I want to scream, if not escape!

[E_7]

Ok, I wouldn’t escape having a husband and child
But I so want to scream and pull off my hair like argh!!

I don’t want to deal with my in-laws. I will leave it to DH, I’m giving up.

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t want to deal with my in-laws. I will leave it to DH, I’m giving up.

Honestly, I think that’s a better way to deal with it, provided your husband is not going to compromise on the two of you when dealing with his parents.

 

[Kelfa28]

Ok, I wouldn’t escape having a husband and child
But I so want to scream and pull off my hair like argh!!

I don’t want to deal with my in-laws. I will leave it to DH, I’m giving up.

I figured that out when I first got married too.

Hubby gets frustrated with my parents and I get frustrated with his. We deal with our own parents.

Part and partial to marriage, IMHO, crazy in-laws.

Whenever my MIL became disagreeable and too much to handle…I would take the baby into our room and nurse. It worked for awhile and was a pretty good way to totally distract me.

I realize I won’t be able to use that tactic forever…but maybe that is something you can try.

 

[E_7]

Even DH wants to avoid them to some degree. The trick to deal with them is to swallow every comment, criticism, injustices and nod. They want us to live according to their standards.

The worst part is that I feel they say and think that way because I was not brought up in a high social class. I could be wrong. But I also feel I gotta please them if I want them to think and talk good of me and of us.

We like to be more conservative and reserved. We live avoiding certain things where the devil can use as a tool to hurt our family, but they just say we dont trust each other.

 

[Xantippe]

I figured that out when I first got married too.

Hubby gets frustrated with my parents and I get frustrated with his. We deal with our own parents.

Part and partial to marriage, IMHO, crazy in-laws.

Whenever my MIL became disagreeable and too much to handle…I would take the baby into our room and nurse. It worked for awhile and was a pretty good way to totally distract me.

I realize I won’t be able to use that tactic forever…but maybe that is something you can try.

Brilliant! No wonder some women keep breastfeeding into the preschool years!

OP, it’s quite sound policy to hand off your in-laws to your husband. It’s much easier to forgive a son than a daughter-in-law.

 

[Xantippe]

Even DH wants to avoid them to some degree. The trick to deal with them is to swallow every comment, criticism, injustices and nod. They want us to live according to their standards.

The worst part is that I feel they say and think that way because I was not brought up in a high social class. I could be wrong. But I also feel I gotta please them if I want them to think and talk good of me and of us.

We like to be more conservative and reserved. We live avoiding certain things where the devil can use as a tool to hurt our family, but they just say we dont trust each other.

That sounds like none of their business, but I would encourage you to be less clear in your language. Try, “We don’t want to watch that TV show,” rather than “We think that show is an occasion of sin.”

Feel free to spend less time with them.

These are the won’t-stop-to-let-you-breastfeed in-laws, yes? If so, you have all my sympathy.

 

[EasterJoy]

Even DH wants to avoid them to some degree. The trick to deal with them is to swallow every comment, criticism, injustices and nod. They want us to live according to their standards.

The worst part is that I feel they say and think that way because I was not brought up in a high social class. I could be wrong. But I also feel I gotta please them if I want them to think and talk good of me and of us.

We like to be more conservative and reserved. We live avoiding certain things where the devil can use as a tool to hurt our family, but they just say we dont trust each other.

It is a good and natural impulse to want to get along well with your husband’s relatives. Having said that, ask yourself why it is important to have validation from people that you think are a few cards short of a full deck in the wisdom department. Let go of wanting them to think and talk well of you. It would have been nice, but accept that it is probably not going to happen and in the big picture is not the most important thing in the world. It is hard, but when you consider how much guff the Lord got by doing the right thing instead of the popular thing, that may help.

Yes, I’d let your husband deal with his own family. He will naturally be more willing to take their opinions for what they are worth. Deal with them in ways that witness to the love, mercy, and goodness of God.

