I Want to Flee Again (Or How to Love Unlovable People)

[Nap66]

Well, I want to flee again, far away from two people in my life. These two people (relatives) are the most miserable, unlovable, and selfish people I have ever met. Last year I fled far away from them and just wanted to start a new life where the depression and overall miserableness emanating from them would never enter my life again. But then God told me “uh no, you will go back and deal with them.” And to prove his point God set circumstances in motion that led me straight back to them.

It’s now going on a year and I want to flee again. Nothing has changed with these two people even though I tried and tried to help them. I try to be patient and have some compassion, but Lordy, they make it so difficult to be even in the same room with them. I went to Thanksgiving mass tonight and told Jesus that I want to flee and that I don’t know what God wants me to do with them but nothing I do works. I know they will never change, so why are they in my life? What do I need to learn from them? So far all I’ve learned is depression, miserableness and selfishness.

How to love unlovable people? How to have compassion for uncompassionate people? How to be selfless to selfish people? I wish I knew. God help me.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Honestly, it sounds like you need to work with a professional on creating boundaries and dealing with toxic people.

From what you said here it sounds like you’re not helping them but becoming a complete enabler.

 

[rebeccanew1]

Toxic people are most dangerous to themselves. Now that you know that, show God’s mercy and love every chance you can! You have to be independent-so work on that with all your energy and prayers-just some words from my PHd in life

 

[PetraG]

First off, remember that God loves you. You’re not exactly the easiest to take.

Secondly, remember that you do not have to put them in a position of trust. You are allowed to lower your expectations, say, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do,” and prepare yourself to debrief after encounters that are likely (but not certain, people do rise sometimes!) to leave you feeling lower.

Every time you love someone as yourself–that is, look past their faults and show the same mercy for them as you easily do for your own–you put yourself open to receiving mercy when the day comes that you are confronted with exactly what you have been in your ignorance and self-concern. I don’t just mean you, of course! I mean all of us. Those who are generous will be well-disposed to receive the generosity they will need when they see what they have actually allowed themselves to be.

 

[PetraG]

I think the original poster gave far too little information to allow anyone to conclude that there is enabling going on. (That is, of course, to be avoided with great diligence, as it drags down both the enabler and the enabled.)

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I think the original poster gave far too little information to allow anyone to conclude that there is enabling going on. (That is, of course, to be avoided with great diligence, as it drags down both the enabler and the enabled.)

I saw enough with context clues.

Even if someone is dealing with a terminal illness, a year of not changing (attitude) can be overwhelming. At some point, if a person eliminates only depression and miserableness and are not working to form a change–and another party is part of their care–that person is likely enabling them in some way.

 

[PetraG]

Yes, if you want what is good for someone more than they want it for themselves, you are very likely to find yourself in a “pearls before swine” situation. The pearls are wasted and you just get torn to pieces for your trouble. Those without the capacity to appreciate or profit from your efforts aren’t helped and may even be upset for nothing.

Having said that, I know people who are insensitive and clueless without malice. Sometimes, they’re even trying to be decent. They’re just socially blind. They don’t know how great the difference is between what they intend (which may be either good but at least may be no harm meant) and the actual effect they have. With that sort, just learning not to take their social ineptitude personally can be a great help.

Yes, that’s something to talk over with someone who has the background to help one sort these things out. When the issue’s size is typical, lay people work fine. When the situation is not typical, it may be time to call in a professional to sort things out and yes, learn how boundaries are drawn by loving people.

People think Our Lord had no boundaries, but He did:
“While he was in Jerusalem for the feast of Passover, many began to believe in his name when they saw the signs he was doing. But Jesus would not trust himself to them because he knew them all, and did not need anyone to testify about human nature. He himself understood it well.” John 2:23-25

 

[DarkLight]

If you need to interact, perhaps becoming a bit of a broken record might help? For example, you can say “gee, that sounds tough. I’d look for a therapist, they’d be far more helpful!” Rephrase as needed, and repeat.

 

[shainski]

I agree with Petra that you have given too little information to adequately give you any advice.

How often do you see these people? Do you live with them? Do you seem that weekly at mass? only on holidays?

It seems to me that if you could decrease the number of interactions that you have, then you may have more charity and resolve to be able to handle their flaws.

Do you have to live so close by that can’t avoid seeing them on a regular basis? I don’t think God is asking you to live in a toxic environment - unless they are some kind of special needs individuals that require your care. But you were too vague to understand exactly what kind of hold they have over you.