I think my marriage is doomed

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duskyjewel said:
Okay, well, people do say things they may not really mean when shocked. So I guess… benefit of the doubt there. :o

I guess it really would be shocking to find this out, with society’s total acceptance of birth control pills, etc. I just wonder… this is one of the things that other churches and secular society regularly bash the Catholic Church for. I have a hard time believing that anyone living in anyplace that has any kind of media would not know that the Catholic Church rejects artificial birth control. :confused:
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Considering how many Catholics couldn’t care less what the Church says on the topic of ABC it isn’t at all surprising that he would be shocked that she’d consider it.

You do know that some priests won’t even broach the subject in marriage preparation? They will ask the necessary question “Will you accept children?” but not go beyond that to discuss ABC and NFP. Yes, in some parishes the only marriage preparation is doing a workbook and meeting with the priest after each unit. I shudder to think of our priest counselling couples on anything, particularly finances since he can barely balance a chequebook and ‘living within a budget’ is a totally foreign concept to him.
 
I’m sorry you are in this situation. I know you feel doomed right now, but I see several reasons to have hope.

First, as has been said, your use of the BC pill for medical reasons is not sinful. It is not the ideal moral situaion, so of course, if you can find another way to treat your medical issues, it would be prudent.

Second, if your dh insists on using a condom, it may not be a sin for you to do so, since you are not condoning it. I would, however, recommend talking to a priest about this one to determine if it is the best course of action for your marriage.

Third, your dh is willing to abstain from relations. I know that sounds like a negative, but look at it this way. Most men who refuse to practice NFP do so because they aren’t willing to abstain during the fertile times. So your dh already has that covered. He just needs to be convinced that it will actually work.

Check out www.ccli.org It is the couple to couple league, and they are the most well known source of info about the sympto-thermal method of NFP. The other methods of NFP are also very good, reliable etc. and may be suited for you. But CCLI has some really good literature that you can order to get you started on learning about NFP. I know I received a packet of pamphlets a while ago - one of them was about the effectiveness of NFP. It was very scientificly presented, you know with charts and statistics etc… Perhaps something like this would be appropriate to show your dh to encourage him to be willing to consider trying NFP. If he is really nervous about it, you can always start out using the most careful rules, in which the stats will really be in your favor. It would require abstaining for a good amount of each cycle, but compared to completely abstaining, it’s not as bad.

Prayers for you!
TKC
 
carjack said:
I think I will send a letter to renounce my “membership” to the Church:1. They think my marriage is invalid and 2. I didn’t choose to be baptized, my mother did. 3. I am sure there are other Christian Trinitarian Churches that I can become a member of that approve of Birth Control. I wouldn’t want to say I am Catholic(I haven’t been saying that anyway) and be a hypocrite. OR possibly just be celibate the rest of my marriage and when we are ready to have 1 or 2 children. Those will be the only two times that we will be involved in intercouse. If I decide I want to have children. If I do not have intercourse with my husband ever again, I will take the RCIA classes and begin taking the sacrements. These seem to be my choices. I will not divorce my husband. I made a vow and I am to keep it. This is my bed and I must lie in it.

God Bless adn thank you for your advice.
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I think you need to ask yourself what the most important part of marriage is. Is marriage just about having someone to talk to and have sex with? Or is marriage something deeper, something far more radical? I’d argue that it is. Marriage is a sacrament, a holy mystery. It’s really not fair to paint a picture of the Church as some puritanical boogeyman who is declaring that you can’t have sex with your husband just to frustrate you!

The Church asks her children to enter into marriage with a clear understanding of its rights and obligations, yes. But she is also always willing to help her children when they fall. Go, talk to a priest. He will NOT judge you. He’ll simply tell you what your options are.
 
Thank you everyone for your advice:D . I spoke with my husband yesterday and he said he will listen to a specialist in regards to the NFP, not that he is going to agree, but he will listen. I think he feels it is like the rhythm method. So at least he is open to that. We will see:D. I can’t say that I am going to “abandon” the Catholic Church just yet. Obviously, there is something that is drawing me to it.
 
