I Want to Know Why...(wife vs. porn)

[DevstdWife]

Hello to all. This is my first post and unfortunately it is not a happy one.

I recently discovered my husband has a habit with porn and masturbation. Long story short, We talked and he’s trying to change. Thank the Lord.

But I just want to know if anybody has an explanation as to why guys choose porn over their wife. I just don’t understand. How can a man want to view that stuff and do that to himself over being with a person, his wife? It just doesn’t register with me.

After I confronted my husband about viewing internet porn, he told me he was tempted to go buy a magazine since I can view his history. He says didn’t do it but it just boggles my mind to think that he has a woman at home but would choose to gratify himself with an image on paper. How does that make sense?

I hope I am not rambling. I just find it hard to not understand this addiction.

Hope I get some good responses.

Thanks and God Bless.

 

[steveandersen]

I’m sure there are many reasons

• Control. He can do what he wants at his tempo. stop or start as needed
• Fantasies have no needs of their own. There are no obligations or expectations.
• Fantasies never have headaches, gas, cramps, spinach between the teeth. They never nag.
• Fantasies never say no. Sometimes it is embarrassing or risky to ask for what you want/need especially with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. If they are offended by what you want and you have to face them over the breakfast table or they tell the loud mouthed in-law……
• Difference/newness has a powerful physical attraction.
• people like sex.
• it feels good.

 

[1ke]

Yes, it is an addiction, and a sin against the virtue of chastity. It is a failure in self-mastery.

I do not know why men (or women) choose to view these images. I’m sure the temptation is increased partly because it is so readily available and accepted in secular culture.

I suggest the website www.dads.org which is a Catholic men’s organization. They have support and resources for pornography addiction recovery, see this page of the website.

 

[AndyF]

DevstdWife:

Hope I get some good responses.

I hope being perfectly frank and opinionated is OK too.

Religious point of view, we are being tempted and submit to extra marital sex either fully expressed or in wishful thinking.

Practical point of view is a bit longer. It may be a sin but it has as it’s root a practical base. We are primates and it is unnatural for male primates to be monogamous(sp?), females also. The reason is the more partners, the more genetic diversity in the offspring and chance for conception, which is a good reason. In primates the group takes on the responsibility of child rearing, with the mother taking on that responsibility predominatly in the early years.

Now the connection. If it is the intent for any superior being to plant the seed that a sexual behaviour is wrong(or misplaced.), then it is inevitable the two forces, one of the will and one of nature will be continuosly at war. The celestial score keepers find this torture very interesting, and in fact is a cruelty on the human species. The fires of hades is continuoully stoked with those unfortunate enough to comply with the enemy … nature.

The result of this moral stop gap is what we see today in all forms of methods found as unconscience substitute in expressing the natural condition. We have the substitute lessening of the libido in masturbation naturally expressed in random copulation. We have the substitute visual stimuli of porn magazines replacing the visual and common natural spontaneous intercourse scene,etc. The psychologists have a field day with these problems where they know full well the cause. Many other symptoms of the sexual restraint are expressed in other non-sexual ways as well.

Oddly, the big deal of sex wouldn’t be such a big deal if the natural course was removed of it’s moral shackles and allowed to express itself. Sex would eventually be no more an excitement than drinking water. Albeit a few years of excess would truly be the outcome, the kettle under continuous pressure allowed to boil to it’s end. But eventually we would see less sexual crime as intercourse would be common and no need to take what is already available free. Disease would be a problem, but it already is now.

Strangely still, we have more proof that the celestial audience in their bleachers doesn’t want to see this moral gladiator sex game stop evidence an error it/they/he made previously. (The celestial beings don’t feel they need to be consistant to lessor beings, a privledge of rank I guess.) Some humans unable to win this arena fight ask to have the sexual drive removed. A logical and wise move for those destined for the inferno. Man perfectly willing to chance it anyway is also chucked out.

That creates a problem for the celestial sports people. "Gosh, we made an unambigouos promise that we would give them a fish and not a snake when they ask for it. What do we do now?. “Well” they said “We certainly can’t let them by with this loop hole, we’ll just tell them we will decide what is best for them in their best interest.”

