I want to scream, if not escape!

[Xantippe]

You are at an advantage because they live so far away- you can choose not to pick up the phone, and not to respond to text or emails right away, or at all. You can choose not to invite them to stay with you, if they are in the area. You’re a married couple with a baby- you and your husband get to decide how much contact to have with them, and how much contact you want your baby to have with them. If they call and leave a message, you get to decide if and when you respond. You don’t need to answer their questions about “why” anything. “Because that is what we are doing” is all they need to know about anything. The more information or excuses you give them, the more they will have to say about it. Let your husband talk to them from now on, if they cannot be polite to you. Try not to care so much about what they think. You’re not doing anything wrong by setting boundaries in order to protect your family.

Yes.

And, as a matter of fact, as long as you have your husband’s cooperation, you will be just fine.

It’s families where the husband or wife allows intrusions and over-stepping by their parents where in-laws are an insoluble problem.

Vampires have to be invited in, you know.

 

[slh3016]

Ok, so reviewing : Whenever they call, let DH answer. I shall not answer their call unless they call me personally to my cellphone. If so, I will keep it short, nice without details. And if they come to visit, I …still need to think about that.

Honestly, you do not have to even answer their calls and I wouldn’t if I were you. Let them leave a message. Do they text? If so, just simply text them and only reply to their calls by text. That keeps the rudeness out. They’ll catch on eventually.

 

[Xantippe]

Honestly, once I let my self-worth stop being dictated by my MIL and her opinion of me which could sway on any given day, that was HUGE and my self-confidence increased tremendously. Like your in-laws, mine kept treating us like children and often still do, but I just smile and go about my own business. I don’t argue but I stand my ground. I also learned that my gut reaction was to rebel against ANYTHING they ever suggested, when sometimes maybe they (she) did have a good idea. So, I learned to say, “Okay, I’ll think about that.” If I know for sure that I disagree, I’ll still say, “I’ll take that into consideration.” All is said politely.

**Very good!

Unless something it’s a genuine emergency (which is rare when socializing with in-laws), you don’t need to make a decision now.**

 

[UbiCaritas]

Ok, so reviewing : Whenever they call, let DH answer. I shall not answer their call unless they call me personally to my cellphone. If so, I will keep it short, nice without details. And if they come to visit, I …still need to think about that.

If they come to visit without letting you know first, then it is entirely appropriate and polite to open the door, look charmingly flustered, and say, “Oh, dear, I didn’t know you were coming. I’m afraid that (Baby’s Name) and I were just heading out.”

“Just heading out,” incidentally, can mean “I saw your car pulling into your driveway, said several bad words that I hope (Baby’s Name) will not remember when he’s old enough to talk, and decided this would be an excellent time to go sock shopping.” It’s entirely truthful yet unspecific.

Also, you don’t have to answer your phone every time. This is best done gradually. They call, you let it go to voicemail, wait several hours (provided it’s not an actual emergency) and then call back. You might answer the phone the next time. The time after that, give it about 8 hours before calling back. Gradually stretch that out–again, actual emergencies excepted. They’re getting a rise out of you by doing this. Don’t let them. You are not their personal assistant and you do not owe them being available by phone whenever they want to rattle your cage.

 

[slh3016]

Also, you don’t have to answer your phone every time. This is best done gradually. They call, you let it go to voicemail, wait several hours (provided it’s not an actual emergency) and then call back. You might answer the phone the next time. The time after that, give it about 8 hours before calling back. Gradually stretch that out–again, actual emergencies excepted. They’re getting a rise out of you by doing this. Don’t let them. You are not their personal assistant and you do not owe them being available by phone whenever they want to rattle your cage.

Excellent advice! I, by default, NEVER answer my MIL’s calls when she rings. I let it go to voicemail, listen to the message, and then, answer her back by text unless it warrants an actual call.

