I want a family

[Kitkateybug]

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to start a riot.

 

[Servo_Mihi]

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to start a riot.

Don’t worry - you didn’t. It’s simply a difference of opinion and experience of those who’ve prayed for a husband (or wife) and a family, and have had those prayers granted, and those of us who’ve done the same and experienced the other reality of a big, fat, NO WAY. I’m with Bataar: It is quite easy for those who have been so blessed to say that it will happen, as well as the other usual platitudes, when there are so many who’ve gone to their graves without a family and those who will go without a family, regardless of prayers.

Speaking for myself, for 7 years now (since a divorce; though, I am able to marry in the Church), I’ve prayed for these things daily prayer, in novenas, in Rosaries and in Masses offered for my intentions, with no results but heartbreak. As I approach 44, I now have no hopes of ever bearing children, and, given that, realize that fact makes me undesirable to a large group of men. My ability to adopt is also highly unlikely, if not impossible, too.

Anyway, Kitkateybug, I hope things work out for you!

 

[Joseph629]

It’s interesting, I’ve read everything here, and nowhere did I read (unless I missed it) about the possiblity of God perhaps wanting more men and women to enter a religious vocation.
I know of many, -yes many- men and women who kept searching for Mr and Miss Right, only to find out eventually that God was really calling them to a Religious vocation. And many weren’t at all interested in Religious life.

I have 2 daughters (4 in all) in their twenties. My eldest knows of 14 of her friends getting married this year. Both of my daughters REALLY would like to meet MR Right and get married. BUT, they are also aware that perhaps God is calling them to Religious life -(even though they would like to get married), so both are ‘open’ to listening to what God really wants for them. Daughter #2 is always checking (Catholic) guys out, but right now she is spending the summer with the Sisters of Charity, thus giving God the opportunity to give her a clear message.

One thing I’m pretty sure of: God WILL give them what HE wants. And if they follow HIS Will, they’ll be happy, regardless of the path He has planned for them.

 

[Bataar]

I have a little bit of a problem with the God’s will argument when it comes to marriage. Let’s say it’s God’s will that I am to, at some point, meet and marry person X. I follow (knowingly and unknowingly) God’s will to the T, but I never meet person X. See, person X has free will and did not follow God’s will, thereby destroying God’s perfect plan for me. Whenever I hear someone talk about how God’s will will be done, I can’t help but think, “Isn’t it God’s will that abortion be eliminated too?” Just because something is God’s will, doesn’t mean it will happen, unfortunately.

 

[GodIsGracious]

Maybe rather than “I want a loving husband and a baby.” you could pray for God’s will in your life and that you would like to be a loving wife and mother. It’s a different point of view rather than, “I want for me” more like, “I want for you.”

Just a suggestion.

BTW, it wasn’t until I quit looking, said a sincere prayer to God that if He wanted me to be with someone that HE needs to pick him for me and that HE should put the special fellow in my life. I COMPLETELY left it up to God. And that I was also ok with being single the rest of my life if that is what God’s will for me was.

I met the man of my dreams almost immediately. And it turns out that he had prayed to God for someone special in his life too, and I showed up shortly after.

 

[GodIsGracious]

I have a little bit of a problem with the God’s will argument when it comes to marriage. Let’s say it’s God’s will that I am to, at some point, meet and marry person X. I follow (knowingly and unknowingly) God’s will to the T, but I never meet person X. See, person X has free will and did not follow God’s will, thereby destroying God’s perfect plan for me. Whenever I hear someone talk about how God’s will will be done, I can’t help but think, “Isn’t it God’s will that abortion be eliminated too?” Just because something is God’s will, doesn’t mean it will happen, unfortunately.

I responded before reading your post.

I know it’s frustrating to hear about “God’s will” and all that, especially when it is in the face of what it is that we want.

The only “problem” I see with what you say here is that there is the assumption that there is only one person out there for you.

See, I don’t believe that. With 6 billion people on the planet, I think there’s more than a few that would be “perfect” for us.

Besides, I don’t think God would pick someone out for you that would not cross your path. Do you think that God would have picked Mary if she would have said “No.” Or changed her mind while pregnant? Don’t think so.

I never believed my friends when they said that they “quit looking” and that they prayed for “God’s will” and they found someone. Until it happened to me.

That is not to say that “quit looking” means you don’t leave yourself open to possibilities. You never know where those possibilities may come from. It also does not mean that it’s all a fairy tale ending and happily ever after. In fact, just tonight I had to clear up something I said a few nights ago. He didn’t know what I meant by some statement I had made. Once I made it clear what I meant, things were cool. This is part of working in the relationship.

