I suffer from some SSA; could I have a calling or did I ruin my life?(read OP first!)

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Depressable

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I have not always been Catholic, but I have long felt strongly drawn to the ordained ministry. Actually it’s become my passion, and I can hardly imagine a life where I don’t persue the priesthood. It almost feels like my reason for living (but I use that loosely–I know that only God Himself is that).

The thing is this. Before I was ever even a baptized Christian, from my young to past-midteens, I allowed myself to get drawn into some shameful activities that I won’t specify in detail. It was just curiosity, I think, since I remember being normal at one time, but that made no difference. It left a mark, I think, on my mind. I now suffer occasionally (sometimes often) from Same Sex Attractions, SSA. How badly and how long at a time differs from occasion to occasion.

I still am attracted to the opposite gender, and at the end of any sensible day I know that I would rather have a lasting heterosexual relationship/marriage than a homosexual one. But the attraction to the same gender does come up, and sometimes it’s a constant struggle in which I tell myself “No I’m not like that,” over and over, and I have to fight thoughts and images that come to mind.

In the past, I’ve gone so far as to view very explicit material and personals sites, though it’s been months since it’s gone that far. I haven’t ever involved anyone else personally (not counting looking at the material and personals ads, we never interacted) with my sins of this nature since becoming a Christian. And once when I visited a seminary it actually made me feel better, not worse. I felt like I might just gain the strength to be the kind of man I should be, instead of being tempted by being surrounded by men (as is one argument against letting men with SSA go to Seminary).

I also struggle a lot with masturbation, and often when I haven’t struggled with SSA I still have struggled with heterosexual lust. But I still think it’s all tied to the same deeds I committed in my younger days. It’s like when I give in to heterosexual lust, I am overcompesating for my SSA, trying to prove I’m over it (even though I really do have heterosexual feelings alongside it).

Everyone I have talked to and with all the considerations for me being a priest (I have taken some steps, but the subject of SSA has never come up) have considered me to be a GREAT candidate for being a priest, so I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that, if not for my bad past and the scar it left I could be a good Priest. That makes it even harder for me because I feel like I have cheated myself forever if this means I should not be a priest.

Incidentally, I know that I have to overcome this before I go to seminary, at least I have to never let it express itself (not look at bad websites or go to personals, which I have not in months, though I came close recently). I have yet to be a confirmed Catholic (but since I have always felt the calling, it makes things clearer as far as what I want to do), and it does seem like knowing it is wrong for a fact and having the Church Teaching will help (being a Protestant, I was tempted to believe the liberal wing sometimes, and though I didn’t believe them inside it made it harder to resist temptation at times). Still, at this point I am where I’ve described on this struggle. It has been a while since I have done anything more than briefly…imagined things…and even then, I try to fight it, and in most cases I do.

Part of me does not want to be a priest, but again, it is ONLY because of my past. I know beyond the shadow of a single weak doubt that I would want to be a priest without question if I didn’t have my past. The only reason I have doubts is because I am afraid that I could have my past and my SSA exposed to the shame of the Church (not because I would act on it, but just because someone would somehow find out). I feel like it would be so hard to bear the shame, knowing I was supposed to be a good example to the people. Especially since I would have no family to love me in spite of my shame. So, basically, if not for my past and resulting SSA, EVERYTHING would be in line for me to be a priest, mentally, externally, all of that. It feels so unfair, but I know it’s all my fault.

So what do you think? Did I condemn myself to a life deprived of what I KNOW would’ve been my calling otherwise? I just feel like my life will lose so much meaning if I give up.
I will blame myself forever, I KNOW I will, because I KNOW that I would be a priest, without question, if not for this problem. I know I would, and I know that no one in the whole world would question it. So if it doesn’t work out, I messed up my chance to be a priest, and I messed up my life. There is no use questioning that, and I will never forget the permanent harm I have done to my happiness and ability to serve God in this way that I feel so strongly drawn to.

So what should I do? I need advice, and I would especially appreciate (name removed by moderator)ut if anyone has ever remotely been in my shoes. I know this is too overwhelming to be a proper first post, but it has bothered me for a long time.
 
