I want a daughter! :'(

[Faith0]

My darling and I have six children, too. They are all girls. I figured a boy would have been nice a few kids ago, but by the time the last ones were coming along, I figured it was just as well to have them all the same kind. They can share toys and clothes, and I know how to deal with them now.

I figure I can wait for boys until some or the other of the girls get married.

I think the same…It’s with this pregnancy that I find myself being hormonal…I thought I had gotten over it, but when some people say such comments it gets to me and makes sad not to be able to experience having a daughter. I felt very sad yesterday, but today I’m way much better…I can almost say that I am over it But I might just feel the same later when it’s brought up again.

 

[Faith0]

We have 5 sons and adopted a daughter through a foreign country 21 years ago. We now have 4 daughters in law (who feel like real daughters), and 5 grand daughters, so we ended up getting lots of daughters. We also have 6 grand sons! Everything will work out like God wants it to!!

Beautiful!

 

[Faith0]

You might consider foster adoption. After raising 2 boys on my own, I married again and we adopted 2, a boy and a girl.
I love my adopted children as much as the biokids, absolutely. And foster adoption was not difficult and doesn’t really cost anything, though of course foster children come with baggage. Our daughter was 10 months old when she came to us. There are too many infants in foster care. I am so happy we have her, I would hate to think of her being bounced from foster home to foster home all her life.
She’s 16 now. All that said, I have to say boys are much easier than girls. She knows how to push all my buttons. She sometimes locks herself in her room and won’t come out except to criticize me. It’s work, and I’m not very successful at it. I know she will be all right in the end, she still goes to church with me, and does very well in school, but there are daily struggles.
And we had about 2 years of frilly pretty clothes, now she won’t be caught in a dress except once when she went to a dance with her best friend.
Boys seem much more relaxed and laid back, even when they’re misbehaving.
I do wish I could have had more children though. They keep us young.
I should mention that my older boys, the biokids, absolutely love the younger ones. Adoption was never an issue. They all get along great.

Foster care sounds interesting given that it sounds like it’s not that difficult to do. I know what you mean by saying that boys are much easier…poor mother of mine, I was an only child and often found myself arguing with her for the littlest things, but I love her to death now and I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything. I think it made me bond more with her than with my father

 

[aloe]

Your feelings are not uncommon, I don’t share them but I have heard them before. All around me it sometimes seems that girls are favored over boys. Sayings like “a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life” and seeing the relationships adult sons have with their mom/dad vs adult daughters have with their mom/dad in my life. Having people say I had my daughter so I am done having kids now. I have also seen studies that said parents of girls are happier in general.
I take these with a grain of salt. All I know is that I am happy to be a parent and feel very blessed to have kids at all. With 6 sons you will be very blessed in all your years with a big family, house full of activity, many great memories of love and life and fun!

 

[7armyrugrats]

I think the same…It’s with this pregnancy that I find myself being hormonal…I thought I had gotten over it, but when some people say such comments it gets to me and makes sad not to be able to experience having a daughter. I felt very sad yesterday, but today I’m way much better…I can almost say that I am over it But I might just feel the same later when it’s brought up again.

Of course you are hormonal–you have twice the hormones!!! You are carrying twins, that is to be expected. I do completely understand that often as moms we do have these feelings, especially during pregnancy and very soon after birth. Our hormones are all messed up, we don’t feel like ourselves, we don’t get nearly enough sleep, etc. Ignore the negative people.

 

[Sarcelle]

Here is the scoop…Hubby and I have 4 sons and I’m on my 5th pregnancy with twins…They are boys, too. I’m already 35 weeks and feel grateful for so many wonderful things in my life. Before aynone begins to bash me about “well, there are many people who wish they had kids…” or “be grateful for what you have…” I just want to vent and say that I feel gender dissapointment…I mean 6 kids and all males…I can’t come to understand WHY? Yes, I’ve tried 4 times for a girl and they’ve all been boys. I love my boys and feel that I am not young anymore to keep trying for a girl. I like the idea of adopting a girl, but since I don’t have a problem with having children of my own (atleast up to now) I feel that I can keep trying…plus I’ve heard that it’ll probably be much harder to adopt specifically a girl, well I guess I can just keep trying for a girl…It’s frustrating…I was told they were boys since week 17 and that totally crushed me. I kind of got over it, but every once in a while it gets to me specially people’s comments “Oh! Not one girl?!” “All boys!?”