If God hadn’t put him in my life, I don’t think we’d be working together the way we do in our relationship.

 

[North_of_Nod]

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to start a riot.

Lol, nah, you didn’t. I think a lot of people are in our position. It makes us all cranky and bitter sometimes when we think about what we’re missing out on. But really, I think as long as we trust God, He will act upon our prayers in His own time. One day we’ll all look back and wonder why we ever questioned it.

 

[GodIsGracious]

Lol, nah, you didn’t. I think a lot of people are in our position. It makes us all cranky and bitter sometimes when we think about what we’re missing out on. But really, I think as long as we trust God, He will act upon our prayers in His own time.

[bolded emphasis mine]

animatedly pointing to nose

YES! That’s it! Very succinct. What I was trying to say in my post, except in far too many words.

 

[Bataar]

I responded before reading your post.

I know it’s frustrating to hear about “God’s will” and all that, especially when it is in the face of what it is that we want.

The only “problem” I see with what you say here is that there is the assumption that there is only one person out there for you.

See, I don’t believe that. With 6 billion people on the planet, I think there’s more than a few that would be “perfect” for us.

Besides, I don’t think God would pick someone out for you that would not cross your path. Do you think that God would have picked Mary if she would have said “No.” Or changed her mind while pregnant? Don’t think so.

I never believed my friends when they said that they “quit looking” and that they prayed for “God’s will” and they found someone. Until it happened to me.

That is not to say that “quit looking” means you don’t leave yourself open to possibilities. You never know where those possibilities may come from. It also does not mean that it’s all a fairy tale ending and happily ever after. In fact, just tonight I had to clear up something I said a few nights ago. He didn’t know what I meant by some statement I had made. Once I made it clear what I meant, things were cool. This is part of working in the relationship.

If God hadn’t put him in my life, I don’t think we’d be working together the way we do in our relationship.

This is when having such a logic orientated mind is a real pain

Yeah, there are 6 billion people on the planet, and if it’s God’s will, I can only marry one of them. Therefore, I don’t see how it could be God’s ultimate will for me to marry 2 people. If it’s God’s will for me to marry person X, but person X screws up and never meets me, how can one then say it’s God’s will for me to meet and marry person Y? Is person Y just God’s backup plan since his will ultimately can’t be fulfilled because the other person screwed up their life?

 

[GodIsGracious]

This is when having such a logic orientated mind is a real pain

Yeah, there are 6 billion people on the planet, and if it’s God’s will, I can only marry one of them. Therefore, I don’t see how it could be God’s ultimate will for me to marry 2 people. If it’s God’s will for me to marry person X, but person X screws up and never meets me, how can one then say it’s God’s will for me to meet and marry person Y? Is person Y just God’s backup plan since his will ultimately can’t be fulfilled because the other person screwed up their life?

I have a logic oriented mind too. Seeing as how I am a computer programmer.

See, you’re still falling into the fallacy that there is only one person out there for you and that anyone else is a backup plan. au contraire! There could be several people for you. I don’t believe in the “there is only 1 perfect person for me!” fairy tale.

But, just because there could be several people for you, it doesn’t mean that God wants to you marry several people.

It is up to us to decide (and discern, I suppose) out of the selection of people who it would be that would be for us. Plus also, like I said, God wouldn’t pick someone for us that would, through self will, make other decisions that would then take them away from you. In the grand scheme of things this was not a person *for you. *They were for someone else, or several someone elses.

Let’s just say that He gives us options. We’re presented with possibilities. Sort of like there are several algorithms from which I can choose to complete a computer program. All are valid, but ultimately I only choose one.

We pray on our choices. God will reveal the answer to us. We just need to be open to it. Complete trust in Him.

 

[North_of_Nod]

[bolded emphasis mine]

animatedly pointing to nose

YES! That’s it! Very succinct. What I was trying to say in my post, except in far too many words.

Hehe, great minds think alike.

 

[Bataar]

I have a logic oriented mind too. Seeing as how I am a computer programmer.

See, you’re still falling into the fallacy that there is only one person out there for you and that anyone else is a backup plan. au contraire! There could be several people for you. I don’t believe in the “there is only 1 perfect person for me!” fairy tale.

But, just because there could be several people for you, it doesn’t mean that God wants to you marry several people.

