I think I'm going to be sick

[LifeIsHard]

My husband and I have a business. My husband wants to hire this girl to work in our store. However, we don’t have time for eachother anymore and are always arguing. Last night we were arguing and he started drinking. I went to bed. I woke up and he was on the couch in a deep sleep.

I saw his phone light up and walked over there. There was a text and it said “U left me baby”. It was from this new employee. I looked through his phone and there were several texts including her saying “love u” in one text (that’s all the text said) and “U in ur wifes car” “hey baby what’s up”. He goes out of town sometimes to get supplies for our store and one of the texts he asked her to go with him. Then she texted him later that “you left me baby” after. She came into the store last night so I know she didn’t go with him.

I am irate and ready to leave. I don’t care if nothing really happend, they both crossed the line and I did text her from his phone saying this is his wife and why are you texting my husband this way. I have not heard back.** I am about to throw up.** He says I owe HER an apology!!! Can you believe THAT???

There is definately something going on, right?

 

[TLM08]

My husband and I have a business. My husband wants to hire this girl to work in our store. However, we don’t have time for eachother anymore and are always arguing. Last night we were arguing and he started drinking. I went to bed. I woke up and he was on the couch in a deep sleep.

I saw his phone light up and walked over there. There was a text and it said “U left me baby”. It was from this new employee. I looked through his phone and there were several texts including her saying “love u” in one text (that’s all the text said) and “U in ur wifes car” “hey baby what’s up”. He goes out of town sometimes to get supplies for our store and one of the texts he asked her to go with him. Then she texted him later that “you left me baby” after. She came into the store last night so I know she didn’t go with him.

I am irate and ready to leave. I don’t care if nothing really happend, they both crossed the line and I did text her from his phone saying this is his wife and why are you texting my husband this way. I have not heard back.** I am about to throw up.** He says I owe HER an apology!!! Can you believe THAT???

There is definately something going on, right?

Yes, there is something going on. It’s very possible that they have NOT had sex though.

Don’t make any assumptions and most of all DO NOT run nightmare tapes of them being together in your mind! Tell him that you love him, but you need some time to evaluate the situation. Don’t yell, scream or cry when talking to him. That only gives your power away. Calmly tell him that you are considering your options. That will get his attention. Ask him if he wants to be married to you.

If he wants to remain married and you are willing to help him fix the marriage then you need to find out together the reason why he has chosen to buddy up with this girl and fix the problems. I would demand he get tested for STDs no if’s and’s or buts. At this point he cannot be trusted to be truthful. He’ll have to earn that! The alcohol situation should be evaluated as well.

Keep a cool head and do NOT blame yourself for this. If he felt neglected in the marriage he should have spoken up. Girl “friends” on the side are simply not acceptable.

A million hugs from all of us to you my friend! You are never alone.

 

[Peter_Dawson]

But do you know what? Anger doesn’t help.

Say a prayer for faith. Then, with faith, pray for God’s help in this, and for a good attitude within you.

Then, with humility, communicate.

Remember that his attitude will be wrong.

 

[kage_ar]

Call your Priest, get an appointment to talk to him. He has seen many couples through this same thing.

 

[losh14]

That makes me sick to hear it, too. Shame on him for his attempt at philandering. At this point you need to decide whether you want to continue your marriage, and I’d admonish you to do so. Divorce is a terrible thing, especially where children are involved, although it has its place and necessity. If you do wish to continue your marriage, you should being working on restoring it, and please read on.

My husband and I have a business. My husband wants to hire this girl to work in our store. However, we don’t have time for eachother anymore and are always arguing.

Your marriage must come before everything else, including your business. If the business is causing sufficient stress (ie, if it is the cause of your not spending time together) you should close it, or fundamentally change the way it is run so that it is less of a stressor. Hiring a trustworthy family member to assist would be recommended. So would firing this girl.

That said, there are issues within your marriage that the two of you should address via counseling immediately. If he does not wish to seek counseling, then you take the lead and make a roadmap to recovery. So these aren’t just conditions on him, offer concessions on your part as well so it is more of a covenant. for instance:

He:

1. Agrees to end all communication with this girl and tell you when she tries to initiate communication with him
2. Agrees to be home after the store closes unless he’s out with you
3. Agrees to get a spectrum STD test and understands no marital relations until those test results are back

You:

1. Agree to devote the first half hour of his night home to listen to whatever he needs to talk about - so that he knows you’re interested in his life
2. Agree to plan a date night twice a week to spend time together
3. Agree to get an STD test with him (to show your willingness to walk this with him)

Once you have worked on restoring trust, revisit everything in your lives. If either of you have friendships that get in the way (ie, he complains you spend too much time with the girls, he’s out drinking too much) those have to be curtailed. If the store’s operations get in the way, change them or get rid of them. A member of our church is a business owner and he was having emotional difficulties with his wife while she was his partner. She realized it was his inability to separate her roles of business partner and spouse, and so she exited the firm and told him she would be his Board of Directors to whom he could vent - and this is what he needed. There were no issues of trust, though, as her brother also worked with her husband, but this is a suggestion of how things might change for the better.

