I think I might be in love? Please help

[E_7]

Edit: “so naive…”

 

[JustinK]

I’m 24 and married, 4 months later I conceived a child. My husband and I met online right here on CAF and took it elsewhere (Google Hangouts). Because we were very far from each other, we got to know each other more in a short time. When you are physically together almost always, you get more physical and talk less compared to when you are apart (long-distanced) and you got nothing else to do but to dialog.

In total, I had two romantic relationships, and both were long-distance. My first relationship was kinda wrong or inappropriate (the reason I joined CAF if you read my firsts posts). Now that I think back, I think it was all a lie and play from his part, and I was no naive and “innocent”. But I consider my husband my first boyfriend because I met him in person, we wrote to each other, we talked on the phone unlike the other guy. My husband took away my first kiss (or I let him take it, xD). I never wanted to date anyone before that, because I believed that it was a bother, I would only date looking towards marriage (also known as courting).

Regarding the part of your post I put on bold, I believe you should go for it. Help each other to remain chaste, and you will know what it is to live a God-centered relationship by respecting God over her.

Yea, I mean we’ve only met a few times. But I prefer it to online and calling because I can actually hold her hand or kiss her or what have you. It’s more comforting in a way, to me at least. We had trouble talking about things for a year or two. Just unsure of what to say. Getting better with it, though.

I like to consider her my first relationship. I have had numerous infatuations over the years. It’s… a long story. Basically I fell in love (or what I thought was love) really, really quickly. But we’ve talked for like four years now and I know she’s always there. I haven’t had any real super deep discussions with her yet, but her company was enough when I visited.

We both can be a little clingy in our own way. And we have some things in common. The biggest thing is that she’s not really religious. But, that’s another long, long story with me. I understand the meaning of a religious relationship, but I’m kind of just ready for any relationship. Just to see what it’s like. I have my boundaries with a few things and she knows this.

It’s just been a super confusing time. Like tonight at work, all I could think of was calling her and expressing myself to her. Just spilling everything. Not the wisest thought, but it’s one of the more confusing, fleeting thoughts I have the drift away fast. I’ve been talking about this to my coworkers for a few weeks. One asked me if I liked her and I just paused. I honestly wasn’t sure. I have so many mixed feelings. What makes it harder is that any advice I get mixes me up a bit, too. Everyone has their own way of thinking and ultimately it is up to me to make a decision. But I’ve never been good at decision making so it can be scary. I just feel like I’m running out of time to decide certain things in my life and this is at the the forefront of my mind right now, so this feels like a really important decision.

I am also trying to understand why I still want to be with her after I got hurt by her. Maybe I’m jealous? She didn’t mean to hurt me at all. She doesn’t know my feelings. I’m not quite sure how to express them because I’m always so mixed up and I feel like how she felt with me a few years ago. She was tired of waiting around and chose to just love me as a friend. I more than understand this. But with recent events, it has stirred some type of emotion within me. It’s not infatuation. It’s more of like we’re meant to be together in some way. I also don’t understand why she wants to talk and fall to sleep with me when she has her boyfriend and he’s even in the same area as her. That’s her, though. She’s always told me I help her fall asleep fast and it comforts her.

I’ve decided it is going to come down to telling her my feelings and laying it on the line, it’s just hard because I don’t want to come off as selfish for wanting to be happy with her or trying to mess up her current relationship. I don’t want to start dating her and realize I actually don’t like her. That wouldn’t be fair. I don’t think telling her that ‘I kind of like you maybe’ would be fair either, as she has put up with that since day one. She’s also spoke of telling her boyfriend about me. Like all about me. And I’m not sure how I feel about that but it’s ultimately out of my control. Besides, she has a right to be honest with him I suppose.

But I see my friends and family dating people to find out who the other person is. I used to think it would be forever. Like, my first person I dated would be the one I marry. But that’s because of how attached I got to people. I could see myself enjoying my time with her, but if she’s not the one, she’s not the one. I feel bad for saying that. Like, part of me wants to be with her and part of me just wants to find someone else. Maybe I’m just afraid to commit. Maybe this will be a good ‘trial’? Is that horrible to say? I just want to get to know her more and maybe we can each benefit from it.

