I suck at discernment

[beloved_1]

I am going to start by saying that I kind of hate dating. I have the ability to work though issues with men, forgive them for things, encourage them, etc. I know that when I am married the one thing I won’t have to worry about is discerning if someone i marriage material.
In the mean time I need some help discerning the character of men while I am dating.
I was in a relationship for 3.5 years and his past scared me, he had an addiction to pornography, would lie to me about it and eventually started lying constantly about another girl he was talking to. It took a long time, but eventually I had the grace to break it off with him.
I hadn’t really been in any kind of serious relationship since until now. I am dating a good catholic man, he comes from a great family, very catholic, his parents have a good marriage, they are all very close. He studied Catholic philosophy, is very active in his faith, he is relatively humble and takes criticism well. He is very smart, well formed conscience. There are a few things about him though that I want to make sure are not “red flags”. I know that no man is perfect and every man will have little imperfections I will have to not “overlook” but know that they are things he still needs to grow in. I was just looking over the “dump him list” on another forum and it’s not hard to take a couple of those and somehow find him in the traits listed.
The first thing is he has told me a few “white lies”. Usually it has been a time where I asked him something and in the moment he was kind of embarrassed (not over very serious things) and lied and I have called him out and been like “come on, that’s not true” and he has said “you’re right, I guess it’s not” and then told me the truth. The only time that it was more intentional is when I asked him not to tell his roommates (he lives with a group of catholic men) something about us and he did (he said he never should have agreed not to, which is fine and said they are his brothers, and he needed them to know) so I am O.K with the fact that he told them… but… he intentionally didn’t tell me he did because he thought I would feel betrayed… so instead he omitted information he knew I wanted. Later on when talking about it again, he told the whole story, but didn’t point out he had previously been dishonest (I figured it out and confronted him).

So men, would you say this is boyish lying and because he has been single for a very long time and I know a lot of it is hasn’t very seriously thought about as being lies and he needs to work on it or should I run?

There are some other things I will address after some responses to this particular issue

 

[SuperLuigi]

I am going to start by saying that I kind of hate dating. I have the ability to work though issues with men, forgive them for things, encourage them, etc. I know that when I am married the one thing I won’t have to worry about is discerning if someone i marriage material.
In the mean time I need some help discerning the character of men while I am dating.
I was in a relationship for 3.5 years and his past scared me, he had an addiction to pornography, would lie to me about it and eventually started lying constantly about another girl he was talking to. It took a long time, but eventually I had the grace to break it off with him.
I hadn’t really been in any kind of serious relationship since until now. I am dating a good catholic man, he comes from a great family, very catholic, his parents have a good marriage, they are all very close. He studied Catholic philosophy, is very active in his faith, he is relatively humble and takes criticism well. He is very smart, well formed conscience. There are a few things about him though that I want to make sure are not “red flags”. I know that no man is perfect and every man will have little imperfections I will have to not “overlook” but know that they are things he still needs to grow in. I was just looking over the “dump him list” on another forum and it’s not hard to take a couple of those and somehow find him in the traits listed.
The first thing is he has told me a few “white lies”. Usually it has been a time where I asked him something and in the moment he was kind of embarrassed (not over very serious things) and lied and I have called him out and been like “come on, that’s not true” and he has said “you’re right, I guess it’s not” and then told me the truth. The only time that it was more intentional is when I asked him not to tell his roommates (he lives with a group of catholic men) something about us and he did (he said he never should have agreed not to, which is fine and said they are his brothers, and he needed them to know) so I am O.K with the fact that he told them… but… he intentionally didn’t tell me he did because he thought I would feel betrayed… so instead he omitted information he knew I wanted. Later on when talking about it again, he told the whole story, but didn’t point out he had previously been dishonest (I figured it out and confronted him).

So men, would you say this is boyish lying and because he has been single for a very long time and I know a lot of it is hasn’t very seriously thought about as being lies and he needs to work on it or should I run?

There are some other things I will address after some responses to this particular issue

It’s entirely possible that he is nervous about the relationship and may tell what appear to be minor lies to avoid embarrassment (which is one of the lesser sins of lying) but once you communicate to him its preferable to tell the truth, he feels more comfortable with telling you about the real deal.

I would suggest to you at this point to be patient with him over this, but you will want to communicate your feelings to him about these situations.

I tend to tell women in general in this day and age to give their guys a little slack because a lot men have trouble communicating with women.

So you don’t want to be too picky, but on the other hand, when someone starts dragging you through the mud, it’s really time to let go.

 

[beloved_1]

It’s entirely possible that he is nervous about the relationship and may tell what appear to be minor lies to avoid embarrassment (which is one of the lesser sins of lying) but once you communicate to him its preferable to tell the truth, he feels more comfortable with telling you about the real deal.