If he doesn’t want to seek counseling, you can go yourself - you’ll need the emotional support as well. There’s no shame in it. I’m a healthy, stable 30-something with a master’s degree and a white collar job. I’ve spent several years, off and on, in counseling to help me work through things I needed to work through. You can also ask him to come with you as a covenant condition of recovery, or even farther down the line since he’ll eventually have to realize what he’s been doing.

I would admonish you not to push for divorce at this point, even though emotional infidelity has occured. Divorce is a severe action and would impede efforts to reform your husband, and you want him back and restored. Where trust is broken, it can be restored, and it will be restored through a process of moving closer together and away from those things that threaten your marriage. Those things include this girl - fire her, if she’s been hired, and block her number.

If he does continue to see this girl and does not change his ways, that’s emotional abandonment. Contact a priest and have him try to help. At best, he can remind your husband of his calling to fidelity and the punishment for adultery (ahem…HELL). At least, the priest can serve as a witness to your husband’s emotional abandonment and refusal to change. That’s what infidelity is - emotional abandonment. If your husband is unrepentant despite your every effort, better to be divorced and leave him to Satan. I don’t say this lightly or with a glint of revenge. I’d rather if your husband seeks Hell despite all efforts that he not drag you and this girl down with him, but I’d much rather you be able to save him from himself.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[quasimodo]

He says I owe HER an apology!!! Can you believe THAT???

There is definitely something going on, right?

I see he belongs to the “the best defense is a good offense” school of argumentation

Very manipulative, too, I’ll bet.

Yes, something untoward is afoot. It needs serious and long term attention from both of you, immediately. Both of you need guidance from a priest and or councilor - together and apart.

prayers

 

[LifeIsHard]

Very manipulative, too, I’ll bet.

:sad_yes:

 

[KatrinaWB]

Life is hard. Christian life even harder. Catholic Christian life harder still when it comes to a situation such as this. The Church teaches us to forgive. The Church teaches us to be faithful in marriage, in sickness and health, in good times and bad, for better or for worse.
Hard. Almost humanly impossible. Prayer is necessary to even begin to see a light in this darkness. The easy answer, and that which many would see as logical, would be to “throw the bum out”. Perhaps temporarily. Time apart is not prohibited by the Church.
Are there children involved? At the very least, you must remain civil to your husband for their sakes. Always take the higher road, even though you would like to shove him out the door, with his belongings right behind him. But, he is their father…will always be their father. You must help them to keep respect for him, and that can only be done through your example. Ask for prayers from your friends and loved ones, for a “special intention”, for privacy. I’m sure all here will offer up prayer for you. God bless you with His peace and strengthen you in this trial.

 

[Holly3278]

Wow. This must really suck for you LifeIsHard. I will say a prayer for you and I will try to remember you at Mass this evening.

 

[whatevergirl]

***If your husband wants you to apologize to her, he still doesn’t see the wrong in what he’s done here. Yes, we are called to forgive as spouses, but doesn’t sound your husband is asking for forgiveness…if he wants to see other women, then he can’t have it both ways. He needs to stop the behavior, fire her, should be second on the list, seek counseling, and then sit with your priest. THIS can only happen if HE is willing, and you are willing. I am so sorry this is happening. This sounds very similiar to my nephew’s marital story right now…he started finding text messages and emails to other men from his wife, and then found out she cheated. He is leaving her, she doesn’t seem remorseful. He said to his mom/my sister, that he would have stayed and worked on it if she was remorseful, that’s just it…if your husband feels more sorry for the employee than you, then there is definitely a problem here. Now, we are often called to forgive, even if we don’t ‘hear’ an apology, but your husband can’t date other women, and be married to you, too. That’s not a marriage, and it has to stop…he has to apologize to you…and try to repent.

I will keep you in my prayers, that your husband stops the behavior, and realizes the wonderful marriage he has. Sometimes, my husband and I are two ships passing in the night…his work schedule is opposite from mine, and he works weekends. It can be hard, but we make the time we do have together, count. Tomorrow, we are taking the day off and spending it with the kids…so there is time, you have to make it. If he has time to text message all of this nonsense to a stranger, he has time for you, and visa versa.

I’m here if you need to talk. God bless, and hang in there…***

 

[gardenswithkids]

… I don’t care if nothing really happend, they both crossed the line and I did text her from his phone saying this is his wife and why are you texting my husband this way. I have not heard back.** I am about to throw up.** He says I owe HER an apology!!! Can you believe THAT???