I have no good news for you really. You will need to ask those same sports buffs through prayers to help your family, and he will need to ask the Blessed Mother for help. Obligations to the Church, and charity will get you a good hearing as well. The Rosary will help also. He will need a diversion and maybe a few nights out with you to return focus on yourself. Relive the early years to rekindle that spark and don’t be afraid to start over and laugh.

As you can see I am not very happy with the human condition in the sexual element, and I have always believed there is something amiss in the sexual department that man is not aware of. I am a “poor sport” unwilling to play this insensitive sex game thrust on us. I am saddened to see people continuously burdened with sexual problems that have no roots in something they have done.

FWIW: I am sexually content and happily married.

AndyF

 

[Jay2]

I’ll get in serious trouble here if I said what was really on my mind, but in a nutshell “Andy” & “Steve” have nailed it.

FWIW: I am sexually content and happily married.

I too am both… sexually content & happily married, but “content” doesn’t necessarily mean “satisfied”…

 

[Scout]

I hope I am not rambling. I just find it hard to not understand this addiction.

Hope I get some good responses.

Thanks and God Bless.

Well, I hate to be blunt, but here goes…

Men (and women) look at these images because they find them stimulating and exciting. The images on the screen are fantasy-I mean, how many of us actually look like those people. People like living in their fantasies, and that’s what those images give them-their fantasies. In their fantasies, everything is perfect and requires little effort. However, in real life, everything (even sex) takes work. Most people don’t like to work, so it’s easier to dream about a place where everything is perfect.

I’m not sure any of this makes sense, and I’m sure others will disagree with me. Also, I don’t think this is the only reason, but it’s just one possible explanation.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[StCsDavid]

Hello to all. This is my first post and unfortunately it is not a happy one.

I recently discovered my husband has a habit with porn and masturbation. Long story short, We talked and he’s trying to change. Thank the Lord.

But I just want to know if anybody has an explanation as to why guys choose porn over their wife. I just don’t understand. How can a man want to view that stuff and do that to himself over being with a person, his wife? It just doesn’t register with me.

After I confronted my husband about viewing internet porn, he told me he was tempted to go buy a magazine since I can view his history. He says didn’t do it but it just boggles my mind to think that he has a woman at home but would choose to gratify himself with an image on paper. How does that make sense?

I hope I am not rambling. I just find it hard to not understand this addiction.

Hope I get some good responses.

Thanks and God Bless.

What I find a bit disturbing is the seemingly normalization and simple explanations of why men look at porn. There’s almost an implied justification with the use of biological, physiological, and psychological excuses. Perhaps in our Internet fed culture pornography has become more common and certainly instantly accessible; however, it is and has always been a disordered thing. It is evil.

Why your husband chooses porn over you may not be the most productive question to be asking. He most likely chose porn before he even met you, and likely had no intention of giving it up when he exchanged vows. Bluntly put, he was cheating on you when you got married and that part of his character didn’t change. The question is how do you choose to cooperate with his choices, weaknesses, addictions, whatever the case may be?

The sad part is that he likely doesn’t see his use of porn in the same light as committing adultery. To him it’s a private sin. He needs help. He needs your prayers. And, IMHO, he owes you more than an “I’m trying to change.” He needs to show concrete proof of that change over an extended period of time. This has been a huge violation of trust. If you guys just set it aside or pretend it’s not a big deal it will fester in your marriage for decades.

I would encourage professional marriage counseling from a Catholic counselor. As you have discovered, the porn is not just about sex as he has that readily available in you.

 

[thomasf]

From my own personal experience:

It’s got nothing to do with you, his wife. It’s not something he does instead of having sex with you, it’s something he does in additional to sex with you. It’s not the same kind of sexual experience. Having sex with you is an emotional experience, a marital experience. Looking at porn and masturbating is an ‘exercise’ of pure sexual sensation and pleasure, for a single purpose. To get off. That’s it. He looks at porn because it turns him on. Men are visual and voyueristic. They like to see sex and look at naked women. That’s what turns them on. So they look at porn to get turned on, and fantasize, and then masturbate. It’s not about a marital act, it’s about making yourself feel good, quick and easy.