I don’t know if I believe that or not. I understand what you’re saying, but I believe God has specific paths he wants us each to follow. I don’t see how that can work with multiple potential people to marry. Clearly (at least to me), only one of them can be God’s will

It is up to us to decide (and discern, I suppose) out of the selection of people who it would be that would be for us. Plus also, like I said, God wouldn’t pick someone for us that would, through self will, make other decisions that would then take them away from you. In the grand scheme of things this was not a person *for you. *They were for someone else, or several someone elses.

We can’t know this either. It could definitely be God’s will for 2 people to meet, marry and start a family and be a strong family but one person acting on their own perceived interest and destroying what God wants.

Let’s just say that He gives us options. We’re presented with possibilities. Sort of like there are several algorithms from which I can choose to complete a computer program. All are valid, but ultimately I only choose one.

If you’re lucky you get options. I’ve been asking for advice through prayer for 10ish years and haven’t found any options, to anything. My only conclusion is that somehow, I’m living God’s will which doesn’t make sense either since well, my life is pretty meaningless. I have Aspergers pretty bad which drastically limits my interests/hobbies as well as my ability to socialize. I don’t have any friends (Catholic or otherwise) and don’t like going out by myself. Therefore, my life consists of going to work and coming home and sitting around the house. I just don’t see how that can be God’s will, yet I get no other options or even inklings about what I should be doing.

We pray on our choices. God will reveal the answer to us. We just need to be open to it. Complete trust in Him.

First, we have to pray to get choices.

 

[Rascalking]

I’m not even looking for someone, I’m just not a fan of meaningless platitudes. Never have been, for any kind of problem. Like I said, I’m a total realist so unless someone has evidence or a logical argument as to why someone should expect something to happen (good or bad), I generally don’t put stock in it.

Total realist huh? I feel sorry for you.

And it’s really fun to start cyber riots! Bring it on!

 

[catherinette]

I never believed my friends when they said that they “quit looking” and that they prayed for “God’s will” and they found someone. Until it happened to me.

That is not to say that “quit looking” means you don’t leave yourself open to possibilities. You never know where those possibilities may come from. It also does not mean that it’s all a fairy tale ending and happily ever after. In fact, just tonight I had to clear up something I said a few nights ago. He didn’t know what I meant by some statement I had made. Once I made it clear what I meant, things were cool. This is part of working in the relationship.

If God hadn’t put him in my life, I don’t think we’d be working together the way we do in our relationship.

I have often heard the “quit looking” phrase too, but I never know exactly what it means. I can try to just live my life without worrying about meeting the man I’m supposed to marry, but if I just go to work and then come home and read CAF, that’s not liable to produce any results. On the the other hand, whenever I do put myself in the situation to meet new people, I admit that at least half my motivation is meeting an attractive, single man, even if I try to pretend otherwise. I don’t think you mean I should avoid meeting new people, because otherwise how in the world will God put someone in my life? But if I am going to a party or volunteering or joining a club, it’s always something that is on my mind, even if I try not to worry about it. I have tried to sincerely say, “I’m not going to worry about it, it’s up to You now”; and then I will meet someone and think, “Maybe he’s the one,” but after a few dates I realize he’s not. My question is, how exactly do I “quit looking”, while also leaving myself open to the possibilities? I suppose you will tell me to stop worrying about it so much.

 

[Jay82]

I have often heard the “quit looking” phrase too, but I never know exactly what it means. I can try to just live my life without worrying about meeting the man I’m supposed to marry, but if I just go to work and then come home and read CAF, that’s not liable to produce any results. On the the other hand, whenever I do put myself in the situation to meet new people, I admit that at least half my motivation is meeting an attractive, single man, even if I try to pretend otherwise. I don’t think you mean I should avoid meeting new people, because otherwise how in the world will God put someone in my life? But if I am going to a party or volunteering or joining a club, it’s always something that is on my mind, even if I try not to worry about it. I have tried to sincerely say, “I’m not going to worry about it, it’s up to You now”; and then I will meet someone and think, “Maybe he’s the one,” but after a few dates I realize he’s not. My question is, how exactly do I “quit looking”, while also leaving myself open to the possibilities? I suppose you will tell me to stop worrying about it so much.

I feel the same way, but from a male perspective.

I don’t think one should ever ‘quit looking’ so to speak, but their may be a difference between actively searching for a potential girlfriend/boyfriend (that will eventually turn into a wife/husband) and just going about your life. When I say ‘going about your life’ I mean leading active lifestyles where you are involved in different things (orgs, clubs, charities, sports, etc), you try to make yourself more desirable or improve yourself, and you are always open to meeting people. When you do this, you also tend to project a favorable personal appearance and you tend to ‘attract’ other people. As a result, you’ll meet new people and maybe one of those will end up being the one for you. I have seen that occur for others (unfortunately not myself yet) and they attribute it to the other person coming into their lives when they least expected it.

