I want to become Catholic but was told I can't- Help?

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carol_marie

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I was baptized a Catholic but my parents never took me to church. As an adult, I became a born again Christian and I currently worship at a Lutheran Church. After reading many Catholic apologetic books and spending countless hours in prayer, I feel God calling me to the true Church Jesus founded - the Catholic church. My husband of 12 years (we have 4 beautiful children) was previously married in the Catholic church. He divorced. He too is a born again Christian Lutheran and has no desire to return to the Catholic church. I was informed by several Catholic friends that I will never be able to recieve the sacrements unless my husband gets his 1st marriage annulled, and my marriage is actually an adulterous relationship. Is this true? Aren’t I being denied because of HIS sin? He says he’ll never pay money to get that 1st marriage annulled. His wife left him and he says he doesn’t need anyone’s approval. Do I forget about becoming Catholic after all? This makes me so sad.
 
Others will be along to provide more insight, but you don’t always need the cooperation of all parties to go before a marriage tribunal. Sounds like it could be tricky without any help from your husband, though.
 
I have to be honest - I’m not exactly sure. But, rather than to listen to a friend, go talk to a priest. It is better to find out the facts instead of getting a bunch of opinions. You know what they say about opinions . . . . .

God bless you and Welcome Back!!!
 
carol marie:
I was baptized a Catholic but my parents never took me to church. As an adult, I became a born again Christian and I currently worship at a Lutheran Church. After reading many Catholic apologetic books and spending countless hours in prayer, I feel God calling me to the true Church Jesus founded - the Catholic church. My husband of 12 years (we have 4 beautiful children) was previously married in the Catholic church. He divorced. He too is a born again Christian Lutheran and has no desire to return to the Catholic church. I was informed by several Catholic friends that I will never be able to recieve the sacrements unless my husband gets his 1st marriage annulled, and my marriage is actually an adulterous relationship. Is this true? Aren’t I being denied because of HIS sin? He says he’ll never pay money to get that 1st marriage annulled. His wife left him and he says he doesn’t need anyone’s approval. Do I forget about becoming Catholic after all? This makes me so sad.
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Never let money stop you sacraments are never for sale. Keep praying.

I would post this question with the apologists though and perhaps have father Serpa help you out.
 
Please go and talk with a priest - or call one on the phone. There is a procedure that you may be able to avail yourself of. It is called sanatio in radice, or radical sanatation. It is rarely used but if a priest feels that your marriage is strong (which you indicate it is) and your husband absolutely, positively refuses to have the marriage convalidated, then this is a way, rarely used, that may be able to assist you.

As far as paying for an annulment, I think you need to ask your husband how much he thinks it will cost. You may be surprised at what he has heard - which may or may not be on the mark. Every annulment is different and I strongly urge you to seek the advise of a priest and not a lay person.

Praying for you - God Bless
 
Carol: First, talk not to your “Catholic friends” but to your parish priest. Give him a summary of the principle events regarding your life and your husband’s first marriage. Or, you may contact your diocesan tribunal office at the chancery (the headquarters of your diocese) and make an appointment to talk with a staff member. Each diocese has somewhat different procedures. You may first have to fill out a short questionnaire, and then later on a detailed one. Don’t worry, it’s actually harder picturing or imagining what they’ll ask than answering the very helpful questions. Your husband needs to be contacted, but even if he refuses to cooperate (or his ex-wife) that still might not be a final drawback.

There CAN be costs involved (mine was $450) but there is usually a sliding scale. Don’t let the cost stop you. The people are very helpful.

You can request reviews, and appeal too.

Remember, this isn’t a question of being “denied because of HIS sin”. This is a question about whether you are actually in a valid marriage or not. Who made it “invalid” isn’t really the point. Making it valid/ licit should be your priority.

Hopefully your husband will be able to see it in that light, because it’s not BLAMING him, it’s making you two lawful, SACRAMENTAL husband and wife, blessing your marriage, yourselves and your children.

Say a LOT of prayers, don’t rush (but don’t hang back), get a good dependable priest and trust in God.

You can ALSO tell him that the children will NOT be witnesses, nor will they be privy to any of the information. Quite often, people are more afraid of the judgment of their family than they are of God. Perhaps if he knows that he will not have to explain himself or justify himself or be judged by his children, he will feel more free and easy about the whole situation.

You are in my prayers.
 
I have been through the annullment process; it didn’t cost me anything in my diocese (although I do voluntarily contribute to the diocesan fund that funds the tribunal).

If you have any questions about my experience, please send me a message and I would be more than happy to correspond with you about my experience.

If your heart is in the right place, you should desire that your marriage be in the Church. If this desire is conditional (if it’s not too hard to do, if it doesn’t take too much time, if it doesn’t cost too much, if my husband goes along), then examine why you are putting conditions on this and why you are trying to make it a “nice to have” instead of a “got to have”.