Sometimes guys don’t want to have sex, they just want to get off.

Now, I’m not condoning that or saying it’s right. I’m just saying that from my experience in the past before I came to understand the church’s position, this is how I looked at it and behaved. Looking at porn and masturbation wasn’t a substitution for my wife, it was an entirely different act. I did it for a reason, and it wasn’t the same reason why I wanted to have sexual relations for my wife.

Hope that helps.

 

[bilop]

So you think we’d be better off if we copulated at will like animals?

Has the sexual revolution tought you nothing?

It is ridiculous to say that it is “natural” (i.e. animals do it) to have sex with many partners, so we should.

It is “natural” to kill for access to resources (animals do it). There are some really nice house in my town; should I be able to kill the owners so I can have them.

You really should study the Theology of the Body. You don’t really understand sex and marriage from a Christian perspective.

God Bless

DevstdWife:

I hope being perfectly frank and opinionated is OK too.

Religious point of view, we are being tempted and submit to extra marital sex either fully expressed or in wishful thinking.

Practical point of view is a bit longer. It may be a sin but it has as it’s root a practical base. We are primates and it is unnatural for male primates to be monogamous(sp?), females also. The reason is the more partners, the more genetic diversity in the offspring and chance for conception, which is a good reason. In primates the group takes on the responsibility of child rearing, with the mother taking on that responsibility predominatly in the early years.

Now the connection. If it is the intent for any superior being to plant the seed that a sexual behaviour is wrong(or misplaced.), then it is inevitable the two forces, one of the will and one of nature will be continuosly at war. The celestial score keepers find this torture very interesting, and in fact is a cruelty on the human species. The fires of hades is continuoully stoked with those unfortunate enough to comply with the enemy … nature.

The result of this moral stop gap is what we see today in all forms of methods found as unconscience substitute in expressing the natural condition. We have the substitute lessening of the libido in masturbation naturally expressed in random copulation. We have the substitute visual stimuli of porn magazines replacing the visual and common natural spontaneous intercourse scene,etc. The psychologists have a field day with these problems where they know full well the cause. Many other symptoms of the sexual restraint are expressed in other non-sexual ways as well.

Oddly, the big deal of sex wouldn’t be such a big deal if the natural course was removed of it’s moral shackles and allowed to express itself. Sex would eventually be no more an excitement than drinking water. Albeit a few years of excess would truly be the outcome, the kettle under continuous pressure allowed to boil to it’s end. But eventually we would see less sexual crime as intercourse would be common and no need to take what is already available free. Disease would be a problem, but it already is now.

Strangely still, we have more proof that the celestial audience in their bleachers doesn’t want to see this moral gladiator sex game stop evidence an error it/they/he made previously. (The celestial beings don’t feel they need to be consistant to lessor beings, a privledge of rank I guess.) Some humans unable to win this arena fight ask to have the sexual drive removed. A logical and wise move for those destined for the inferno. Man perfectly willing to chance it anyway is also chucked out.

That creates a problem for the celestial sports people. "Gosh, we made an unambigouos promise that we would give them a fish and not a snake when they ask for it. What do we do now?. “Well” they said “We certainly can’t let them by with this loop hole, we’ll just tell them we will decide what is best for them in their best interest.”

I have no good news for you really. You will need to ask those same sports buffs through prayers to help your family, and he will need to ask the Blessed Mother for help. Obligations to the Church, and charity will get you a good hearing as well. The Rosary will help also. He will need a diversion and maybe a few nights out with you to return focus on yourself. Relive the early years to rekindle that spark and don’t be afraid to start over and laugh.

As you can see I am not very happy with the human condition in the sexual element, and I have always believed there is something amiss in the sexual department that man is not aware of. I am a “poor sport” unwilling to play this insensitive sex game thrust on us. I am saddened to see people continuously burdened with sexual problems that have no roots in something they have done.

FWIW: I am sexually content and happily married.