I would suggest to you at this point to be patient with him over this, but you will want to communicate your feelings to him about these situations.

I tend to tell women in general in this day and age to give their guys a little slack because a lot men have trouble communicating with women.

So you don’t want to be too picky, but on the other hand, when someone starts dragging you through the mud, it’s really time to let go.

Thank you, that is helpful to hear. I was a little concerned because we had already discussed it a little and it kind of happened again (in different forms) but I am kind of seeing it as something he is working on. I forgot, he also another time avoided telling me something because he didn’t want to “rock the boat”. I have told him that him not telling me things because of how I might react tells me he doesn’t trust me to act as a woman of God and that is offensive. He said he understood, but I do feel scared. I get so scared about lying. I think I am more scared about it than I should be.

 

[The_Bucket]

I have told him that him not telling me things because of how I might react tells me he doesn’t trust me to act as a woman of God and that is offensive. He said he understood, but I do feel scared. I get so scared about lying. I think I am more scared about it than I should be.

I think maybe you should tell him point blank why you’re worried about his lying. He is not required to broadcast every aspect of his life, but when asked he should be “man enough” not to lie. As an example, if you ask him about his past or something that’s irrelevant to your relationship, he has the right to say that he’s not comfortable sharing everything. But he should not lie.

I totally understand where you are coming from though. I lied to my wife about about my own pornography addiction for years. For obvious reasons. There were no other people (be they real life or online) but I was still absolutely ashamed of my addiction and all that came with it. I’ve been in a recovery program for nearly a year now and I find that it’s the deception that’s the worst part. That’s not to say that my wife would have tolerated pornography. But she would have at least not felt gaslighted or that she was crazy if I told her straight up “Honey, I know this is hard, but I’m really struggling with porn. I have since I was a teenager and I basically use it like a drug.”

She’s always wondering whether or not I’m “being good” and I just tell her that I’m doing what I need to do and that she can’t be worried about it all the time. Which is the truth. I am not perfect. I am sober from watching porn and the other stuff that goes with that, but I am not without my sins related to lust. Should she know every temptation or every thought I dwell on for too long? I should think not. Should I lie about it if asked? No.

 

[beloved_1]

I think maybe you should tell him point blank why you’re worried about his lying. He is not required to broadcast every aspect of his life, but when asked he should be “man enough” not to lie. As an example, if you ask him about his past or something that’s irrelevant to your relationship, he has the right to say that he’s not comfortable sharing everything. But he should not lie.

I totally understand where you are coming from though. I lied to my wife about about my own pornography addiction for years. For obvious reasons. There were no other people (be they real life or online) but I was still absolutely ashamed of my addiction and all that came with it. I’ve been in a recovery program for nearly a year now and I find that it’s the deception that’s the worst part. That’s not to say that my wife would have tolerated pornography. But she would have at least not felt gaslighted or that she was crazy if I told her straight up “Honey, I know this is hard, but I’m really struggling with porn. I have since I was a teenager and I basically use it like a drug.”

She’s always wondering whether or not I’m “being good” and I just tell her that I’m doing what I need to do and that she can’t be worried about it all the time. Which is the truth. I am not perfect. I am sober from watching porn and the other stuff that goes with that, but I am not without my sins related to lust. Should she know every temptation or every thought I dwell on for too long? I should think not. Should I lie about it if asked? No.

Yea, I don’t THINK he would bold face lie to me. I have noticed him correcting himself more often to be careful that what he is saying it true. I do get scared sometimes that he’s lying about something, but I have decided that if I do not have a good reason (some evidence of a lie) it is not my place to find one and drag it out. Not that I know he is, but when that fear arises, is it right for me to ignore it and practice trust. I want to trust the man I am with but I know sometimes I will be scared and have to control my desire to “lie hunt”.

I also want to know if a woman should ask a man about his history with pornography or if he struggles with it? I feel like it’s extremely rude and not my place. Should I trust that if things got serious he would volunteer that information? Or will I at some point need to ask? I don’t want to know the answer to be honest , hahaha. I know it is important for me to know if we were to get serious, right?

This guy is good man, and I know that, he just kind of doesn’t have a clue what it means to be in a relationship. I feel like I have the grace to be patient, but I do not want to be that girl that settles. When do you know if you’re settling and if you’re just helping someone be a better person?

The other thing is in regard to chastity. Both of us agree we want to wait to be married to have sex, but his line is farther than mine. I know in the moment and around it he will justify it and be like “I dunno, is that really serious?” but I know deep down he knows it is. He does not push me or get angry when I say no, or anything like that, but he doesn’t resist as much as other men I have dated… which is weird, because he’s way more well rounded, I just think he’s more laid back in general and has a harder time being intense about things.

