I want a bf but no guy asks me out

[Demetra2]

But if a person isnt meeting anyone and marriage isnt happening or prospective, then that may not be a persons vocation after all?

Wouldn’t you agree that sometimes what God calls us to do isnt always what we want?

NO to the first question. When marriage doesn’t happen it may just mean that you have missed your vocation for some reason known only to God. But it doesn’t usually mean that you should decide your vocation is now to the religious life.

 

[awke]

Yes, this is what my friends say.

Sorry, online dating is just not really my thing.

Online dating can seem challenging or awkward. But once you join and meet up with a few people, you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it earlier. I resisted online dating for years, but ended up meeting my wife through an online dating site.

I believe in God’s will so it has to be God’s timing/etc. Maybe this is just a plea to God and that is all.

God’s will could also be that you take more action.

 

[Sereta]

It’s OK, but the light blouse washes out her face. If you google for more pictures of the actress, she looks 10X better in normal life–softer, prettier, smiles more. She looks really good with soft curls.

Yeah she’s quite lovely.
I think the expression here is what’s more offputting then the outfit itself.

 

[underacloud]

I am 35, pretty ok looking, and play music in town and I just moved to Portland but nobody ever asks me out. I have played at church services all my life and absolutely no guy in the Catholic church asks me out., except for once and I was not performing, but it didn’t work out because he was not very conservative. I even play multiple services sometimes.

I don’t get it.

What am I doing wrong???

I believe in God’s will so it has to be God’s timing/etc. Maybe this is just a plea to God and that is all.

Part of my issue is, I had a premonition of who my husband is. So every other person is not my husband, so it’s like I’m just waiting around. I feel like it’s true but also it’s not practical, nor is it socially acceptable to say “well, God already told me who he is”. So it’s frustrating and sets me apart. I don’t get it, either.

I don’t get this thread.

You believe in God’s will/timings and believe He gave you a premonition, but you have come here to ask advice anyway. And then you’ve pretty much knocked back all advice offered, and fall back on expecting God to deliver your husband without putting in any real effort on your part.

There’s a real contradiction there.

Firstly, I’d discuss your premonition with a priest, to try to get some guidance. It is a long custom for faithful Catholics not to rely on their own judgement in such matters, but to seek advice from a spiritual director or pastor. I’d do that.

Secondly, I believe that we cooperate with God in bringing about His will for our lives. There is no harm in “putting yourself out there”. Your future husband has to meet you somehow, and unless an angel leads him to your door, I think you should accept the idea that effort on your part will be required.

 

[Lorelei12]

I don’t get this thread.

You believe in God’s will/timings and believe He gave you a premonition, but you have come here to ask advice anyway. And then you’ve pretty much knocked back all advice offered, and fall back on expecting God to deliver your husband without putting in any real effort on your part.

There’s a real contradiction there.

Firstly, I’d discuss your premonition with a priest, to try to get some guidance. It is a long custom for faithful Catholics not to rely on their own judgement in such matters, but to seek advice from a spiritual director or pastor. I’d do that.

Secondly, I believe that we cooperate with God in bringing about His will for our lives. There is no harm in “putting yourself out there”. Your future husband has to meet you somehow, and unless an angel leads him to your door, I think you should accept the idea that effort on your part will be required.

Yeah, it doesn’t make sense. Lily, if you believe that you know who you are “supposed” to marry, what difference does it make if anyone else asks you out?

God doesn’t just deliver the things we want to us, just for asking. And in this instance, remember that the other person in the relationship has to want it, too. If, in fact, God had someone “in mind” for you (which I do not believe is Catholic teaching at all) you would have to somehow meet him, he would have to be free to marry, and he would have to want to marry you. The attitude that there is one right person out there for you also damages a lot of marriages, because it makes it seem like you don’t have a choice. How many people have left their spouse because someone came along and they convinced themselves that they married the “wrong” person the first time?

You say that you are frustrated because you had this premonition and now God isn’t “delivering”. I’d second the advice to seek the counsel of a priest or spiritual adviser. You are the one who is frustrating herself, by choosing to believe what you do. It doesn’t have to be that way.

 

[runningdude]

I am 35, pretty ok looking, and play music in town and I just moved to Portland but nobody ever asks me out. I have played at church services all my life and absolutely no guy in the Catholic church asks me out., except for once and I was not performing, but it didn’t work out because he was not very conservative. I even play multiple services sometimes.

I don’t get it.

What am I doing wrong???

You need to ask guys out yourself! (That is how my girlfriend found me )

 

[iwillrisenow]

I wish people would stop telling those with a vocation to marriage to consider a vocation to the religious life. You are comparing apples to oranges and it isn’t helpful. The OP said MARRIAGE not religious life.

