I think my marriage is a fraud

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HoneyBea

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I’m sure this isn’t the first nor the last of this type of post and I normally don’t solicit public random strangers on online forums but I’m pretty much desperate. I can’t help but feel like A whiney complainer but I feel like losing my mind. I’ve been married 5 years. I met my husband 8 yrs ago and I’ve been miserable ever since. You might ask why I married him and I can’t even answer that. I was running away from something. I don’t remember my wedding day and I can’t relate when I hear others say it was the happiest day of their life. Looking back I think I now know why I refused to allow my parents to spend a lot of money on our wedding. My mother and I actually fought over it because she wanted me to have a huge wedding and spend enormous amount of money. I refused and limited my wedding to 30 people total. I now know why I did that and the truth is I knew it at the time to but I didn’t want to admit it. I was a fraud. I didn’t even believe in my own marriage lasting and the idea of my parents spending so much money on a marriage that would never last was impossible to bear. Don’t misunderstand me it’s not that I went into my marriage thinking it wouldn’t last. I had every intention in fact I still do that’s why Im writing this. I just think it was intuitive thing. I have been married 5 yrs and have been absolutely miserable. I married the most selfish, thoughtless, inward, unhappy man. He is everything that I am not. We have nothing in common we share none of the same interests and we can’t even share any passions or talk about anything because all he cares about is football. I have never in my life met someone so shallow. It’s like no one is home up there. He can’t even engage in any dialogue. It’s as if he doesn’t have any deep thoughts. He was raised by a single mom who always put men before her children, she has been married 4 times and his father has been married 7 times. We have insane fights. He makes feel crazy, I am so frustrated that all I do is cry all the time. I am unsatisfied emotionally, sexually any possible way I am completely unfulfilled. Things have gotten a little better. Our fights use to be physical but that has stopped for 3 yrs now he hasn’t hit me except for grabbing me or something. Anyways I could go on and on but the point of this post is I don’t know what to do. If I weren’t catholic I would have left. I am starting to resent God I feel trapped and forced by my faith and trust and I’ve put in God. I’m suffering so much but when I cry out to God I always say I know my suffering is small compared to those who have suffered greatly for their faith yet it doesn’t make the pain any less. I have put off children for 5 years because I do not want to bring children into this life. Our dog runs and hides when we are even in the same room together for fear we will fight, can you imagine what we would do to a child? I am able to stop when the dog is around and I beg my husband to just smile and pretend everything is ok and pretend that we are happy in front of the dog but he can’t put his pride aside for the health of our dog. He just makes fun of me and says " it’s just a dog". Anyways I’ve been to 4 marriage counselors and 2 priests. I pray every day all day for our marriage. As of 3 months ago I felt god was telling me to be open to marriage so we started trying for children but I haven’t gotten pregnant yet and now I’m wondering if maybe I’m not suppose to be. I am so confused I don’t think God wants us to be unhappy. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I have sacrificed everything for my husband. Everything. All of me he has all of me. What else can I do? Pray more? I know he will never change. I’ve accepted that and I’ve turned to God but I just want to be happy. I feel like deleting this stupid post.
 
So let me start with saying, I also believe marriage is for life. My husband of 8 years told me he wants a divorce because he hasn’t Bernard happy in years, but somehow he was happy enough to make three children with me. I am fighting everyday and praying constantly for his heart to soften toward me, but he is not willing. I don’t know what more to do and I am afraid to let go because I don’t think he will come back. I am very insecure and he has not made me feel any differently lately. For you, is your husband willing to go to counseling with you or Retrovaille? If not, do you date often? There is a reason why you both married, can you bring anything back or make new experiences with him? I know it is so hard to love someone, especially if you feel they are not returning it. Maybe you can set a a few dates up that include his and your hobbies and try to get to know each other more. You did things have been getting a little better, look at the things that have gotten better and try to expand of those. It takes a lot of time and effort, but you need to love him more than yourself right now. Have you seen Fireproof the movie? There is a bok called the Love Dare. It is a 40 day experience, maybe you can try it and service how things progress. Know that you are in a better spot right now because your husband doesn’t want to leave you, you don’t have to fight for him to stay, you just need to get yourself in a place you want to stay. You cannot change him, but maybe changing some things about yourself (for yourself) will make him notice. I will be praying for you.
 