I see little girls everywhere except at home and often wonder…“How is that possible???”

Ok, you can bash me all you want now (I forgive you because you might not have a clue as to what I’m feeling since you might not have felt it before…EVER…), but no matter what happens, I will still want a girl always and forever if I never get to have one…

:’( It’s like a DREAM just died and I can’t bring it to life. I feel like I will never feel what it’s like to have a daughter…I’ve been mourning this since I found out the twins were boys…I love kids and love my boys, but I WANT A GIRL or 2…

P.s. I even went to confession for this and was told that it’s ok to question God once in a while…That he forgives us because he loves us and wants to make us understand someday WHY? why things happen :’(

Ok…there…I vented a bit…now I would like to read your wise comments (not hurtful ones).

First, congratulations!

I agree with your priest when he said that it’s okay to question God once in a while. You reminded me of my friend’s mom when I was in high school. He was one of five boys and his mom was pregnant again. He, his parents and all of his brothers were hoping for a girl. They did get that little girl. She was the spoiled baby of the family.

 

[Regina_Love]

You’re right. I don’t understand. Probably because I can’t have a boy or a girl and you have been pregnant 5 times already. You likewise probably can’t understand how a post like yours upsets me and others like me.

However, I do pray that you accept the blessings God has given you and His Will for you. We both can relate to the need to accept God’s Will for us.

I understand! My dream was to just get pregnant. I never could. Your dream is to have a girl, “so far”, you haven’t. It hurts not to be able to make a dream come true! It’s hard when you’d love to find a way to make it happen. We both share the sadness of the loss of a dream!

You have a right to your dreams, and I hope it works out for you! I made my dreams come true by adopting two beautiful children.

 

[dedo]

I think its o.k. to be sad about areas of your life that you would like to have enriched with a different kind of love.

We don’t have children, so I know how you feel.

I also wanted a daughter.

I am not sure how it will play out – whether we will end up with one or whether the desire for a daughter will turn into something positive in some other respect.

For me its an incentive to move closer to God – so hopefully He will direct this need in the right direction.

 

[EasterJoy]

First of all, I have been through a lot in infertility and then adopting 3X internationally, Being upset because God didn’t give someone the sex they wanted is totally different than not having a biological child of one’s own. There is grief and then real grief. Being upset in a spoiled way because I want to vent about having 6 boys instead of some girl is what is being discusted here. I mentioned right now there are prayer requests over miscarriages and loss of children or sick children. This is not real grief at all but a pity party and there is a difference and your response to me is over the top. I cry for the miscarriages and sick children, not having the sex you think you deserve borders on the selfish and immature and is not grief. I am sure those that loss a child in Sandy brook feel the same way.

Did I depose you from your spot on the grief wall of fame? I don’t remember doing that. I don’t remember implying whatsoever that you would lose if we were to turn this thread into some sort of grief competition. My point was that there is no reason this needs to be turned into a competition!

I still don’t know when you became the arbiter of what people could feel grief about, and why you feel that putting yourself in that position puts you on some kind of a moral high ground. People feel grief because they lose jobs. They feel grief because they have to leave their home town. They feel grief because they broke up with a boy they had a crush on who would have been awful for them anyway. Yes, they can even feel grief because they got pregnant when they didn’t want to! They feel grief any time they have a hope that is dashed. I think if you look back on your own life, you’ll find a few times when even you felt grief over something that worked out better in the long run not having turned out as you hoped. Does that mean your feelings were false?