I am torn. My husband pretty much said he will not touch me. He said that he doesn’t want children now and that NFP seems to him like he is shooting in the dark. he wants to wait until he purchases a bigger house. He said that he wants a back up, like condoms, the ones that don’t have spermicide. I speak to a GYN next month about NFP. He said that after two children, we will talk about it and he will probably get a vasectomy. I told him that I don’t agree with that. He said that “alleged” sin will not be against me, but him. He said I am the one who changed. It is not his fault that I am trying to change the plan after we get married. I am thinking of getting my tubes tied so that I will never have children or pray that I get cancer so that the choice will be removed from me. The idea of children ruining my marriage is something I rather not have to deal with. My marriage doesn’t have to be about producing children.
 
Please speak to a good holy Priest. Our host site here, Catholic Answers, has Fr. Serpa as the chaplain. I would suggest you contact him.
 
Well, your husband is actually right about two things: you did change the deal on him - radically - and he is justified in feeling blindsided. He is obviously very uneducated about NFP. And, as an atheist, he is not bound by the teachings of the Church, he doesn’t care about the rules, and so has no motivation to learn more. And, if he were to get a vasectomy, that WOULD be on his soul, not yours. As long as you do not actively help him procure the operation, you commit no sin. It is his choice, his responsibility. You can’t take away his free will.

If you choose to have your tubes tied, however, that is your responsibility, your sin.

You may have to accept that some things cannot be fixed. Be open to life, live that example. But also accept that your husband may not agree and may do differently. Continue to live your faith, while accepting that he will continue to live his. And atheism is a faith… it takes more faith to believe there is no God than to accept His existence, IMO. You cannot force him to live your faith, and he cannot force you to live his.

You may be able to save the marriage by accepting that he has not followed your faith journey (or maybe, just not yet) and not pushing it anymore. Pray, be a good example, and accept that your faith is not his and that there may be nothing you can do about it.
 
duskyjewel said:
Well, your husband is actually right about two things: you did change the deal on him - radically - and he is justified in feeling blindsided. He is obviously very uneducated about NFP. And, as an atheist, he is not bound by the teachings of the Church, he doesn’t care about the rules, and so has no motivation to learn more. And, if he were to get a vasectomy, that WOULD be on his soul, not yours. As long as you do not actively help him procure the operation, you commit no sin. It is his choice, his responsibility. You can’t take away his free will.

If you choose to have your tubes tied, however, that is your responsibility, your sin.

You may have to accept that some things cannot be fixed. Be open to life, live that example. But also accept that your husband may not agree and may do differently. Continue to live your faith, while accepting that he will continue to live his. And atheism is a faith… it takes more faith to believe there is no God than to accept His existence, IMO. You cannot force him to live your faith, and he cannot force you to live his.

You may be able to save the marriage by accepting that he has not followed your faith journey (or maybe, just not yet) and not pushing it anymore. Pray, be a good example, and accept that your faith is not his and that there may be nothing you can do about it.
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I am going to have to sin then or hopefully get the cancer I have been praying about. He is not going to control the child factor the way he has been. I am going to remove the decision from his hands. I will not live my life waiting until he has decided to have children. I will simply take away the decision and tell him that we are NOT going to have children. He doesn’t want children anyway. He only wanted to have children because I have wanted them. I might as well kiss that dream good bye. If the Catholic Church excommunicates me. Oh well. I didn’t get the other sacrements done anyway beside baptism.
 
You said that before you married, he wanted two kids, and you wanted three. So now I am confused…

Why would you choose to sin when you don’t have to? I tried to give you a way to save your marriage without resorting to sin. And what’s with all this control stuff? Your husband seems to be acting controlling because he feels very out of control on this topic. (And perhaps you are too…?) Perhaps if the pressure let up, and you two agreed not to discuss it for a while and the revisit it at a later time… he would not act so controlling about it. Especially if you were to tell him what I suggested above, about him letting you live your faith and you letting him live his.