I also agree with you when you say this sort of thing is in the back of your mind when you go out. Any time I go out to an event, social gathering, party, etc where their will be new people - I usually think: ‘oh it would be great if I meet some nice single catholic girls here’, but if I don’t, it won’t stop me from having fun and I’ll hope for the best in the future. But it is disheartening from time to time not to have met a girl that I could establish a serious relationship with yet.

 

[GodIsGracious]

I feel the same way, but from a male perspective.

I don’t think one should ever ‘quit looking’ so to speak, but their may be a difference between actively searching for a potential girlfriend/boyfriend (that will eventually turn into a wife/husband) and just going about your life. When I say ‘going about your life’ I mean leading active lifestyles where you are involved in different things (orgs, clubs, charities, sports, etc), you try to make yourself more desirable or improve yourself, and you are always open to meeting people. When you do this, you also tend to project a favorable personal appearance and you tend to ‘attract’ other people. As a result, you’ll meet new people and maybe one of those will end up being the one for you. I have seen that occur for others (unfortunately not myself yet) and they attribute it to the other person coming into their lives when they least expected it.

This is what I, and others, mean when we say,“Quit looking.” Notice too that I didn’t just say, “quit looking,” I also said to “be open to possibilities.”

I also agree with you when you say this sort of thing is in the back of your mind when you go out. Any time I go out to an event, social gathering, party, etc where their will be new people - I usually think: ‘oh it would be great if I meet some nice single catholic girls here’, but if I don’t, it won’t stop me from having fun and I’ll hope for the best in the future. But it is disheartening from time to time not to have met a girl that I could establish a serious relationship with yet.

Personally, if someone is there to just look for a mate or a partner, well… I think that does exude from a person and can turn people off. Others in this thread have mentioned that the immediate “sizing up” of someone as a potential partner can scare them off. It’s kind of like the whole “cougar” thing about older women on the prowl and hunt for younger men.

I know exactly what you and others mean. I’ve been there. And I see it in others too. Those people who have gone about their lives, continued living their lives, are more attractive. They have a life that others want to be a part of.

So, I still hold to that, “quit looking,” BUT! Do NOT dismiss the next part of what I have said, “be open to possibilities.” That’s the thing that no one else told me. They just told me to “quit looking.” bah. That didn’t help AT ALL. The key is that you continue to live your life and be open to opportunities that present themselves. Which is why I, personally, never just say to quit looking, but I always add that one should be open to possibilities.

One thing. People look for partners to “complete” them. Or that they think if they have half a life and somoene else has half a life they can both have a life. I don’t believe that. A person should have their own life as well as their prospective mate. Then they get to bring both lives together and share in them.

Also, I’ve mentioned before that idea of asking to BE a wife and mother, rather than asking FOR a husband and a child. There’s a different mindset. One is to be of service to others, the other is asking for something for one’s self. Now while I don’t think it’s wrong to ask for something for one’s self, I think there’s a mindset to each of those attitudes. I know that when I was single and I was meeting men who wanted a ‘wife and mother,’ I felt like I was being sized up as some sort of … house maiden. Like, the guy was evaluating me as to what I could do for him. It felt… almost worse than a job interview. But when I met men (and I only met ONE like this) who were more of the attitude of, “How can I be a good husband?” it was more pleasant to be around them. I didn’t feel like I was being sized up for a job.

I wonder just how many failed marriages are becaues people were looking for a spouse and someone to help them breed, and when that person no longer lived up to expectations, the “marriage” was over. IMO, we should look to see how we can be of service to our spouses and children. Not what they can do for us.

The man I am with now, we both had our own lives we were living and decided to share it with each other, rather than expecting the other to complete our own life. It really is the other side of the coin in looking at relationships.

Just my :twocents:.

 

[GodIsGracious]

I don’t know if I believe that or not. I understand what you’re saying, but I believe God has specific paths he wants us each to follow. I don’t see how that can work with multiple potential people to marry. Clearly (at least to me), only one of them can be God’s will

Then this is where we disagree.

We can’t know this either. It could definitely be God’s will for 2 people to meet, marry and start a family and be a strong family but one person acting on their own perceived interest and destroying what God wants.

Like I said earlier, I don’t think God would choose for us someone that would make decisions to take us away from us. Why would He, who loves us and cares for us, say, “Hey, I think Joe Beth is GREAT for Pete over here. Even though I know she’s on a path that will have her move 1500 miles away from Pete’s city because she’s going to want this fabulous job coming up for her, she is going to be The One for Pete.” That’s a scenario that would play out in what you’re proposing.

