I resent my mother

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I want to start off with my life and how I was raised. Ever since I was a little girl, I was verbally abused by my mother. When I reached puberty at the age of 11, the verbal abuse got to me to the point where I began to have suicidal thoughts and I used to cut myself because of it. No matter how much I achieved, it would never be enough for her. I am now 16 but through the grace of God, I don’t cut myself and I don’t have suicidal thoughts much. Because of it, I had such low self-esteem until I was a freshman, when I began to get out of my shell through youth group. To this day, I don’t have any feelings toward my mother. I don’t love her, neither do I hate her. In fact there are days when I forget the abuse and I love her, but there are some when I just want to leave the house because of her. I think she is hypocritical, because she watches religious TV (similar to EWTN) and is so religious, yet she verbally abuses my sister and I. I feel really bad for my sister because I read her diary (i know I shouldn’t but something told me that I had to) and I was shocked when I read it because she also too has resentment towards my mother and is now having self-esteem issues because of it. It’s gotten to the point where I want to move far away from home for college and just,…rebel against her. In fact, I feel anger towards her and I want to forgive her, but no matter how I try, I just can’t feel as though I forgive her. What can I do to pass the year and half left I have before graduation? Please pray for me, because there are days when I am sick and tired of all this resentment and break free from it all.
 
You should pray for your mother. If you do things will change. Maybe things won’t ever be perfect, but they’ll be better.
 
Is your dad around? Or another trusted adult? Grandparents? Aunts/uncles? If these people don’t know what’s going on, tell them. You need an adult to help you and your sister deal with this. God bless!
 
Regina7 said:
Is your dad around? Or another trusted adult? Grandparents? Aunts/uncles? If these people don’t know what’s going on, tell them. You need an adult to help you and your sister deal with this. God bless!
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Yes, my dad is around and a lot of my relatives know about this issue. My dad really can’t do anything about it because he is too “soft” and is dealing with his own issues in regards to my mom. My relatives can’t really do anything about this problem. None of my grandparents are around (the only one living is overseas). The only person that could’ve really changed her is her father, but he died many years ago…
 
hello Jcat

You remind me of a dear friend of mine who also is suffering because of her mother’s behavior. At 8 yrs old, her mother even told her … I hate you but I love you because you are my daughter… There are truly some things that cannot be explained in this world. I cannot imagine the emotional pain inflicted in you. Please find comfort in our Catholic faith. You are just 16 and have a whole life ahead of you. My friend right now is blessed with a good husband a beautiful daughter who are the motivation of her life. Please do not hate your mother since this is not good for you. Keeping distance for your own sanity is fine but continue to pray, pray for your mother and pray for yourself… May God bless you in this life journey.
 
JCats1 said:
Please pray for me, because there are days when I am sick and tired of all this resentment and break free from it all.
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You have my extreme sympathies. I think I’ve spoken about my mother before; I have no reason to again just now. But suffice to say I have similar feelings and I feel for your pain and resentment.

I will pray for you, and for your mother. It’s not easy hating someone whom ought to act as deserving of our respect. One thing, though: you really can’t make your mother any worse or better than she is now by your own will or action. She is the way she is because of her own actions. Perhaps letting go of her stupid actions and words might be a step. It isn’t easy. But it can be done… somehow.

Making yourself available to help her, even if she verbally abuses you - that can help. At least, that has been my experience. Don’t make rifts any bigger; don’t allow yourself to make them any bigger. Try to close them if she lets you.
 