 

[Archangelic]

Yea, I don’t THINK he would bold face lie to me. I have noticed him correcting himself more often to be careful that what he is saying it true. I do get scared sometimes that he’s lying about something, but I have decided that if I do not have a good reason (some evidence of a lie) it is not my place to find one and drag it out. Not that I know he is, but when that fear arises, is it right for me to ignore it and practice trust. I want to trust the man I am with but I know sometimes I will be scared and have to control my desire to “lie hunt”.

I also want to know if a woman should ask a man about his history with pornography or if he struggles with it? I feel like it’s extremely rude and not my place. Should I trust that if things got serious he would volunteer that information? Or will I at some point need to ask? I don’t want to know the answer to be honest , hahaha. I know it is important for me to know if we were to get serious, right?

This guy is good man, and I know that, he just kind of doesn’t have a clue what it means to be in a relationship. I feel like I have the grace to be patient, but I do not want to be that girl that settles. When do you know if you’re settling and if you’re just helping someone be a better person?

The other thing is in regard to chastity. Both of us agree we want to wait to be married to have sex, but his line is farther than mine. I know in the moment and around it he will justify it and be like “I dunno, is that really serious?” but I know deep down he knows it is. He does not push me or get angry when I say no, or anything like that, but he doesn’t resist as much as other men I have dated… which is weird, because he’s way more well rounded, I just think he’s more laid back in general and has a harder time being intense about things.

I think you need to relax and stop judging and second-guessing everything he says and does. He sounds like a good guy. He has some small, human faults (don’t we all?). You are not going to find a man who doesn’t have flaws. You are not going to find a man who doesn’t make mistakes.

Your paragraph about chastity confuses me. Are you saying he is pushing for sex? If so, I take back what I said in the first paragraph. If not, be a little clearer about what he is doing that is worrying you.

As for the pornography, at this point, his history with it is none of your business. If he is currently struggling with it, it will become apparent in how he interacts and treats you and how he interacts with other women. If he is not struggling with it, he shouldn’t have to endure a line of questioning about it from you.

 

[beloved_1]

I think you need to relax and stop judging and second-guessing everything he says and does. He sounds like a good guy. He has some small, human faults (don’t we all?). You are not going to find a man who doesn’t have flaws. You are not going to find a man who doesn’t make mistakes.

Your paragraph about chastity confuses me. Are you saying he is pushing for sex? If so, I take back what I said in the first paragraph. If not, be a little clearer about what he is doing that is worrying you.

As for the pornography, at this point, his history with it is none of your business. If he is currently struggling with it, it will become apparent in how he interacts and treats you and how he interacts with other women. If he is not struggling with it, he shouldn’t have to endure a line of questioning about it from you.

I agree, I should not be second judging everything he says. I would not say it is that crazy that I have questioned it at all because he has lied. I am trying to do the right thing in it, as opposed to what I “want” or what my past history tells me.

Ok, I am glad I asked about the pornography. My last boyfriend volunteered the information early on. I do not know how apparent something like that would be. I think I assume that if it’s hard for a guy to struggle with chastity in our relationship then he must struggle with it alone. I guess that could be wrong.

He does not push sex. He has never had sex in a relationship and does not want to outside marriage. At times we have given into crossing lines here and there (more then making out) and I have been the one to be like “Ok, let’s stop” and he does, but he seems less concerned sometimes about how wrong it is.

 

[Southern]

I think the key word here is Trust. The bottom line is do you trust him? Do not judge your trust with him on your past experiences. Let the one without sin cast the first stone. I’m sure there are things you may struggle with. Our downfalls may all be different but we all have them. True relationships try to help the other person. I have a pornography problem and my wife doesn’t judge me on it but tries her best to help me through it because I want to change. I bet you tell white lies too. We all do. Whether it be to ourselves or to others. If he has an issue like the previous status said you will know. If he tells lies you will know. If he tells secrets you will know. But here is the BIG ONE if he LOVES you, then you will know. Help him if you LOVE him too if he “wants” to change for God. Be careful you do not force him to change his personality though for you will then be in Love with an image not him as a person and Child of God as you are! If he doesn’t want to change then Pray for him and leave him be. Communication!!! God Bless!!!

 

[SuperLuigi]

Thank you, that is helpful to hear. I was a little concerned because we had already discussed it a little and it kind of happened again (in different forms) but I am kind of seeing it as something he is working on. I forgot, he also another time avoided telling me something because he didn’t want to “rock the boat”. I have told him that him not telling me things because of how I might react tells me he doesn’t trust me to act as a woman of God and that is offensive. He said he understood, but I do feel scared. I get so scared about lying. I think I am more scared about it than I should be.

I’m listening carefully to what you are saying.