My SIL also had to “retrain” my in-laws (they lived just down the street) several years ago. They weren’t allowed to drop by spur of the moment without a phone call first. She never answered their calls immediately, my in-laws had to make “reservations” to visit the grandkids, etc. It was hard and awkward for the entire family for a year or so, but now about 5 years later, my in-laws definitely have much more respect for their oldest son’s “family”. I’m not saying my SIL was “right” in every aspect of the situation but her life is a whole lot easier now with the in-laws after doing this

My other SIL (married to the youngest brother) has a GREAT relationship with HER family and has just never given a flying flip what my MIL thought….lol….she has lived her own life, made her own rules, and to hell with the consequences, which strangely enough, haven’t been very much because she was that way from day one of their marriage.

Be firm. Be polite. Be gracious even when they aren’t but still be firm. Don’t “react” every time they push your buttons. Make allowances when warranted. Create boundaries (and give your in-laws a copy of the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend so they’ll take the hint….we did this ) and learn to let it roll off your back……and by all means, install locks on the bedroom door!

 

[Xantippe]

If they come to visit without letting you know first, then it is entirely appropriate and polite to open the door, look charmingly flustered, and say, “Oh, dear, I didn’t know you were coming. I’m afraid that (Baby’s Name) and I were just heading out.”

“Just heading out,” incidentally, can mean “I saw your car pulling into your driveway, said several bad words that I hope (Baby’s Name) will not remember when he’s old enough to talk, and decided this would be an excellent time to go sock shopping.” It’s entirely truthful yet unspecific.

Also, you don’t have to answer your phone every time. This is best done gradually. They call, you let it go to voicemail, wait several hours (provided it’s not an actual emergency) and then call back. You might answer the phone the next time. The time after that, give it about 8 hours before calling back. Gradually stretch that out–again, actual emergencies excepted. They’re getting a rise out of you by doing this. Don’t let them. You are not their personal assistant and you do not owe them being available by phone whenever they want to rattle your cage.

Very good!

I especially like the “just heading out” advice.

 

[slh3016]

Very good!

I especially like the “just heading out” advice.

Or even better, exclaim “Oh I’m so happy to see you! Baby and I were just headed out on an errand but I KNOW you’d love to spend time with him/her. Would you mind watching him/her while I run out for a bit? Oh thank you, you’re such a dear! The breast milk is in the fridge……I’ll only be gone a few hours. Have fun! Bye!”

She’ll probably be so shocked that she’ll be speechless and that’s your time to RUN!

Then head out and treat yourself to a mani/pedi and a latte

 

[agnes_therese]

They want to hear from us every day if not every other day!! Insane. If we do not call, they say we don’t care about them and that we are living in a bubble, that we are poorly Christians, blabla sigh.

The appropriate response to this is “That’s not true at all, sorry you feel that way.” Repeat as necessary. If they don’t get a rise out of you, it will eventually stop.

It’s the “eventually” part that’s hard.

P.S. Has anyone suggested the book “Boundaries?” Excellent help in setting and maintaining them.

 

[Kelfa28]

We are countries apart, but they have a “vacation house” in Florida, way far from us (Maryland). They reach us via txt, email, and they are too much to handle. That’s why DH doesnt call them . They want to hear from us every day if not every other day!! Insane. If we do not call, they say we don’t care about them and that we are living in a bubble, that we are poorly Christians, blabla sigh. This is so stressing.DH is used to them, but it’s so difficult for me. Some day, I won’t be surprised I’ll end up with depression or self-harm (I’ve been tempted in thoughts to do that) or lose my sanity.

Keep your sanity and go crickets on them.

There is nothing wrong with this. Don’t answer phone calls. Don’t respond to emails or texts. Check yourself out in that regard.
You’ll be letting your husband handle it all but he said he is used to it anyway. You’re too busy…your hands are full…the baby is enough for you to handle right now…end of story.

Also, keep any justifications or excuses to yourself…don’t voice them to the in-laws.

This should be his domain anyway.

In all seriousness he should be saying “Guys, you are way too much to handle. We need a break from you both. You’re stressing both my wife and I out too much.”