But like I said, my next step is telling all of this to her. I just have to figure out a way to do it delicately. I don’t want to hurt her. All I know for sure is that she hurt me really bad without knowing it, I still want to be with her, and the longer I wait to have a talk, the more of a chance I’ll miss out n the potential of something amazing.

-Sorry about the long post, I tend to get a little wordy when I let my mind go. Thank you for the reply and support. I appreciate it.

 

[E_7]

Yea, I mean we’ve only met a few times. But I prefer it to online and calling because I can actually hold her hand or kiss her or what have you. It’s more comforting in a way, to me at least. We had trouble talking about things for a year or two. Just unsure of what to say. Getting better with it, though.

I like to consider her my first relationship. I have had numerous infatuations over the years. It’s… a long story. Basically I fell in love (or what I thought was love) really, really quickly. But we’ve talked for like four years now and I know she’s always there. I haven’t had any real super deep discussions with her yet, but her company was enough when I visited.

We both can be a little clingy in our own way. And we have some things in common. The biggest thing is that she’s not really religious. But, that’s another long, long story with me. I understand the meaning of a religious relationship, but I’m kind of just ready for any relationship. Just to see what it’s like. I have my boundaries with a few things and she knows this.

It’s just been a super confusing time. Like tonight at work, all I could think of was calling her and expressing myself to her. Just spilling everything. Not the wisest thought, but it’s one of the more confusing, fleeting thoughts I have the drift away fast. I’ve been talking about this to my coworkers for a few weeks. One asked me if I liked her and I just paused. I honestly wasn’t sure. I have so many mixed feelings. What makes it harder is that any advice I get mixes me up a bit, too. Everyone has their own way of thinking and ultimately it is up to me to make a decision. But I’ve never been good at decision making so it can be scary. I just feel like I’m running out of time to decide certain things in my life and this is at the the forefront of my mind right now, so this feels like a really important decision.

I am also trying to understand why I still want to be with her after I got hurt by her. Maybe I’m jealous? She didn’t mean to hurt me at all. She doesn’t know my feelings. I’m not quite sure how to express them because I’m always so mixed up and I feel like how she felt with me a few years ago. She was tired of waiting around and chose to just love me as a friend. I more than understand this. But with recent events, it has stirred some type of emotion within me. It’s not infatuation. It’s more of like we’re meant to be together in some way. I also don’t understand why she wants to talk and fall to sleep with me when she has her boyfriend and he’s even in the same area as her. That’s her, though. She’s always told me I help her fall asleep fast and it comforts her.

I’ve decided it is going to come down to telling her my feelings and laying it on the line, it’s just hard because I don’t want to come off as selfish for wanting to be happy with her or trying to mess up her current relationship. I don’t want to start dating her and realize I actually don’t like her. That wouldn’t be fair. I don’t think telling her that ‘I kind of like you maybe’ would be fair either, as she has put up with that since day one. She’s also spoke of telling her boyfriend about me. Like all about me. And I’m not sure how I feel about that but it’s ultimately out of my control. Besides, she has a right to be honest with him I suppose.

But I see my friends and family dating people to find out who the other person is. I used to think it would be forever. Like, my first person I dated would be the one I marry. But that’s because of how attached I got to people. I could see myself enjoying my time with her, but if she’s not the one, she’s not the one. I feel bad for saying that. Like, part of me wants to be with her and part of me just wants to find someone else. Maybe I’m just afraid to commit. Maybe this will be a good ‘trial’? Is that horrible to say? I just want to get to know her more and maybe we can each benefit from it.

But like I said, my next step is telling all of this to her. I just have to figure out a way to do it delicately. I don’t want to hurt her. All I know for sure is that she hurt me really bad without knowing it, I still want to be with her, and the longer I wait to have a talk, the more of a chance I’ll miss out n the potential of something amazing.

