I want a daughter! :'(

[KellyPalmer]

Did the OP state that in her original post? No, she did not say “ I’m sad because I don’t have a daughter and I want my boys to experience the joys of growing up with brothers and sisters”. She said she had tried four times for a girl and instead got boys and that she was crushed that her twins were both boys.
I’m going off of what she said in her original post, not what she may or may not think in her head or truly feel in her heart. All I can respond to is what was written. I cannot judge (and it would be wrong to do so) what is in the OP’s heart. What I can do is respond to what she wrote, which I’ve done.
And on the other issue you brought up, I can assure you that while my mother-in-law may not have verbalized her desire for a daughter or rejection of her sons, it was absolutely felt by ALL 6 boys and had far reaching consequences, beyond what I am willing to share in this public internet forum. Consider for a moment if my mother-in-law never verbalized her dissatisfaction and the profound impact her feelings still had on her sons, what reading a post like this might do to the OP sons if they ever discovered this in the future.

You say that all you can respond to is what is written, yet you responded to her on something she did not write – she didn’t tell us that one way or the other. I think it’s safe to say that OP’s feelings extend quite a bit further than what she typed in one internet post. I know that I could spend hours typing up my feelings on this topic and probably fill up 10 pages of posts without fully expressing my thoughts. I’ve been thinking about this for more than a decade and have considered many many angles. Let us not be unnecessarily harsh against someone who was reaching out in a moment of weakness upon the still-fresh news that her dreams of a mother/daughter relationship will likely never come true.

I’m personally not very convinced by secondhand hearsay, the intimate details surrounding people’s lives who aren’t here to speak for themselves. Beyond that, I would think that if the OPs sons saw this post when they grew up, they’d give their mother a big hug and have compassion and empathy towards her for what she felt in her past. I would hope that I will be able to raise my sons to show such charity instead of the intense self-righteousness I have seen in some reactions here.

 

[KellyPalmer]

Totally agree:thumbsup:

I have to third this

 

[KellyPalmer]

I don’t think it’s fair to characterize posters who gave their honest opinion as vicious and I find it ironic that you mention sensitivity. Apparently only the OP and the posters who agree with her are allowed to be sensitive, but posters who share their own or their husband’s personal experience as a children in similar situations are being “sensitive” and “overdramatic” when they talk about their very real feelings of pain and rejection.
I am not being overdramatic when I say that my husband as well as his brothers have deep, deep issues directly related to his mother’s reaction to her unfulfilled desire for a daughter. As far as the “men don’t complain” comment; my husband has shed tears over this.
Do I think that this is what will happen to the OP’s sons? No, I don’t. Because the OP has explained that perhaps her OP wasn’t worded well. Perhaps she was being overdramatic; she doesn’t really feel this way.
I responded to what was said in the original post, to the deep dissatisfaction and disappointment I heard in her original post. And if a mother was truly that hurt, that crushed, that disappointed about the gender of her children, it WOULD impact her children. Where is the compassion for *them *?

It is possible to have compassion for the OP and remain compassionate to others who have suffered from situations not caused by the OP.

 

[7armyrugrats]

I don’t think it’s fair to characterize posters who gave their honest opinion as vicious and I find it ironic that you mention sensitivity. Apparently only the OP and the posters who agree with her are allowed to be sensitive, but posters who share their own or their husband’s personal experience as a children in similar situations are being “sensitive” and “overdramatic” when they talk about their very real feelings of pain and rejection.
I am not being overdramatic when I say that my husband as well as his brothers have deep, deep issues directly related to his mother’s reaction to her unfulfilled desire for a daughter. As far as the “men don’t complain” comment; my husband has shed tears over this.
Do I think that this is what will happen to the OP’s sons? No, I don’t. Because the OP has explained that perhaps her OP wasn’t worded well. Perhaps she was being overdramatic; she doesn’t really feel this way.
I responded to what was said in the original post, to the deep dissatisfaction and disappointment I heard in her original post. And if a mother was truly that hurt, that crushed, that disappointed about the gender of her children, it WOULD impact her children. Where is the compassion for *them *?

This is exactly my point about being too sensitive. People are too easily offended.

 

[Gwendolen]

I am not going to engage in a discussion of whether or not my perceptions that I was a “try” for a boy, and my dad was disappointed was just my perception, again, the suggestion that I am just being “dramatic” or unable to move on, or my pain is the result of being female, and I’d have been upset no matter what the gender mix, is condescending.

Instead, go back and read the OP. Imagine that you were the 4th, 5th 6th or 7th child of the same gender in a row, and as, say, a 12-14 year old, you found this old post (as the OP was written) that your mother made. Or an old letter or email with these thoughts. How would you respond? What would be your feelings? Seriously, you don’t think there is at least the potential a child could be adversely impacted by this? Maybe not every kid, but at least one of these children could be seriously hurt by the attitude displayed in the OP.

