I think I'M abusive

  • Thread starter Thread starter blue_skies_1
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
B

blue_skies_1

Guest
Hi everyone,

I would really appreciate some help. This is quite a difficult thing to say even anonymously but I think I’m quite an abusive person. At least, I can be. For instance I recently broke up with my boyfriend, which I think was the right thing to do but I was just reading through a whole load of text messages I sent him over the past couple of months (my phone saves them all) and it hit me: I was SO horrible to him.

And after realising that I started crying & I haven’t stopped 😦 . I feel so remorseful. He was NEVER horrible to me, he was such a gentle soul & I could be so pushy, demanding, unkind in the things I said & all-round abusive. I am SO ashamed. I don’t want to be this person but it’s like it’s just inside me… this angry, not very nice person. I can say such spiteful things, be SO selfish & I have a tendency to try to force getting my own way & having things in my own timing. I even hit him once or twice (I know how awful that is, just because I’m a woman doesn’t make it better).

Please, I’m praying about this… are there any good prayers, saints I could pray to, anything that would help me to stop being like this? I’m so scared that if I get too close to someone again I’ll end up hurting them, and hating myself. Is the best thing for me to stay single? I really really do have a problem with being like this, not exaggerating. I do have quite bad anxiety issues too which I’m hopefully getting some help with but that so, so doesn’t excuse my behaviour :(. I don’t even know where it comes from.

Please help…
 
Try praying the Rosary daily, if you don’t already; after starting to pray the Rosary again daily, I’ve found that I have more patience and it is harder for me to become frustrated and angry. I think St Anne is patroness of single women (“Saint Anne, Saint Anne, send me a man”), and it may also be worthwhile to pray for vocations in case God is calling you to the religious life.

Our society unfortunately emphasizes the idea that success is defined by whether someone is in a relationship with another person. No thought of whether a person is mature enough, emotionally ready, or otherwise free to make such a commitment is given. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse is the ultimate instant gratification and our society teaches that happiness requires instant gratification.
 
To the O.P. Jesus is our model of self-control. Even when He “cleansed” the temple, He was purposeful and in control.
 
blue_skies, the first step in overcoming any bad habit or problem is to recognize you have it and that you want, or need, to change. You have done exactly that here and that is very good.

Now comes the time for some self reflection about how you can stop yourself in the future. Learn what your triggers and buttons are and how to make them less sensitive.

While you are doing this, be careful that you do not go too far. Oftentimes people can start by trying to better themselves and end up blaming themselves for everything. Accept what you did and do not apologize for something someone else did.

Consider going on a short private retreat at a Catholic retreat house. That can give you time to begin this very involved task of changing yourself.

May God bless you and may He grant you His peace.
 
I find that in making a conscious effort to do something, sooner or later it becomes a habit. Be conscious of your behavior and i’d be willing to bet your behavior changes over time.
 
Larowyn said:
Try praying the Rosary daily, if you don’t already; after starting to pray the Rosary again daily, I’ve found that I have more patience and it is harder for me to become frustrated and angry. I think St Anne is patroness of single women (“Saint Anne, Saint Anne, send me a man”), and it may also be worthwhile to pray for vocations in case God is calling you to the religious life.

Our society unfortunately emphasizes the idea that success is defined by whether someone is in a relationship with another person. No thought of whether a person is mature enough, emotionally ready, or otherwise free to make such a commitment is given. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse is the ultimate instant gratification and our society teaches that happiness requires instant gratification.
Click to expand...
Thank you Larowyn, the Rosary is a wonderful gift… recently I’ve got into the habit of praying it more regularly too & I actually think it may have something to do with what I’m now realising about myself.

And I know what you mean about instant gratification… it’s awful but when I look at my behaviour, and motives, I can see that a lot of the time in a relationship it is ALL about me & my feelings, what I want, and also enjoying the levels of attention that you get when you’re in a relationship. And I know that’s not real love but at times that’s what I’m like 😦
 
Blue Skies, self recognition is 75% of the problem. Once you get over the hurdle of identifying the problem, you’re on your way to changing behavior and making improvements. Congratulations! 👍

This relationship was not a waste if it led to self discovery.

Would it help if you carefully edited what you wrote to us and sent it to your ex BF as an apology and let him know you were sorry you hurt him and wish him well and tell him that you take the blame? Not as a way to reel him back in, but as a way to set yourself both free and bind some wounds. If you were as mean as you say, he must have some wounds from the darts you threw. You can remove those.

That might help him move on too and help you feel less guilty.