AndyF

 

[mpb74]

I believe men do it because it does come natural to most teenage boys and men. because it comes naturally doesn’t make it right. I beleive that battling and overcoming many of the instincts which became disordered with the Fall was the nature of what we do as Catholics. We don’t all share the same disorders in the same catagories as each other, but we all tend toward sin in one way or the other.

We all have weaknesses. The test is what we do about them. This weaknesses has nothing to do with Wife vs. porn. It is about a mans nature to sin. The first thing he has to do is realize that it is sin. He needs to know that it is cheating on his wife. He needs to know the pain he is causing. Prayer can help. An honest discussion of the facts are important. Honest expression of pain caused are also important. Dan

 

[Gamera]

But I just want to know if anybody has an explanation as to why guys choose porn over their wife. I just don’t understand. How can a man want to view that stuff and do that to himself over being with a person, his wife? It just doesn’t register with me.

Welcome to the board.

Sorry about your situation.

A man doesn’t face any less temptation toward illicit sexual activity because he has a wife. It doesn’t work that way. Just because someone possesses a lot of money, doesn’t automatically reduce their temptation to steal.

 

[DevstdWife]

I feel that I have less temptation than I did before I was married. I know not everybody is the same though.

Thank you for your postings. You all have shed a little bit more light on the subject for me especially from those men who have been addicted in the past.

My husband and I have a long wrong ahead of us. We still are discussing “the facts”.

Thanks again and God Bless.

 

[AndyF]

So you think we’d be better off if we copulated at will like animals?

No, that if my theory is true that our ancient ancestors carried on the common practice of open intercourse, then perhaps if it were kept up today nonstop it wouldn’t be so shocking. As a matter of fact up until the turn of the century a few cultures had this practice without terrible consequences. These people were very sexually content and the prudes of our modern times couldn’t understand this. But eventually they “got religion” and the innocent acts that hurt no one were seen to be the foul deeds that they were. But all the same your forgiven for the unwarranted ad hominem attack.

Has the sexual revolution tought you nothing?

Yes. At the risk of repeating myself, that there may be a correlation between modern man’s various ways of repressing sexual expression and what we know about how these drives were handled by our ancestors.

It is ridiculous to say that it is (i.e. animals do it) to have sex with many partners, so we should.

Probably too late now for sure in this puritan age, but we can at least admit to a probable cause. Man in his selective rules of behaviour has boxed himself in to a dilemna culminating in our times. Makes work for the clergy and psychiatrists who will quash any reasonable theories for a cause. The mayem and the billions of dollars the sex problems bring assist someone somewhere. BTW: Revelation is chock full of tacit approval for deviant sexual behaviour. Deviant meaning the breaking of devine sexual laws understood to be in effect. There you will find a list of who not to fornicate with as if an overriding law didn’t exist that sex before marriage was forbidden. Another gets to have sex with his daughters without the blink of a theological eye of it’s morality. Scripture proves our theory. You don’t hear of kings with many wives raping everyone they can get their hands on. King Solomon had it good and seems to be a level headed person and why shouldn’t he with 50 wives to satiate his libido. You hear of his other problems but never his sexual ones. We give him credit for his accomplishments, but much of this is so because he was satisfied in another important way. Scripture never talks about these things of course. Solomon himself probably couldn’t understand in appreciation the crimes of rape that he was presented with to judge. The remainder is pure presumption and doesn’t qualify for an answer. The above doesn’t really either, but hey I’m is a good mood.

You really should study the Theology of the Body.

A body is a material thing. If a theology is based on it, then it would have called for a complete study of the libido, hormones, genetics and all the rest beforehand. If based on the purely spiritual then it has been misdirected.

For hundreds of years the Church states sexual mortal sin has no more assistance for the temptation than any other sin. Now medicine proves there is a programming component and hormones drive the individual as well making it unique. With this news the Church suddenly feels it needs to teach Theology of the Body to it’s people. How does this new release help those through the ages who were beside themselves in sexual habits not knowing what is occuring within them.?

AndyF

 

[Delphinus85]

Hello to all. This is my first post and unfortunately it is not a happy one.

I recently discovered my husband has a habit with porn and masturbation. Long story short, We talked and he’s trying to change. Thank the Lord.

