I want to build a stronger relationship with God but I still like her

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realtiger

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There is this girl in my life. We are really good friends. Well I liked her when I first met her but then my feelings for her tapered off. All of a sudden I began liking her again. I left my bible in church so I came and looked for it the next day. That is when I went to Jesus Christ in the Eucharist and I prayed about my feelings for her. Then the following Sunday I met her parents at church. Her father asked me if I asked feelings for her. I said no. Then he said he would love for me to go out with her because I love God and I am a good guy. Her mother overheard the conservation and she said “it would be an honor.”

I still had feelings for her. But I feel I love her so much that I pray for her be with a good God fearing man even if that man is not me. I even thought of hooking her up with another guy that goes to a church group that I go to because if I can’t be a perfect fit I at least want to find someone that might be. I feel her happiness is more important than my pain. If she has something better planned for her I don’t want to be in the way. I heard “If you love something or someone you let them free.” I’ve been told by my friend, though, that girls don’t like “kiss ups” and that you have to spice things up in a relationship (you can’t be nice all the time.)

I don’t know if she likes me back but she said she missed me two times in one year. And she invited to eat out with her and visit her where she works. She calls me endearing words like “love” and “hun.” I feel we give each other a lot of comfort and love to each other. I’m really trying to focus on God and I’m trying to not dwell on my feelings for her. It feels like no matter how hard I try to be closer to God I still like her. But I think I remember a priest saying that it is ok to like women and that is how babies come about. I try not to repress my feelings for her too much because I feel if I do that, those feelings will come back even stronger. It is kind of like when people start a diet so strict that they end up binge eating and eating unhealthy foods two weeks later because they couldn’t handle the strictness. I feel I love her even with her flaws, even if she is impatient or angry and even if she was a really tacky, uncouth, and overweight person (I’m not saying she is I’m just saying I would still love her even if she was). Still I don’t reveal my feelings for her because if she doesn’t like me then I’ll feel really bad. I’ll no longer be “just a friend” to her, I think I’ll be “the guy who has feelings for me but I don’t have them back for him.” I think I won’t be able to hang out with her anymore without her thinking I’m trying to “kick it” with her. Plus I think it’s too soon for me to tell her I like her. I feel we have to be friends for a longer amount of time before I seriously think about telling her my feelings.

I try to pursue my talents in my spare time so I could feel better and get over her, or if not get over her at least feel better about myself and hold on to my talents so they could grow. If my talents grow I might end up being successful, and forget about all those feelings I had for her. From what I hear, unrequited love can bring great works of art like songs and maybe books. So maybe the pain I will receive if she rejects me won’t be bad as long as I can convert it to something positive. I do love her because she is intelligent, beautiful, and I feel she has a heart of gold. I feel she has something a lot of girls in my area don’t have. I don’t want to be in the dreaded “brother zone” with her. But even if we don’t end up in a relationship I still always want to be her friend. She is also a practicing Roman Catholic from what I can see, if that helps. I still pray for her.

What should I do?
 
It is normal for feelings between a man and a woman to fluctuate, even if they are married. Over the course of your life, you might marry and find you lose your feelings for your wife or that you develop feelings for some other woman. It happens. I do not mean it is OK to give into infatuations for women you can’t have, but that attractions for other people come and go. What is important is that you remain chaste and faithful to whatever your state in life requires of you.

As for not being a “kiss up,” be yourself. Grow, learn what it means to respect yourself and others, but be yourself. If you let other people treat you like a doormat, that is another thing, but if someone wants a spice that isn’t in your cabinet, then let her keep looking. If we have real faults, we ought to work on them, but the only thing you can keep up for a lifetime is the truth.
 