-Sorry about the long post, I tend to get a little wordy when I let my mind go. Thank you for the reply and support. I appreciate it.

I like to read, especially love stories, so do not feel sorry!

If in the end you finally decide to pursue a romantic relationship with a special girl, you must be prepared to be hurt. Do not be scared by the fact that you might get hurt, not once, but many times. But not as much as being happy. There are guys that just date until things get complicated and they end it, because of lack of manliness and because they are scared of getting hurt. Be prepared. Love hurts, see the Cross (no better example of love than that!). Love is sacrificial, love is a decision, an act that comes from your will. Love is not a feeling, being in love is. You have to be prepared.

For what is worth, I recommend the following books:
Be a Man! by Father Larry Richards (Catholic)
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris (protestant)
Girl Meets Boy: Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris (protestant)
Sex is Not the Problem, Lust is by Joshua Harris (protestant)

Best wishes!

 

[PolarGuy]

OP, I’ve read your posts and I admit I have some real issues with what you’re doing.

I’m sorry If this comes across as harsh, but you have repeatedly admitted that you are pursuing this young lady despite not really having any strong feelings for her. Instead, you wrote that you are most interested in the trappings of a relationship, as opposed to her herself. I’m sorry, I have a massive problem with that: I think that’s using someone else. The fact that she does not appear to have the same value system as you just fuels that belief.

For that matter I have issues with something she did, namely, share - very early on - something she did with her boyfriend that hurt you a lot? - I find that needlessly cruel on her part.

Based on what you’ve written, I think you like this lady less than you like the idea of finding a girlfriend, and this young lady (i suspect) is “interested” because you seem like you haven’t asked anything of her. I’m not so sure she isn’t using you to a great extent!

I don’t think either of you has any business pursuing this.

My 0.02$

 

[JustinK]

I like to read, especially love stories, so do not feel sorry!

If in the end you finally decide to pursue a romantic relationship with a special girl, you must be prepared to be hurt. Do not be scared by the fact that you might get hurt, not once, but many times. But not as much as being happy. There are guys that just date until things get complicated and they end it, because of lack of manliness and because they are scared of getting hurt. Be prepared. Love hurts, see the Cross (no better example of love than that!). Love is sacrificial, love is a decision, an act that comes from your will. Love is not a feeling, being in love is. You have to be prepared.

For what is worth, I recommend the following books:
Be a Man! by Father Larry Richards (Catholic)
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris (protestant)
Girl Meets Boy: Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris (protestant)
Sex is Not the Problem, Lust is by Joshua Harris (protestant)

Best wishes!

I agree. I think being hurt by something is good to an extent because it forces you to consider a perspective you might not have otherwise considered. I’m finding out the benefits of sacrifice slowly but surely.

I can tell lust is a rather big problem in any relationship. Especially being a guy. But current event have forced me to try to see her not in a lustful way, but in a loving way. The type that I would sacrifice even being hurt for her. I feel like that has to be something special.

Thanks for your reply.

 

[JustinK]

OP, I’ve read your posts and I admit I have some real issues with what you’re doing.

I’m sorry If this comes across as harsh, but you have repeatedly admitted that you are pursuing this young lady despite not really having any strong feelings for her. Instead, you wrote that you are most interested in the trappings of a relationship, as opposed to her herself. I’m sorry, I have a massive problem with that: I think that’s using someone else. The fact that she does not appear to have the same value system as you just fuels that belief.

For that matter I have issues with something she did, namely, share - very early on - something she did with her boyfriend that hurt you a lot? - I find that needlessly cruel on her part.

Based on what you’ve written, I think you like this lady less than you like the idea of finding a girlfriend, and this young lady (i suspect) is “interested” because you seem like you haven’t asked anything of her. I’m not so sure she isn’t using you to a great extent!

I don’t think either of you has any business pursuing this.

My 0.02$

I couldn’t agree more. I’ve always been one to become easily infatuated and I think it has been, more often than not, with the idea of a relationship. In my early years, I would get infatuated super easily and I really think I was attached to just that, the idea of a relationship. I have somewhat come to terms with this and am working to see things differently. The reason I was trying to pursue anything was to try and find out if we had anything to pursue.

