I WANT to believe but I can't seem to

[sixeyes]

I am a cradle Catholic who has always described myself as devout and adherent to the Magesterium in every way. In the last few years, though, I have really been struggling with doubt regarding my faith- I have not admitted it to anyone, but I have been doubting whether any of it is true. If Christianity is true, if Christ is really God and Savior, then I don’t have any doubt that Catholicism is the truest form of Christianity. My doubt is on a more basic level, though-- the existence of God at all, I guess, and specifically the validity of Christianity.

Most of the advice I have read in this regard recommends praying, praying for discernment, praying for faith. I have been doing this- daily, sometimes hourly, for years. Diligently and with passion. And yet I feel nothing. I am no more certain of faith than before.

At the core is this: I really WANT to believe. I really, really do. I am not some kind of cynic looking for fault with the Church or with organized religion. I want more than anything to have a strong faith life, to share in the life of Christ. And yet… I can’t seem to get my mind to bend. I can’t **will **myself to believe, much as I want to, and I can’t understand why this prayer of mine, of all prayers, should (seemingly) go unanswered by God. Wouldn’t He desire for my faith as well?

I have lately been treating faith much as I have treated love in some of my more difficult relationships-- as a decision. But is this valid? How can faith be a “decision”? Can I simply “decide” to believe if I don’t feel it, if I can’t convince myself of its truth?

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

sixeyes

I went through this over 30 years ago.

You want faith? Then go to the source of faith, Jesus Christ.

Forget religion for now. Religion without faith is nonsense.

First, get a Bible, and go to a quiet place, where you can sit comfortably. Then, before you begin, ask Jesus to come into your life. Tell him that you will surrender your life to Him, if he will only bless you with the gift of faith. This is what is often called, dying to self. Then, turn to the Bible, the New Testament and begin to read. Don’t worry about what you read or whether you understand or even can believe it. Just allow Christ to do the work in you.
Remember, your giving yourself to Christ. This means, all of your ideas, your will, your very being. In return, He will bless you with a new birth in Him. Some call it being born again.

This is what I did and He gave me the gift of faith, and I’ve never looked back to my former life.

God Bless
Jim

 

[Palladio]

I am a cradle Catholic who has always described myself as devout and adherent to the Magesterium in every way. In the last few years, though, I have really been struggling with doubt regarding my faith- I have not admitted it to anyone, but I have been doubting whether any of it is true. If Christianity is true, if Christ is really God and Savior, then I don’t have any doubt that Catholicism is the truest form of Christianity. My doubt is on a more basic level, though-- the existence of God at all, I guess, and specifically the validity of Christianity.

Most of the advice I have read in this regard recommends praying, praying for discernment, praying for faith. I have been doing this- daily, sometimes hourly, for years. Diligently and with passion. And yet I feel nothing. I am no more certain of faith than before.

At the core is this: I really WANT to believe. I really, really do. I am not some kind of cynic looking for fault with the Church or with organized religion. I want more than anything to have a strong faith life, to share in the life of Christ. And yet… I can’t seem to get my mind to bend. I can’t **will **myself to believe, much as I want to, and I can’t understand why this prayer of mine, of all prayers, should (seemingly) go unanswered by God. Wouldn’t He desire for my faith as well?

I have lately been treating faith much as I have treated love in some of my more difficult relationships-- as a decision. But is this valid? How can faith be a “decision”? Can I simply “decide” to believe if I don’t feel it, if I can’t convince myself of its truth?

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Doubt is integral to faith, which is why we say I believe, not I know, but the existence of God is not open to doubt. So I would begin there.

I stopped doubting when I realized that to speak about God is more to speak about a fact in math than to weigh a probability in physics.

You might read Owen Gingerich’s God’s Universe, a brief and beautiful book in which a Harvard Professor of Astronomy and the History and Philosophy of Science explores the reasonable and rational nature of faith.

Remember, unlike some believers, Catholics have both reason and faith as pillars of their belief. Start with the one in order to re-build the other.

Sooner or later, you might speak with a priest.

One whom you feel you can trust.

Meanwhile, do read Gingerich, who includes other references, too.

Last, in re-reading the NT over the last month, I feel sure that, besides confronting doubt book by book, the structure seems designed to overcome doubt. This in itself is evidence: a purely fictional account would mention how everybody was just bowled over by Christ, whereas the men who knew him best were doubters…

I made it out of decades of disbelief and unbelief.

You can make it out of your state, too.