First, you say you talked “a little”. That’s a start, but I think you need to talk some more.

Secondly, it’s pretty clear to me (as a man) that he’s being cautious about the relationship.

If this doesn’t change, what I see happening here are his more or less good intentions of not rocking the boat frustrating you away from him.

I already see some of that in your post here.

As I indicated earlier, I can ask, even plead for women to be patient, but I can’t expect that to last forever.

He needs to understand that him being so cautious is not cute and I know it’s going to drive you further away.

Unfortunately, he needs to hear that and if he were here, that’s what I would tell him.

 

[beloved_1]

I’m listening carefully to what you are saying.

First, you say you talked “a little”. That’s a start, but I think you need to talk some more.

Secondly, it’s pretty clear to me (as a man) that he’s being cautious about the relationship.

If this doesn’t change, what I see happening here are his more or less good intentions of not rocking the boat frustrating you away from him.

I already see some of that in your post here.

As I indicated earlier, I can ask, even plead for women to be patient, but I can’t expect that to last forever.

He needs to understand that him being so cautious is not cute and I know it’s going to drive you further away.

Unfortunately, he needs to hear that and if he were here, that’s what I would tell him.

At this time we have discussed it at length. I know he understands it and he’s working on. I am not asking this to be overly worrisome, I just want to make sure I am not overlooking something. I personally struggle less than the average person with white lies ( I believe), particularly in relationships. If I do lie in a relationship, when I realize it I try and correct myself… even if it makes me look stupid.

I am trying to be patient. I was patient with my last boyfriend for years, patient with his addiction, patient with the lies for a while and I just always want to make sure I am doing what is best. I am strong and I can handle a lot, I just don’t always know if that is what is best. So I want to ask people.

 

[jmcrae]

At this time we have discussed it at length. I know he understands it and he’s working on. I am not asking this to be overly worrisome, I just want to make sure I am not overlooking something. I personally struggle less than the average person with white lies ( I believe), particularly in relationships. If I do lie in a relationship, when I realize it I try and correct myself… even if it makes me look stupid.

I am trying to be patient. I was patient with my last boyfriend for years, patient with his addiction, patient with the lies for a while and I just always want to make sure I am doing what is best. I am strong and I can handle a lot, I just don’t always know if that is what is best. So I want to ask people.

it sounds like both of you have some growing up to do - and it would be beautiful if you grow up together, in friendship, and ultimately become Man and Woman in marriage together.

Become the kind of person who is easy to talk to, and who doesn’t react badly to bad news, and he will find it much easier to be forthcoming with you, and tell you all that is in his heart, without fear of how you might react.

 

[Evania]

How old is he and how long have you two been dating? I recall being young and immature, and telling little white lies when I didn’t feel comfortable with a subject. A lot of that stemmed from insecurity. As the relationship grew and I matured, I felt more comfortable in being myself. I admire you for learning the importance of honesty after your last relationship. You are smart to be concerned and I agree that you shouldn’t settle. I just want to caution against pushing him from revealing more than he’s ready for. Let him save face while emphasizing how important honesty is. It sounds like he’s really trying to be respectful. As he gets more comfortable in the relationship, he’ll open up and feel more free to be himself around you.

 

[beloved_1]

How old is he and how long have you two been dating? I recall being young and immature, and telling little white lies when I didn’t feel comfortable with a subject. A lot of that stemmed from insecurity. As the relationship grew and I matured, I felt more comfortable in being myself. I admire you for learning the importance of honesty after your last relationship. You are smart to be concerned and I agree that you shouldn’t settle. I just want to caution against pushing him from revealing more than he’s ready for. Let him save face while emphasizing how important honesty is. It sounds like he’s really trying to be respectful. As he gets more comfortable in the relationship, he’ll open up and feel more free to be himself around you.

We are both 24. He has very little experience in serious relationships, I have a lot more. We have been dating two months… oh today actually, two months today.

Thank you for being affirming and seeing that I am only doing this with good intentions.

 

[SuperLuigi]

At this time we have discussed it at length. I know he understands it and he’s working on. I am not asking this to be overly worrisome, I just want to make sure I am not overlooking something. I personally struggle less than the average person with white lies ( I believe), particularly in relationships. If I do lie in a relationship, when I realize it I try and correct myself… even if it makes me look stupid.

I am trying to be patient. I was patient with my last boyfriend for years, patient with his addiction, patient with the lies for a while and I just always want to make sure I am doing what is best. I am strong and I can handle a lot, I just don’t always know if that is what is best. So I want to ask people.

I don’t think you’re overlooking anything, and just remember that a certain amount of trust is necessary in any romantic relationship.

If after a certain period of time you cannot trust the person, the relationship isn’t worth it.