I’m by far not the best at committing. I realize this. It tends to mess with a lot of things in my life. I guess when I got hurt, it made me realize part of me still truly cares about her. I know that’s silly to say, but like I said, getting hurt has a way of reshaping perspective. It made me realize that perhaps I’m not just looking for any relationship, but a relationship with her.

We’ve been talking for awhile. We’re kind of companions to each other in a way. I guess I tend to hold any relationship I have with someone in high regard, as I have trouble making friends. I have fond memories of being with her and not just the idea of her. I’ve had times where I was more into the idea of someone, I admit. But this just feels different, and a big part of me feels like I should take some sort of leap of faith. As far as belief systems go, I don’t think anybody will ever have the same belief system as I do. I tend to overthink my beliefs to the point where I trap myself and it feels like there’s no way out. And my mind tells me this is good. That’s another story, though.

It’s hard seeing friends and family ask when I’m going to start dating, too. It’s not like I don’t want to. It’s just a bit of a struggle for me, as you are getting to know rather quickly. I’m not saying they’re to blame for anything, but it’s definitely an influencing factor in my own life.

As for what she shared, I guess that was her way of being honest with me. But still, yea it was kind of needless. I didn’t need to know that.

I realized something else last night for the first time and I felt so stupid for not seeing it. It also hurt.

Maybe she is just an idea in my head. A friend is currently talking to me about the situation, also. I’m all sorts of mixed up. Maybe I just want to be with her because she’ what I know. See? Change in perspective.

She probably does use me and I just haven’t seen it. I just always saw it as talking. I saw it as us being there for each other. But now I’m seeing it as me being there for her when her boyfriend doesn’t give her attention. And that, I see now, is not good.

Maybe I should just take a break from her. I didn’t want to leave her because I didn’t want to be rude. I mean, she deserves friendship and love, too. I also couldn’t stand the thought of four years going down the drain and leaving an important piece of myself behind.

In any case, thank you for your response. It has helped me see some things in a different light. I certainly have a lot more to think about now. Your 0.02$ was invaluable to me in my time of confusion.

 

[JustinK]

We talked for a little bit for the first time in a few days. It was nice. But now I am sad. Lately, I’ve been seeing things that I have previously missed. Like how she commits to her boyfriend. I know she really must love him and I guess it hurts a little that it could have been me. (It could still be if I actually spoke up to her about what I’m feeling). But I don’t want to ruin hr happiness.

She’s noticed that I’m more distant recently, but I didn’t tell her the reason yet. She missed me talking to her, but I have slowed down with it to give her some space and me time to think about things.

I’ve been thinking about being in love with her or the idea of being in love, and I’ve come to some conclusions. Here is what I love about her:

She’s strong-willed. She’s currently helping to take care of her sister’s baby while going to work full-time.

She’s incredibly kind even if it comes off as a bit crass. I’ve realized she says things in a joking manner, as she always has. It’s kind of like calling your friend a name in fun, but you care about them and they know it.

She likes to have fun and laugh. (Something I could take a lesson or two in. I tend to over complicate a lot of things in my life, so I find this to be an admirable quality.)

She loves her family. She’s been thinking about moving for some time now but she doesn’t want to leave her family and friends. It’s a big step for her, like anyone.

She can be a bit sassy at times. That’s just a character trait that she’s always had and it makes talking to her interesting.

She loves to read. Her favorite series is Harry Potter and she has a tattoo on her wrist that symbolizes always loving someone through thick and thin.

She makes me feel able to be myself.

She makes me laugh.

It feels weird validating abstract feelings with something more concrete, but I think it’s good to get me to focus on her as a person rather than an idea. It makes me want to get to her better, now.

