I think this will help, but I need to ask

[33rdSunday]

Writing this forum post here, and just searching the forums in general, has helped me. I’m struggling with the typical male addiction of porn/masturbation.

Except, I keep telling myself, or the devil does, that I’m different. Not that because I’ve done it for 20 years of my life (and have been Catholic since 2004; I’m 32 years old.) but that because I am recently a widower.

My wife of 5 years passed away about a week ago. I’ve been so lonely, stressed, tired, and exhausted that I’ve found myself having those night dreams where you wake up and have had… well, emissions. Sure, those are not sins.

However, I just finished writing her eulogy, cried a lot, and started surfing around random sites. Came across one that lead to another, and while I stopped myself (yay!) to come write this, I fear I will fall back into the “hug” that is masturbation, while I am alone in the house, tired, and/or stressed.

Pushing that “stop this” button is hard, and I can pray and all of that - but maybe keeping a journal will help - the action of writing thoughts out may exercise my mind enough to keep my mind off of sin.

See, I worry that I will be forever separated from her. She has had her sins absolved, in fact just a few minutes before death. She passed away in my arms and I promised myself that I would NEVER sin again, in the moral fashion, for fear I would be forever unable to meet her in heaven. Yet, I can feel the devil tugging at my feet, trying to pull me down. I closed those bad sinful browser windows - but wanted to write my thoughts here.

Does anyone have any advice? I just want to feel close to my wife again. I miss her so much.

Thank you.

 

[VonDerTann]

33rd Sunday, I’m very sorry for your loss.

I can only offer that you are clearly under a great deal of stress and are dealing with a lot of churning emotions and shock. Those things can make us feel/do all sorts of things we’d not otherwise do if we were not under their influence or were in a “right state of mind.”

 

[OscarsMama]

I am so sorry for your loss!!!

Relax. Pray. Go to confession. And, don’t… and I repeat DON’T be too hard on yourself. Let yourself grieve. You just experienced a huge loss. Give yourself a break. Now, I don’t mean just have a free-for-all sin-fest. That is not what I mean. But treat yourself well and be encouraging to yourself. Time will not take away pain, but it will make things a bit clearer to deal with.

One day at a time.

 

[Ashton_Gaskill]

As a good friend once told me: “The devil tries hardest to pull those down who most threaten his desires”. Satan knows how great you are, how much potential you have, and how much of God’s Love you can bring to this earth. That’s why he’s trying so hard to pull you down.

I’m sorry about your loss, and I understand your challenge (to an extent at least). Try your hardest, pray often, and go to confession, talk to a priest about everything from this challenge to your desire to not be separated from your wife for eternity. I’m sure a trained priest will have better words than I.

 

[oneofmany]

I am sorry for your great loss. I would suggest to give yourself time to grieve. There are stages to it. If you don’t know about them you can look them up online.

Can you get a software program that filters out porn? A lot of parents get it to protect their kids. It’s not hard to find.

Losing your wife means losing the ability to have sexual relations and you don’t know what to do about that. Is there a support group for widowers in your area plus a support group for men in general? My hubby goes to a men’s group once a week and they have a lot of info on being “the man you want to be.” He really likes it. They talk about every subject that affects men. Also, some places have support for those who have become addicted to online porn. A lot of Christians have a problem with that now with the Internet being so available. One cannot hardly avoid it now.

I pray you can feel better soon but I know it takes time. Just remember—IT WILL GET BETTER.