I think my marriage is ending

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Pinkyyy

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I have been very depressed the last few days and am feeling out of it. My husband is never happy and says he will be if he leaves me. I am not thin enough and not smart enough for him he says. He is just always hurting me in one way or another - always verbally mean to me and other things. I even wrote on here how he tried to get into a strip club and I found after the fact a list of about 10 strip clubs on a paper in his things when he said he just tried to go to that strip club on a spur of the moment because his friends asked him to take him there. Well that was a lie - it was planned and the list proved that. I am still very mad over that. He says if I am so mad over it, why don’t I just leave. I am hurt because he is not the person I once knew. People even have told me he’s “heartless” now.

I just don’t see a fix to this - I don’t want to be controlled and he loves to control everyone around him. even though it’s probably for the best, I am still hurt and really mad. He told me last night that after our child’s birthday this weekend I should take him and leave and we’ll “still be friends”. I said if after the way he’s treated me and things he’s done that if he thinks he can just move on with someone else, leave us behind and that we will still be friends, he needs to know that we will never be friends once it’s over.

I am just depressed and I just can’t get through to him anymore. He’s just too far gone. Funny thing is his family has no idea how he treats me and they would blame me anyway if they knew - they are twisted. His brother filed for divorce from his wife after dragging their marriage on year after year when he knew she couldn’t have children. He got her pregnant anyway on purpose and they had to terminate. Finally now he says he wants kids and filed for divorce. When my SIL told my husband this, he told her that he was “next”. What a jerk. How can I have conflicted feelings over him when I know he is a jerk?
 
I am so sorry for you and will pray for you.

How long have you been married?

Whatever you do, **don’t leave the house!!! **

It sounds like he’s encouraging YOU to take the initiative on this. DON’T DO IT!

If he’s talking this way now, then he’s been thinking about it much longer and what’s more important? He’s been talking about it with friends and co-workers and more than likely to those who’ve had divorces and are now giving him heads-up 20/20 hindsight advice.

I don’t encourage divorce at all, but when it appears not to be your choice and it’s snowballing towards you anyway? You have to get advice and information regarding your rights. If you leave a property, you’ll always be deemed the one to “abandon” it and that will not bode well for you in the courts. You have to protect not only your rights, but your son’s as well.

May God be with you during these most difficult times. :signofcross:
 
I will pray for your situation. Please know that no matter what happens know that God loves you very much and even if your husband ends up leaving you, God will never leave you. If you stay close to Jesus, He will help you through this, and lead you along the path of His will for your marriage.
 
*****I agree with the above poster…do NOT leave that house…
Second, seek solid legal counsel…quickly. Just to be prepared.
Third and most important…keep praying.

I’m so sorry this is happening! I’ll be praying for you. *
 
wife4life said:
I will pray for your situation. Please know that no matter what happens know that God loves you very much and even if your husband ends up leaving you, God will never leave you. If you stay close to Jesus, He will help you through this, and lead you along the path of His will for your marriage.
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I agree with this advice. I will be keeping your family in my prayers too.
 
thanks for everyone’s thoughts and advice. I am just sick of being jerked around. He was very threatening and scary last weekend and he terrified me. He told me to leave before the sun was up so I did - I packed everything and went to easter service and was leaving town when I got a message saying he was sorry and he had something for our son if i wanted to leave (which he said he understood if I wanted to leave after his behavior but that he was sorry). Then when I get home he asks me to stay. Then two days later, he’s saying leave again. I can’t stand the back and forth.
 
Pinkyyy said:
thanks for everyone’s thoughts and advice. I am just sick of being jerked around. He was very threatening and scary last weekend and he terrified me. He told me to leave before the sun was up so I did - I packed everything and went to easter service and was leaving town when I got a message saying he was sorry and he had something for our son if i wanted to leave (which he said he understood if I wanted to leave after his behavior but that he was sorry). Then when I get home he asks me to stay. Then two days later, he’s saying leave again. I can’t stand the back and forth.
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You should never have to feel terrified of your spouse. That’s just not right. It sounds like you need a third party to get involved., someone who can judge this situation from the outside. A third party does not include family members or close friends from either side. I’m thinking your parish priest might be the best bet. He can help you sort all this out. Please call him up today.
 
Pinkyyy said:
thanks for everyone’s thoughts and advice. I am just sick of being jerked around. He was very threatening and scary last weekend and he terrified me. He told me to leave before the sun was up so I did - I packed everything and went to easter service and was leaving town when I got a message saying he was sorry and he had something for our son if i wanted to leave (which he said he understood if I wanted to leave after his behavior but that he was sorry). Then when I get home he asks me to stay. Then two days later, he’s saying leave again. I can’t stand the back and forth.
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If you decide to stay…your husband needs serious counseling. The more I read, the more I’m convinced he is abusive. Abusive men/women do not change, without serious counseling, and an effort to change. REAL effort, not idle apologies, to lure you back, and gain your trust…and then bam, he hurts you again, when you let you guard down. That is no way to live…Please recommend counseling to him, and hopefully, that will help him see the hurt he is causing you and the marriage. But, without that, he will continue to repeat these patterns, and you will be living on edge always. I hope things get better, with God, all things are possible. His grace is sufficient enough. :o
 
I beg to differ a bit about leaving the home. Don’t wait until he’s physically abusive. If you are afraid, now would be the time to leave…while you are able.
If the home is in both your names, it can be sorted out later if that’s what needs to be done.

