I want to scream, if not escape!

[Kelfa28]

Kelfa,

I would do that if they didn’t helped us financially when we were relocating (although we gotta pay them back some sum). I would sound ungrateful if I shut them down, I think. They are scary to deal with. They are from a culture where they aren’t afraid to fight you with words. If I say something, they interrupt with a loud voice and they shut ME down. It’s scary.

Just because you owe them money…doesn’t mean that they can walk all over you in every other aspect of your lives.

Get on a reasonable payment plan with them and repay the debt. It will get them off of your backs.

You and your husband need to be on the same page about this.

I really don’t think that you would be ungrateful at all. You are paying them back (I assume) and that is where it ends.

If they interrupt you…say “please don’t interrupt me” and remove yourself from the situation. It speaks louder when you remove yourself from the situation entirely rather then shout back.
Busy yourself with the baby (hence my earlier post…trust me, it works! )

Invite them over less and accept invitations from them less. Pray for them more.

You also need to get on your husband when it comes to them. They are his parents and he is probably the best one to handle the situation.

Helping you out with finances doesn’t give them a free pass to be pushy and rude…believe it or not they are still obligated to be gracious and pleasant if they want to be invited back.

 

[E_7]

The best thing to do when people marry, and I know it’s not always practicable ,
Is to move away, just a couple hundred miles, and become your own happy family,
Grow up together ,build together, dream together , create together ,

We are countries apart, but they have a “vacation house” in Florida, way far from us (Maryland). They reach us via txt, email, and they are too much to handle. That’s why DH doesnt call them . They want to hear from us every day if not every other day!! Insane. If we do not call, they say we don’t care about them and that we are living in a bubble, that we are poorly Christians, blabla sigh. This is so stressing.DH is used to them, but it’s so difficult for me. Some day, I won’t be surprised I’ll end up with depression or self-harm (I’ve been tempted in thoughts to do that) or lose my sanity.

 

[Xantippe]

Xantippe,

We have tried that, but they are so persistent and ask always " why", why this and that, “what you gotta do is this in that way.” Treating us, especially to DH, like we don’t know how to do things, like we are incompetent. DH is almost 30 this year.

**Such good practice for when baby is 3 and always asking “why” all the time.

“Because that’s how we’ve decided to do it” or alternately, “That’s the date we’ve chosen.”

You’re not justifying or arguing, you’re just announcing your joint decision.
**

Kelfa,

I would do that if they didn’t helped us financially when we were relocating (although we gotta pay them back some sum). I would sound ungrateful if I shut them down, I think. They are scary to deal with. They are from a culture where they aren’t afraid to fight you with words. If I say something, they interrupt with a loud voice and they shut ME down. It’s scary.

Are they scary or are you just scared?

It’s possible that they’re just from a much louder culture than you.

Perhaps it’s time for your husband to tell his parents (when you’re not around), “Mom, you’re intimidating E_7. She needs more space than you and dad are giving her.” Or maybe, “In E_7’s culture, people only talk like our family when they are enemies and hate each other. It’s hard for E_7 to feel safe in our family when she’s getting stepped on and interrupted. She needs to be able to finish her sentences.”

I would leave that up to your husband’s judgment. They may be loud and nice or they may be loud and mean–he’ll have some insight into which it is. If they’re loud and mean, talking may not make any difference.

Good luck!

 

[E_7]

Just because you owe them money…doesn’t mean that they can walk all over you in every other aspect of your lives.

Get on a reasonable payment plan with them and repay the debt. It will get them off of your backs.

You and your husband need to be on the same page about this.

I really don’t think that you would be ungrateful at all. You are paying them back (I assume) and that is where it ends.

If they interrupt you…say “please don’t interrupt me” and remove yourself from the situation. It speaks louder when you remove yourself from the situation entirely rather then shout back.
Busy yourself with the baby (hence my earlier post…trust me, it works! )

Invite them over less and accept invitations from them less. Pray for them more.

