I think I'm falling for my non-Catholic best friend?

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awistfulrose

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Forgive me if this is in the wrong place!!

Long story short: Someone who I’ve grown really close to has become someone I can imagine spending my life with… Except that he’s not a Catholic, he’s been tainted with atheism and liberalism in his family (but still considers himself agnostic) and I’m not sure what to do.
He’s just confessed his feelings to me… And though I felt the same way, I had to play it down slightly purely due to the fact that he hasn’t found the truth in the Catholic faith yet… It was heart wrenching.
I don’t know what to do. Must I take a step back? I know the guidelines with mixed marriages (if it progressed to that!!) so does that mean I’m supposed to walk away from him???
I’ve been praying for his conversion, but nothing seems to be working…
What do I do?!
 
Would he support you practicing your faith (e.g. no complaints when you insist on going to Sunday Mass every week even if say on a vacation)? Would he be open to you raising hypothetical children in the faith?
 
Well, these differences that seem small now will become bigger were you two ever to marry. Atheism and liberalism have nothing in common with Catholicism. They are at odds. Eventually, I think they would come to a head.

It wouldn’t be right to expect him to convert or to change him in any way.

So, would you ever be able to pray together? go to church together?

Would he be open to natural family planning should the need arise?

You would not share the most important aspect of your life with him.

Would he be okay with your having religious articles all over the house, crucifixes, rosaries, statues, religious images?

When children come, would you be okay with going to church with the kids while he stays home? When the children ask why Dad is staying home, is he going to encourage the children to go, even as he stays behind?

Some refer to a marriage of a believer, Christian, and a non-Christian as being “unevenly yoked”. You would be doing all the pulling, in a spiritual sense, while he just coasts.

The children would need the example of a father with their faith, and they wouldn’t have it.
Statisics have shown the example of a father in religion may even be stronger than a mother, in a way. It speaks volumes.

Will you be the only one teaching religion and values?

I think it was St. Paul who asked what non-believers have in common with believers. What does darkness has in common with the light?

I was married to an agnostic. In the beginning, I was away from my faith, so there wasn’t conflict. Then, I found my faith again. My ex-husband was so anti-religion that on Thanksgiving, he wouldn’t stay in the room if someone wanted to say grace. He would leave the room if the Pledge of Allegiance was said, where the words, “under God” were spoken.

It was very hard. We couldn’t go to church together. In the six-and-a-half years we were married, he went to church with me (outside of weddings or funerals), one time.

Politically, when I found my faith again, I switched from democratic to republican. So, we also clashed on politics. So, we were at odds on politics AND religion. Religion became more and more my life, so we drifted further and further apart.

We used to watch movies together, but after I found my faith again, I didn’t want to watch the movies we used to watch. I began to have values in that, and everything.

I said I wanted to put up my “Rick Santorum for President”, and he said I could do that if I’d let him put up a “Ban the bomb” sign! Little did he know, when he was at work, I put my sign up and took it down everyday before he got home!

How does he stand on abortion, gay marriage, religious freedom, transgender, etc.? Do you agree?

Consider this decision carefully. I would encourage you to be friends and to look for someone who shares your values and faith. Just my :twocents:
 
Please take the previous posts to heart. They have spoken very well, better than I could and they are correct in what you’d have to face.
 
Figure he’s not going to convert. Figure he’s going to resent the time you spend on your religious duties if you don’t lose the faith. Figure that you’ll blame him for your own failure to keep the faith if you do lose it. Figure that you’ll have disputes over what to teach your children on spiritual matters. That is all quite possible. I’d go so far as to say that one or more of those possibilities is the way to bet, although not inevitable. How did that scenario go for a test drive? Having said that, if your religious conviction is something he likes about you and something he would have liked his parents to have given him, the outlook is somewhat different. Not easy by any means–think about the grandparents you are taken on for your children–but actually quite different. And yes, of course you are talking about someone you are very compatible with in other ways.

Also–what is this “falling for” thing? You aren’t saying, are you, that you are in some way powerless over strong feelings of mutual attraction, right? If you were married already, after all, you’d have to take a step back and put on the brakes, right? So let’s not have any thought that you don’t have a choice in this.

Make your choice very carefully. Make it a choice. Really look into what kinds of life decisions he can see the two of you making. Maybe even go on an Engaged Encounter, which is essentially a weekend where you talk about all the things that people ought to talk about before they marry. That could be even more of an eye-opener for him than for you. (And you do owe it to him to let him know what he is “in for” as much as you can.) As you live it out, give yourself credit for doing the best you could discern at the time.

You might want to spend some time in Lectio Divina with the count the cost parables, for in this case, too, you are embarking on something that will cost more than just you if you don’t reckon in advance what you both will have to give in order to make a go of this. If you go in, go in with his eyes and your eyes open. You’ll have a much better time of it, that way:

*Great crowds were traveling with him, and he turned and addressed them, "If any one comes to me without hating his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.Which of you wishing to construct a tower does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if there is enough for its completion? Otherwise, after laying the foundation and finding himself unable to finish the work the onlookers should laugh at him and say, ‘This one began to build but did not have the resources to finish.’ Or what king marching into battle would not first sit down and decide whether with ten thousand troops he can successfully oppose another king advancing upon him with twenty thousand troops? But if not, while he is still far away, he will send a delegation to ask for peace terms. In the same way, everyone of you who does not renounce all his possessions cannot be my disciple.