JCats1 said:
I want to start off with my life and how I was raised. Ever since I was a little girl, I was verbally abused by my mother. When I reached puberty at the age of 11, the verbal abuse got to me to the point where I began to have suicidal thoughts and I used to cut myself because of it. No matter how much I achieved, it would never be enough for her. I am now 16 but through the grace of God, I don’t cut myself and I don’t have suicidal thoughts much. Because of it, I had such low self-esteem until I was a freshman, when I began to get out of my shell through youth group. To this day, I don’t have any feelings toward my mother. I don’t love her, neither do I hate her. In fact there are days when I forget the abuse and I love her, but there are some when I just want to leave the house because of her. I think she is hypocritical, because she watches religious TV (similar to EWTN) and is so religious, yet she verbally abuses my sister and I. I feel really bad for my sister because I read her diary (i know I shouldn’t but something told me that I had to) and I was shocked when I read it because she also too has resentment towards my mother and is now having self-esteem issues because of it. It’s gotten to the point where I want to move far away from home for college and just,…rebel against her. In fact, I feel anger towards her and I want to forgive her, but no matter how I try, I just can’t feel as though I forgive her. What can I do to pass the year and half left I have before graduation? Please pray for me, because there are days when I am sick and tired of all this resentment and break free from it all.
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You need to plan ahead for the day when you will be free of this horrible person. My father, Mother and stepfather were horrible to me and my siblings. They beat and tortured us all the years we were growing up and when we were 15 years old we were all kicked out of the house. Just take control of your own life and train your sister that way to. You can be a much better person than your parent is and you can live life on your own terms. I’m a very old man now, but after a few years of initial struggling I was able to plant myself in a solid foundation and have been happy for 35 years. Life is what you make of it not what your parents make of it for you. Good Luck. 👍
 
Your mother is vulnerable deep down. The insecurities and the mundane and the very dreary. Maybe it has to do with your dad, not stepping up, not doing his duty as husband and father. She has to be the one in control and if she doesn’t , everything is going to fall apart. So she can’t let that happen and she vents her frustrations on her kids. This is not hate. Make her a cup of chamomile tea, Have a heart to heart talk with her and tell her it’s ruining family life and your future. She has to see that it’s damaging your relationship and all love and respect is flying out the window. Your dad needs to be engaged too. Maybe he’s in his cocoon for too long.
 
In addtition to the above great advice, remember that you have a Mother in heaven that loves you and will always be there for you.
 
It is so hard to forget the hurtful things people have said to us- especially a parent. The best then is to surround yourself with people that affirm and support you and try to maybe look at the hurt your mother might be carrying ftom her childhood that could explain it.
That is not an excuse, of course, but she probably has a lot of unresolved issues.
 
I don’t know if this works on adults but I use this on my kids. When they are doing something wrong like throwing a fit we record them with a smart phone or a tablet. My wife will face time their Aunt (wife’s sister) while they are in the middle of a fit. My kids hate it and it shuts them right up. We have kept some of the more dramatic ones to play back to them. They don’t like to see themselves foaming at the mouth.

Just an idea - of course an adult might snatch your iphone and throw it in the toilet.

I’ll say a prayer for your situation.

God bless.
 
You can and you must forgive her. I had the same problem with my father which caused me problems later in life. Finally I figured all this out and forgave him so I could go on with my life. He ended up spending his dying days with me, which was a complete turnaround of how I felt about him at one point.
 
Your post could have been written by my daughter. Please pray for your mother. Mental illness has various causes - mine has been alleviated by diet. But not knowing that at the time doesn’t excuse the things I said to my daughter. I had no intention to hurt her, but managed to do so anyway. I apologized to her and our relationship is much better now. I hope your mother and you find healing.
 
JCats,

I know a bit how you feel as I am struggling with this as well. I always knew my parents were unhealthily overprotective and controlling, but when I took it to my priest, he helped me realize that I’m being emotionally and verbally abused. This explains why I suffer from anxiety, depression, binge disorder, no self esteem or confidence in myself, perfectionism, social anxiety. They taught me hate everything about myself that makes me special; that I am incapable of making my own adult decisions; that I’m stubborn; that I’m a horrible daughter; that you can’t trust anyone; no one wants to hear your problems. Even when I know the correct decision, I doubt myself because my parents should have my best interest in mind, but I can’t trust their advice. I hate how I can’t just be happy, how I can’t enjoy being around other people, how I can’t stop bingeing. If I do try to go without it, I can hardly bear the pain. I hate how I know they will never acknowledge their wrongdoings and I hate that I have allowed them to control me for so long and I’ve missed out on so much.