 

[Casilda]

Or even better, exclaim “Oh I’m so happy to see you! Baby and I were just headed out on an errand but I KNOW you’d love to spend time with him/her. Would you mind watching him/her while I run out for a bit? Oh thank you, you’re such a dear! The breast milk is in the fridge……I’ll only be gone a few hours. Have fun! Bye!”

She’ll probably be so shocked that she’ll be speechless and that’s your time to RUN!

Then head out and treat yourself to a mani/pedi and a latte

This was not possible in my case, in-laws were not allowed to be alone with my children because of abuse I witnessed against their other grandchildren. It was subtle but psychologically and emotionally damaging.

Be firm. Be polite. Be gracious even when they aren’t but still be firm. Don’t “react” every time they push your buttons. Make allowances when warranted. Create boundaries (and give your in-laws a copy of the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend so they’ll take the hint….we did this ) and learn to let it roll off your back……and by all means, install locks on the bedroom door!

Excellent advice, mil’s abuse started before we were married, my mother defended me. After we were married my husband went along with his parents. I was polite and gracious for 6 years, yes I remember the exact day I told my husband I would no longer take the abuse. His parents have not been allowed in my home for 27 years. In order to visit them, my husband could not leave me alone with his mother under the threat that if she was rude or insulting I would knock her out. My sil who was married to my husband’s youngest brother did! I knew this was my cross to bear, I knew my mil would live a long time, she is 86. A son who never married takes care of her. It is very hard to feel symphatic to a person I believed is possessed with an evil spirit. If you knew of the destruction this person has had on her family, I could write a bestselling soap opera.

 

[slh3016]

This was not possible in my case, in-laws were not allowed to be alone with my children because of abuse I witnessed against their other grandchildren. It was subtle but psychologically and emotionally damaging.

Oh goodness, how terrible! Yes, you have to protect your kids at all costs from abuse. Thankfully, mine just annoy.

Excellent advice, mil’s abuse started before we were married, my mother defended me. After we were married my husband went along with his parents. I was polite and gracious for 6 years, yes I remember the exact day I told my husband I would no longer take the abuse. His parents have not been allowed in my home for 27 years. In order to visit them, my husband could not leave me alone with his mother under the threat that if she was rude or insulting I would knock her out. My sil who was married to my husband’s youngest brother did! I knew this was my cross to bear, I knew my mil would live a long time, she is 86. A son who never married takes care of her. It is very hard to feel symphatic to a person I believed is possessed with an evil spirit. If you knew of the destruction this person has had on her family, I could write a bestselling soap opera.

Wow, the fact that you still married your husband is incredible! I have a question…was your MIL a mom to all boys? Mine is and those tend to be the worst from what I have observed in mine and all my friends in the same boat with all-boy MIL’s One friend bluntly informed her MIL that was being bratty that she needed to remember that it was usually the daughter(s)-in-law (of all boy moms) that choose the nursing home they’d live out their days in so she’d better straighten up and play nice

I am so sorry you have had to live with this :grouphug:

 

[E_7]

Hi all,

Great ideas so far! I’m feeling like I’m on an all girls night out , being all supportive.

I want to add: This is our first "apartment/ home " , our first place after we got married. We were in Asia at first and it was super duper great .After that, we lived at their place for 6 months, and now we’re finally settled. They are the kind if people that they plan by themselves when they will travel to visit us , they buy the tickets and THEN let us know they are coming. (So yeah, they come uninvited , but they let us know in advance) .

Another thing, is that they don’t want to be calling us. They want US to call THEM. If not, they will feel and say we don’t care about them. We can’t make international calls, and They are obligating us to download an app that uses wi fi and you can call free from phone to phone. We don’t want to because, anyone can find you and add you (especially people we had a bad past with), and it has public chat. We just don’t want it, so I suggested another app that occupies less space and is more reserved. But they don’t want to. They are obligating us to do what they want and then comes SIL and says we are dividing the family, and that we have trust issues in our marriage (not true) and that we are going to hurt the baby because of it…blablabla

For those who suggest not answer their call if they call me personally, I think I’m afraid to do that because they will yell and fight back and call me things and make of me a bad person.