Also, all people have opinions, but sometimes, not all people have the facts. Investigate your individual marriage situation with a parish priest. You may find that you have been mis-informed by your friends. I also regularly sponsor candidates through RCIA, and I feel like I may have an informed opinion on your situation if you are interested. I don’t think it is quite as your friends have stated, but can’t say anymore without some particulars.
 
There are plenty who can help you with details about annulments, as you can see. If the first “marriage” was not a valid marriage, then good luck to you.

But let us assume that your husband’s first marriage is indeed valid–in which case he his not your husband but the husband of the other woman. Then it is true that you may not receive the sacraments as long you continue to willfully live in a sinful relationship with him.

Unless you stop sinning.

That is, you can live together as brother and sister. No more sex. GASP! No more sex?!?!? Celibacy!?!?! I know, I know. In our culture today that’s as bad as asking someone to live without food and water. Or without TV even.

But when you come to fully appreciate the relationship between the sex act, procreation and the marriage sacrament, you will be at ease with it. In fact, some married saints chose to live in chastity within the bounds of marriage, for example Saints Pinian and Melania. They deeply loved their spouses but felt called to devote their lives to serving God in ways other than raising children. (And if you don’t want any more children, you should not be joining in the procreative act anyway.)

in case you’re wondering, I am speaking from experience. I’m in the same boat you are with regards to Mrs. Racer X. We’re celebrating our youngest daughter’s second birthday tomorrow and have been celibant since she was conceived. Our relationship has never been stronger.

God bless.
-RX
 
I don’t want to look into your husband’s heart, and I certainly don’t know all the details, but if this is something that is very important to you then *you *should be worth the cost of him seeking the annulment - no matter how much it is.

If he really thinks in his heart that **he **doesn’t need validation, well then the process can be about you, not him. If you truly want to become part of the Catholic Church in proper standing and receive the Sacraments, and have an intimate marriage, then I certainly hope he understands and respects your wishes. And if that means he needs to suck it up and do this all for you, then so be it.

I’m not trying to get you mad at your husband, but if he really feels the way you described about personally needing the annulment, then don’t make this about something he should do for himself. Ask him to do it for you, even if he doesn’t understand why he should. Who knows, maybe once the annulment is granted and you get the marriage blessed and all that stuff, then he may be open to coming back to the Church himself. He may have put up a barrier to coming back because he knows that his situation means he wouldn’t be in good standing with the Church.
Just my three cents.
 
Racer X:
But when you come to fully appreciate the relationship between the sex act, procreation and the marriage sacrament, you will be at ease with it. In fact, some married saints chose to live in chastity within the bounds of marriage, for example Saints Pinian and Melania. They deeply loved their spouses but felt called to devote their lives to serving God in ways other than raising children. (And if you don’t want any more children, you should not be joining in the procreative act anyway.)
-RX
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Wow, another new thing for me! You can choose to live celebate lives within marriage? I take it that’s if both parties agree and if both parties are choosing that in order to serve God? Because that part about ‘not wanting children therefore not joining in the procreative act’ sounds precisely like the point someone was making in another thread about being a sin because you were not being open to life as the sacrament of marriage calls us to be.

I’m confused now. Is there a thread on this subject somewhere in the forum already, Racer X? If so, can you point me in that direction or perhaps to another site where I can learn more about this ‘option’ within marriage?

Thanks.
 
Carol Marie - As others have told you each case is unique. You need to discuss this with a priest who is familiar with the Tribunal and its processes.

For your encouragement, we processed one case for a woman whose husband was non-Christian and mildly hostile to the Church. He and his family did cooperate to the extent of providing the minimal documentation needed to evaluate his previous marriage and the matter was successfully resolved.
 
Hi, it’s me, Carol Marie again. Thanks to all who kindly responded to my question. I’ve placed a call to the local Parish Priest and hopefully he can point me in the right direction to get this solved. For those who suggested that I am in an invalid marriage, I can and will do everything in my power to correct this situation but I can’t make my husband DO anything and since he has said he will not look into getting an anullment, I think my hands are tied. And in regards to living as brother and sister, excuse me but I honestly almost fell off my chair I laughed so hard. My poor husband is having a difficult enough time with his Lutheran wife announcing that she’s becoming Catholic and the kids are coming with, now I’m supposed to tell him that we are to live as brother and sister?? How much can the poor guy take? I have faith that my situation will be resolved. I cannot believe that the Holy Spirit would lead me this far and then shut the door to the Catholic Church. I want to be Catholic more than anything - but I also want to be a good wife. I believe God has called me to both so He will work it out. Thank you in advance for your prayers. 🙂
 