God bless.

 

[baltobetsy]

sixeyes, do you receive the sacraments often? An increase of grace, from Confession and Holy Communion, even in your doubting state, will be most beneficial.

God permits these periods of doubt in order to strengthen and purify our faith. In the last 18 months of her life, St. Therese of Lisieux (the Little Flower) suffered a nearly total darkness and doubt. She continued, blindly trusting, sustained by grace, until she died. This book gives an account of this time in her life.

I would suggest that the next time you go to confession, you bring up your temptations against faith. It’s probably very frightening to you to even think about saying it out loud, especially to the priest, but remember, you’re really saying it to Jesus Christ, who will encourage and reassure you through the priest.

I had a period in my life when I had similar doubts. Everything was just ruined for me, because my whole life was built on my faith. Suppose it wasn’t true?? God saw fit to end the trial as suddenly as it began, with a strikingly beautiful, gracious act. I pray He does the same for you soon.

Betsy

 

[sixeyes]

sixeyes, do you receive the sacraments often? An increase of grace, from Confession and Holy Communion, even in your doubting state, will be most beneficial.

I do receive Communion weekly and occasionally go to daily Mass (not often since I have many noisy, active small children!). While I don’t go to confession as often as I probably should, I do go several times a year. I have confessed my doubts to the priest but in a general sort of way.

God saw fit to end the trial as suddenly as it began, with a strikingly beautiful, gracious act. I pray He does the same for you soon.

Thank you for your prayers. The thing is, I **have **had some events recently occur in my life that really seem like they are direct blessings from God-- events that everyone around me attributes to the mercy of God. These include the healing of my husband’s long-standing depression, his conversion to Catholicism (something I never thought would happen) and a potential answer to our financial problems. Sometimes I wonder if the devil is attacking me now that my DH is a believer (though my struggle preceded his conversion by a mile). I have this sense that – wow – look at all I’ve been given lately! Completely undeserved! And yet… I can’t bring myself to really **have confidence ** that these events are more than good luck, coincidence, and the fruits of introspection.

If I sound like a sourpuss, I apologize. I don’t mean to. What scares me is that I have been given so much-- if there is a God, He is blessing me tremendously-- and yet I still can’t seem to make that final leap of faith. What’s it going to take?

 

[Palladio]

I do receive Communion weekly and occasionally go to daily Mass (not often since I have many noisy, active small children!). While I don’t go to confession as often as I probably should, I do go several times a year. I have confessed my doubts to the priest but in a general sort of way.

Thank you for your prayers. The thing is, I **have **had some events recently occur in my life that really seem like they are direct blessings from God-- events that everyone around me attributes to the mercy of God. These include the healing of my husband’s long-standing depression, his conversion to Catholicism (something I never thought would happen) and a potential answer to our financial problems. Sometimes I wonder if the devil is attacking me now that my DH is a believer (though my struggle preceded his conversion by a mile). I have this sense that – wow – look at all I’ve been given lately! Completely undeserved! And yet… I can’t bring myself to really **have confidence ** that these events are more than good luck, coincidence, and the fruits of introspection.

If I sound like a sourpuss, I apologize. I don’t mean to. What scares me is that I have been given so much-- if there is a God, He is blessing me tremendously-- and yet I still can’t seem to make that final leap of faith. What’s it going to take?

Patience.

Patience is always a virtue, even after trials end.

Read Gingerich.

God exists.

Christ walked this earth. His words and deeds speak to you, and you know this.

Keep your efforts at that so-called leap short and sweet.

Be patient: Christ knows you are trying, and He would rather that you try than that you be unfaithful to Him.

God bless.

 

[Mirdath]

You aren’t the only one who just doesn’t seem to ‘get’ faith. It took me a long time to realize that I was in that position, and I dealt with it the exact way you don’t want to (so I’m probably not the person to go to for advice). I’m not encouraging you to give up on it – quite the contrary! – but just remember, however it eventually shakes out, you are not alone.

Good luck, and if there is a God may you be blessed with the faith you seek

 

[fivegoldenrings]

You mentioned feeling that Satan may be tempting you, and I would definately agree with you, since your DH had recently been given great graces. I have noticed similar things happen to me in recent months. When I have made great progress in an area, Satan gets really angry! Then he goes on the attack. Twice in the last 8 months I had some temptations that seemed to me very unusual, and coming from outside of myself, in conjunction with great graces that I was given. I really want to reassure you that you will get through this with God’s help. It feels horrible to you right now, like some kind of terrible black cloud that won’t ever clear out. But it will! Pray to God, the Blessed Mother, and the saints, and continue making use of the Sacraments God so lovingly gave us. God is watching over you with His tender, fatherly love, and He will not turn away from you. Cling to Him in this storm! I will pray for you!

