I think my friend is in an abusive relationship, but I don't know how to help

[Irishmom2]

Good idea. I’ll try something like that. I’m worried she’ll just pretend she never really liked it anyways though. :sad_yes:

But something has to be said.

So call her out on it. Say, “now you know that’s not true, you used to wear it with the best of us.” Just play dumb.

 

[Irishmom2]

Also, don’t invite her out to do things that you suspect he “doesn’t let her” do. Ask her to do something he can’t find fault with. Ask her to come over and help you purge your closet. Maybe she will open up. Ask her out for a meal, but not to go to a bar. (She will only say she doesn’t like hanging out in bars, but everyone eats.) Anything to get her away so you can talk. Oh, your other friends just happened to show up? What a surprise!

 

[Still_Hoping]

I have a friend who started dating this one guy about a year ago. I didn’t like him when I first met him. He was awkward and didn’t really introduce himself and WOULD NOT make eye contact. But I didn’t say anything, because I thought, maybe he’s just shy. Obviously there’s something that my friend sees in him, so I just shrugged and let it go.

But about six months ago, my friend’s entire personality started to change. And not in a good way. She used to love to dress up and do her make-up. She used to love going out. She used to be a very happy and energetic person. But now her voice has no life in it. Her boyfriend makes her not wear make-up now. Or buy nice clothes. He made her get rid of all social media. She has to get his permission to go out. She has to text him every time she leaves. I hardly have even seen her since she started dating this guy. Her entire life revolves around him.

But when you bring him up at all, and mention he’s a bit possessive, she gets extremely defensive.“He’s had bad experiences with past girlfriends. He doesn’t have any one else besides me.” Etc… Either that, or she pretends she never liked the stuff she used to like before he came along.

I’m seriously worried he’s emotionally abusing her…or worse. But I can’t do anything! She won’t talk. She won’t listen. Now she’s living with him. He’s dragging her away from everyone who loves her, and she’s letting him.

I don’t know what to do. Is there anything I CAN do? Besides pray? I just don’t want her to get hurt.

She will get hurt. She is in denial. She is needy. Just be straight up with her in a gentle and firm way.

 

[Melissa]

I’m worried she is in denial right now. I doubt she’d go to a clinic. She’s so…defensive of him. I haven’t said that she needs to break up with him or that I’m worried he’s hurting her yet, all I’ve mentioned is that some of the stuff he does doesn’t seem right. And she brushes it off and says he’s been cheated on before so that’s why he’s so protective. :banghead:

How do I approach the topic without scaring her away?

You don’t … To start with, do not criticize him in front of her. That will make her feel the need to defend him. You want to let her make the statements, when it’s time.

Just indicate your care for her. Invite her to do things (coffee, a movie, whatever sorts of things you might have been inviting her that she joined in on in the past). No matter how many times she declines, don’t stop inviting her.

Going this route, you don’t feed into his script of “it’s you and me against the cruel world” and leaves her knowing that she has someone she can turn to when the time is right.

Pray a lot.

I was in an abusive relationship for years, and this is what I wish people who’d been closer to me at the beginning had done. (I am out and safe now, and I have my children away from him, too.)

Yes, there’s a lot of red flags, but you can’t believe how charming abusers are when they are working on landing their victim.

 

[Robyn_p]

You don’t … To start with, do not criticize him in front of her. That will make her feel the need to defend him. You want to let her make the statements, when it’s time.

I just wanted to say I’ve been taking this advice. (And the advice the rest of you all have given. Thank you!) And tonight she actually started venting about him with me. Which I think is a good sign. I didn’t bring him up, I just listened and asked questions. She was angry that he backed out of meeting her family again. (They’ve been dating for a year) I’m hoping maybe she’s starting to see what he’s doing.

If you guys could keep praying that would be really appreciated. I think progress is being made.

 

[Still_Hoping]

I just wanted to say I’ve been taking this advice. (And the advice the rest of you all have given. Thank you!) And tonight she actually started venting about him with me. Which I think is a good sign. I didn’t bring him up, I just listened and asked questions. She was angry that he backed out of meeting her family again. (They’ve been dating for a year) I’m hoping maybe she’s starting to see what he’s doing.

If you guys could keep praying that would be really appreciated. I think progress is being made.

You are a great friend. Praying for your intention. God bless.