I really hope that it is as the OP says, she was just having a bad moment.

 

[EasterJoy]

The main thing is that the OP always tells her boys, “I would have loved to have had a daughter, too, I would have loved for you boys to have had a sister, but I wouldn’t trade any one of my boys for six of anyone else’s, boy or girl, because you are each a blessing chosen especially for our family by the hand of God Himself! No one could be more wanted than any of you!!”

The OP can hardly stress that too much, she can hardly make too big a deal about how much she loves to spend time with each of her boys and her boys as a group, because those boys are going to notice how she also loves to be around little girls…that cannot be helped! She can’t hide the feelings, they will probably misunderstand her feelings if she tries to hide them, and so she had better explain her feelings with sensitivity to the boys feelings and the big picture of how she feels about her family.

She may still have a daughter. In that case, she had better be very careful not to favor her, either, particularly since she’ll be among the youngest. That little girl will have been sent for her brothers’ benefit, as well, and their parents need to keep that in mind. They will ruin the whole thing, if they spoil her.

 

[aloe]

One man said to me, “4 boys!” and I said “Yes”, then he asked, “Are they all yours?” I said “Yes…” to which then the man responded, “I bet you are looking for the girl!”.

Another lady’s jaw dropped when she asked if they were all mine and if I was expecting a girl this time.

Some comments from people when they see me with my 4 boys like “Awww, are you going to keep trying for the girl?” or give me a weird stare like if I’m a weirdo for having all boys. If those are said to me in a time where I’m feeling down (like hormonal during this pregnancy), I got to admit that they do get to me.

What do you say to these rude people? Perhaps any time strangers comment on your family asking if they are all yours you should say, “yes, I am so blessed” with a big real smile. Or “thank you for your interest, I am so happy to be their mother”. Or when they say you are going to keep trying for a girl, say “and why would I want to do that?” Or say “what an interesting assumption.”

 

[Faith0]

I’ve come to realize that it’s been us women who have contributed to all the drama in this thread. It gives me an idea of how it would be to have a daughter …
Given that, I don’t think I am as desperate now to have a daughter as I was when I first began the thread…LOL! Too much drama.

Blessings to all and may the new year 2013 bring lots of great things into your lives!

 

[robwar]

I agree.

That;s how I took it as well. I also thought the mentioning of other people’s issues in the OP (ie. infertility, etc) was done in such a way to say, "yeah, I know other people have those issues, but I’m experiencing “gender disappointment” as if it was her grief that was greater. IAnd now other posters are up in arms about the one or two posters that talked about some sort of grief competition. Seriously?

exactly! I am very disappointed in this thread and the fact that it has degenerated into ridiculous attacks on others that share a different predictive that the OP which looks like a lack of acceptance of God’s will for her family. To be accused of being angry, unhappy or bitterness could not be further from the truth. To have poster make such attacks and then laugh about it as female drama shows maybe why they don’t have girls. To equate what should be maybe a struggle with God’s will to full blown grief is equally beyond the ridiculous. To think someone what the right to post what they feel about whatever and then not want to be held responsible for what they post or not want some honest assessment and response to their rantings show immaturity and hopefully their children later in life will not see what their mothers thought about having one sex over another.If any of those who accused me of anger or unhappiness even bothered to read any of my other posts which covers a wide varieties of issues can easily see I am none of those things. The last thing I am not is angry, unhappy or bitter about God’s will in my family life. i feel very fortunate and blessed, even after losing one child in a miscarriage. Finally, I greatly wish the moderators would shut down this thread and discipline those that made unwarranted attacks on other posters because they have an honest and different perspective. I think that is my biggest disappointment of all.

 

[mommamaree]

I’ve come to realize that it’s been us women who have contributed to all the drama in this thread. It gives me an idea of how it would be to have a daughter …
Given that, I don’t think I am as desperate now to have a daughter as I was when I first began the thread…LOL! Too much drama.

Blessings to all and may the new year 2013 bring lots of great things into your lives!

This flippant remark does a disservice to women, daughters, sisters, and mothers everywhere.

Being a daughter myself, as well as a sister, and also a mother with two daughters, I find your attitude offensive and distasteful. And as a mother with a son, I find the attitude in your OP alarming and sad.

 

[robwar]

It is possible to have compassion for the OP and remain compassionate to others who have suffered from situations not caused by the OP.