Oh, and if you think the answer is that I can’t be a priest, please, if there is any advice you can think of, no matter how difficult or reaching, that might make me becoming a priest a legitimate, alright choice (such as something that might help me completely overcome SSA 100%), tell me! I really don’t want to think I’ve ruined it all forever, with no hope. 😦
 
Hmm… it sounds to me that God is calling you. Perhaps someone else knows of a priest who suffered the same situation. I would not at all think you can’t be a priest. With God, you can do anything. God doesn’t toy with people, if you want to be a priest that badly, he will give you the grace. Psalm 143 may be very meaningful to you, you should read it.

Graces come about through the Sacraments. Confession, Confirmation (You need to be in the state of grace for Confirmation)… Another thing is, try going to Adoration; spend some time in front of the living God.
 
Firefox said:
Hmm… it sounds to me that God is calling you. Perhaps someone else knows of a priest who suffered the same situation. I would not at all think you can’t be a priest. With God, you can do anything. God doesn’t toy with people, if you want to be a priest that badly, he will give you the grace. Psalm 143 may be very meaningful to you, you should read it.

Graces come about through the Sacraments. Confession, Confirmation (You need to be in the state of grace for Confirmation)… Another thing is, try going to Adoration; spend some time in front of the living God.
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Thank you very much for this, Firefox. It may only the first response, but it is such a comfort to hear that even one person reflecting on my situation could think there’s nothing here that should mean I cannot be a priest. I read that Psalm, and it was very helpful. I plan to take full advantage of confession - I’d go daily if I could - once I’ve made my first confession and have been confirmed. I don’t know if any parishes near me have actual Adoration though, at least not regularly set up.

I really pray you’re right, that I can be a priest. And if so, I hope I won’t let what I’ve put myself through cause me to lack the courage I’ll need.
 
You might have a calling, but not many in the forums are equipped spiritual directors. I have my opinion, but I don’t want to be the blind guy leading the blind. So I’d say the best place to start is with a good spiritual director. Find a solid priest and explain to him your situation. If you have not already done so, read Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church on the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons. Whatever your calling, don’t allow yourself to fear. You’re in the hands of God.
 
I second the motion to find a good spiritual advisor to assist you in your faith formation, especially since you feel called to the priesthood. I would not advise keeping what you have told us a secret from him, no matter how shameful you feel. He will not be able to advise you properly if he is in ignorance of some of your most difficult struggles.

I also suggest that you ask for Mary’s aid in overcoming your sexual lusts, both heterosexual and SSA. Ask her, as Mary, Queen of Angels, to send her angels to protect you and defend you from the evil which turns your mind and influences your body in ways that you do not want. Remember that we have Heavenly assistance to help us to overcome our sinful natures. We don’t have to rely solely on our own resources.

Pray the Memorare:
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that any one who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession, was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, we fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother, to thee do we come, before thee we stand, sinful and sorrowful; O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy clemency, hear and answer me. Amen.
 
That’s a beautiful prayer, Linda Marie.

Thanks, both of you. But I wonder where I can find a spiritual advisor? I haven’t found one at all yet, and I don’t know how to go about it. Do I just ask someone? How would I find someone I can actually trust with this situation? There aren’t many people that I could see myself trusting with this, especially someone I respect enough to guide me spiritually, for fear of scaring them away by admitting to this.

I’m just not really sure how to find a spiritual advisor. Incense Baby, was the suggestion to find a priest the same thing as a spiritual director, or not? I worry that telling the priests I know, who seem to like me and think I’ll prove a solid Catholic, might drive them to feel awkward around me or change everything for the worst. In fact, I plan to make my first confession to a priest I don’t know at all, from behind a screen. Has anyone ever heard of that happening, someone pushing the priest away? They’re human, after all.
 