Kathy
 
I disagree with the previous posts that you should not leave the house. I wonder about safety not only for you but your child as well. He might be only verbally abusive now and may not get physical, but he may start something else. OK I watch waaayyyy too much Law & Order. I don’t go for divorce either, but from what I have read divorce is the only way out and to keep you sane. To me he has broken his vows to love,honor, and cherish. Do you know if he is having an affair? Make sure if you do decide to divorce, get a GOOD lawyer, heaven only knows what your husband will say or do to make you look bad. Don’t forget to file for an anulment. Keep praying. When it seems as though Jesus has left you, that is when He will be the closest. Think about the poem Foot Prints and the last verse when He says He carried you. That always helps me, though I worry about Him straining his back carrying me!! :D.

Good luck with everything, I will keep you in my prayers. :console:
 
For those of us who suggested for her to stay at home…it was before the post where she is ‘terrified’ of her husband. I think he should leave…and frankly, I’d be calling the police and getting a restraining order, if I were terrified of my husband. 😦
 
Pinkyyy,

Call this number… 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) before you do anything else. They will walk you through what you need to do. You are in a rapidly deteriorating situation and you need to take action. Please do this for the sake of your son. You are in an abusive relationship that you are going to need to get out of.
 
Pinkyyy said:
thanks for everyone’s thoughts and advice. I am just sick of being jerked around. He was very threatening and scary last weekend and he terrified me. He told me to leave before the sun was up so I did - I packed everything and went to easter service and was leaving town when I got a message saying he was sorry and he had something for our son if i wanted to leave (which he said he understood if I wanted to leave after his behavior but that he was sorry). Then when I get home he asks me to stay. Then two days later, he’s saying leave again. I can’t stand the back and forth.
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Call your Pastor so he can suggest some outside help, you husband sounds like he is in serious need of a good confession and some intervention. I will pray for your family and I believe that your Pastor will be able to get you the information you need. If you don’t want to be in that situation again, you need to call him today and request an emergency meeting with him as soon as possible and give a little info (on his voice message) if he isn’t immedialty available. That’s what I’d do.
 
whatevergirl said:
I think he should leave…and frankly, I’d be calling the police and getting a restraining order, if I were terrified of my husband. 😦
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YES YES YES Pinky protect yourself NOW, don’t wait until he gets physically abusive. The law is on your and your child’s side, CALL THE POLICE AND ALSO GET A LAWYER. Explain to them that your husband is threatening you and you are afraid of him getting physically abusive. Also, has he been physically abusive to you in the past? If he has been, you must tell that to the police and to your lawyer. Also ask the police to put you in contact with a shelter for abused women, they have experience and should be able to help you with getting legal representation and physical protection. Act now, you must not wait until he hits you.

Oops, I just saw Dulcissima’s post. Pinkyyy, call that number NOW. We at this forum want to know that you are safe and in good hands. Please call the number and keep us posted.
 
What everyone else said. Call that Safeplace number now.

Sadly, the people most in need of confession are often the very ones least likely to seek it out.

The “push-me pull-you” garbage abusers do is diabolical. By the time they are finished you don’t know whether you are up, down or sideways. Don’t let him do that. It dangles false hope.

You are not conflicted about him. You see him very clearly. What you are mourning is the death of your image of him. That makes you sad. The dream is dead. Mourn it, not him. Someone who treats their wife and child like this doesn’t deserve sympathy.

If your friends and others are telling you things about him now, be prepared for major shocks when they hear he is out and you are on your own. Then they’ll really start talking.
 
Please contact your Parish, Catholic Charities and get some spiritual help as well as good advice.
 
I recommend concretely that you go here so you can plan.

I’ve also heard it recommended for you to start keeping a journal of the days, times, places of abuse to help you later. This man is a stranger. You’re a reporter, reporting on him. Matter-of-factly, with as little emotion as possible. This will help you remember later.

There’s a difference between reporting later, he said our son was scum and …

April 14, 2009. He said our son was just like me, was scum and worthless. He yelled it at me 10 times in 15 minutes while the baby was screaming. He also said I was worthless, couldn’t make him happy and why don’t I get get my [bad words] out. He said that numerous times, perhaps 20 or so. I had cowered in a ball in the corner while he was screaming at me because I was afraid he’d hit me.
 
What you are mourning is the death of your image of him. That makes you sad. The dream is dead.
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this, THIS is your mantra. don’t forget this. this is what’s true about your conflicted feelings. This and ONLY this. what you see in him is who he is. what you grieve is a lost mirage.

regincaeli made excellent suggestion on how to report-- clearly, succinctly, specifically.

remember, pinkyyy, the cannon law of the church says you may separate, may seek divorce if remaining with spouse is a burden, or dangerous. the church says in those situations, one may seek divorce to protect one’s interests and the interests of the kids. get a lawyer.

pray continually for your protection and the protection of your child.

expect NO support-- either emotional or tangible-- from his family.
 
I reviewed some of your previous posts and noticed that your husband is diabetic. Include in your journal, as much as you’re able, his glucose levels at the time this is happening, as well as any dietary stuff (like he ate a bunch of Easter candy on such and such day, then he was raging this day, this day, this day).

The diabetes doesn’t excuse what’s happening, but my father had diabetes and he wasn’t pleasant to be around when his glucose levels weren’t in control (not like what you’re describing). You’re not responsible for if his levels are out of whack, but it might be good, as much as you’re able, to note that with the other things. Perhaps there’s no correlation at all.Perhaps you suspect there is, but you’re not sure. Just observe and write it down, to be reviewed when you’re safe.

Even if there is a correlation, even, for instance, if he has heart disease and not enough blood is going to his brain and it’s affecting his behavior, even if you find out later this is the case, you need to protect yourself and your child NOW. It’s not up to you to save him.

Because if this marriage is over and he wants to fight for some custody, and you’ve noted dispassionately in your journal that there’s a correlation between his gluclose levels and his behavior, that could be considered when considering custody arrangements.
 
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