Op and some of the others struggle with accepting what God’s will is for their families. That is not grief or a loss. To equate this with real loss, miscarriages, infertility, sick or dying children is beyond the beyond. Read some of the prayer requests and some of them are truly heartbreaking and get a real perspective of real grief and loss. This come across whether it was meant to or not as the God owes me certain type or sex or number or whatever in children and when that didn’t happen, I am so disappointed in God because God didn’t do what i wanted. That is this whole thread in a nut shell. Our children are temporary gifts not trophies of how many or what type and to equate someone’s struggle in acceptance of what God’s will is for their family to some kind to unwarranted compassion is just that, silly female hormone running amuck.

 

[robwar]

This flippant remark does a disservice to women, daughters, sisters, and mothers everywhere.

Being a daughter myself, as well as a sister, and also a mother with two daughters, I find your attitude offensive and distasteful. And as a mother with a son, I find the attitude in your OP alarming and sad.

THANK-YOU very much!

 

[NSFrame]

I guess I just don’t get it. It seems like if you lucky enough to become pregnant, you should be prepared that God will either give you a boy or a girl (or I guess it could be boy/girl twins). My point being, I don’t get why people put so much expectation into something you literally have no control over. To me it comes across as spoiled to feel this much disappointment over what God has blessed you with.

And it’s not grief “competition” when someone brings up that many people are unable to have children and to keep that in persepective. Infertility and children dying are undeniably sad events. Sick children and those with disabilities have very difficult lives. But simply being a boy? I can’t see how a healthy child is anything but a blessing.

 

[mommamaree]

Here is the scoop…Hubby and I have 4 sons and I’m on my 5th pregnancy with twins…They are boys, too. I’m already 35 weeks and feel grateful for so many wonderful things in my life. Before aynone begins to bash me about “well, there are many people who wish they had kids…” or “be grateful for what you have…” I just want to vent and say that I feel gender dissapointment…I mean 6 kids and all males…I can’t come to understand WHY? Yes, I’ve tried 4 times for a girl and they’ve all been boys. I love my boys and feel that I am not young anymore to keep trying for a girl. I like the idea of adopting a girl, but since I don’t have a problem with having children of my own (atleast up to now) I feel that I can keep trying…plus I’ve heard that it’ll probably be much harder to adopt specifically a girl, well I guess I can just keep trying for a girl…It’s frustrating…I was told they were boys since week 17 and that totally crushed me. I kind of got over it, but every once in a while it gets to me specially people’s comments “Oh! Not one girl?!” “All boys!?”

I see little girls everywhere except at home and often wonder…“How is that possible???”

Ok, you can bash me all you want now (I forgive you because you might not have a clue as to what I’m feeling since you might not have felt it before…EVER…), but no matter what happens, I will still want a girl always and forever if I never get to have one…

:’( It’s like a DREAM just died and I can’t bring it to life. I feel like I will never feel what it’s like to have a daughter…I’ve been mourning this since I found out the twins were boys…I love kids and love my boys, but I WANT A GIRL or 2…

P.s. I even went to confession for this and was told that it’s ok to question God once in a while…That he forgives us because he loves us and wants to make us understand someday WHY? why things happen :’(

Ok…there…I vented a bit…now I would like to read your wise comments (not hurtful ones).

I have highlighted some very alarming statements you make here.
First of all, the term “gender disappointment” is scary to read, especially from a Catholic, because despite being illegal, sex-selective abortions abound (even here in America) and have resulted in serious imbalances in the boy-girl ratios of births, especially in China and India.
Also, you repeat how crushed and how grieved you are that your twins are boys a couple of times. You mention that a dream has died. These is extreme language you use, over babies that are healthy.
Girl children are not a right or a commodity that one can demand or obtain in a bargain with God or anyone else. You talk about “get(ting) one” and “WANT(ing) one” as if a child is an object to acquire. You need to think about how this language sounds.
You asked for wise comments. You specified “not hurtful ones”. But the way I read it, almost all of the comments to which you object were quite wise. You perhaps feel that they were hurtful because you felt personally offended that those posters did not just affirm your feelings. But here is the thing…you invited wisdom, and a Catholic forum is not supposed to be an echo chamber. Your extreme language in your OP was quite shocking, and it was not thinking that was sane or Catholic. People were rightly concerned, about you and your sons. They WERE offering a wise perspective. Pushing back and turning the whole thread into a joke, that ends up being disparaging to womankind is not the way to resolve a serious conflict, internal or otherwise.

Ok, you can bash me all you want now

Care to retract that statement? Because despite the fact that I saw no bashing being done, you repeatedly pushed back against posters who strongly disapproved of the extreme language of your posts and acted like they were unfairly bashing you. And yet, you actually invited them to do just what you became offended by, from your very first post.

 

[Aggies08]

I know a family errily similar to yours.I also know one with 8 girls in a row.

The only thoughts I have are to try and surrender to God, and hope he has lots of female grandchildren in store :/.