There is definately something going on, right?

I am so sorry. Prayers for your marriage.

And you* don’t* owe her an apology.

 

[LifeIsHard]

Well, I did have him fire her. She “left” her last pay in the store so she had to come back for it - asking for her job still. He told her to leave. I told him that I will be checking his phone use and if I see a text or call from her - I will show her husband the texts she sent him.

I told him if they had done anything 5 innocent persons would have been hurt - me, her husband, our son, and her two children.

He doesn’t want to take responsibility. He says he thought she was divorced. She wrote me a text and said she was sorry and she was joking. That she loved her husband and didn’t want to hurt him. She told my husband she was divorced and denied the children her husband kept bringing in were hers - telling him that was her brother and his children.

So, he was most upset that she lied to him. That implies to me that he’s jealous she’s married and that he WAS insterested. I said I am mad at her and he said who aren’t you mad at and hung up on me. that’s absurd - I am a very happy go lucky person and he is the only one that upsets me. I am not mad at anyone but them. He tries to blame me by saying before we got married (almost 9 years ago) I went to a club with my cousin in law’s brother (new in town) and we didn’t dance or anything but he made a pass at me. I told my now husband then and nothing happened - but he still threw that in my face. He won’t confront what HE did. He also says that I flirt with a specific guy who comes into our business, but this is not true. This guy will come in and say something flirty to ALL the girls here (and it’s never vulgar or out there, just like if you do something really well, he will blow a kiss) and we all say Thanks, you have a nice day. Never has he texted me and I wouldn’t allow it. once he asked me to come talk with him in his car and I said no. How can my husband even compare the two and why is he avoiding what he’s done. I want him to sit down and tell me what he and she said and that he’s sorry. But, if I bring it up, he wants to argue and blame this or that on me.

 

[Melissa]

What the Sam Hill difference does it make whether or not she was divorced at the time of these incidents? That does not change that fact that he (husband of LifeIsHard) is married, and his behavior with this woman is inappropriate for a married man (whether or not physical infidelity took place).

The one who is owed an apology here is LifeIsHard, from two people: her husband (for failing to let her know about the inappropriate texts at the time of occurrence, for not unequivocally telling the other woman that it was inappropriate, and for suggesting that LifeIsHard owes the other woman an apology for anything). I am, of course, assuming that the text LIH sent was substantially identical to the text in the post “this is the wife, why are you texting my husband in this manner?” The second person who owes LifeIsHard an apology is the other woman for her inappropriate behavior. Not that I think the latter is likely to happen.

Otherwise, I’d agree with all the above advice, especially that of losh14.

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, I did have him fire her. She “left” her last pay in the store so she had to come back for it - asking for her job still. He told her to leave. I told him that I will be checking his phone use and if I see a text or call from her - I will show her husband the texts she sent him.

I told him if they had done anything 5 innocent persons would have been hurt - me, her husband, our son, and her two children.

He doesn’t want to take responsibility. He says he thought she was divorced. She wrote me a text and said she was sorry and she was joking. That she loved her husband and didn’t want to hurt him. She told my husband she was divorced and denied the children her husband kept bringing in were hers - telling him that was her brother and his children.

So, he was most upset that she lied to him. That implies to me that he’s jealous she’s married and that he WAS insterested. I said I am mad at her and he said who aren’t you mad at and hung up on me. that’s absurd - I am a very happy go lucky person and he is the only one that upsets me. I am not mad at anyone but them. He tries to blame me by saying before we got married (almost 9 years ago) I went to a club with my cousin in law’s brother (new in town) and we didn’t dance or anything but he made a pass at me. I told my now husband then and nothing happened - but he still threw that in my face. He won’t confront what HE did. He also says that I flirt with a specific guy who comes into our business, but this is not true. This guy will come in and say something flirty to ALL the girls here (and it’s never vulgar or out there, just like if you do something really well, he will blow a kiss) and we all say Thanks, you have a nice day. Never has he texted me and I wouldn’t allow it. once he asked me to come talk with him in his car and I said no. How can my husband even compare the two and why is he avoiding what he’s done. I want him to sit down and tell me what he and she said and that he’s sorry. But, if I bring it up, he wants to argue and blame this or that on me.

I’m so sorry, life. I would try to get into counseling…clearly, your husband doesn’t see the responsibility he plays in this, and if he was interested in another woman, he needs perhaps a third party to help him see the light. I will keep praying that you guys can get past this, but know, it will take a lot of patience and some suffering on your part. A betrayal of sorts took place, not sure if anything took place between your husband and this other woman, but clearly, there was a betrayal of trust. I hope that things get better for you, soon. God bless!