Now who is going to harm you if you are enthusiastic for what is good? But even if you should suffer because of righteousness, blessed are you. Do not be afraid or terrified with fear of them, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts. Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope, but do it with gentleness and reverence, keeping your conscience clear, so that, when you are maligned, those who defame your good conduct in Christ may themselves be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that be the will of God, than for doing evil. 1 Pet. 3:13-17

If they don’t get it, then don’t throw pearls before swine. Let them be and wait for a different opportunity. The Lord warned that his coming would divide families; do not let that make you automatically think you’re doing the wrong thing. Just try to make as sure as you can that only the necessary good divides you from your husband’s family, and not any lack of good you could be doing. After that, try as you can to let it go. Think of them with the hope that God will forgive them for the harm they unknowingly do to you, and on the basis of that have a good hope that you will be forgiven for whatever harm you unknowingly or carelessly do yourselves.

 

[Kelfa28]

Brilliant! No wonder some women keep breastfeeding into the preschool years!

OP, it’s quite sound policy to hand off your in-laws to your husband. It’s much easier to forgive a son than a daughter-in-law.

Words of wisdom:
Why have kids? They are the perfect in-law distracter!

You’ve bought at least 10 years of distraction per kid…depending on how close together you space them.
The further they are spaced apart the less time you have to spend with them!

 

[LongingSoul]

Even DH wants to avoid them to some degree. The trick to deal with them is to swallow every comment, criticism, injustices and nod. They want us to live according to their standards.

I think the trick is not to ‘swallow’ it but to let it be water of a ducks back. You are letting it affect you too much. The way to win them over eventually (coz they’ll be in your life till they die), is to live life your way and live it well. Don’t spend time with your hubby talking about them and the problem. As you say, let him deal with it and keep a healthy distance.

The worst part is that I feel they say and think that way because I was not brought up in a high social class. I could be wrong. But I also feel I gotta please them if I want them to think and talk good of me and of us.

There could possibly be an aspect of that but who cares. Your husband married you because he loves you as you are.

We like to be more conservative and reserved. We live avoiding certain things where the devil can use as a tool to hurt our family, but they just say we dont trust each other.

I’m not sure what that could be referring to but try and stay detached from their opinion. Once you leave their company, don’t dwell on their words too long.

 

[E_7]

Thanks for all the support so far. Its difficult for me to not let it get to me. I can’t think straight and have a headache when it comes to them. They tell us we are poorly Catholics. That my behavior is not that of a Christian person. They slap me in the face with those sugar coated words, but they themselves believe in contraception. They are also strongly opposed to have the baby be baptized in May, because they want to be present but will be going on a vacation for the retired , and wants us to delay it for July. There are trying to find the 5 legs to the cat regarding the godmother we chose (a cousin of mine). Sigh. I feel even scared when DH’s cellphone vibrates-thinking it must be them (like now).

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks for all the support so far. Its difficult for me to not let it get to me. I can’t think straight and have a headache when it comes to them. They tell us we are poorly Catholics. That my behavior is not that of a Christian person.

Try the classic “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and shorten the interaction to the politest minimum.

They slap me in the face with those sugar coated words, but they themselves believe in contraception. They are also strongly opposed to have the baby be baptized in May, because they want to be present but will be going on a vacation for the retired , and wants us to delay it for July. There are trying to find the 5 legs to the cat regarding the godmother we chose (a cousin of mine). Sigh. I feel even scared when DH’s cellphone vibrates-thinking it must be them (like now).

There’s no reason to delay the baptism.

Don’t argue, just say, “I’m sorry you can’t make it” and/or “We feel like we should baptize the baby as soon as possible.”

It sounds like you and the in-laws need to see less of each other.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

The best thing to do when people marry, and I know it’s not always practicable ,
Is to move away, just a couple hundred miles, and become your own happy family,
Grow up together ,build together, dream together , create together ,

 

[thankulord]

Lord, come to E_7’s aid! Help her to not care about the opinions of her in laws that are causing her grief. Send your peace into her soul that she can focus on her little family with love and joy in her heart. Thank you, Lord. Amen

 

[slh3016]

The best thing to do when people marry, and I know it’s not always practicable ,
Is to move away, just a couple hundred miles, and become your own happy family,
Grow up together ,build together, dream together , create together ,

:clapping:

We tried that for a while but had to move back closer for my husband’s work. We decided to move about 25 mins away to NOT be in their radar all the time (IOW, they couldn’t just “drop” by)……fast forward 4 years and they retired and just bought a house 1.5 miles away :banghead:

To the OP, just grin and bear it. I know it’s hard because I’ve been you in your exact position of never feeling good enough for them, trying your hardest to please but to no avail, and after several counseling sessions about 8 years ago, I had to let it go. It was either do that or lose my sanity and I chose to keep my sanity. I realized that my value as a person should not be determined by what some crazy wacko in-laws think of me. :hug3:

 

[Xantippe]

:clapping:

We tried that for a while but had to move back closer for my husband’s work. We decided to move about 25 mins away to NOT be in their radar all the time (IOW, they couldn’t just “drop” by)……fast forward 4 years and they retired and just bought a house 1.5 miles away :banghead:

You poor thing.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

My Ex a Brother in law had his in laws buy a house Diaganily behind him,
How close you really wanna get,lol

 

[Kelfa28]

Hubby’s parents both, at one point, lived within a couple of miles from us.

They are divorced but lived super close to each other.

My MIL has moved around more times then I can count (instability can do that to you) but his dad is still in the same apartment complex just on the other side of town.

He used to drop by, totally unannounced, all the time. It drove me NUTS! I think we went through a period of time over the holidays (can’t remember if it was Christmas or Thanksgiving) where he would drop by our house at least once for over 7 days straight.

Anyway…the best advice I can give you about pushy in-laws or parents is to not give them an inch. They will take that inch and run with it.

Shut it down…quickly. Don’t give in…even if they think it’s “reasonable”.
Be firm and polite at first but sometimes politeness will go out the window.

Because my in-laws lived so close that they made it an awful habit of dropping by my house whenever they wanted without calling.
At first…I was polite but flustered but I didn’t shut it down and that was my mistake.

Then there was the day that my husband’s family took one of his great aunts out to a nearby restaurant for her 90th B-day.
My husband, a bunch of his cousins, great aunts and his mom all went.
I stayed home because I had a sick baby and was in the first trimester of my second pregnancy and wasn’t feeling too hot.

I was told that his mom, him and two of the great aunts were going to come over and have b-day cake.
I should have said no…absolutely not! Not a good day at all.
But I didn’t and mission creep happened without my knowledge or (name removed by moderator)ut.

Imagine my surprise when 6 cars pulled up to my house and about 15 people…at least half of which I had never met…showed up at my doorstep…with a beaming MIL excited to show off her son’s new house, new wife and new baby.

Yeah, politeness left the building that day. I let my husband have it and I really, really laid it in to my MIL.

It should have never reached that point…but I let it.
That stunt hasn’t been pulled again…thank-goodness and both in-laws respect our boundaries a little bit more.

Simple rule…if you think it’s unreasonable…then it is. Shut it down!
It’s not your job to make anyone else happy and/or comfortable except for those who lives within your 4 walls of property.

Taking vows with someone doesn’t include their extended family.

 

[E_7]

Xantippe,

We have tried that, but they are so persistent and ask always " why", why this and that, “what you gotta do is this in that way.” Treating us, especially to DH, like we don’t know how to do things, like we are incompetent. DH is almost 30 this year.

Kelfa,

I would do that if they didn’t helped us financially when we were relocating (although we gotta pay them back some sum). I would sound ungrateful if I shut them down, I think. They are scary to deal with. They are from a culture where they aren’t afraid to fight you with words. If I say something, they interrupt with a loud voice and they shut ME down. It’s scary.

 

[E_7]

:clapping:

We tried that for a while but had to move back closer for my husband’s work. We decided to move about 25 mins away to NOT be in their radar all the time (IOW, they couldn’t just “drop” by)……fast forward 4 years and they retired and just bought a house 1.5 miles away :banghead:

To the OP, just grin and bear it. I know it’s hard because I’ve been you in your exact position of never feeling good enough for them, trying your hardest to please but to no avail, and after several counseling sessions about 8 years ago, I had to let it go. It was either do that or lose my sanity and I chose to keep my sanity. I realized that my value as a person should not be determined by what some crazy wacko in-laws think of me. :hug3:

How did you let it go? What did you do or still do now? Let husband handle it?

 

[E_7]

Lord, come to E_7’s aid! Help her to not care about the opinions of her in laws that are causing her grief. Send your peace into her soul that she can focus on her little family with love and joy in her heart. Thank you, Lord. Amen

Thank you so much!