The thing is this. Before I was ever even a baptized Christian, from my young to past-midteens, I allowed myself to get drawn into some shameful activities that I won’t specify in detail. It was just curiosity, I think, since I remember being normal at one time, but that made no difference. It left a mark, I think, on my mind. I now suffer occasionally (sometimes often) from Same Sex Attractions, SSA. How badly and how long at a time differs from occasion to occasion.
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Dear friend,
This paragraph is very powerful because it speaks to the issue of how profound an impression sexual behavior in adolescence can make. As a youngin’, I too had “experiences” that were most definately sinful and crossed lines between heterosexual and homosexual behaviors. These experience, so powerful when we are just awakening sexually, leave indelible marks on us. While I left behind some of these behaviors in my late teens, I picked them up again with a vengence in my twenties and was strongly attracted to both genders. It can be so terribly confusing because it is hard to discern what is driving these attractions that were “inflamed” in childhood. But I can tell you that now, 25 years later, all of this confusion and turmoil is GONE, GONE, GONE. I understand now that, while I may sometimes have, what I call “flashes” of “dirty pictures” that intrude on my thoughts, I am not guilty of doing anything sinful. It is like a movie that one sees in their childhood that left a huge impression: scenes from the movie come back into our memories long into adulthood. Unfortunately, by the very poor choices I made long ago, I still have these “imprints” in my memory and they may “flash” in my mind’s eye on rare occassions. It might be images of the same or opposite sex - it’s irrelevent. What matters is what I do with these images. I shut 'em down and pray. And remember that the Lord, in His brilliant mercy, has forgiven me. I must do the same.
 
anyone discerning a vocation should be under spiritual direction, with some specific guidance on the hallmarks for recognizing the call. One of the major signs, and it should come first, is a growing awareness of the growth in the virtue of chastity and of the charism of celibacy. The charism is supposed to precede the call to either priesthood or religious life. You need the guidance of a confessor and spiritual director on this matter, discussion in a forum is not the place to get it. The classic path of the saints who struggled with sexual and other sin, and many had monumental struggles on the way to holiness, is resort to the proven spiritual means, the sacraments, prayer and fasting, penance and mortification.

It should go without saying that no one is a candidate for priesthood or admission to a seminary who has not completed full mature integration and development of the personality and resolved the problems of adolescence, and dealt with in a healthy way the aftermath of harmful childhood and youth experiences. The seminary is not the venue for this healing and psychological growth which must be established and rooted long before admission to a program of preparation for the priesthood or novitiate in a religious order.

spirtitual direction demands honesty or it has no benefit.
 
Depressable said:
That’s a beautiful prayer, Linda Marie.

Thanks, both of you. But I wonder where I can find a spiritual advisor? I haven’t found one at all yet, and I don’t know how to go about it. Do I just ask someone? How would I find someone I can actually trust with this situation? There aren’t many people that I could see myself trusting with this, especially someone I respect enough to guide me spiritually, for fear of scaring them away by admitting to this.

I’m just not really sure how to find a spiritual advisor. Incense Baby, was the suggestion to find a priest the same thing as a spiritual director, or not? I worry that telling the priests I know, who seem to like me and think I’ll prove a solid Catholic, might drive them to feel awkward around me or change everything for the worst. In fact, I plan to make my first confession to a priest I don’t know at all, from behind a screen. Has anyone ever heard of that happening, someone pushing the priest away? They’re human, after all.
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Usually spiritual directors are confessors (priests). Not always. But they’re someone you hold yourself accountable to on a regular basis. If at all possible, go to confession weekly. You won’t stray for long knowing that it’s the same priest you have to see every week. He doesn’t have to be a priest you know, but you need to hold yourself accountable to him. Finding the right one is the trick. If the priest simply absolves you, without making a real effort to help you, or if he tries convincing you you really didn’t have any sins to confess, find another. Basically, you just want a priest who is humble and faithful. You want a priest who directs your thoughts to Christ, rather than himself, especially during mass. Irreverent priests draw attention to themselves rather than to Christ, especially in the Eucharist.

I’ll submit to you my personal opinion (still, find an actual spiritual director). A priest is someone who would die to be a priest. If you are willing to die to be a priest, by all means pursue it. Still, if you have a sexual addiction, you should wait probably a year or so and see if you can conquer it. The priesthood is not something you try out. Masterbation is mortal sin. (That does not mean you automatically go to hell for doing it. When there is an addiction there is not full consent of the will. There is regret even in the act). Anyways, just be open to your confessor. I hope you will overcome your temptations and make it to the priesthood if that is what you want more than anything. God bless
 
Dear Depressable,

I second what others have written about the spiritual director. That’s really the starting point. Maybe you can find one in a solid religious order? If you have Opus Dei around your place go for it - their priests are simply excellent. (My own confessor is an Opus Dei priest - I’m not a member of OD myself.)