It’s like a social examination of conscience, and admission of faults, confession of them, sorrow for them and willingness to make amends.

Maybe hearing his forgiveness someday will help you forgive yourself.

Good luck! You should be proud of yourself.
 
Even though you are a woman, I strongly suggest that you read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (see here).

I think it will give you some insights into your behavior and how you can change it. It may be a slow read at first, because it is written from the point of view of the person who is being abused, so as to resonate with their experience.
 
Let me suggest that you read The Dance of Anger** by Harriet Lerner. It’s about women & anger. I often recommend it to clients.

Peace,
Linda
 
LindaS said:
Let me suggest that you read The Dance of Anger** by Harriet Lerner. It’s about women & anger. I often recommend it to clients.

Peace,
Linda
Click to expand...
Hi! Thank you, I’ve just ordered it from Amazon! 99 people giving it 5* can’t be wrong 🙂
 
blue_skies, I think you need to concentrate on fixing you and let your boyfriend go and have his space. If you never hear from him again, well… not everything can be fixed. That may be the price you have to pay, the pain you have to suffer, in order to facilitate the growth you need to do.

You are still making this all about you. You don’t want to let him go because YOU can’t stand to lose him. You are not considering his damage, his need to run, or his need for healing at all. You want to communicate with him to *make your points *and to try to force him not to leave you. It’s still all about you.

Let him go. Do not call him. Not now, not in a week, not ever. Give him the freedom to choose to end it all or to seek you out if he wants to. He has the right to decide he can’t take it anymore. Every time you start thinking about contacting him to relieve your own pain or anxiety, force yourself to stop and think about his needs and his rights. Tape reminders to the phone and your computer, so you don’t call or e-mail without seeing that first.

Do the work you need to do on yourself. Let him do the same. Only pursue a relationship when you are a healthy person that can love and support another person, keeping their best interest at heart, and with a person who can do the same for you. And a guy who took abuse for years is not ready or able to be that for you.
 
duskyjewel said:
blue_skies, I think you need to concentrate on fixing you and let your boyfriend go and have his space. If you never hear from him again, well… not everything can be fixed. That may be the price you have to pay, the pain you have to suffer, in order to facilitate the growth you need to do.

You are still making this all about you. You don’t want to let him go because YOU can’t stand to lose him. You are not considering his damage, his need to run, or his need for healing at all. You want to communicate with him to *make your points *and to try to force him not to leave you. It’s still all about you.

Let him go. Do not call him. Not now, not in a week, not ever. Give him the freedom to choose to end it all or to seek you out if he wants to. He has the right to decide he can’t take it anymore. Every time you start thinking about contacting him to relieve your own pain or anxiety, force yourself to stop and think about his needs and his rights. Tape reminders to the phone and your computer, so you don’t call or e-mail without seeing that first.

Do the work you need to do on yourself. Let him do the same. Only pursue a relationship when you are a healthy person that can love and support another person, keeping their best interest at heart, and with a person who can do the same for you. And a guy who took abuse for years is not ready or able to be that for you.
Click to expand...
My post had nothing to do with wanting him back, not letting go, making it all about me etc :confused: . I specifically said that I broke up with him and I thought that was the right thing to do. I just felt very bad as I had the realisation I didn’t treat him particularly well & I wish I hadn’t been like that, I would like to change!
Your response was so judgemental and you didn’t even read my post properly 🤷
 
Oh. wow…I totally apologize. I think I got two different threads mixed up in my head! I am so sorry! I will delete that…

ETA: I did mix up your thread with another… I am really, really sorry. 😊
 
LOL please don’t worry about it :). I did get the distinct feeling we were talking about two different things!
 