Sounds like you spend a lot of time thinking about this, don’t over think it! If you like her but are shy or worried about how rejection may change your friendship why don’t you see if she would like to spend more tIme with you as a friend and get to know each other on a deeper level and see where things go from there. If this works out and you still have feelings for her and you enjoy each others company then think about letting her know how you feel. There is nothing to say you can’t have a girlfriend as long as you set your self clear boundaries and follow the faith, enjoy it, young love is a wonderful feeling 🙂
 
My friend, if I were you I would attempt to involve her in any activities you do inside the Church. If you do not do any activities, I would start thinking about it. I know there is a tendency for us to clash our love for God with attraction to the opposite sex. This does not always have to be. Since Christ is the center of our lives, the person we have feelings for, should also have Christ at the center of their life. That puts you both on the same path and in my opinion, removes much of the tension. I would try to stop obsessing about how she feels about you and just let your love for Christ flow through you to her.
Remember, how a person feels about you is their business, but you always be the genuine guy in care and love that you always are and you will never go wrong. And then, maybe, if she loves Christ and His Church like you do, conversations begin to happen. You may draw closer and closer where she will begin to open up and then her feelings toward you are no longer so ambiguous. Enjoy her company! If you like her, then just go on liking her and being yourself. If the day comes you feel comfortable enough to tell her, then tell her. And if she rejects that, which is always possible, just look at it that you can now stop wondering at all and get back to focusing on Christ until someone else comes along that Christ puts in your path. Always let Him pick’em.
Also remember the most important thing is God, and especially when it comes to relationships like this, having that in common is crucial. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to date only those who are as serious about God as you are. Everything else about them is not nearly important as that. You will save yourself a lot of heart ache if you follow that simple rule. Because trust me, if you don’t have that in common, you not only usually end up losing the girl, you also usually end up losing Christ. I’ve seen it happen too many times.
Have fun, don’t worry so much, and leave room for Christ to work.
 
I can relate to your feelings, better then I would like to. At least you have a chance, and you seem to love her so much. You can build a stronger relationship with God and still love her as you do. Don’t deny your feelings if someone ask you about them, just do your very best to get her, it sounds that she is worth all effort you can do.
 
Why don’t you just try talking to her, like a person, instead of treating her, like a woman?
 
What should you do? Pray. Husbands are commanded to “love their wives”. It’s a tough road to hoe. Pray. Read the scriptures on what it takes to be a husband, then translate that into “your” present situation as being a boyfriend and if you want to lead a woman in that direction. As far as your friends advice on not always being nice to a girl, get rid of him and go for her.
 
realtiger said:
…From what I hear, unrequited love can bring great works of art like songs and maybe books. So maybe the pain I will receive if she rejects me won’t be bad as long as I can convert it to something positive. I do love her because she is intelligent, beautiful, and I feel she has a heart of gold. I feel she has something a lot of girls in my area don’t have. I don’t want to be in the dreaded “brother zone” with her. But even if we don’t end up in a relationship I still always want to be her friend. She is also a practicing Roman Catholic from what I can see, if that helps. I still pray for her.

What should I do?
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Let’s be really clear about one thing: unrequited love is not love that it is too cowardly to ever try, and “cowardly” is not to strong a word if the only thing holding you back is fear of failure. Unrequited love is a romantic attraction that tried and failed. A romantic attraction that was not put off for a worthy reason–she is already spoken for, he is called to religious life, one of them has to move away, one of them is not ready for courtshp–is not the stuff of great art. It is pathetic, and it does not feel good to look back on it later.

Let us also be clear about this: If you don’t marry her, you are in the “brother zone” forever. No dread in that, because all but one of the women in your life–that is, you wife–belong there. Realize, too, that if you don’t marry her you will* not* always be close friends, because she is inevitably going to marry or join a religious community, and she will have to concentrate on those to whom she is vowed instead of to you.

Third thing: The good married couples around you realized that courtship and the love of God are not mutually exclusive. Even if you are discerning a radical dedication to God that precludes marriage–and blessings upon you if you are!–it is still OK to consider having a girlfriend. I know quite a few priests who say it was their girlfriend who encouraged them to re-consider their vocation to the priesthood. Those who love you will want you to live according to God’s plan for you.