We were just in a call and she said something that also changed my thinking. She told me that the next time I see her is going to suck because she can’t kiss me. This made me feel like part of her still cares about me, too. But she’s being loyal to her boyfriend, so I respect that and while it’ll be hard, I feel like I can control myself with it. She told me how things are different now. She said it with a hint of sadness. I just agreed.

I kind of opened up a little and told her that she was my first kiss. She didn’t know that. We started talking about our past visits and I just kept naming memories that we shared together. It was rather melancholy, but it also made me smile. It made me realize how much fun we had together and how I miss just being in her presence. I should have said more of my feelings in that moment, but I’ve been waiting for a better chance to talk.

I think I might just not tell her and leave her be. I don’t want to confuse or hurt her anymore than I have. But part of me tells me that I should tell her because she deserves to know.

It’s funny how you take someone for granted so easily until you lose them.

I don’t know if I’m jealous, or mad, or sad.

I just had to get some thoughts out to anyone who wants to read them. I’m sure there will be many more things to say in the coming weeks.

Anyway, I’m on my way to Christmas Mass then wrapping gifts before bed. Going to be a long day tomorrow, but it will be good to see family.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

 

[JustinK]

A long time ago, a friend told me to tell her my feelings before she makes a permanent change. It feels as though things are slowly becoming more and more permanent.

It hurts. I wrote some things out.

But something I haven’t done through all of this was pray.

So I did.

I prayed for her to be happy. Even if it was with another person.

I have to admit, I’m a little jealous of him. But it’s nobody’s fault but my own.

Please pray for my jealousy to subside. It’s not helping anything.

I wish I felt these feelings years ago, it’s funny how it takes an event like this to finally come to terms with how you feel.

The priest last night talked about forgiving someone who has hurt you. The thing is, she doesn’t even know she hurt me. So, it’s strange.

It’s almost like I have to forgive myself for hurting myself. I’m the one who overthinks and makes things far too complicated. I’m the one that’s been confused as to why I have been holding on to something that left years ago.

She made a decision long ago that she was done hurting over me. That was three years ago. I’m just now catching up.

I don’t even know if it’s even love or if I made the biggest mistake of my life so far. This is the reason I have been wanting to actually see her and tell her my feelings in person. I just know it hurts.

And I think what really hurts is the fact I can’t tell her any of this. I don’t want to ruin any chance of happiness she can have. It just feels like we were meant to be. I don’t know why, it just does. And I know she felt it too, once. Like I said, I’m late for that.

Someone tells me I should talk to her and get this all off my chest. But I don’t know how. Part of me just feels like a break from her would be better. But even then, what do I give as a reason for a break? Maybe that will cause her to focus on her boyfriend only. Maybe that’s what will help her be happy. Maybe she’ll come back one day and we can try something then. But I feel like I should tell her my feelings and then take a break. Because then she’d have time to think or whatever and her coming back would mean something more then.

I don’t know why I’m trying so hard for something that isn’t there. But it’s only not there because I haven’t talked about it. Because when she told me she liked me, I was afraid of committing. Because we had only been talking a week and everything before her was heartbreak from random infatuations. I guess part of me wanted to take things slow. And I know… four years. But things have happened. Visits and memories and such. I guess part of me thought that meant something more. Even she told me at her first visit, ‘Who does this? Who meets a person hours away like this?’ So I thought it had to have been something.

Maybe this is what people mean when they say, ‘If you love something, let it go.’ The thing is, that’s usually the entirety of the phrase that people hear. The rest is, ‘If they come back, it was meant to be. If they don’t, it never was.’ It’s funny how there’s a lot of interpretations of that quote. One that caught my eye was, 'If you love someone and want them to be happy, let them go. If they truly love you, they will find a way back to you.

I think that would truly be the best way to go about this. Because I’ve always been like that with my infatuations. The difference is that I never had a chance to tell them how I truly felt. And now I do.

Whatever happens will not happen until I put my words into action, I just pray I have the strength to do that when the time comes.

I apologize again for making this into a long post. It just helps me to get my thoughts out. And maybe somebody can benefit from them, also. Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it. I hope everyone has a blessed and Merry Christmas filled with family and fun.