Please help…

Hon first of all calm down…Don’t over stress yourself about your anxieties and the issues surrounding it…If you feel you have a serious problem with this seek help with your Priest, ask him to help you and guide you through God’s wonderful spirit…Pray…Focus on praying and asking God for guidance…the next thing to do is also seek a counselor…
Go to a counselor for anger management…My daughter is going to see one and for the past month things have smoothed out a bit. The ability they have to help you not so much as control your anger but teach you how to express yourself in a positive manner helps as well…And continue praying. Several times we dedicate to quiet and soul praying. Asking God for his guidance, and his help in our negative situations, and thanking him for the positives, and everything He does for us.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Seriously!!! First of all, we can also over judge ourselves when things go bad or not as planned. I judge myself all the time, and it lead me to not loving myself after a while, so much I endured 10 years with my exhusband who abused me constantly. It’s no fun hon!!! Not at all! So don’t be too hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with having needs, and wanting to be pleased. Nothing wrong at all. But as long as you give in return you are making the full circle of love and life…you know? Give unto others as you would like given unto you? Also love thy neighbor as thyself?! Any of those ring a bell? I try to live by these rules, and am trying to teach my children as well. There is nothing worst than asking and not giving…or taking and not returning…I do not appreciate people that abuse me, and I stay away from them as much as possible, first of all there is so much you can do for someone that doesn’t want to be helped, and I have read in the Bible on several passages of how Jesus even states to rebuke someone if they are not doing well, and if he still doesn’t listen to leave them be…Obviously everyone has their dark moments and not so sunshiny days, but it’s ok…Everyone has wants, and ambitions, needs, and expectations and it’s ok if you felt that the person you were with was not fulfilling those expectations or not providing enough of what you needed or what you wanted. There is nothing wrong with that…Just make sure you were giving as well…
In the relationship I am in, and my last marriage, it was always me giving and nothing given back to me…But because I was raised in a humble environment, parents very old fashioned so when I divorced they didn’t speak to me for many many moons!!! 😦
But it was ok because eventually they understood that I probably would have died before I was 50 if I would have stayed with a man that abused me constantly. In this relationship he is learning to finally give, and I didn’t waste a decade on him, like I did with my ex. Yes it is difficult and it’s hard, and my expectations are a bit higher this time, learned my lesson the first time!! 😃 And even though it’s taken him 2 years to finally start giving, the wait was worth it. I love him and he loves me and he appreciates me, and I appreciate him and we are working in our relationship and hope to GOD next year we will be wed through GOD’s blessing and will continue to grow our family!
It’s great to know what you want and to go for it. If you know what you want and the person you are with is not providing that want, then it is fair to move on, just remember give as much as you receive and you will be rewarded accordingly and you will always be happy!!!
Like I said take it slow, take care of yourself, pray for guidance, don’t be so hard on yourself, know what you want and go for it, seek counseling, and always when you feel yourself about to blow up, take deep breaths, go outside, go to a garden, or lay on the grass and just deep breaths, and pray. Stare at the clouds, go to a lake or river or creek and just sit by there and pray and enjoy your surroundings. Watch the trees sway with the wind and marvel at all the beautiful gifts God has given us here on Earth. And once you are relaxed think about what you did wrong or were about to do wrong and find a way not to do it, pray some more, think about why you did or were going to do what you did and go from there. Talk to God and ask Him for His divine advice. Yes it is a slow process but eventually you will be able to know what you want, and learn to control your anger better and express yourself in a more productive and positive manner and things will be a lot smoother for you in any relationship you decide to give a try.
Take care, I will pray for you and hope you have a great day!!!
 
Bancroft’s book is excellent. It has given me the key to understand every situation where I was abused and every situation where I was in the wrong – entitlement. Who has what rights? My bf did not have the right to know everything I ever did. I did not have the right to expect my mom to support me while I lived however I wanted as a grown woman, and not to know if I was even OK, nor the right to go through her private thigns after she suggested she wanted them private. My mom did not have the right ot expect me to act like an insightful, responsible adult when I was a little kid. I did not have the right to expect my pets to meet my needs. Address entitlement in any escalating conflict and who is being mean will clear right up. It’s not a magic bullet but it is a key factor that makes much mroe sense of things.
 
It is a good sign that you’ve come to realize some wrong part of yourself. I keep you in my prayer; my suggestion is talk to a priest, a Spiritual Director, and a counselor. This help will guide you to know the problem why you behaved that way.

I would also like to suggest to keep praying by asking God to help you see the way He sees you. This prayer has helped me over the last 2 years a lot, but seeking help is also a must.

God bless.
 
The first step is to give back control of the other person back to that person.

You have to realize several things, and make them into core assumptions:
  1. I am not responsible for other people’s behaviour.
  2. No one will think less of me if my boyfriend/parent/child or other loved one behaves badly.
  3. I cannot “make” anybody think a certain way.
  4. The only person I can change or improve is myself.
  5. It’s okay for them to do or say things I don’t agree with - they are not avatars of me.
  6. I am not the center of the universe. The world does not revolve around me.
  7. If someone other than me is not meeting my needs, it’s okay, because I am an adult, and I have the ability to meet my own needs.
  8. I have my life to live, and other people have their lives to live. Nobody was created solely to serve another. They were put on this earth to dream their dreams and make their dreams come true. If they aren’t making my dreams come true, it’s okay, because that’s not what they were put on the earth for, anyway.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top