🤷
 
carjack said:
I am going to have to sin then or hopefully get the cancer I have been praying about. He is not going to control the child factor the way he has been. I am going to remove the decision from his hands. I will not live my life waiting until he has decided to have children. I will simply take away the decision and tell him that we are NOT going to have children. He doesn’t want children anyway. He only wanted to have children because I have wanted them. I might as well kiss that dream good bye. If the Catholic Church excommunicates me. Oh well. I didn’t get the other sacrements done anyway beside baptism.
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carjack,

I sense hurt and anger in your post, and I am very sorry for the difficulties you are facing. It is unfair for your husband to control when you, as a couple, will have children. And it would be unfair if you did that to him. I’m sure you can see that.

Please, do not do anything too hasty. Take time to learn about the Catholic Church and why she teaches what she does. There is great beauty to God’s law.

God bless you!
 
duskyjewel said:
You said that before you married, he wanted two kids, and you wanted three. So now I am confused…

Why would you choose to sin when you don’t have to? I tried to give you a way to save your marriage without resorting to sin. And what’s with all this control stuff? Your husband seems to be acting controlling because he feels very out of control on this topic. (And perhaps you are too…?) Perhaps if the pressure let up, and you two agreed not to discuss it for a while and the revisit it at a later time… he would not act so controlling about it. Especially if you were to tell him what I suggested above, about him letting you live your faith and you letting him live his.

🤷
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You probably are right. I am just extremely frustrated and questioning my future:confused: I feel like I am losing hope.
 
This obviously isn’t about children, or changing the rules after marriage. We’re in the middle of a control struggle by two people in a marriage. They both want to dictate to the other who will decide when and how many children they will or will not have.

To the OP, many people struggle with this legitimate issue in the marriage, your are being rude and disrectful by pretending that this is the issue you ar ediscussing. As such, it is even a form of trolling.

Maybe you should re-state your problem in a more honest thread and see if anyone comments then. I, for one, find your behavior offensive.
 
GhostMan said:
This obviously isn’t about children, or changing the rules after marriage. We’re in the middle of a control struggle by two people in a marriage. They both want to dictate to the other who will decide when and how many children they will or will not have.

To the OP, many people struggle with this legitimate issue in the marriage, your are being rude and disrectful by pretending that this is the issue you ar ediscussing. As such, it is even a form of trolling.

Maybe you should re-state your problem in a more honest thread and see if anyone comments then. I, for one, find your behavior offensive.
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it was about changing the rules after marriage and children. I am frustrated. If your are offended. oh well. I wasn’t put on this earth to please you. I started this thread because I am frustrated. obviously you didn’t read the whole thread. Sorry you couldn’t give me more productive advice. The way I stated my issue was just fine. Thank you very much.
 
You want advice, fine: suborn your pride, reconcile with your husband, your faith and your God. Put yourself last in your marriage and become a servent. Stop being a petulant child having temper tantrums and making threats to your husband and to God. (praying for cancer).

Grow up, act like a woman who is married and has responsibility.

That better? Didn’t think so. Please resume making excuses for your behavior.
 
GhostMan said:
You want advice, fine: suborn your pride, reconcile with your husband, your faith and your God. Put yourself last in your marriage and become a servent. Stop being a petulant child having temper tantrums and making threats to your husband and to God. (praying for cancer).

Grow up, act like a woman who is married and has responsibility.

That better? Didn’t think so. Please resume making excuses for your behavior.
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Be a servant. I don’t think so. I entered the marriage hoping that I had found my best friend and partner for life. There is no threat to my husband. He is making the decisons. He wants to buy a house first. He owns one! I am not threatening God. I am asking him to give me cancer on my reproductive organs so that I do not have to deal with this child issue. I am newly married and their is a lot of pressue. Your advice was not productive, it was made out of malice and was uncharitable. I am not making excuses for my behavior. Please learn how to give advice, because you have no idea about what you are talking about. You are obviously a man and have NO idea of what I am going through. I hope you are not Catholic because you are not acting charitable.
 
carjack–

You don’t want cancer. And you don’t want infertility. What you do want is a better marriage and children someday and a good Catholic faith. Just pray for that.

