly got out of hand. I tried rationalizing that I wasn’t actually going to the sites but I knew in my head is was wrong and part of me was screaming to stop.

I finally came to my senses and turned it off. I felt sick inside.I wasn’t planning on tell my husband when he came home (after 2am because he works afternoon shift),not because I was trying to hide it to protect myself but because he’s had problems with porn in the past and I was afraid it would be a temptation for him. Well within 5 minutes of him being home I blurted it out. He was shocked but not angry and actually was trying to console me seeing how upset I was.

Well I have resolved never to do that again and I changed my filters (didn’t even realize I could bring up that kind of stuff). And ofcourse I’m going to confession this Saturday. But these images are burned into my mind. I have felt physically sick all day.I normally am repulsed by porn so for the life of me I just don’t understand how I allowed this to happen. I have been praying and I could use your prayers too.

Feel free to throw the book at me for my stupidity because I know I deserve it.
 
Rayne,

We are always here to pray for you. Don’t condem yourself and let the devil burden you with guilt.

Take care, PM me sometime.

Meggie
 
Rayne! jeeze, I wish I could give you a hug, you sound so distraught.

Even though at the moment, those images seem burned into your mind, if you make a conscious effort to picture the Blessed Mother’s face each and every time those images return to your consciousness, the two will eventually become incompatible.

Keep in mind, too, that we are not culpable for thoughts that come into our mind, it is only if we ENTERTAIN those thoughts. Don’t dwell. Pray, distract yourself, physically pick up another picture or image to focus your eyes upon until the one in your mind fades away. Keep a picture of the Sacred Heart at arm’s reach until you feel like the danger of these images has passed.

I will pray for you. Remind yourself that you turned almost immediately from sin and asked your husband’s forgiveness. He loves you and God loves you.

You might consider taping pictures of your husband and daughter and Jesus/Mary onto your actual computer monitor, too.
 
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rayne89:
I normally am repulsed by porn so for the life of me I just don’t understand how I allowed this to happen.
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Did you feel revulsion in this case? You certainly don’t have to tell me, just consider that if you did not you may want to explore your feelings on the matter.
 
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Tlaloc:
Did you feel revulsion in this case? You certainly don’t have to tell me, just consider that if you did not you may want to explore your feelings on the matter.
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Rayne this right here,is what happened with Eve:nope: Please read Lisa’s truth thread and do not take advice from this poster, pray for this poster.God Bless
 
Rayne: Our Blessed Lord ever and always turns His Face toward mercy, if we are sorry and repentant. At the half-moment you turned away from the screen and toward Him, He leaned forward and caught hold of you and poured His Grace into you so that you could finish the turning. Go to confession. You’ll be absolved. Make an appointment and go early, if you like. Make a good and heartfelt act of contrition in the meantime.
 
You might consider taping pictures of your husband and daughter and Jesus/Mary onto your actual computer monitor, too.
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Oh man, that’s a great idea. I can’t imagine looking at porn with a picture of Jesus staring you right in the face.
 
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Lisa4Catholics:
Rayne this right here,is what happened with Eve:nope:
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Eve looked at porn? I knew the apple thing was symbolic!
Please read Lisa’s truth thread and do not take advice from this poster, pray for this poster.God Bless
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shrug I’m not Catholic, nor do I pretend to be. I respect that you have every right to your beliefs and I’ll be honest with you about mine. Some people find that kind of thing threatening.

My advice is freely given, but as they say, you get what you pay for.
 
Ah yes… I, too, have this struggle, on and off. Although I am male, the degree is different but it’s still the same type of sin. It’s starts out as something small then before we know it… we say “Oh no!!!”

One thing is that we should not feel despair. We should be hopeful and trust always in the mercy of the Lord. Remember that whenever we sin, God is already preparing the graces for us to overcome the sin.
 
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Tlaloc:
Eve looked at porn? I knew the apple thing was symbolic!

shrug I’m not Catholic, nor do I pretend to be. I respect that you have every right to your beliefs and I’ll be honest with you about mine. Some people find that kind of thing threatening.

My advice is freely given, but as they say, you get what you pay for.
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No Eve listened to a serpent who wanted Eve to depart from God’s will and choose something that was harmful:nope: Yes you are honest about what you think and the conclusions you have come to,but you are decieved and that which decieves you will use you to attempt to decieve others.God Bless
 
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Meggie:
Rayne,

We are always here to pray for you. Don’t condem yourself and let the devil burden you with guilt.

Take care, PM me sometime.

Meggie
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Thanks so much Meggie! Hope things are going ok at school. God Bless!
 
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Princess_Abby:
Rayne! jeeze, I wish I could give you a hug, you sound so distraught.

Even though at the moment, those images seem burned into your mind, if you make a conscious effort to picture the Blessed Mother’s face each and every time those images return to your consciousness, the two will eventually become incompatible.