Hi thank you for taking the time to reply. I am sorry to hear about your marriage thank for sharing that personally story with me to help put my marriage in perspective. Yesterday, I told him I wish he would leave me and free me of the burden of my vow before God. Terrible thing to say I know but I feel so desperate. I know he will never leave me. The truth is I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and he knows he doesn’t deserve me and will never do better. No woman in their right mind would ever marry him. Like I said I was running away from something he made me feel safe at the time. I do remember I was in love with him madly enough but that quickly faded. I got tired of being treated like dirt. You’re right though at least he wants this marriage. He claims he wants a happy marriage and I think he is trying but I’m so worn down. I’m so incredibly worn down. I basically loathe everything about him I can’t even stand his touch. When he touches me I feel rage inside and I want him to get away. It’s pretty bad even as I write this I feel disgust and anger at the thought of him touching me. I’m not sure if what I feel is hate. I have often thought about my life if he died and I think I would mourn him and miss him but I would take it as a sign of God releasing me yet it’s the last thing I would every want to happen so that tells me I must somehow still love him. I will check out that book. We can’t do marriage counseling. My husband works for a sensitive department in the United States Airforce. Any type of counseling is a huge red flag. So that is a no go. My husband got over seas orders and they almost denied me from going due to my previous marriage counseling meeting I had done in my name. He would go but the medical records were all in my name. Anyways none of that worked out. Basically the military discriminates you using your medical records and I guess now the rest of the United States is soon going to know what that is like now that Obamacare has passed but that’s a whole other topic. My husband is not a bad man that’s why I married him. He is a good man but a very inward man and I know he will never change. He has never once not once and I’m not exaggerating here not once has he taken me on a date. Crazy huh? Not once! He just doesn’t care to make any effort to express his love in any way. He has never bought me a gift either and I think it’s my fault because at the beginning of the relationship I tolerated and made excuses for it but 8 yrs later and I’m not the same stupid girl. Please pray for me thank you for offering your prayers. I graciously accept your prayers on my behalf and I will be praying a rosary for you.
 
Thank you Monica your words made me cry, for a moment I felt heart melt, and felt love and pity for my husband. I will try to remember your words when I see him next. Also, thank you for the link, I am most definitely going to look into it. Please pray for me? For us?
 
Face to the floor. Deep, pleading intercession for God’s healing of your husband’s heart and even more, your own. The resentment brewing in your own heart will do more violence to your soul than your husband ever could.

I’m not kidding. Married 16 years, husband has struggled off an on with an issue that has left me feeling exactly like what you describe. If you are in this marriage to stay, and I am only using the “if” because you did mention physical abuse, then prayerful service of your marriage bond is all that will work. BTW, I wouldn’t shed a tear that standard counseling is out–most of them aren’t going to help you go all in to save your marriage anyway, IMhO. Church based is the way to go.

Love is a choice, not a feeling. You may have fallen madly in love with you husband before you got married, and truly felt that way. But, honey, the butterflies in your stomach fly away. That feeling passes, and maybe comes back here and there. True love chooses to serve, to cook meals when you are tired. To put away laundry left in the dryer. To build up, not tear down. Would he go through the 5 Love Languages Book with you, so he can see what you need, and you can see how best to serve EACH OTHER?

Prayers for you, today. You aren’t a fraud. Your marriage isn’t a fraud. You, and your husband, and your marriage are beautiful and wonderful–but touched by the fall of man, and the sting of sin.
 
Your story breaks my heart and I really don’t know what to say to help encourage you. The marriage you describe sounds very unhealthy and one that would not be simple to fix. While I have nothing better to say than what the other posters have offered I do promise to pray for you and I do care. May God give you the strength to follow His plan for your life.
Memorare
REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Monicad said:
I am sorry for what you are going through, thank you for taking the time to come here and to share your painful story. You are not alone. St. Rita had the burden of a very unhappy marriage, it is a heavy cross to bear please be assured of my prayers.