A year ago, I tried to open up to my mom about how I feel that my dad emotionally neglected me growing up. He never talked/talks to me unless he wants to yell at me about something. She said some things I can’t repeat and just shut me down. When I opened up about my anxiety, all they could say is that I shouldn’t go to grad school. As morbid as it sounds, at this point, I grieved the loss of my parents. I knew they would just never be there for me in the way I need them. When I was in therapy, my mom pestered about what I was discussing. After a while, I realized that she didn’t actually care about my struggles, she just wanted to make sure I wasn’t saying anything about her! I feel so guilty because they’ve given me so much, but I never wanted anything material and I never asked for it. I just wanted approval and support. To know that, once, they were proud of who I am, not for what I’ve accomplished academically (I’m an honors student).

The worst is that they act like nothing is wrong. I see them and they’re always so ‘happy’. It just feels so fake! I hate having to pretend like we are all so close, when I know they don’t truly care for my well-being. So many times I swallow my words to avoid an argument and I feel like they don’t even try at all. I am at the end of my rope and I don’t know how much more I can give. They only want my ‘love’ to fill themselves because their parents abused them so they need the love they never got. I try to have compassion for this, but they throw their past abuse in my face when I’m upset about something like it’s an excuse: “Our parents were awful, but we forgave them, so we are the best ever.”

The more I delve into uncovering my feelings, the more resentful I become. I am ashamed that I don’t even want a relationship with them, especially my father. He is just an angry man who never took an interest in me. When he isn’t yelling, he is being negative and critical of someone else or bragging about how awesome he is, just generally unpleasant to be around. Like you, I just want to move out, run away and not tell them where I am going. I am ashamed that the longer I go without contact, the happier I become.

I pray that us, and those in similar situations, may be healed from this pain and have the strength to forgive :gopray:
 
I grew up with parents who were verbally abusive. I was told back then that I would never amount to anything, I had nothing to offer to a future spouse, etc.

I pray that you will be able to forgive your mother and that you will be able to move out as soon as you are able. (becoming an adult, saving money, etc.). In my case, I didn’t think ahead and save for moving out of my parents’ house. If I would have saved up as I was working part-time in high school, I would have been able to move out sooner than I did.

I resented my parents for a long time. In some ways, I still do. It is definitely a work in progress. I am working on totally forgiving them.
 
Graceful_Lamb said:
I grew up with parents who were verbally abusive. I was told back then that I would never amount to anything, I had nothing to offer to a future spouse, etc.

I pray that you will be able to forgive your mother and that you will be able to move out as soon as you are able. (becoming an adult, saving money, etc.). In my case, I didn’t think ahead and save for moving out of my parents’ house. If I would have saved up as I was working part-time in high school, I would have been able to move out sooner than I did.

I resented my parents for a long time. In some ways, I still do. It is definitely a work in progress. I am working on totally forgiving them.
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Graceful_Lamb

I was told things along the same lines as well. “I am so difficult to deal with, so no man with ever want to marry me.” What a way to build self-image in your teenagers, parents…A big part of forgiveness is healing the hurt. If you have not done so already, I would suggest therapy to weed out the lies they told you and to work through your resentment. Believe me, I know how hard it is and through therapy, I am realizing that there is only a small percentage of things my parents taught me that I find to be true and agree with. This is truly difficult because people don’t think verbal/emotional abuse is a serious issue. My first therapist didn’t believe me…so I found another…

God bless!
 
TOBaddict said:
Graceful_Lamb

I was told things along the same lines as well. “I am so difficult to deal with, so no man with ever want to marry me.” What a way to build self-image in your teenagers, parents…A big part of forgiveness is healing the hurt. If you have not done so already, I would suggest therapy to weed out the lies they told you and to work through your resentment. Believe me, I know how hard it is and through therapy, I am realizing that there is only a small percentage of things my parents taught me that I find to be true and agree with. This is truly difficult because people don’t think verbal/emotional abuse is a serious issue. My first therapist didn’t believe me…so I found another…

God bless!
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I have been to therapy years ago, on and off.

As I am starting to grow in my Catholic faith, I am starting to deal with my resentment, little by little.

Glad to hear that you found another therapist who believes you. Best wishes in your journey.
 
My mother was also verbally abused by her mother who often called her ugly. I don’t get it. I’ve seen pictures of my mother when she was younger and she reminded me of Audrey Hepburn. The resemblance is striking.

Understandably my mom struggled with her mom all through her life but in the end they buried the hatchet between them and there was finally peace.

I pray the same happens for you.
 
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