Besides, how does it hurt you or demean what you went through to admit that maybe she actually hurts over this? When someone is coming to terms with something like that, is it really necessary to point out that you have had it worse than they do, and to throw in a lecture about how they are immature? Maybe you haven’t had the privilege of spending a lot of time as the only woman surrounded by men and boys and not another female in the house for years on end, but it has its trials, trust me on that, and I say this as someone who is wild about boys. I think those of us who’ve been in a similar situation know whereof she speaks.

At any rate: If You Can’t Say Something Nice, Would It Kill You To Just Leave Her Alone?!

 

[Mrs_V]

At any rate: If You Can’t Say Something Nice, Would It Kill You To Just Leave Her Alone?!

 

[peacoat]

I know a grown family of 11 kids. 6 boys and 3 girls. It was 5 boys, one girl, 3 boys, 2 girls.

The girl in the middle of the boys often wished she was a boy. The two youngest girls sometimes also wished they were boys becuase growing up in the 60’s they missed out on doing what their brothers could…sports, etc.

I grew up in the 90’s with 3 brothers, and their friends a family with 5 brothers. It’s HARD being the only girl. I can’t tell you how isolating it feels to be a girl among brothers. My mom tried to make it up by doing things with just me when my brothers went off to scouts, but it always felt like it was forced and my brothers always ended up needing twice as much attention after anyway.

I was somewhat of a girly-girl, too. I think the post-teenage college years were the best for my mom and me, but now she has two DIL and I really don’t feel as if it’s any better she has a daughter. I could of been a boy and she’d be just as happy.

I actually would dissuade you from adopting a girl…or even two girls… while the boys are young. It should be a family decision that everyone talks about, even the boys. They will need to understand that not only are they getting girls, they are getting children with a different background then them and untangling that can be hard.

Your grief is no less real, but remember that God looks out not only for you, but for your children. I grew up wishing I was a boy and could participate in scouts and so many things. My brothers are guys so they aren’t “close” per-se but they are closer to eachother than I am to them.

Sometimes I wonder if God would of answered my wish as displayed in some families. In my friend’s family where they had 2 much older daughters and then 5 sons I often feel like God answered one of their prayers and they were a pack of boys. So who knows.

 

[peacoat]

First of all, I have been through a lot in infertility and then adopting 3X internationally, Being upset because God didn’t give someone the sex they wanted is totally different than not having a biological child of one’s own. There is grief and then real grief. Being upset in a spoiled way because I want to vent about having 6 boys instead of some girl is what is being discusted here. I mentioned right now there are prayer requests over miscarriages and loss of children or sick children. This is not real grief at all but a pity party and there is a difference and your response to me is over the top. I cry for the miscarriages and sick children, not having the sex you think you deserve borders on the selfish and immature and is not grief. I am sure those that loss a child in Sandy brook feel the same way.

Right. First off, there is more to this than being ungrateful about children.

There’s the fantacy “I’d be happy to have 6 children even if they were all sons” and there’s reality…having 6 sons.

I have 3 brothers and we were friends with a family of 7…two girls and 5 boys. Boys are different than girls for the most part…even tomboy girls. They are rough and tumble for the most part and things seem to break under their fingers. They (as a whole) tend to be louder, noiser and while it seems that age 6-10 are best for girls, after 3ish boys hit a time that they just seem to be full of energy and accidental distruction.

So you now have a pregnant woman who is dealing with 4 other tornados who is now pregnant with two more children. “Gender disappointment” dosn’t beign to describe the horror I’d feel (atleast initally) if I was facing a house worth of 6 boys…even if I could train them to put the toiliet seat down, not eat worms, not make lincolyn logs into projectiles, etc, etc.

I’m not even married and I’d love any number and gender of children, but I hope for a mix…being a girl among boys was hard and I hope that any daughters I had would know the love of a sister, and if I had girls, I hope their girlshness could be tempered by the rough love of brothers (I also know a family of 7 girls). They were entirely petty and giddy…even the tom boys. They were much loved, but it was obvious they didn’t have brothers.

 

[Faith0]

Robwar, go post your bitter comments somewhere else. You seem to be so perfect yourself that it “seems” or you want it to make it “seem” like if you are.