YES to this /\ I’ve noticed that whenever a single woman posts about difficulty finding a spouse, the inevitable “maybe you’re meant to be a nun/single for life” post pops up in the thread…and anyone who has ever been single and not wanted to be knows very well that this can be like a nail in the coffin. I’ve also noticed that single men rarely get the same treatment, nor do those discerning religious life (no one says “maybe you’re meant to be married” in that case). Single women are also shamed for expressing their desire for a spouse more often then men (it’s OK for a woman to know her vocation and not immediately launch into an aggressive campaign to find him at all costs). I’ll just let that one sit there…

OP, what you’re facing can be difficult, humiliating, and painful…I know all too well from experience. Recently I came across a book called It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single by Sara Eckel. She does a pretty solid job of attacking the most common “issues” that are often unjustly tacked on 30 plus single women, and draws attention to some of the strengths that we develop (or can develop) just by virtue of surviving on our own for so long. It’s worth a read, especially if you find yourself frustrated with all the improvement project suggestions thrown your way.

All the best to you, OP-- you’ll be in my prayers.

 

[otjm]

Yes, I joined some groups and have had a few divorced Catholic men, with kids, seem interested but I don’t know about getting into a relationship like that. I figure, they are still kind-of married to each-other so it seems wicked to date them.

There are issues with anyone who has children from a prior relationship, and they are different from a person who does not have children.

If they have received a decree of nullity, then there is no moral impediment to a relationship with them and possible marriage.

However, you are making choices; as long as you realize that your potential spouse is someone you will not consider, because of children, that is fine.

Everybody carries baggage. Everybody has issues, and no on is a perfect fit.

It isn’t really all that hard to have a cup of coffee with someone; everyone needs friends, and yes, men and women can be friends without having to have that relationship go any further than just that. But unless you are willing to open up and let God in, you may reject a number of potential men.

 

[Sarcelle]

YES to this /\ I’ve noticed that whenever a single woman posts about difficulty finding a spouse, the inevitable “maybe you’re meant to be a nun/single for life” post pops up in the thread…and anyone who has ever been single and not wanted to be knows very well that this can be like a nail in the coffin. I’ve also noticed that single men rarely get the same treatment, nor do those discerning religious life (no one says “maybe you’re meant to be married” in that case). Single women are also shamed for expressing their desire for a spouse more often then men (it’s OK for a woman to know her vocation and not immediately launch into an aggressive campaign to find him at all costs). I’ll just let that one sit there…

OP, what you’re facing can be difficult, humiliating, and painful…I know all too well from experience. Recently I came across a book called It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single by Sara Eckel. She does a pretty solid job of attacking the most common “issues” that are often unjustly tacked on 30 plus single women, and draws attention to some of the strengths that we develop (or can develop) just by virtue of surviving on our own for so long. It’s worth a read, especially if you find yourself frustrated with all the improvement project suggestions thrown your way.

All the best to you, OP-- you’ll be in my prayers.

Actually I have seen posts suggesting the priesthood in response to single men lamenting the fact that they cannot find a wife. Single men get the “maybe you’re meant to be a priest” while single women get the “maybe you’re meant to be a nun” response. Very predictable.

 

[Sarcelle]

But if a person isnt meeting anyone and marriage isnt happening or prospective, then that may not be a persons vocation after all?

Wouldn’t you agree that sometimes what God calls us to do isnt always what we want?

I agree. God sometimes answers our prayers in a way we are not expecting.

However, I must repeat that failure to get married does not ALWAYS translate to a vocation in religious life.

 

[njlisa]

I know a woman who was looking for a conservative Christian man. She used an online dating service and found this guy pretty quickly. They are very well suited in terms of religious outlook. They are now married and they seem very happy.

You might want to go that route.

God bless you! (And don’t forget to pray.)

 

[Xantippe]

Actually I have seen posts suggesting the priesthood in response to single men lamenting the fact that they cannot find a wife. Single men get the “maybe you’re meant to be a priest” while single women get the “maybe you’re meant to be a nun” response. Very predictable.

Yep.

 

[chevalier]

You aren’t necessarily doing anything wrong, but getting leads and turning leads into conversions requires some good copy and a lot of footwork, whether it’s selling carpets or dating.

Increase your exposure so you have more prospects to process. Start by registering on Catholic dating websites and wherever else you can reasonably hope to find men to your liking.

There’s a bunch of free copywriting resource on the Internet and probably a professional photographer around the corner. Unload some serious bucks on the photographer for stunning visuals and round out with a good header (max 9 words) and long copy (max 250 words, preferably in bullets or manageable paragraphs). Whether you choose to appeal to and win the heard or the mind (or both) depends on your style and what kind of man you want to attract.

Try to get some feedback from women who have been successful and from male friends whose judgement and discretion can be trusted.

Personally, I’m still single but I’ve learned a lot about copywriting.

 

[lily22]

How did this premonition come about and what was he like?

It came during church and best explained it was like 2 angels, or 2 saints together. it was God’s vision of marriage, perfect, not mine!! No one here could ever subscribe to it. But-- it elevated my standards so high for marriage that it’s like it would have to be St. Joseph himself. Obviously, this is impossible.