It seems that somewhere, deep down that you wish to make one last effort to save your marriage. At least that is my best guess, otherwise you would not have posted here, you would have simply packed your bags and left. Since you wrote that marriage counseling through your insurance is out of the question, I would suggest a spiritual marriage retreat through Retrouvaille here is the link:

retrouvaille.org/

Until the retreat however, here is my suggestion. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you. Spend time in quiet prayer and silence. Ask Jesus to give you His EYES. Ask to be able to see your husband through His eyes even for just a few moments. You see, Jesus loves your husband. Your husband is his precious little child! Jesus loves your husband, He created him, He loves him, He created his soul and his personality and God has wonderful plans for your husband. Jesus loves your husband so much that he suffered and died for him. Jesus is so crazy about your husband that he knows how many tiny hairs he has on his head! Sometimes it can help to let go of our resentments and our anger even if only for a few moments. Try and see your husband through the eyes of Christ. God knew about your husband and planned for his creation from all eternity, he is important and God loves him! Clearly there are a lot of past hurts and there will be much work necessary to repair your marriage, but give your heart and soul a break from the anger and take a deep breath. I think it may help, even just a little. God bless you and please take care as best as you can.
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I agree with all of this!

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. I, too, am having a difficult time in my marriage. My situation is a little different as my husband is the one wanting to leave. Either way, it’s still very challenging to be in a rough time in a marriage. I believe that even if your marriage was never happy that it is truly possible to turn it around at any time.
 
You two absolutely can receive marriage counseling. My husband also works for a sensitive dept of the military (active duty) but they have no way of knowing that he does marriage counseling. We do it under my name/benefits with a civilian provider. We’ve done this with several different counselors with no issue. Another option is phone counseling which would also be kept private although you’d have to pay out of pocket. There is a great catholic telecounseling service through Greg Popcak’s pastoral solutions. Many times a Priest may be willing to provide ongoing marriage counseling which would also be kept private.

I’m very sorry that you are going through this. I can tell you that my husband has been truly awful to me and hurt me beyond belief. I can’t imagine that anyone else would have stayed with him as long as I have. However, with good counseling, we’ve finally been able to realize the root cause of his issues. I now believe that God put us together because we are the best people to help each other get to heaven. It was hard to see that before but we are both healing, learning who we really are and this learning our true need for God. A bad marriage can be a blessing. My prayers are with you.
 
Hi, I will remember you at Mass today. Also you could have Masses said for a special intention. The Mass and the Rosary move mountains.
 
I read this book when it first came out and it was helpful: Divorce Busting. I would link it but if you search for it, there’s a lot of other related resources so I’m leave finding what will help up to you 🙂 with the caveat that you can get the book at the library-if they don’t have it, you can request it through inter-library loan.
 
Thank you all for the kind words. Many of the things y’all have said I have already said to myself or heard God saying so it’s great to read it again, because it brings me more affirmation, which I need an abundance of right now. I am blessed in a sense that I wake up every morning with a renewed heart or at least I feel that way temporarily. Every morning I wake up feeling good positive and feeling as if I have forgiven and today will be a new beginning…however this quickly fades as soon as my grumpy husband walks in the door and gets angry over something minimal and then directs that anger towards me. I really lose respect for him when I see him lose his cool over nothing, it’s rather pathetic and to me displays a weak minded man in lack of control. Pathetic! And a complete turn off. Anyways now I’m getting worked up even writing about it, so it’s obvious I’m not truly healed. The advice given to me about doing something for him is good advice, although I already do many thoughtful things for him. I use to love to cater to him, it’s how I show love and it pleased me to plesse him, but he basically took it all for granted never appreciated and never reciprocated. Also, I have never been one to want flowers or jewelry or whatever. Like I said it was my fault, because at the beginning of our relationship I told him valentines was silly and flowers are a waste of money and I didn’t expect him to buy me petty little gifts to show his love and I meant it, but what I didn’t know is that he has no way of showing his love period. So now I resent everything. Anyways, I needed to vent, but I do want to save my marriage not because I love my husband, because to be honest I’m not sure I even do, but because I love God sooooo much and I truly honestly truly believe God has the power to save my marriage and transform it into a loving, happy amazing one I just need to have the strength to be able to do what I need to do to save our marriage and do whatever it takes even if it means I am doing all the work. I will do it all, I will do Gods will, I want to do it , but it’s soooo hard and I fall short so often when my emotions take over. I need prayers of strength and more wisdom. He really is such a thoughtless jerk, I think my worst fear is I will make these changes and he won’t notice them because that’s how out of touch he is with me he’s in his own world.
 