Let me tell you, you sound more unhappy than everyone else here. I did not start this thread to begin a fight or to begin insulting each other, but someone has got to do something to put a stop to it. I hope the moderators delete your messages that have totally derailed from the topic. I just wanted to share some feeling as a human being. You shouldn’t be disgusted by any of it because you don’t know all the facts. You are judging and you probably know that is not right and you shouldn’t be and this is where I need to remind you. It seems to me that you are not happy with your children (regadless) and you simply have become bitter and like to bash at others ideas and opinions when it comes to children in general. I am no one to judge and neither are you. How dare you!? How dare you point at any of us who share the same thoughts and opinions?! You are no one and I don’t know you. I’ll I can do for now is pray so that you can find peace because it doesn’t seem to be finding you. I can see your unhappiness on your constant bashing on others.

You are mean and you have no idea of the facts. I can clearly see your unhappiness. I’m over the feelings I had a couple of days ago. Everyone goes through stuff like that. Don’t come telling me you haven’t or don’t. You just don’t like to share it because you probably afraid people will bash you like the way you do. We are all sinners including you.

Learn these:
Corporal and Spiritual Works of Mercy

Here is a link: catholic.org/encyclopedia/view.php?id=7903

Sorry that you are so unhappy and bitter.

 

[Faith0]

First, congratulations!

I agree with your priest when he said that it’s okay to question God once in a while. You reminded me of my friend’s mom when I was in high school. He was one of five boys and his mom was pregnant again. He, his parents and all of his brothers were hoping for a girl. They did get that little girl. She was the spoiled baby of the family.

Yup! All my boys were hoping for a girl, but we are all excited that they are boys and much more twins. I do feel that I would love to have a little girl regardless of whether she is adopted or not. I am weak like that at times and for some people to come and post mean comments and begin bashing and judging makes me totally sick. I’ve spoken to a couple of priests already and not one treated me in such a mean way. I guess because they know me first hand and it’s different when you know someone and you can say certain things. Sigh…All I can do for now is pray for forgiveness if I have wrongful feelings (at times). Not something the priests pointed out when I spoke to them during confession. That is why I feel so at peace with myself!

God Bless!

 

[Faith0]

Did I depose you from your spot on the grief wall of fame? I don’t remember doing that. I don’t remember implying whatsoever that you would lose if we were to turn this thread into some sort of grief competition. My point was that there is no reason this needs to be turned into a competition!

I still don’t know when you became the arbiter of what people could feel grief about, and why you feel that putting yourself in that position puts you on some kind of a moral high ground. People feel grief because they lose jobs. They feel grief because they have to leave their home town. They feel grief because they broke up with a boy they had a crush on who would have been awful for them anyway. Yes, they can even feel grief because they got pregnant when they didn’t want to! They feel grief any time they have a hope that is dashed. I think if you look back on your own life, you’ll find a few times when even you felt grief over something that worked out better in the long run not having turned out as you hoped. Does that mean your feelings were false?

Besides, how does it hurt you or demean what you went through to admit that maybe she actually hurts over this? When someone is coming to terms with something like that, is it really necessary to point out that you have had it worse than they do, and to throw in a lecture about how they are immature? Maybe you haven’t had the privilege of spending a lot of time as the only woman surrounded by men and boys and not another female in the house for years on end, but it has its trials, trust me on that, and I say this as someone who is wild about boys. I think those of us who’ve been in a similar situation know whereof she speaks.

At any rate: If You Can’t Say Something Nice, Would It Kill You To Just Leave Her Alone?!

It’s ok EasterJoy… Robwar doesn’t understand people in general. Robwar doesn’t know better. I forgive Robwar. I just wanted to let Robwar know my thoughts about that behavior. I dislike Robwar’s comments that are mean. I do not dislike Robwar as a person because someday Robwar can turn around and see what is being done wrong. We all make mistakes and atleast I hope that someday Robwar will see that and understand…It’s good for the soul.

Much love and blessings!

 

[7armyrugrats]

Right. First off, there is more to this than being ungrateful about children.