I’m sorry you and your husband are having this struggle right now…but try to see it as an opportunity for your relationship to grow. My husband and I have gone through some tough times lately and it really took an effort on both our parts to try to turn our sadness or disappointment into something positive.

So do something relaxing–pray that God works things out and then sit down with your husband and just hug him. Tell him you know this is difficult for him and that you just are trying to be a good person but you have so much to learn. And then put the subject aside for awhile and just try to focus on having a better relationship with your husband.

It’s not about being his servant…it’s about being his friend, his wife, and the one who loves him second only to God.

kevinsgirl
 
There is much more going on in your marriage than just this issue. You seem to swing from one spectrum to the other. I see that you are frustrated but, forgive me if this sounds offensive, but your responses sound very childlike. As in if “I can have things my way I’m taking my toys and going home” type of tantrum.

Also how very dramatic of you to pray for cancer. My sister died from cancer. For all us who have been touch by the disease it is very offensive to read such a careless comment. I pray you never know what kind of horror cancer truly is.
 
rayne89 said:
There is much more going on in your marriage than just this issue. You seem to swing from one spectrum to the other. I see that you are frustrated but, forgive me if this sounds offensive, but your responses sound very childlike. As in if “I can have things my way I’m taking my toys and going home” type of tantrum.

Also how very dramatic of you to pray for cancer. My sister died from cancer. For all us who have been touch by the disease it is very offensive to read such a careless comment. I pray you never know what kind of horror cancer truly is.
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Rayne,

I am sorry that I offended you. My dear aunt died from cancer and so did one of my best friends.

Sorry Guys. I have a lot of issues to work out. I really wanted children. I hope it happens. I hope my husband will change his mind. Cause at this point, I am losing hope. 😦 .

Ghostman,

Sorry I offended you. The thread was about the topic orginally and then I went some other course. I was giving an update. I really do feel that my marriage is doomed. I feel as if my life is doomed. I am so suicidal right now. My husband WONT touch me, if I get off the pill. That makes me feel so awful :crying: I have to stay on the pill so he will touch me. If I continue to make love to my husband while on the pill, I am going to hell. I have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 5 years and been married for almost 3 months. I have waited for a lot of things while he is planning. I have had tantrums recently, which is odd because I so docile most of the time, when it came to my husband who I love dearly. I am constantly thinking that I am going to hell. I can’t talk to my husband because he doesn’t believe in hell. But I am living it. I don’t want to be on this earth anymore. But if I kill myself I am going to hell. So i thought God may be merciful and kill me, because I am so much pain. So if I offended others because of my frustration I am so sorry.😦
 
carjack said:
Be a servant. I don’t think so. I entered the marriage hoping that I had found my best friend and partner for life. There is no threat to my husband. He is making the decisons. He wants to buy a house first. He owns one! I am not threatening God. I am asking him to give me cancer on my reproductive organs so that I do not have to deal with this child issue. I am newly married and their is a lot of pressue. Your advice was not productive, it was made out of malice and was uncharitable. I am not making excuses for my behavior. Please learn how to give advice, because you have no idea about what you are talking about. You are obviously a man and have NO idea of what I am going through. I hope you are not Catholic because you are not acting charitable.
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I think that what GM meant by servant, is how Jesus meant the term…we truly are to be servants to God, first, and to each other, second. To ourselves, last. That will actually bring you the most joy you can ever imagine, in life, and in your marriage.

I understand what you are going through to a degree. I think the main problem with what is happening between you and your husband, has more to do with that he is an atheist, and just not on the same page with you. I know emotions run high with this type of thing, but please please…don’t ever wish yourself to have cancer. My gosh, no. My dad died from cancer…it’s not something I’d ever wish on a soul.

My prayers are with you that you and your husband work this out.
 
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