I don’t buy that. God sees all. Probably more like, “Ok, there’s Katherine and Jenny. They’re both GREAT for Pete. Katherine likes Chinese food and Jenny likes Mexican food. But they both have the same goals in life as Pete. Katherine is a marketing specialist and Jenny is an accountant. But they’re both content to be in the same city that Pete lives in.” That’s the way I view things. We may not agree, but I like believing that God has the best intentions for us and wouldn’t pick someone who would rather be some place else or have different priorities.

If you’re lucky you get options. I’ve been asking for advice through prayer for 10ish years and haven’t found any options, to anything.

I don’t know how old you are. I asked for longer than 10 years. I was in my 30’s when I met someone. And I’ve known people who didn’t meet someone until their 40’s. The wait was worth it, rather than the rush to marriage. But then, we all have our priorites.

My only conclusion is that somehow, I’m living God’s will which doesn’t make sense either since well, my life is pretty meaningless. I have Aspergers pretty bad which drastically limits my interests/hobbies as well as my ability to socialize. I don’t have any friends (Catholic or otherwise) and don’t like going out by myself. Therefore, my life consists of going to work and coming home and sitting around the house. I just don’t see how that can be God’s will, yet I get no other options or even inklings about what I should be doing.

I don’t know what to say about this. I know that I had a time when I didn’t think I was getting any inkling about what God’s will for me was. I did at least know that God’s will would not take me away from Him. So if I was being drawn away from him, not God’s will. Being drawn to Him, God’s will. It’s simple, but it worked for me. Although, admittedly it took me a looooooooong time to come to this conclusion.

I don’t know about Asperger Syndrome. I had to look it up just now. We all have our crosses to bear - I am wincing because I know you’ve probably heard that and probably don’t like hearing it, but I believe it. I don’t know what sort of care there is for Asperger and what can be done to overcome it, so I won’t even dare to suggest or offer advice.

First, we have to pray to get choices.

That could be a start. And you may have identified it for you.

 

[Jay82]

This is what I, and others, mean when we say,“Quit looking.” Notice too that I didn’t just say, “quit looking,” I also said to “be open to possibilities.”

Exactly, I was just interpreting it for the previous poster who said they never were really sure what was meant by it.

Personally, if someone is there to just look for a mate or a partner, well… I think that does exude from a person and can turn people off. Others in this thread have mentioned that the immediate “sizing up” of someone as a potential partner can scare them off. It’s kind of like the whole “cougar” thing about older women on the prowl and hunt for younger men.

I agree 100% here. I tend to encounter the ‘cougar’ thing quite a lot. Regardless, ‘sizing up’ someone else can be a turn off and make for an awkward situation.

One thing. People look for partners to “complete” them. Or that they think if they have half a life and somoene else has half a life they can both have a life. I don’t believe that. A person should have their own life as well as their prospective mate. Then they get to bring both lives together and share in them.

Good point. I see this a lot. I agree with you and don’t think people should go about trying to find their soulmate that will make things ‘right’ in their life or they will be ‘happy’ if they find someone. Just as you said, it is crucial to have your own life and be happy with yourself in order to form a healthy relationship and project the postive qualities about yourself.

Also, I’ve mentioned before that idea of asking to BE a wife and mother, rather than asking FOR a husband and a child. There’s a different mindset. One is to be of service to others, the other is asking for something for one’s self. Now while I don’t think it’s wrong to ask for something for one’s self, I think there’s a mindset to each of those attitudes. I know that when I was single and I was meeting men who wanted a ‘wife and mother,’ I felt like I was being sized up as some sort of … house maiden. Like, the guy was evaluating me as to what I could do for him. It felt… almost worse than a job interview. But when I met men (and I only met ONE like this) who were more of the attitude of, “How can I be a good husband?” it was more pleasant to be around them. I didn’t feel like I was being sized up for a job.

Interesting, I did not think of that, but I can definitely see that mindset affecting how things turn out or how one goes about other things in their life.

 

[jorgeraul3]

Well, I don’t think God wills who our partner will be. That would be something more along the lines of free will. God made made man and woman complementary in both mind and body.

That is any man with any woman complement each other, it is up to us to choose.

 

[Mama6]

Could there be a reason why? Maybe God is calling you to be his servent and you are not willing to hear the call yet? Or are you attracted to the “wrong” type of person?

Just a thought, I hope that you are touched with God’s will and are able to hear his response.