Keep in mind, too, that we are not culpable for thoughts that come into our mind, it is only if we ENTERTAIN those thoughts. Don’t dwell. Pray, distract yourself, physically pick up another picture or image to focus your eyes upon until the one in your mind fades away. Keep a picture of the Sacred Heart at arm’s reach until you feel like the danger of these images has passed.

I will pray for you. Remind yourself that you turned almost immediately from sin and asked your husband’s forgiveness. He loves you and God loves you.

You might consider taping pictures of your husband and daughter and Jesus/Mary onto your actual computer monitor, too.
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Your kindness and prayers are truly humbling to me. Thank you for your encouragement and great suggestions. I think I will definately get some pictues here by the computer.
 
Rayne
,So you blew it! Welcome to the human race! Now pick yourself up, dust yourself off…get to confession and start all over again.
Don’t allow the “father of lie” make you feel so bad about yourself…
Jesus died for our sins and he wants us to go to Him.
He does not want us to condemn ourselves…
He is full of mercy and kindness and remember…
He knew what He was doing when he left us the Sacrament Penance…
 
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Tlaloc:
Did you feel revulsion in this case? You certainly don’t have to tell me, just consider that if you did not you may want to explore your feelings on the matter.
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My husband and I actually discussed quite a bit possible reasons why I fell into this temptation but I’m not going to discuss that here because it wouldn’t be appropriate. Thank you for your concern. God Bless.
 
This is humiliating but it’s killing me
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Rayne,

So many times I have felt disappointed in myself, like I should have done better. It really hurts deeply when I feel that way. A priest once asked me why I was so upset with myself for having sinned. At the time I didn’t know.

I will not throw the book at you. I am no different, and we are all human. You are secure in God’s love. Jesus left us his peace. I wish you peace in this matter!

PS Another poster is right. Fill up you mind or visual space with other images. This is a good remedy.
 
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Lisa4Catholics:
Rayne this right here,is what happened with Eve:nope: Please read Lisa’s truth thread and do not take advice from this poster, pray for this poster.God Bless
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Lisa I am familiar with Tlaloc and the thread you mentioned, infact I’ve posted on it a few times. I realize Tlaloc is coming from a secular understanding. I don’t think his (her-?) comment is completely without merit if taken properly. I do need to know the possible reasons I would allow myself to fall into this so that I may be able to avoid it in the furture. I understand his/her comment could be taken a very different way and I realize and appreciate your concern.
 
This is** just **reason why our Faith is such a treasure.
When we fall, even when it’s a serious sin, Jesus will always take you into His arms to welcome you back.
You are still precious to Him and He loves you to pieces.
Your next Holy Communion will be a special one, I’m sure.
God Bless you for your honesty.

Cliff
 
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rayne89:
Lisa I am familiar with Tlaloc and the thread you mentioned, infact I’ve posted on it a few times. I realize Tlaloc is coming from a secular understanding. I don’t think his (her-?) comment is completely without merit if taken properly. I do need to know the possible reasons I would allow myself to fall into this so that I may be able to avoid it in the furture. I understand his/her comment could be taken a very different way and I realize and appreciate your concern.
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Rayne all of us have messed up and sinned big time.Sometimes curiosity itself can get you in a mess and I understand how you feel.I shouldn’t have been like an old mother hen with Tlaloc,and for that I apologise.The subtle nature in most of his post and the reoccuring themes are unsettling sometimes.I know how you feel I have been there. I also know how vulnerable you feel.I will say an extra prayer tonight for you God Bless
 
I used to have a problem with porn too. I think all men do at some point (women not so much, but occasionally I guess). I read on a catholic website that a good thing to do is whenever those images come up in your mind (and just on a sidenote, daemons can play around with your memory) it’s a good remedy to say a little prayer for whoever is actually in the porn. Their sin is worse.

It’s good to get rid of your curiosity, so Tlaloc is right in a way. Also, if you constantly focus on the sin, and resisting temptation, you’ll eventually break down. It’s much better to fill your soul with a virtue–in this case, Temperance. I find it works much better to focus on doing good than resisting evil.

God bless! And don’t be too scrupulous!
 
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Neithan:
I read on a catholic website that a good thing to do is whenever those images come up in your mind (and just on a sidenote, daemons can play around with your memory) it’s a good remedy to say a little prayer for whoever is actually in the porn. Their sin is worse.

God bless! And don’t be too scrupulous!
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It’s funny you should mention that because believe it or not while I was looking at these pictures I did say prayers in my head for these people, - and yet I kept on looking! How crazy is that? What stopped me dead was a picture that came up that included a very under-aged looking participant. I was beyond horrified and turned it off immediately. I thought I was going to throw up and I was trembling all over. I have been praying for this poor boy who ever he is.
 
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