“Salt is good, but if salt itself loses its taste, with what can its flavor be restored? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. Whoever has ears to hear ought to hear.”*
Luke 14:25-35

(I speak this as someone who married a non-Catholic of the “I wish I’d been brought up a with a religion but I’m not ready to be Catholic” sort.)
 
Atheism is harder to deal with than agnosticism. That is the belief there is no God.

My ex-husband’s philosophy was something his mother said, “Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think. Enjoy yourself while you are in the pink”. Since he didn’t believe in life after death, there was an emphasis on eating, drinking and being merry, because tomorrow we die. As a Catholic, my emphasis became one of doing everything I could to get myself, and my loved ones, to heaven. So, I didn’t care as much about enjoyment in the here and now, sacrificing it for heaven in eternity.

Do you see how these two goals clash?

Also, he didn’t seem to believe in sin, so you can see where that would lead. One of his relatives encouraged him one time to read Ann Coulter’s, “Godless: The church of liberalism”! Seems to me I later read that and had to agree with it.
 
I have a friend of mine who was a Christian and married a lady from Vietnam. She really didn’t appreciate his giving donations to his church (he tithed). She considered it a waste of their money.
 
I would suggest to continue praying for his conversion. It’s all done in secret anyway, he doesn’t know.

As for your feelings. If you’re a committed Catholic, I think it would be hard to be in a romantic relationship with him, being an atheist and all.
 
ClearWater said:
Atheism is harder to deal with than agnosticism. That is the belief there is no God.

My ex-husband’s philosophy was something his mother said, “Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think. Enjoy yourself while you are in the pink”. Since he didn’t believe in life after death, there was an emphasis on eating, drinking and being merry, because tomorrow we die. As a Catholic, my emphasis became one of doing everything I could to get myself, and my loved ones, to heaven. So, I didn’t care as much about enjoyment in the here and now, sacrificing it for heaven in eternity.

Do you see how these two goals clash?

Also, he didn’t seem to believe in sin, so you can see where that would lead. One of his relatives encouraged him one time to read Ann Coulter’s, “Godless: The church of liberalism”! Seems to me I later read that and had to agree with it.
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It’s his family that is atheist. He considers himself agnostic, which is more open to conversion on most days.
 
awistfulrose said:
Forgive me if this is in the wrong place!!

Long story short: Someone who I’ve grown really close to has become someone I can imagine spending my life with… Except that he’s not a Catholic, he’s been tainted with atheism and liberalism in his family (but still considers himself agnostic) and I’m not sure what to do.
He’s just confessed his feelings to me… And though I felt the same way, I had to play it down slightly purely due to the fact that he hasn’t found the truth in the Catholic faith yet… It was heart wrenching.
I don’t know what to do. Must I take a step back? I know the guidelines with mixed marriages (if it progressed to that!!) so does that mean I’m supposed to walk away from him???
I’ve been praying for his conversion, but nothing seems to be working…
What do I do?!
Click to expand...
How does he lead you to holiness? How does he share your view of the world, God, and the meal parameters that those things bring with them?
 
Once you get to know one another a little better ,
You get to have deeper conversations ,
You can Question his faith and explain your faith ,
You just need a bit of time ,
True Love Conquers many obstacles
 
Thank you for your replies, it’s much appreciated!
He’s made it clear he’s not an atheist, knows there’s something out there but doesn’t know what. I think it’s just a case of bringing up the subject…
What am I supposed to do in the meantime?! I can’t exactly say “sorry I can’t be with you because of my religion” because that would straight away turn him against the faith!!
phil_at_dayboro said:
Once you get to know one another a little better ,
You get to have deeper conversations ,
You can Question his faith and explain your faith ,
You just need a bit of time ,
True Love Conquers many obstacles
Click to expand...
This is true… Thank you. I think if it’s God’s holy will, everything will work out. I just don’t know how or what to do. I will keep praying for his conversion and hope that I find a way to introduce the Faith to him. Please pray for me!!
 
phil_at_dayboro said:
Once you get to know one another a little better ,
You get to have deeper conversations ,
You can Question his faith and explain your faith ,
You just need a bit of time ,
True Love Conquers many obstacles
Click to expand...
Thank you for this lone voice of wisdom and yes, love in a desert of negativity…

OP take time and wait and watch. I Know couples of very different faiths and none on one side and they have a great marriage that works.

“You and your husband” are not clones.
 
Mixed marriages can be difficult. The questions in the first couple of posts are very good. If you two decide to pursue this, he needs to know that you will be a practicing Catholic and would raise any kids as such, from going to Church every Sunday to your positions on birth control and family planning. It doesn’t mean he has to make a choice this second, but if he can’t appreciate and this about you and know that he will stay accepting about it, then it could create problems. He should probably also know Catholics cannot divorce and remarried, so even if he obtains a civil divorce somewhere down the line for whatever reason, he leaves you in a bad spot, so he needs to be sure.