 

[lily22]

I don’t have any money to join a dating site. I will have to be single, I suppose! I socialize a lot, but I think it’s God Will. Whatever He wants, is what I will do.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t have any money to join a dating site. I will have to be single, I suppose! I socialize a lot, but I think it’s God Will. Whatever He wants, is what I will do.

Do make sure you don’t have any self-defeating runaway-bride-sort-of pattern, though, where you really want to achieve something but are closing off any opportunities that come by because of fear of failure.

 

[lily22]

Ok, thanks. I had a terrible thing happen to me last year. I basically lost a family. So, I am afraid of reaching out.

 

[Xantippe]

Increase your exposure so you have more prospects to process. Start by registering on Catholic dating websites and wherever else you can reasonably hope to find men to your liking.

There’s a bunch of free copywriting resource on the Internet and probably a professional photographer around the corner. Unload some serious bucks on the photographer for stunning visuals and round out with a good header (max 9 words) and long copy (max 250 words, preferably in bullets or manageable paragraphs). Whether you choose to appeal to and win the heard or the mind (or both) depends on your style and what kind of man you want to attract.

Try to get some feedback from women who have been successful and from male friends whose judgement and discretion can be trusted.

I’d be a little careful about going too far with the photography, as a common complaint is that people look nothing like their online dating profiles. (And no old photographs, of course–a single guy friend used to complain about this a lot. The women he was meeting were using 10-15 year old photographs.) It should still look like you–just you on your very best day.

I believe the OP may have already said that online dating is not her thing.

 

[BeingSaved]

Are there available men that could be somewhat interesting to you in your vicinity?

Are you really good looking, in your opinion? Sometimes men shy away from really good looking women, for the wrong reasons.

You could start talking to single men more, you don’t need to flirt exactly, but chat them up and take the time to get to know a few of them. Do the same with Christian couples you know, everyone knows other people and this way you will be introduced to other people.
Couples love setting singles up, ( if you can handle it) just go ahead and meet their friends, no pressure, and see if anyone clicks.

I have had the experience of the ‘click’ happening with people with whom I never expected it to occur.
I have had a click happen toward men that at first did not seem to be my type and for whom I did not even have a physical attraction on first and many sightings.

Later the physical attraction happened because of who I found the person to be on the inside,…and this changed me into having a total attraction for them, in one instance it was a through the roof attraction.

Not every man has movie star looks, but men turn into movie stars for the woman involved, when she gets to know the man’s inner self and she really likes him.

What I am saying is that your Prince Charming may work or live in your circle already and you have yet to lift his lid and look inside and discover him.

If when you are chatting up a few men, you notice signs of interest on their part, I would not say that you should ‘come right out and ask them out, in a blurting out kind of way,’
but instead employ feminine wiles by suggesting some event or something that interests them that is occurring nearby,…and …hint…that you are also interested.
Give them an opening in other words,…your chatting them up should clue them in that you find them somewhat interesting,…and leave an open door, a few times, because men think in linear ways,…they have one track minds at a time,…so some men may not pick up on your hints, unless he already has that in mind toward you,…

A man may be like you are, you kind of have a physical type in mind that you might want in a date, however, they may need to grow and learn to explore what the woman is inside and they too can have an attraction develop through what is inside the woman.

this is the healthier way for attraction to develop, as ie. my friend quickly got divorced from a clothing model he married out of infatuation for her good looks. (he is not a born again believer in Christ) He fell for her stunning good looks, and confided in me after the divorce, that into the marriage her good looks were not even noticed by him any more, because he fell into hate for who the woman really was.

Immediate physical attraction is only on the outside to draw people to one another, sexual attraction that is toward the whole person, from the inside of who the person relaly is the best kind of attraction and can only develop as you get to know the person…

so chat up the single men around you and see what happens, and go further,…
set them up with ideas that fit their interests,.with you along.

You can even ask someone you are getting to know to accompany you places of interest to them and get the man to talk about himself. Men love to talk about themselves and will tell you everything you need to know to make your decisions on. by sahying this I am not saying they are self centered, I am just saying it is a part of how they are made and they
are basically simple creatures, not complex, and easy to understand, though totally different from the way we are made. by saying simple, I do not mean they are not highly intelligent and intellectual I mean they are mostly straightforward,…and easy to know, although they have definite male ways that are opposite to our female ways.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

I don’t have any money to join a dating site. I will have to be single, I suppose! I socialize a lot, but I think it’s God Will. Whatever He wants, is what I will do.

You want God to put someone in your life? You got to help Him by getting out of the house otherwise He doesn’t have the opportunity to put someone in your path. Can’t afford dating sites? They’re not for everyone, true, but they’re not that expensive. You might try waiting for their introductory special prices and being ready with good photos and good copy. If it doesn’t work, at least you tried it. Main idea behind all of these get-out-of-the-house suggestions is you got to go where the single men you might be interested in are likely to be. And one more suggestion: look around at Mass. A man sitting by himself a few rows over might be worth talking to. Maybe it’s not him, but he’s got a friend, you never know about these things.