 

[water]

Most of the advice I have read in this regard recommends praying, praying for discernment, praying for faith. I have been doing this- daily, sometimes hourly, for years. Diligently and with passion. And yet I feel nothing. I am no more certain of faith than before.

I have lately been treating faith much as I have treated love in some of my more difficult relationships-- as a decision. But is this valid? How can faith be a “decision”? Can I simply “decide” to believe if I don’t feel it, if I can’t convince myself of its truth?

Hello sixeyes and welcome to the forums.
I am neither an expert on this matter nor having a strong faith, but from what I have read on this forum, people recommend a book called “Dark Night of the Soul”. I just googled it and find out it has an online version: I hope this is the exact book that many members here have referred to:

ourladyswarriors.org/saints/darknite.htm

Also, look at the bold parts that I highlight on your post. I might be wrong but it seems to me that you are focusing heavily on “feeling”. My first question is what you were trying to feel? I asked you this because many times we don’t grow faith based on feelings. Feelings can be something that comes and goes.

 

[Nordar]

Do you pray The Rosary? Our Blessed Mother is a wonderful intercessor for bringing us to her son. He gave her to us at Calvary pray to her she will answer you! I will pray for you

 

[Della]

Feelings are unreliable when it comes to discerning truth–not totally, but they are not to be trusted. It’s one thing to feel dryness in prayer, many great saints have had this spiritual suffering, but to equate dryness with truth is asking too much of our feelings.

Truth is what it is whether we believe it or not, like the proverbial brick wall. Whether we believe a brick wall is there or not it will stop us if we try running into it. Brick walls also do not care how we feel about them, if we love them or not. They still do their function. Truth does too.

Faith is the substance of things unseen, the evidence of things hoped for, as St. Paul tells us. None of us can claim to have been given absolute certainty of God’s existence based on our feelings, but we have been given many gifts by God that help us see he is there. Things like the Church, the Bible, a world filled with wonders, including our very bodies. Consider how well your various parts work together and see there the mystery of God, for God is seen most clearly in the little things, the everyday things of life much more than in anything else.

Pray for the gift of hope, trust, and love along with faith, and faith will come to you through these other gifts because none of the virtues stand alone nor function properly alone.

I remembered you in my Evening Prayer. I would encourage you if you do not have a regular prayer routine to get one, be it the Liturgy of the Hours or the Rosary or some other approved prayers for lay people. I use and get much out of Magnificat Magazine, which is really a short Morning and Evening Prayer booklet for lay people. Look into it–I think it would be a great help to you, especially praying with the daily Mass readings. God bless.

 

[TOP]

Sixeyes, just a seed of faith can make wonderful things happen. Hold on to it. Tim

 

[bilop]

Sixeyes,

I will say a prayer for you. There are many good suggestions above. I just wanted to add a reminder of Pascal’s wager. If you believe and are wrong, so what? You’re are no worse off than the atheist. But, if you disbelieve and are wrong…

Continue believing and praying, and I’m sure God will give you the grace to persist.

God Bless

 

[NMJenny]

Sixeyes, make the prayer in Mark 9:23 (DR version) your own:

“I do believe, Lord: help Thou my unbelief.”

 

[sixeyes]

Thank you so much for all of your prayers. I really mean that- it is touching and humbling.

I just wanted to add a reminder of Pascal’s wager. If you believe and are wrong, so what? You’re are no worse off than the atheist. But, if you disbelieve and are wrong…

Pascal’s wager is all well and good, but it doesn’t take me very far. I agree with it as far as it goes, but it can’t make me believe-- it can only make me *want *to believe, which I already do.

I do need to focus more on a regular prayer routine, as some of you have suggested. I subscribe to Magnificat but haven’t been using it regularly lately.

Truth is what it is whether we believe it or not, like the proverbial brick wall. Whether we believe a brick wall is there or not it will stop us if we try running into it. Brick walls also do not care how we feel about them, if we love them or not. They still do their function. Truth does too.