 

[mommamaree]

I guess I just don’t get it. It seems like if you lucky enough to become pregnant, you should be prepared that God will either give you a boy or a girl (or I guess it could be boy/girl twins). My point being, I don’t get why people put so much expectation into something you literally have no control over. To me it comes across as spoiled to feel this much disappointment over what God has blessed you with.

And it’s not grief “competition” when someone brings up that many people are unable to have children and to keep that in persepective. Infertility and children dying are undeniably sad events. Sick children and those with disabilities have very difficult lives. But simply being a boy? I can’t see how a healthy child is anything but a blessing.

Beautifully said.
I am a mother of 2 daughters, 1 son, 2 saints in heaven, and one more on the way. The only thing we should put our hope in is the Lord. We can pray that we have babies that are healthy and strong and are capable of surviving. But I would caution any mother against praying for a child of a specific gender. Sure, it is okay to think it would be nice to have a child of a specific gender, but to place our hopes and dreams on a child? That is not fair to the child, and it is placing our wants ahead of the will of the Lord in our hearts. It is a form of idolatry, and one that is particularly dangerous to mother-child relationships.
As sad as it was when I lost my babies, especially the one I lost earlier this year, it really helped me to keep my perspective. Mothers are not in control of our fertility, despite what our society would have us believe. Male or female, healthy or strong, it is all within the Lord’s hands and according to His will. I place my hopes in the Lord, and trust to Him the outcome of any pregnancy, while acknowledging that I might experience joy or grief, pleasure or disappointment. This is my 6th pregnancy now, and I have definitely learned how the Lord blesses us each time, whatever the outcome is. When the Lord brings a disappointment or grief into our lives, He also hides within it the seeds of a much greater joy. We must resign ourselves to His will and begin to look at what God wants for our lives instead of clinging to our delusions of having any control over life or death.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’ve come to realize that it’s been us women who have contributed to all the drama in this thread. It gives me an idea of how it would be to have a daughter …
Given that, I don’t think I am as desperate now to have a daughter as I was when I first began the thread…LOL! Too much drama.

Blessings to all and may the new year 2013 bring lots of great things into your lives!

Dear one, I understand how you might want another female in the house very much, I understand that the prospect of being surrounded by seven males and no females every day might be daunting–particularly when the last two are twins, I’ve been there!–but take the warnings about how this could have a bad effect on your sons very seriously. You feel the way you feel, but how you decide to act on those feelings is up to you.

Having said that, I’m not going to take alarm in the idea that you thought the thread could use some levity. Injecting humor into the situation when things get too tense is something that boys tend to do, and I think it is often a good thing. (It is not always the best tactic when you’re in a room full of women, however. )

 

[Faith0]

God bless you all, too and may you all continue to have much perfect lives, love, and happiness this coming new year and all the rest of the years to come!

Peace!

 

[robwar]

I have highlighted some very alarming statements you make here.
First of all, the term “gender disappointment” is scary to read, especially from a Catholic, because despite being illegal, sex-selective abortions abound (even here in America) and have resulted in serious imbalances in the boy-girl ratios of births, especially in China and India.
Also, you repeat how crushed and how grieved you are that your twins are boys a couple of times. You mention that a dream has died. These is extreme language you use, over babies that are healthy.
Girl children are not a right or a commodity that one can demand or obtain in a bargain with God or anyone else. You talk about “get(ting) one” and “WANT(ing) one” as if a child is an object to acquire. You need to think about how this language sounds.
You asked for wise comments. You specified “not hurtful ones”. But the way I read it, almost all of the comments to which you object were quite wise. You perhaps feel that they were hurtful because you felt personally offended that those posters did not just affirm your feelings. But here is the thing…you invited wisdom, and a Catholic forum is not supposed to be an echo chamber. Your extreme language in your OP was quite shocking, and it was not thinking that was sane or Catholic. People were rightly concerned, about you and your sons. They WERE offering a wise perspective. Pushing back and turning the whole thread into a joke, that ends up being disparaging to womankind is not the way to resolve a serious conflict, internal or otherwise.

Care to retract that statement? Because despite the fact that I saw no bashing being done, you repeatedly pushed back against posters who strongly disapproved of the extreme language of your posts and acted like they were unfairly bashing you. And yet, you actually invited them to do just what you became offended by, from your very first post.

thank-you for your post, that is what I was saying in my previous posts. When I read responses like yours, it keeps me going on CAF and give me hope for thoughtful dialogue not unwarranted attacks and accusations that are unjustified by the OP.

 

[Faith0]

This flippant remark does a disservice to women, daughters, sisters, and mothers everywhere.

Being a daughter myself, as well as a sister, and also a mother with two daughters, I find your attitude offensive and distasteful. And as a mother with a son, I find the attitude in your OP alarming and sad.

Sorry about that…Lighten up…it was meant to be funny