There’s the fantacy “I’d be happy to have 6 children even if they were all sons” and there’s reality…having 6 sons.

I have 3 brothers and we were friends with a family of 7…two girls and 5 boys. Boys are different than girls for the most part…even tomboy girls. They are rough and tumble for the most part and things seem to break under their fingers. They (as a whole) tend to be louder, noiser and while it seems that age 6-10 are best for girls, after 3ish boys hit a time that they just seem to be full of energy and accidental distruction.

So you now have a pregnant woman who is dealing with 4 other tornados who is now pregnant with two more children. “Gender disappointment” dosn’t beign to describe the horror I’d feel (atleast initally) if I was facing a house worth of 6 boys…even if I could train them to put the toiliet seat down, not eat worms, not make lincolyn logs into projectiles, etc, etc.

I’m not even married and I’d love any number and gender of children, but I hope for a mix…being a girl among boys was hard and I hope that any daughters I had would know the love of a sister, and if I had girls, I hope their girlshness could be tempered by the rough love of brothers (I also know a family of 7 girls). They were entirely petty and giddy…even the tom boys. They were much loved, but it was obvious they didn’t have brothers.

Finally somebody who can put into words EXACTLY what I want to say!!! As the mother of 5 boys and 2 girls I can assure you there are major differences in the two genders. Yes my girls are Tom boys, yes they are rough and tumble, but still they are gentler and more dramatic than boys can ever be. I couldn’t imagine someone NOT wanting to experience both genders of children in their family. It has nothing at all to do with favoring one over the other, it is just natural to wonder how things would or could be. No one even bats an eye when men voice their desire to have a child of one gender vs the other. Why is it different for women? If it weren’t normal then why is the “ideal family” always pictured as one boy AND one girl? Why do so many people “keep trying” for the gender of child they haven’t had yet? As a natter of fact, when I finally had my girl after 3 sons, a lady at Mass told me “Congratulations, you can finally stop now!” it was just assumed I wouldn’t have more kids because I “got my girl.” Yes, I had prayed for a girl and was so thankful to have a daughter, but I was not opposed to more sons either. I’m sure that is how many moms are, and dads too.

 

[KellyPalmer]

Yup! All my boys were hoping for a girl, but we are all excited that they are boys and much more twins. I do feel that I would love to have a little girl regardless of whether she is adopted or not. I am weak like that at times and for some people to come and post mean comments and begin bashing and judging makes me totally sick. I’ve spoken to a couple of priests already and not one treated me in such a mean way. I guess because they know me first hand and it’s different when you know someone and you can say certain things. Sigh…All I can do for now is pray for forgiveness if I have wrongful feelings (at times). Not something the priests pointed out when I spoke to them during confession. That is why I feel so at peace with myself!

God Bless!

Hugs to you! Yes, I can’t imagine a Priest treating you in such a way as some of the responses you’ve gotten. I can’t imagine a Saint treating you in such a way either, for that matter. I look at some of these responses and see some behaving as Saints and others, well…

Some people can become blinded by their own self-righteousness to see another person’s pain. Pain is not a competition. If we follow some of the logic presented here, then only the person in the world with the most tragedy can experience grief. There’s always someone else who has it worse. Feelings are just feelings. It’s what we do with those feelings that really matters. We can’t turn off our feelings, even if some stranger on the internet things we shouldn’t have them. Yes, we live in a culture that creates subjective morality based on feelings but sometimes some people take things too far in the other direction like the puritans. We can’t just pretend that feelings don’t exist in response to a feel-good-culture. Doing so only results to buried feelings that tend to come out in other not-so-good ways.

Thankfully, there have been some beautiful and helpful responses here and I hope that you will take those to heart and ignore the rest.

 

[Faith0]

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and please be assured of my prayers for you. As you say you had a dream that just died and so feelings of disappointment are natural and you are probably feeling a little guilty on top of that which is natural too.