Hi Carol Marie, I went through the annullment process about 10 years ago and the priest told me it’s a piece of cake compared to the way it used to be. I was divorced for over 30 years before going for the annulment. After about a 1 and 1/2 years it was granted. I had to try and find my ex and that was impossible so I told them to find her. That was impossible as well. I had to pay $150 for a shrink to make sure I was mentally stable to be a member of the church. I can feel you’re laughing. I also had to pay another $150 for the paper work. The way they come up with these figures is by how much you make I was told. I was in construction at the time and layed off so they said they cut me a break. If you decide to go through with this make sure you get married in the church. I lived in Chicago when I got the annulment but wasn’t told I had to get married in the church or I misunderstood something and had to get remarried down here in Alabama where I retired. That was a real pain. All in all if you get a good priest to work with you it’s not to bad. As for trying to live like brother and sister forget it. I went to confession and told the priest how long I’ve been living in sin and that was that. I hope this helps and yes I probably would go through it again. They did make it a lot easier they used to put you in stocks in the town square for a month. Really go for it, George 😃
 
And in regards to living as brother and sister, excuse me but I honestly almost fell off my chair I laughed so hard. My poor husband is having a difficult enough time with his Lutheran wife announcing that she’s becoming Catholic and the kids are coming with, now I’m supposed to tell him that we are to live as brother and sister??
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On the other hand, if given this as an option, the annulment may suddenly not seem so bad!

But really, nobody of course wants to see a marriage struggle, but no matter what, God does come first. This is why - if the marriage is not valid - I believe you need to have a serious talk with your husband. Of course you can’t make him do anything. But his decision is now directly affecting you and your relationship with God. This is bigger than just him, and if he doesn’t see that then you just may need to make him see it by throwing out living as brother and sister (not as a threat, but as a serious ramification of his own obstinance).

Again, I don’t know your hubby and not trying to make him sound like a bad guy. But it sounds like he’s looking at this annulment as something that only affects him.
 
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YinYangMom:
Wow, another new thing for me! You can choose to live celebate lives within marriage? I take it that’s if both parties agree and if both parties are choosing that in order to serve God? Because that part about ‘not wanting children therefore not joining in the procreative act’ sounds precisely like the point someone was making in another thread about being a sin because you were not being open to life as the sacrament of marriage calls us to be.
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Well in my case, you see, I am not married so like ALL unmarried people I should remain celibate.

As for remaining celibate within a sacramental marriage, it is certainly allowed as the example of Mary and Joseph attest to. However, I believe it has to be the decision of both husband and wife together. I believe there is also a concept of “conjugal duty” taught by Church, but know for certain.
 
Hello All. Carol Marie again. I can’t believe how quickly things can change in just 24 hours… I spoke to the most wonderful Priest and he told me that an annulment doesn’t cost thousands of dollars (like my husband thought) but only a few hundred dollars and he suggested that my husband & I meet with him to discuss how the annulment process works and (this is the best part…) My husband said yes! We are meeting with the Priest first thing next week. I can’t believe it! My husband said to me, “just so you know, I’ll get the annulment but I still don’t want to be Catholic again…” And I’m like, “Sure dear, whatever you say…” But I’m thinking… God has a plan and I know He wants you to come back so I’ll leave those details up to Him! 🙂 I can’t tell you how happy I am. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Isn’t God so Good?! Thank you so much for your prayers! Love to you all, CM.
 
That is absolutely WONDERFUL news! :dancing:
Thank you so much for sharing that with us. You will certainly be in my prayers!
 
Racer X:
(And if you don’t want any more children, you should not be joining in the procreative act anyway.)
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What? That statement is not correct. First of all, it’s not called the procreative act because not all sex is procreative. It’s called the marital act, marital intimacy, or sexual union. The Church teaches that sexual union is a holy part of the Sacrament of Marriage and continues to be a holy act even after child bearing years. It is also holy for people that are unable to produce children. It is a myth that the Church teaches that sex is only for procreation and not also for marital intimacy. The only requirement is that sexual union be open to procreation. This means that artificial birth control may not be used and natural birth control must only be used in certain situations. Those situations should be carefully evaluated under the church’s guidance.

-Ric
 
carol marie:
Hello All. Carol Marie again. I can’t believe how quickly things can change in just 24 hours… I spoke to the most wonderful Priest and he told me that an annulment doesn’t cost thousands of dollars (like my husband thought) but only a few hundred dollars and he suggested that my husband & I meet with him to discuss how the annulment process works and (this is the best part…) My husband said yes! We are meeting with the Priest first thing next week. I can’t believe it! My husband said to me, “just so you know, I’ll get the annulment but I still don’t want to be Catholic again…” And I’m like, “Sure dear, whatever you say…” But I’m thinking… God has a plan and I know He wants you to come back so I’ll leave those details up to Him! 🙂 I can’t tell you how happy I am. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Isn’t God so Good?! Thank you so much for your prayers! Love to you all, CM.
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Sometimes the annulments don’t cost anything! My DH’s annulment didn’t cost us a penny!

It’s great news your DH is open to getting the annulment…this is the first step!

SV
 
I’m thrilled for you!! :dancing:

Keep us informed, and thank you for starting this excellent thread!

You will remain in my prayers,

CARose

👍
 
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