I think you are making this too hard. She is a good friend. If you are old enough to court, as the encouragement of her parents would tell me that you are, then ask her on one of those innocent outings that people take when they are courting. People who are courting go to movies, but so do young women go to movies with young men who are honorable friends. People who are courting go out for dinners or picnics or to sporting events, but so do good friends. Dare to spend some time with her and her alone. Ask her in a, “maybe we will fall in love, but maybe we will just talk and get to know each other and ourselves better, and be ready to fall in love in the right way when the right person comes along.” Treat her like a lady ought to be treated, and tell her, “If you don’t fall in love with me, that is the way it goes, but do not fall for anyone who does not treat you so well.” If nothing else, teach her that a good man will always treat her well and will always consider her dignity and her feelings, and she ought to have nothing less…ever. If she says that a man who treats her badly is attractive, challenge that. That is the moth talking about a flame, not a love talking about a love, and so don’t mince words.

IOW, you don’t have to reveal your feelings for her right up front. You only have to let on that you are willing to see if feelings might develop between the two of you, given the chance. If she says, “sorry, but you are brother material”, will you really feel worse than you do now? And what if, twenty years from now, you find her saying that she thought you were something special and always wished you had asked her out? What then? Do you realize that there are women who are happily married to someone they once thought “brother material”? You must not realize how often that happens. Women do grow in wisdom, sometimes, you know!

If you are ready yourself for courtship, stick your toe into the water and dare to ask her out. You do not have to lay all your cards on the table, and you would be wise not to do so. That puts her on the spot. There is a middle way, where you let her know your are interested in perhaps becoming interested, if she is interested in perhaps becoming interested. If she says she is not, you can say, “oh, well, that is OK. Maybe someday. I can still be friends with a woman who has not the wisdom to fall in love instantly with me! But you had better be careful! I will not be available forever! :D” Yes, you can pretend you are taking her hesitation without taking it at all personally. It is called being polite. It will spare her feelings and only increase you in her estimation.
 
They say to learn a new language, you have to make a million mistakes, so don’t be afraid to make them. Jump in and start talking. The same can be said of romantic pursuits, provided you safeguard yourself and others with regards to chastity. It is not the end of the world to fail; most people do. It is not the end of the world to love someone who hasn’t fallen in love with you; it has happened to most of us. It does not hurt forever.

The regret of hanging back and never trying, however, lasts a lot longer. If I had to live my life over again, I’d start this whole courting thing later than I did, so of course you should not feel pressured into the early rites of courtship when you are not old enough to proceed to marriage. If you are not ready for marriage, then give thanks if you are not on fire to start dating! You will be spared many trials in your young life that way, so don’t get me wrong about that. Being an old lady of 50, though, I’d say that trying and failing hurts a lot less than looking back on a life where you failed because you never tried at all. If you are ready to start finding a wife, do not fear going out to look for one, or fear that God is not there to guide you toward that end.
 
Thanks guys for your help!! Should I bring up the time her dad said he would like for us to go out with each other (even in a joking manner, nothing serious like “hey you won’t believe what happened to me at church, your dad wanted us to go out” and just laugh it off) to her?
 
realtiger said:
Thanks guys for your help!! Should I bring up the time her dad said he would like for us to go out with each other (even in a joking manner, nothing serious like “hey you won’t believe what happened to me at church, your dad wanted us to go out” and just laugh it off) to her?
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No. Please don’t involve her dad in what you say. And why would you want to make a joke about it if you actually want to go out with her?

Again, how old are you?
 
Irishmom2 said:
No. Please don’t involve her dad in what you say. And why would you want to make a joke about it if you actually want to go out with her?

Again, how old are you?
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I’m 24 and I’m honestly having second thoughts about dating her.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Okay, so now I am confused about what you are asking. 😊
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I just wanted to ask if it was okay for me to tell what her dad said to me but I think you are right in that I shouldn’t tell her (even if I’m not planning on going out with her.)
 
Update. Now that I’m on spring break I am trying to go to daily mass and pray the rosary every day. As I’m doing this I am realizing I don’t need her and that I need Jesus. Also I think daily mass is strengthening me so I am planning on what I want to do in the future. She might not like me but at least I have a future to look forward to.
 
She’s one of the closest friends and I’m one of hers. I feel at times to just tell her I like her and that is why I want to distance myself from her. But I don’t want to cause drama and I still do want to be her friend.
 
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