Again, not all has to be settled immediately. He’s confessed his feelings not proposed yet. And you don’t have to make it sound like you are definitely getting married at this point, but he should know the direction of the road, even if it’s a long ways towards that type of commitment.

I think you also would need to be okay if he never converts and not put pressure on him to do so. Never stop praying, but you’d have to be okay with living as an example and not arguing with him over it.
 
awistfulrose said:
Thank you for your replies, it’s much appreciated!
He’s made it clear he’s not an atheist, knows there’s something out there but doesn’t know what. I think it’s just a case of bringing up the subject…
What am I supposed to do in the meantime?! I can’t exactly say “sorry I can’t be with you because of my religion” because that would straight away turn him against the faith!!

This is true… Thank you. I think if it’s God’s holy will, everything will work out. I just don’t know how or what to do. I will keep praying for his conversion and hope that I find a way to introduce the Faith to him. Please pray for me!!
Click to expand...
You might want to say, “Well, I think the two of us need to look into how my religion is going to play out in this before we go any further. That seems the best way to me for both of us to be fair to each other and to ourselves.” Then go to an Engaged Encounter weekend. Honestly, I have had a priest tell me that those things would be much more useful if they were done early in a relationship when more couples would still have the courage to call things off. As it is, they are usually done so late that couples who should call off their intentions to marry don’t want the embarrassment of doing it! You’ll be on a better footing to know where your differences lie and where your thorniest questions are going to be, even if you stay together!

Unlike most couples just starting to date, you know each other very well and probably would not be in the “say what you have to say” mode. You’re going to still be in a position to look out for what is best for both of you. Remember: what will be hard on you will be hard on him, too. This isn’t all about you. You can both still cut bait without losing too much this way.

If you don’t do this (I mean proceed all the way to marriage), of course when one of you starts dating someone else seriously the friendship will need to cool off. That was always true, though. You are in a position where the only two directions are forward or backward. Staying at the point you’ve progressed to is not an option. Choosing wisely when you are still in a position to do it is an option. Try to choose that. If you do that, I think it gives you both the best chances for a marriage that has always had the kind of communication that is vital if a mixed marriage is going to work and also the best chances for a friendship that will survive having raised this question because both parties had a chance to see why not going forward was the most sensible choice.
 
A couple in my Church handled this way. He was not a Catholic but he faithfully came to Church and sat with his wife because he felt that it was important for his children to see the respect he had for their mother.
 
HelenRose said:
A couple in my Church handled this way. He was not a Catholic but he faithfully came to Church and sat with his wife because he felt that it was important for his children to see the respect he had for their mother.
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I know a fellow (baptized, but not in the Catholic Church) who did this so faithfully and was such a good pitch-in-and-help member of the parish with his wife and children that he was approached by people who were trying to make up a short list of candidates if he’d consider running for parish council! No one had ever noticed that he never received Holy Communion. He and his wife got a good laugh out of that! So yes, a spouse who values that their Catholic spouse values his or her faith, especially one willing to attend Mass when children come along, can make this work quite well. (In some ways, it is easier than if the marriage mixes a serious Catholic and a serious member of a different denomination.)

The couple does need to have a serious discussion about what happens if the husband starts to feel strongly that the Church is just wrong. Then what?
 
EasterJoy said:
I know a fellow (baptized, but not in the Catholic Church) who did this so faithfully and was such a good pitch-in-and-help member of the parish with his wife and children that he was approached by people who were trying to make up a short list of candidates if he’d consider running for parish council! No one had ever noticed that he never received Holy Communion. He and his wife got a good laugh out of that! So yes, a spouse who values that their Catholic spouse values his or her faith, especially one willing to attend Mass when children come along, can make this work quite well. (In some ways, it is easier than if the marriage mixes a serious Catholic and a serious member of a different denomination.)

The couple does need to have a serious discussion about what happens if the husband starts to feel strongly that the Church is just wrong. Then what?
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There is probably more going on behind the scene if a husband or wife suddenly decided that the Church is wrong. It may be more of a symptom rather that a logical train of thought.
 
HelenRose said:
There is probably more going on behind the scene if a husband or wife suddenly decided that the Church is wrong. It may be more of a symptom rather that a logical train of thought.
Click to expand...
Although when children arrive people do have sudden changes in their outlook on life, what I am talking about need not be a sudden change. Marriages last a lifetime, and a couple does well to consider how they are going to handle foreseeable evolutions in one or both of them. What a person finds easy to tolerate from a distance can become much more of a source of resentment when it dictates their every weekend.
 
Something that a lot of people overlook is the Catholic sex life. Yes, it’s different. A Catholic would need to find someone willing to accept children, and possibly use nfp. so you would have to find a spouse that not only respected your faith on Sundays but all the time even in the bedroom. That is hard.

Usually if one agrees with the Catholic view of marriage and life issues, including no artificial birth control well let’s face it, they are probably Catholic.
 
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