But I just want to know if anybody has an explanation as to why guys choose porn over their wife. I just don’t understand. How can a man want to view that stuff and do that to himself over being with a person, his wife? It just doesn’t register with me.

After I confronted my husband about viewing internet porn, he told me he was tempted to go buy a magazine since I can view his history. He says didn’t do it but it just boggles my mind to think that he has a woman at home but would choose to gratify himself with an image on paper. How does that make sense?

I hope I am not rambling. I just find it hard to not understand this addiction.

Hope I get some good responses.

Thanks and God Bless.

While my husband doesn’t have this issue, he did explain to me that masturbation/porn is completely different than sex. He told me that for some guys it’s almost a completely different desire. For example, my husband likes sex, and he is sometimes sad when we can’t for whatever reason (health issues, etc…) but isn’t tempted to look at porn or masturbate because it’snot that he craves, but sex. Likewise some guys may feel “sexually fulfilled” but still want porn.

It’s not really logical to me, but it makes sense.

 

[Petergee]

The same reason people engage in any other sexual perversion (sodomy, contraception, bestiality, whatever): because they want the physical pleasure without the love. Also he probably started doing it long before he met you, and any perverted sexual desire which a person acts out repeatedly, imposes an addiction on him. Sex ties strings. But yes he CAN overcome his addiction if he really wants to and if he really loves you. Especially with the help of the sacraments.

AndyF, Western countries have been trying to put your theory of “morality-free sex” into practice for forty years now, and there’s no sign yet that anyone is getting bored with sex. Many of them are getting so bored and blase about normal sex that they are increasingly turning to weirder and weirder perversions though.

 

[Mac6yver]

I’m sure there are many reasons

• Control. He can do what he wants at his tempo. stop or start as needed
• Fantasies have no needs of their own. There are no obligations or expectations.
• Fantasies never have headaches, gas, cramps, spinach between the teeth. They never nag.
• Fantasies never say no. Sometimes it is embarrassing or risky to ask for what you want/need especially with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. If they are offended by what you want and you have to face them over the breakfast table or they tell the loud mouthed in-law……
• Difference/newness has a powerful physical attraction.
• people like sex.
• it feels good.

These are pretty good explanations. Masturbation is fairly common, and your husband is no exception. I do it, and I am married. The friends I have who are married or in a committed relationship practice it as well.

 

[NoxSineStellae]

Before we were married, my husband used to look at porn. When I asked him to stop looking at the porn, he did, out of respect for me, but still maintained that it was harmless. What convinced him otherwise was me watching it with him - NOT in a sexual way. My opinion is the most important to him, and he gives it a lot of weight. I went through what he had on his computer (so he couldn’t cherry pick what he wanted me to think he was watching) and we viewed bits and pieces (no pun intended) together. Frankly, a lot of it was hilarious, and I mocked it, making him laugh, and relax. I then started pointing out how out of it and stoned the women looked, even the ones who really seemed to be enjoying it (he loved porn where it appeared the woman was having the time of her life). I pointed out the statistic that something like 90% of women in porn, and a lot of the men, have been sexually abused in their lives, and acting out in this way is either how they deal with it, or they are still being taken advantage of. I was sexually abused at a young age (and exposed to pornography as a child) and he knows how it damaged me, even though I did not become promiscuous. I asked him to think about my pain, and imagine those women feel the same, and how he is getting off on their tragedy. He hasn’t had a glimmer of interest in it since.

I’m not suggesting you go watch porn with your husband (many men would take that entirely the wrong way, I knew my DH wouldn’t) and if you’ve never seen any, KEEP it that way, it’s vile. But it’s a useful conversation to have - unless your husband is a total sicko that gets off on people having been abused, making him face the facts about the industry may be enough wake him up.

 

[bilop]

These are pretty good explanations. Masturbation is fairly common, and your husband is no exception. I do it, and I am married. The friends I have who are married or in a committed relationship practice it as well.

Not from a religious point of view, since I see you are agnostic, but why do it when you are in a relationship? I understand if one is not otherwise sexually active. But if you are…?