You said he has beaten you in the past and is still physically violent, at times. Violence often escalates and it is possible he could even kill you at some point. You ESPECIALLY need to get out of there before you get pregnant. Violence often escalates during pregnancy.

I agree that if it’s merely an emotional problem then Retrouvaille might be a solution. However, if there is physical abuse occurring you should not stay with him.

It sounds as if there might be reasonable grounds for a declaration of nullity, based on what you said about the wedding. You would do well to speak to your pastor about this possibility.
 
Thank you for your concern. I should clarify that he has not beaten me. He has hit me a few times and I know there really isnt a difference, violence is violence, but I just want to express that he is not really a violent man. He definitely has anger issues that he carries deep, deep, deep inside, but its not often I have seen them manifest physically. I am not afraid of him, I mean at the time I was afraid, because he is physically stronger than me and I cant stop him, but in general I do not fear for my safety and life. I still mouth off to him if that gives you any inclination. I really want to save this marriage but only if it can transform into one that’s worth saving. How do I know if mine is? How do I know if God wants me to stay. This is what I struggle with the most. I know God hates divorce. I know what my vows I said, 'for better or worse", so how can I justify leaving this marriage? I cant, not yet. I feel like I haven’t given all of myself yet, I feel like I have something left to give. I feel like I just need to be more humble and then once I know I have given every ounce of myself, then if nothing changes I will give myself permission to consider leaving. My fear is that this process is a painful, difficult and long one. I worry that by the time I come out on the other end of this I will be too old. I want children, I want a family and I have denied myself children for so long for fear of bringing them into this marriage, I also now resent my husband and blame him for denying me babies that I so desperately long for. I dont know how much longer I can hold out I am now in my 30s and if it weren’t for my age I wouldn’t feel so much fear, but I am scared that whatever I decide, be it staying or leaving it could be a tragic move. I am paralyzed by fear, but I have the urgency of needing something to change yesterday! Ive even thought about becoming a nun lol I’m not even joking. I figure I will be in my 40s by the time I wake up from this nightmare and no longer be able to have children, maybe that’s Gods plan for me? A nun?
 
Whatever you do, you need to learn to sympathize with this man you’re married to. He is a sinner, and you are a sinner. If he is shallow, that is because he was deeply hurt, probably sometime in his childhood. God the Father loved him so much He gave His Son for him.

I’m not saying you should stay with him. But you need to forgive him, and you have the opportunity to love him (even if you leave).
 
Your prayers must be working because today the whole day passed without a fight! Except for a brief moment when my husband got mad at the dog for having loose stools. He started getting angry and I gently reminded him that he’s a dog and it’s not his fault how his stomach reacts…and he actually listened to me and immediately calmed down. I couldn’t believe it! Thank you please keep praying for us!
 
You mentioned about talking to a couple of priests. But did you talk to them about your chances of annulment? I don’t know, but since you don’t have children, and the personal confusion, feelings, doubts, and circumstances under which you were married, you might have a chance. But it might be best to just do it quietly if you look into it.

By the by, if you do, print out your original post and bring it with you. You could also approach someone at the Bishop’s office about it as well.

I’m an not advising you one way or the other. But you do have a right to know this.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.
 
I’ll be praying for you and your husband.

Might I suggest this:

Pray for your husband daily. Pray for his healing. Pray that God will allow you to love your husband the way that He loves Him. And ask God’s help in understanding why He allowed the two of you to marry.

Your marriage may or may not be sacramental. But, God allowed it, so He will do good through it.

Pray for these things often, and if you can spend time praying for these in adoration, all the better. Even 5 minutes a week can bring great peace, strength, and healing.
 
Thank you. At this point I’m basically living on a prayer as I have exhausted all other avenues. I did speak with a priest twice a week for 3 months for hours at a time. He was actually a big part in coming back to my faith. He as so patient with me and answers all my questions. Anyways, at this point all I’m asking for is prayers. I need them. I am also asking Mary to give us more wine as we are all out.
 
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