You also need to get on your husband when it comes to them. They are his parents and he is probably the best one to handle the situation.

Helping you out with finances doesn’t give them a free pass to be pushy and rude…believe it or not they are still obligated to be gracious and pleasant if they want to be invited back.

About the breastfeeding or baby as an excuse to leave, she will enter the bedroom and give me a sermon anyway, she has seen me nurse since the hospital.

 

[Kelfa28]

Let husband handle it?

YES!

He needs to handle this and not you. You can defend yourself when you are around them…but dealing with their rudeness is his job to mitigate and quash.

He should be the one to say “listen, mom/dad, we can’t tolerate your continued rudeness, I’ll pay you back the money we owe you but I can’t allow you to treat my wife and I the way you do. We can’t have you over if you behave that way.”

 

[Kelfa28]

About the breastfeeding or baby as an excuse to leave, she will enter the bedroom and give me a sermon anyway, she has seen me nurse since the hospital.

I’d just tell her to get the insert colorful language here out at that point.

No one comes into our bedroom to do anything…let alone lecture me.

Seeing you nurse since the hospital gives her ZERO right to waltz into your bedroom for any reason at all.
It’s not her house.

That is your space and not hers to invade.

That is totally ridiculous.

They wouldn’t be welcome over my house ever again if they pulled a stunt like that. I really mean that too.

 

[Xantippe]

I’d just tell her to get the insert colorful language here out at that point.

No one comes into our bedroom to do anything…let alone lecture me.

That is your space and not hers to invade.

That is totally ridiculous.

They wouldn’t be welcome over my house ever again if they pulled a stunt like that. I really mean that too.

“I need to relax, MIL, to get the milk flowing.”

And lock that door when they’re over.

How close do you live to the in-laws, and how much money do you owe them? I’d personally do anything moral to pay them.

And never, ever borrow money from them again, unless it’s a question of life and death.

Good luck!

 

[E_7]

YES!

He needs to handle this and not you. You can defend yourself when you are around them…but dealing with their rudeness is his job to mitigate and quash.

He should be the one to say “listen, mom/dad, we can’t tolerate your continued rudeness, I’ll pay you back the money we owe you but I can’t allow you to treat my wife and I the way you do. We can’t have you over if you behave that way.”

But…they will defend themselves. They are blind. They don’t recognize they do wrong, it is always us. They sugar coat everything (meaning they include the Lord in it , slapping us with some bible verses, telling us that the Lord is understanding, that one must have love, that God is merciful and doesn’t punish, among other things. Implying that they are in the Lord, and not us).

 

[E_7]

Ok, so reviewing : Whenever they call, let DH answer. I shall not answer their call unless they call me personally to my cellphone. If so, I will keep it short, nice without details. And if they come to visit, I …still need to think about that.

 

[Xantippe]

But…they will defend themselves. They are blind. They don’t recognize they do wrong, it is always us. They sugar coat everything (meaning they include the Lord in it , slapping us with some bible verses, telling us that the Lord is understanding, that one must have love, that God is merciful and doesn’t punish, among other things. Implying that they are in the Lord, and not us).

How incredibly annoying.

Don’t argue, just inform them and move on.

Also, try to be strategic about how often you have them at your place. If you’re at their house or some other place, you can always leave with minimal social fuss, but if you’re home, it’s much harder. I realize that it’s harder with a baby, but you should be able to be out and about with baby more and more as time goes on.

Good luck! Keep calm and carry on! (That’s a bit of a cliche these days, but it fits!)

Work

 

[Kelfa28]

“I need to relax, MIL, to get the milk flowing.”

My goodness you’re nice!

Sorry, I have my limits…stepping into my personal space while I engage in a very personal act (of which I include nursing a baby) isn’t just crossing the line but getting a running start and long jumping over it.

How about…“DS needs me to be relaxed in order to nurse and you’re stressing me out?”