God Bless

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Gosh. Here I thought we were better than the animals. And that God created Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Eve and Peggy and Lisa and Rianna…

All from a man’s point of view there, huh, Andy? Because in a man’s world it’s all about distributing seed. Well, let’s see how that attitude works in practice. We have people with no inhibitions about sex, doing it with multiple women all over the place, having seven or eight children before they are 20. Are they bored yet? Naah. They go on to have more kids. And those kids grow up in fatherless homes and the mothers live in poverty, having been used and abandoned. And they have no man to protect them and care for the children. Yes, it’s all very animalistic. Survival of the fittest in the urban jungle. Everyone is happy and sexually satisfied. Even the young children that older men prey on.

Hooray for animal behavior! It’s been a rousing social success! What does God know, giving us a plan of behavior that allows children to grow up in dignity and security!

But let’s take that spreading of genetic material further. Like real animals. I think men should start mating with more women and killing the offspring that aren’t theirs. That should really solidify their genetic footprint in the community! And when there are scarce resources, mothers should be allowed to kill the weaker offspring.

Yay Andy! And we won’t have any more social problems.

In Andy’s world, men have no responsibility. Just sex sex sex everywhere with everyone!

Because in Andy’s world, there is no bonding with sex. No emotional component. No need for loyalty or security or fidelity.

Because Andy wants a man’s world. Where the needs of women and children take a back seat.

And suppressing irresponsibility and exploitation is seen as a worse problem than promiscuity and a zoo mentality.

The difference between us and animals, Andy, is that we were infused with an immortal soul. And calling someone an animal is an insult because we know innately that we are called to a higher standard.

As for porn… not every man looks at it. Some recognize that it is tantamount to adultery. And they wouldn’t want their wives looking at other men and falling short by comparison. So they don’t have a double standard. Seek help. Because if it doesn’t bother him that you are upset, your problem is more than porn.

 

[FrankLawrence]

Well, I’ll echo some of the other posters in suggesting that he likely had this problem long before he met you, so, as difficult as this concept may be to fathom, don’t view it as a personal rejection of you.

The issue is actually more between him and God. Is your husband a devout Catholic? Does he understand that we are called to be OBEDIENT servants? Does he understand Matthew 5:28?

The good news is that if he is a devout Catholic, he has an excellent chance of overcoming these sins, although I must forewarn you, recovery from a deeply entrenched addiction, which I heard is more addictive than heroin, is not something that is likely to occur overnight.

If he is neither a devout Catholic nor a devout Protestant, however, no offense, and nothing personal, but his love for you is not likely to enable him to overcome this. Many single men who are addicted to sexual sin often think that marriage will cure them. Sadly, as they(and their wives and children) find out the hard way, it usually does not. Sexual sin is usually not a result of a lack of a spouse, but a lack of FULL submission to God, thus it can plague “happily” married men just as badly as it can plague the loneliest of the lonely single men.

So, what can you do to help him? Well, the answer is not so much about the bedroom as it is about improving his faith life. The closer your husband draws to God, the closer he will draw to you, as he’ll realize such is required of him, as a man devoted to God. There are various Catholic and Protestant websites and resources that can help him. There are also resources out there for wives whose marriages were harmed by their husband’s sexual sins. He needs to realize the magnitude of his sexual sins in terms of how they impact his relationship with GOD. If he places God at the center, then everything else will fall into place.

If you try to solve the problem by getting him to place his sexual desires towards you at the center, then you must partake in every perversion that he wills for you to do, even those explicitly forbidden by the Catholic Church, and those that may require you to share him with other women. That would be a mortal sin for you and him, and would be a worse situation than the pornography. So, that would be a LOSING battle. Also, you wouldn’t be allowed to age or even think about gaining any weight.

In other words, the issue is primarily between your husband and God, NOT your husband and you. Your best bet is to help him in THAT relationship, and after you succeed, I guarantee, your husband’s relationship with YOU will be better than either of you ever imagined.

Well, that’s my two cents plus tax, but I’m no counselor, so you are best off seeking a professional counselor who is within the Catholic Church, or even a priest.