As for your sexual addiction:
Talk about it with your priest; you don’t have to go into the details, only give him a general impression about how addicted you are and what you struggle with the most.

As to masturbation:
If you feel tempted:
#1: Put your hands as far away as you can (behind your neck or on the top of your head or whatever 😉 );
#2: Turn to Christ, the Blessed Virgin, the Holy Spirit and implore them to purify your thoughts and heart. If I’m tempted, I always say a prayer along these lines: “My Lord Jesus Christ, my body and soul are yours. Dear Lord, please purify my mind and my heart. I only love you. Amen.” That’s usually extremely effective.
#3: Develop a devotion to St Maria Goretti and/or St Agnes, patronesses of virginity and purity. But especially devote yourself to Our Lady. (“O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us sinners who have recourse to thee” is also a very effective prayer.)
 
Curiosity about the same sex is common among teenagers and young adults because of hormones. That kind of homosexuality usually goes away. Church documents address the issue- you should be sure it’s resolved before you try to join a religious community or go to a seminary. This really is something only your confessor can help you with- but don’t be discouraged. There are other men out there who have dealt with this problem and have gone on to become wonderful priests and religious.
 
puzzleannie said:
It should go without saying that no one is a candidate for priesthood or admission to a seminary who has not completed full mature integration and development of the personality and resolved the problems of adolescence, and dealt with in a healthy way the aftermath of harmful childhood and youth experiences. The seminary is not the venue for this healing and psychological growth which must be established and rooted long before admission to a program of preparation for the priesthood or novitiate in a religious order.
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This cannot be stressed enough. What Puzzleannie says about “full mature integration and development of the personality…” is bang on the dot. Get confirmed, receive the sacraments, and get that spiritual director.

As for your past, don’t allow it to be an excuse for not being faithful now. As a sinner myself (and my past is uuuuuugly, let me tell you) I now how easy it is to keep saying “well, because of my past…” Yes, there are certainly consequences to sin, but I can’t excuse current sin based on the past. In other words, I have to accept God’s forgiveness and cleaning of my soul if I want to follow His will and fulfill the purpose for which He created me.

Get your inner life solid and strong. You’ll have to accept forgiveness, accept responsibility, and decide which is more important – your past or your future. Pray, pray, pray. Whatever God’s plan for you, you need to do these things.

Many blessings, and many prayers.:gopray:

Gertie
 
I imagine a majority of people going through the wacky teenage years get some attraction to the same sex. It is a completely different kettle of fish from adult, mature SSA, which is a very difficult cross for any Catholic to carry.

My advice: Remember that things will change. Pray. Speak to a spiritual director. Confess to a priest. Contact the Vocations Director of the diocese/ order you are discerning for and ask for some material, or if you feel up to it, a meeting. Tell him what you have told us.

You are in my prayers.
 
Perhaps the best action you could take right now would be to contact the ministry
Courage
which reaches out to Catholics with SSA and supports them in leading chaste lives according to their station in life and in accordance with the Church’s teachings on homosexuality. An experienced Courage chaplain would have excellent resources for all the issues and struggles that you mention, including vocations.
 
Depressable,

First things first. Go through the RCIA Program, go to confession. In confession speak specifically with the priest about what you are struggling with. -----------> THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHAME AND GUILT! You should not feel shame…do not allow yourself you feel this way. It is a tool of the evil one.

After this please talk to your local vocations director. Be honest with him. Let him know what you are struggling with. Ask him if he feels you are qualified. Ultimately, if you go into formation you will take a psychological test where the issues you described should be brought out. The tester will make reccommendations for the Bishop, who ultimately makes the decision.

Men with SSA can become priests and brothers, women with SSA can become nuns.

Sure there will be some blowhards who will say otherwise, and there are different levels of SSA. However, there are many priest who have come to terms with SSA and from what I’ve read in Timothy Dolans book Priest for the 3rd Millenium, which I suggest you read, have lead very holy lives.

Good luck, my prayers are with you. 👍

Ultimately, in my opinion, you will never be happy until you confess what is on your mind, and you owe it to the people you will be administering to if you become a priest.
 
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