E-7…invest in locks if you don’t already have them.

 

[E_7]

Xantippe and Kelfa,

You two made me laugh, thanks!

I’ve received great support from all the posters in my thread. I really appreciate it.

By the way, do you think that age matters and that’s why they look down upon me? I’m 6 years younger than DH.

 

[EasterJoy]

But…they will defend themselves. They are blind. They don’t recognize they do wrong, it is always us. They sugar coat everything (meaning they include the Lord in it , slapping us with some bible verses, telling us that the Lord is understanding, that one must have love, that God is merciful and doesn’t punish, among other things. Implying that they are in the Lord, and not us).

I remember the day when my brother told me I was stupid, as he had for essentially my entire 12 years or so of life, and I replied with this:
You know, you’re right. I’m so stupid, I don’t know how you can stand to be around me. If must be very hard for you. Of course, my tone of voice was not exactly what I’d call grovelling.

It is funny, but for some reason he dropped that tactic after that. Sometimes, agreeing with their premise and yet still being as unblinking, unmoving and unruffled as a farm animal will frustrate people trying to manipulate you so much that they will give it up!

The other thing that works is to be brightly cheerful as you put your foot down. For instance, I was once substitute teaching and a student complained that their regular teacher allowed such-and-so. My cheery reply was this: Oh. Well. I guess you should pray for her quick recovery, then, because I don’t do that.

In the end, though, you are going to wind up rolling your eyes. You will have to scoop your jaw off the floor in order to herd them back into the Land of Polite Behavior. You will, I guarantee it, collect Stories To Tell. Write them down, if you like, but do not hope that you will be the first daughter-in-law in recorded history to retrain her in-laws! It will all be hysterical to your grandchildren. Someone may as well get a laugh out of it, after all the work you did to keep from a “response” that will land you in prison in spite of all the sympathy the jury will have for you.

Hang in there. You can do this. It may seem like Hell now, but if you do your best it will be less Purgatory, look at it that way.

Oh, and look up a web site by googling “in-law jokes.” That will help you blow off steam.

 

[EasterJoy]

Q: What is the difference between a mother-in-law and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist."

Q: Have you talked to the hero who has saved you mother-in-law from drowning in the river?
A: Yes I did. He had never met her before he saved her. He apologized to me all over the place.

Korean Proverb: Toilets are like mothers-in-law: the farther away the better.

I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for two years. We haven’t quarreled. I just don’t like to interrupt her.–Les Dawson

Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, “My MIL is an angel.” His friend replies, “You’re lucky. Mine is still alive.”

My FIL was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to my FIL’s car, the policeman said, “Your wife fell out of the car five miles back.” My FIL replied, “Thank God for that, I thought I’d gone deaf!”

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, “Could you please cut my dog’s tail off?” The vet examines the tail and says, “There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?” The man replies, “My MIL is coming to visit, and I don’t want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!”

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my MIL, and I wanted to say, “Could you please pass the butter?” "But instead I said, “You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.”

Q: Why do we bury my in-laws 18 feet down, when everyone else is buried 6 feet down?
A: Because, deep down, my in-laws really are very nice people.

Q: Why would you rather deal with a biting pit bull than my mother-in-law?
A: The pit bull will eventually let go!

My MIL asked my son, “If your mother hates me so much, why is my photo on the mantle?”
“She says it keeps baby sister away from the fire.”

Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your MIL?
A: Washington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth, your MIL doesn’t know the difference.

Q: The difference between outlaws and in-laws?
A: Outlaws are Wanted!!

So you see? You’re not alone!!

 

[agnes_therese]

It sounds like you and the in-laws need to see less of each other.

 

[agnes_therese]

By the way, do you think that age matters and that’s why they look down upon me? I’m 6 years younger than DH.

Some people don’t need a reason. Sounds like your in-laws might be among them.

 

[Lorelei12]

I think a lot of us could probably write a book about in-laws. You are not alone!!!

