I want to raise a Catholic family; she does not. Help?

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Think and pray very hard about this. I was in the same situation. And now I am paying a terrible price…to my shame, my 3 year old son is not baptized because my wife opposes it. I’ve discussed with priests and there’s nothing I can do at this point except continue to witness my faith to him and pray that either my wife comes around or he chooses baptism himself in a few years.
I believe I sinned during the marriage discernment process because I knew this could be an issue, and part of me regrets that the priests involved weren’t more stringent.
 
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mrsdizzyd said:
she will likely have to assent to raising the kids Catholic…
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Actaually, our OP will have to promise to do what is within his power to raise the children Catholic. The non Catholic is simply made aware of this promise.
 
mrsdizzyd said:
All I’ll say is that it is extremely important that you both settle this issue before you take your relationship farther. Also bear in mind that, in order to have a Catholic wedding, she will likely have to assent to raising the kids Catholic…
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And I doubt that a non-Catholic who doesn’t believe in the teachings of the Catholic Church would be willing to practice Natural Family Planning (NFP) and probably wouldn’t really understand the Church’s teachings on not using contraception. As a non-Catholic myself, Catholic teachings about sex and contraception don’t seem very convincing or appealing, but after spending a while here in CAF, I have no doubt that they’re very important to devout Catholics. I can see how that issue alone would be a big problem in a relationship if it’s not worked out beforehand.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Actaually, our OP will have to promise to do what is within his power to raise the children Catholic. The non Catholic is simply made aware of this promise.
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I’ve heard this, but I can’t help but wonder about the spiritual conflict that this will cause in a family structure.
 
I’m a convert, but my husband is not. He is also resistant to our kids being baptized. It is so difficult. Every parent wants what’s best for their child. It is killing me.
 
I would simply not marry her. Its one thing if the spouse were not Catholic, did not feel strongly about their beliefs and allowed you to take the lead and was just support, or was a compatible enough denomination, but if she does not believe in the Church at all, she will only fight against you.
 
Exactly. The reality in the 1983 code is much more nuanced than previous requirements. In times past, the non-Catholic spouse was required to promise to allow the Catholic to raise the kids Catholic. This is no longer the case. The Church imposes nothing on the non-Catholic spouse. The Catholic spouse, however, must promise to do his or her best to raise the kids Catholic. This is the situation I’m in…and thus my son is sadly not baptized.
 
“Exactly. The reality in the 1983 code is much more nuanced than previous requirements. In times past, the non-Catholic spouse was required to promise to allow the Catholic to raise the kids Catholic. This is no longer the case. The Church imposes nothing on the non-Catholic spouse. The Catholic spouse, however, must promise to do his or her best to raise the kids Catholic. This is the situation I’m in…and thus my son is sadly not baptized.“

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So, would there still be SOME hope if they would not resist to me trying to bring them up Catholic? We haven’t discussed that.
 
That’s a discussion you would have to have with your pastor. Just know that I had that discussion…and, regardless, it now grieves me that my son is not baptized.
 
It is best that you’re discovering all of this now. It’s a blessing, really. Better now than after you marry. If you marry her divorce is almost guaranteed in your future. It’s time to cut her loose and move on. Never go into a relationship thinking you’ll change someone or hope they’ll change to be what you want them to be. She’s telling you now how it is going to be. You know where she stands in relation to where you stand. You’re incompatible.
 
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I will pray for your family. The situation you are in is especially hard since it is often not even considered as a possibility when a marriage occurs. Even if considered, the full impact can’t be understood at that time. Just know that God has a plan
 
I was in a similar situation - if she won’t budge, and won’t compromise I would leave if I were you
 
Someone earlier mentioned NFP, and when I brought it up and tried to describe it as best I could (I don’t know everything about it), that you’re abstinent for your most fertile week and you don’t use any contraceptive measures.

She said she wouldn’t use contraceptives…but then turns around and said she would want her tubes tied after a certain amount of kids. :roll_eyes::man_shrugging:t2:
 
I am married to a non-Catholic, a prince of a man who fully cooperated in raising our boys Catholic and accomodating himself to my practice of the faith but who did not convert (at least not yet).

That was hard enough, because he is always, to some extent, on the outside looking in. That’s hard. If this is important enough to you that it is even on your radar–and thank goodness you realize that now, and not later when you have a child in your arms you realize you just have to get baptized–let your girlfriend find someone who will be happy with her just as she is. That is what you ought to want for someone you love, friend. I would not ask her to change herself. If she goes off and changes her stance towards the faith on its own merits, fine. Don’t make this into an ultimatuum.

As for you, find someone who also finds what is so important to you is also important to her. She doesn’t have to be Catholic, although that is the least difficult. She does need to be fully supportive of something this important to you. Besides, if you marry in the Church, the priest will be making certain she knows you have a positive duty to raise your children Catholic–and you do have that duty. That is their birthright.

I had a friend who used to quip: “I tell these young ones, don’t marry for money! Hang around with rich people, and marry for love!”

I’d advise you to do the same. Socialize with other Catholics. Practice your faith seriously, as you intend you will when you are raising your children Catholic. Don’t hide it. Live it. Be open about it. If you don’t marry a Catholic, you’re at least likely to marry somebody who is open to the faith. Better yet: make it clear early on that you need that, because you don’t think it is fair to your children to have this be a point of contention with your wife. I hope you see that is the absolute truth.
 
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Prolly the “separate ways” option is the most realistic.
 
This is a apropos passage from canon law:

CHAPTER VI.

MIXED MARRIAGES

Can. 1124 Without express permission of the competent authority, a marriage is prohibited between two baptized persons of whom one is baptized in the Catholic Church or received into it after baptism and has not defected from it by a formal act and the other of whom is enrolled in a Church or ecclesial community not in full communion with the Catholic Church.

Can. 1125 The local ordinary can grant a permission of this kind if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions have been fulfilled:

1/ the Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;

2/ the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party;

3/ both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage which neither of the contracting parties is to exclude.
 
PetraG said:
–let your girlfriend find someone who will be happy with her just as she is. That is what you ought to want for someone you love, friend. I would not ask her to change herself.
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If I could like your post a million times I would! So much wisdom there from someone who has lived it.

I especially like the part I quoted.
 
I just showed her that, and now she doesn’t even want to get married in the Church anymore.
 
In charity - my atheist ex created a lot of damage in me and I in him. He actually said ‘if someone gives me the last rites I will come back and haunt them if there is any way to do so’. I would honestly say at least pick someone who is open to your faith. My ex was terrified of my faith and yet I honestly believe it was part of why he couldn’t let me go and still needs to be involved In my life as a friend. Hubby knows this - hubby is non catholic Christian. It’s hard not to have your partner on the same page. Don’t marry someone who is convinced there is no God or who isn’t at least open and practising to some degree
 
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