My suggestion: turn to the Blessed Mother. Imagine her as a young Jewish girl dreaming about her future. It is possible that she day-dreamed of a life with a large beautiful and loving family and also future grandchildren. She perhaps, like you, when she was younger dreamed of having a beautiful daughter to love. Her own life turned out quite different, only one child a son that died. I am sure when she was younger that was NOT her dream. I know Mary trusted in God and loved God and was obedient to God, however she was also sad too. She loves you and can help you through the negative feelings that you are having.

Your children are part of God’s perfect plan and yet it is not what you dreamed about. Jesus knows that this would be a heavy cross for you. He knows your hearts desire and yet he is saying “no” to a baby girl at least for now. Jesus also knows what it is like to ask for something and have the Father say “no.” He didn’t want his cross just as you don’t want yours.

Through prayer you will be able to embrace this, and hopefully one day will delight knowing each child you have was perfectly meant to be and that if God decides never to send you a baby girl that is perfect too. Easier said then done to embrace the will of God but I pray you are able to, thank you for sharing your story it was hard to write I can only imagine. God bless you.

I agree! Thank you for your post. You do have a very tactful manner of saying things right. That is something I lack and atleast one person posting here, too.

God Bless!

 

[Faith0]

Hugs to you! Yes, I can’t imagine a Priest treating you in such a way as some of the responses you’ve gotten. I can’t imagine a Saint treating you in such a way either, for that matter. I look at some of these responses and see some behaving as Saints and others, well…

Some people can become blinded by their own self-righteousness to see another person’s pain. Pain is not a competition. If we follow some of the logic presented here, then only the person in the world with the most tragedy can experience grief. There’s always someone else who has it worse. Feelings are just feelings. It’s what we do with those feelings that really matters. We can’t turn off our feelings, even if some stranger on the internet things we shouldn’t have them. Yes, we live in a culture that creates subjective morality based on feelings but sometimes some people take things too far in the other direction like the puritans. We can’t just pretend that feelings don’t exist in response to a feel-good-culture. Doing so only results to buried feelings that tend to come out in other not-so-good ways.

Thankfully, there have been some beautiful and helpful responses here and I hope that you will take those to heart and ignore the rest.

Exactly! Thank you! All I can think and understand is that some person or two here are wishing the worst on everyone else. Almost like “I hope you go through what I have gone through and feel what I am feeling someday or worst!” Very bitter and unhappy. We are here to spread LOVE not these negative feelings or bad wishes. Geez…

 

[KellyPalmer]

Finally somebody who can put into words EXACTLY what I want to say!!! As the mother of 5 boys and 2 girls I can assure you there are major differences in the two genders. Yes my girls are Tom boys, yes they are rough and tumble, but still they are gentler and more dramatic than boys can ever be. I couldn’t imagine someone NOT wanting to experience both genders of children in their family. It has nothing at all to do with favoring one over the other, it is just natural to wonder how things would or could be. No one even bats an eye when men voice their desire to have a child of one gender vs the other. Why is it different for women? If it weren’t normal then why is the “ideal family” always pictured as one boy AND one girl? Why do so many people “keep trying” for the gender of child they haven’t had yet? As a natter of fact, when I finally had my girl after 3 sons, a lady at Mass told me “Congratulations, you can finally stop now!” it was just assumed I wouldn’t have more kids because I “got my girl.” Yes, I had prayed for a girl and was so thankful to have a daughter, but I was not opposed to more sons either. I’m sure that is how many moms are, and dads too.

Well said! And because the Catholic church is one of the few that acknowledge the very real differences between males and females, I would have thought Catholics would be more understanding on this issue. And thankfully it seems that some are.

I have always wanted girls and boys and to have a big family. The only reason I thought specifically about girls is because my husband comes from a family of all boys. We didn’t find any girls born into the family as far back as we were able to trace. The only women were married into the family. But the desire for boys in this world is much higher than the desire for girls. I know someone said the opposite earlier in this tread but I have researched that before and it’s definitely boys that are more desired. It brings tears to my eyes to think of all the unborn baby girls who have been aborted just because they were female.

Any who, I think it’s completely natural to want a family with both sons and daughters.