I would work very hard at paying them back every penny they gave you, so that they cannot hold that over your heads, but it still isn’t license for them to be rude and intrusive. And I would never borrow money from them ever again.

Definitely get some door locks. There is no excuse for barging into someone else’s private bedroom.

You are at an advantage because they live so far away- you can choose not to pick up the phone, and not to respond to text or emails right away, or at all. You can choose not to invite them to stay with you, if they are in the area. You’re a married couple with a baby- you and your husband get to decide how much contact to have with them, and how much contact you want your baby to have with them. If they call and leave a message, you get to decide if and when you respond. You don’t need to answer their questions about “why” anything. “Because that is what we are doing” is all they need to know about anything. The more information or excuses you give them, the more they will have to say about it. Let your husband talk to them from now on, if they cannot be polite to you. Try not to care so much about what they think. You’re not doing anything wrong by setting boundaries in order to protect your family.

 

[Xantippe]

By the way, do you think that age matters and that’s why they look down upon me? I’m 6 years younger than DH.

I think that your lack of confidence probably makes you vulnerable to the bulldozer treatment.

You’d probably have similar issues with them no matter what, but as you get older, you will have more and more confidence and experience with dealing with them. I don’t think being young is the core of your problem, but I think that getting older will help.

I was also a young bride and I used to take remarks from my in-laws VERY personally. Stuff like “Son, you look so thin!” or “Son, you need to get more exercise!” I would take as a judgment on my wifing abilities. Nowadays, I am not nearly as sensitive to that kind of remark. Husband is 40-something, and he is in charge of him.

 

[slh3016]

How did you let it go? What did you do or still do now? Let husband handle it?

Yes, in some ways, DH handles it better than he used to. He definitely has put his mom in her place several times in recent years and most recently, about our journey toward Catholicism.

Honestly, once I let my self-worth stop being dictated by my MIL and her opinion of me which could sway on any given day, that was HUGE and my self-confidence increased tremendously. Like your in-laws, mine kept treating us like children and often still do, but I just smile and go about my own business. I don’t argue but I stand my ground. I also learned that my gut reaction was to rebel against ANYTHING they ever suggested, when sometimes maybe they (she) did have a good idea. So, I learned to say, “Okay, I’ll think about that.” If I know for sure that I disagree, I’ll still say, “I’ll take that into consideration.” All is said politely.

Like you, we were in a position to where we felt “indebted” to them, in many ways, one of which was financially. At that breaking point, DH realized he needed to “man up” and eliminate that indebtedness and we did. It actually was the precipice of our move. After several weeks of non-communication following the blow-up, my in-laws realized they had overreacted and bent over backwards to try to restore the relationship. It was hard and required me to have a LOT of forgiveness, but I realized that my children benefitted from having a relationship with their grandparents and I didn’t want to get in the way of that because they are VERY loving and involved (albeit, sometimes TOO involved….lol). But, my parents pretty much have a non-existent relationship with my kids.

As for mine moving closer, I cringe every time they pull into our driveway unannounced, but I’m trying to look for the positive, such as them offering to take all three of my kiddos for the night and next days so I could have a break……….that was a HUGE blessing!

 

[slh3016]

I think that your lack of confidence probably makes you vulnerable to the bulldozer treatment.

You’d probably have similar issues with them no matter what, but as you get older, you will have more and more confidence and experience with dealing with them. I don’t think being young is the core of your problem, but I think that getting older will help.

I was also a young bride and I used to take remarks from my in-laws VERY personally. Stuff like “Son, you look so thin!” or “Son, you need to get more exercise!” I would take as a judgment on my wifing abilities. Nowadays, I am not nearly as sensitive to that kind of remark. Husband is 40-something, and he is in charge of him.

^^^^This is an awesome reply and so very, very true! Learning to not take things so personally (which is VERY hard) is absolutely key to keeping your sanity!