I agree with this 100%-- which is I guess why I am struggling so much. Truth IS there whether we believe it or not. I am totally opposed to any kind of moral or theological relativism. But… OK… what is the truth? And how do I know? My mind keeps coming back to, “What if the truth is that there is no God, or a distant, deist (sp?) kind of God? What if the truth is that we just decompose nicely after death, fertilizing the earth?”

Things like the Church, the Bible, a world filled with wonders, including our very bodies. Consider how well your various parts work together and see there the mystery of God, for God is seen most clearly in the little things, the everyday things of life much more than in anything else.

This argument is hard for me- I am a scientist by training and when I look at the human body or the aurora borealis or anything similarly amazing in the natural world, I see muscles and nerves and synaptic junctions, electrons and magnetic fields… you get the idea. I see the logic. I know plenty of atheists and agnostics who appreciate the wonder of the human body but don’t attribute it to an almighty God but rather to millions/billions of years of evolution.

Sometimes I think I need to stop thinking so much.

 

[Palladio]

This argument is hard for me- I am a scientist by training and when I look at the human body or the aurora borealis or anything similarly amazing in the natural world, I see muscles and nerves and synaptic junctions, electrons and magnetic fields… you get the idea. I see the logic. I know plenty of atheists and agnostics who appreciate the wonder of the human body but don’t attribute it to an almighty God but rather to millions/billions of years of evolution.

Sometimes I think I need to stop thinking so much.

Perhaps, but here’s a thought: chance is not an explanation of a cause: it is the absence of it, as you must know as a scientist.

As a scientist, you have all the more reason to read Gingerich.

Try not to take on too much in your leap and be careful of the distance: you are steps away, no more than that.

Keep it simple.

Be patient.

God bless.

 

[johnstown_johnn]

A visit to an approved Catholic site such as Lourdes would open not just your eyes but your heart.

I made a trip there some years ago and still have the spiritual lift that comes from that holy place. There you will see the faith of the afflicted and it is so strong it will attach itself to you just as long as you have an openheart, which you seem to already have.

You can feel the presence of angels. It is an emotional experience and it might be just what you need. It has been said, the Blessed Mother will never allow anyone to leave without a gift from her. I believe that totally.

 

[sixeyes]

A visit to an approved Catholic site such as Lourdes would open not just your eyes but your heart.

I made a trip there some years ago and still have the spiritual lift that comes from that holy place. There you will see the faith of the afflicted and it is so strong it will attach itself to you just as long as you have an openheart, which you seem to already have.

You can feel the presence of angels. It is an emotional experience and it might be just what you need. It has been said, the Blessed Mother will never allow anyone to leave without a gift from her. I believe that totally.

…many times we don’t grow faith based on feelings. Feelings can be something that comes and goes.

Yes, I think I do sometimes get hung up on wanting to “feel” something. I have been to Lourdes as well as other holy sites-- and, while the trips were spiritually enriching for me, I wasn’t bowled over. I couldn’t feel the presence of angels, or God, or Mary, or anything. It just didn’t do that much more for me than being in front of the Blessed Sacrament in my home parish. Maybe I wasn’t open enough, I don’t know. I’ve never been able to “feel” that kind of presence, ever, and I fully recognize that feeling isn’t-- or shouldn’t be-- a reflection of a lack of faith. I don’t believe (there’s that word again!) that you need to *feel *anything in particular in order to believe, but it sure would make it easier!

 

[johnstown_johnn]

Faith is not rational; it is a gift. There might be strong negative influences that inhibit spiritual growth. Maybe a Mass of “special intention” (the intention being to remove the obstacles to your faith) would be an enormous aid.

If you’ve been to Lourdes did you not take a day trip to Nevers? There you will see St. Bernadette uncorrupted after over 125 years. It has to make a deep impression. Read more on the lives of the saints…the stories can move you greatly.

 

[Mary3]

Sometimes I think I need to stop thinking so much.

I agree. May I suggest you try reading “The Cloud of Unknowing”? Here’s a quote.

“Do not hang back then, but labor in it until you experience the desire. For when you first begin to undertake it, all that you will find is a darkness, a sort of cloud of the unknowing; you can not tell what it is, except that you experience in your will a simple reaching out to God. This darkness and cloud is always between you and God, no matter what you do, and it prevents you from seeing Him clearly by the light of understanding in your reason and from experiencing Him in sweetness of love in your affection. So set yourself to rest in this darkness as long as you can, always crying out for Him whom you love. For if you are to experience Him at all, insofar as it is possible here [that is, in this existence], it must always be in this cloud and in this darkness.”