Xantippe, I think you’re right. I lack self confidence.

 

[Lorelei12]

Hi all,

Great ideas so far! I’m feeling like I’m on an all girls night out , being all supportive.

I want to add: This is our first "apartment/ home " , our first place after we got married. We were in Asia at first and it was super duper great .After that, we lived at their place for 6 months, and now we’re finally settled. They are the kind if people that they plan by themselves when they will travel to visit us , they buy the tickets and THEN let us know they are coming. (So yeah, they come uninvited , but they let us know in advance) .

Another thing, is that they don’t want to be calling us. They want US to call THEM. If not, they will feel and say we don’t care about them. We can’t make international calls, and They are obligating us to download an app that uses wi fi and you can call free from phone to phone. We don’t want to because, anyone can find you and add you (especially people we had a bad past with), and it has public chat. We just don’t want it, so I suggested another app that occupies less space and is more reserved. But they don’t want to. They are obligating us to do what they want and then comes SIL and says we are dividing the family, and that we have trust issues in our marriage (not true) and that we are going to hurt the baby because of it…blablabla

For those who suggest not answer their call if they call me personally, I think I’m afraid to do that because they will yell and fight back and call me things and make of me a bad person.

Xantippe, I think you’re right. I lack self confidence.

These people can only get away with whatever you and your husband let them get away with. He needs to ask them not to buy tickets until they have confirmed that it would be a good time to visit.

As for the phone calls, you can download the app that you want, and say “If you’d like us to contact you, this is how we are going to do it. Otherwise, you may call us.” If they think you don’t care about them because you won’t use an app they want, they have serious problems. Let them stew over it if they want.

If you don’t answer the phone, you can’t hear anyone yell at you or call you anything. If your husband’s parents say anything to him about you, the appropriate response is to defend you and then hang up. He should really be taking the lead on all of this- it’s his family, and he is the one who needs to set boundaries with them and follow through on it. Otherwise, it’s only going to get worse. If anything, know that you are in good company, as shown by this thread!

It’s hard to start setting boundaries with people who have previously walked all over you. It’s even harder when your spouse won’t deal with his own family who is causing you anguish. You have enough to deal with, being the mom of a newborn. I hope the two of you can figure out a way to politely but firmly stand your ground.

 

[pensmama87]

Hi all,

Great ideas so far! I’m feeling like I’m on an all girls night out , being all supportive.

I want to add: This is our first "apartment/ home " , our first place after we got married. We were in Asia at first and it was super duper great .After that, we lived at their place for 6 months, and now we’re finally settled. They are the kind if people that they plan by themselves when they will travel to visit us , they buy the tickets and THEN let us know they are coming. (So yeah, they come uninvited , but they let us know in advance) .

Another thing, is that they don’t want to be calling us. They want US to call THEM. If not, they will feel and say we don’t care about them. We can’t make international calls, and They are obligating us to download an app that uses wi fi and you can call free from phone to phone. We don’t want to because, anyone can find you and add you (especially people we had a bad past with), and it has public chat. We just don’t want it, so I suggested another app that occupies less space and is more reserved. But they don’t want to. They are obligating us to do what they want and then comes SIL and says we are dividing the family, and that we have trust issues in our marriage (not true) and that we are going to hurt the baby because of it…blablabla

For those who suggest not answer their call if they call me personally, I think I’m afraid to do that because they will yell and fight back and call me things and make of me a bad person.

Xantippe, I think you’re right. I lack self confidence.

Ugh.

It is really hard to do this, but I think what you need to learn to do is realize that they can think and say whatever they want about you, but that doesn’t make it true. You only feel “obligated” because you want them to think well of you.

From what you describe, I’d be happy to have them think I was the worst daughter-in-law in the world if they would just leave me alone already.

I think your husband needs to say, “Sorry, you need to tell us before you buy tickets, and we need to be able to say that’s a bad time, or you may come and we won’t be ready for you.” If they don’t want to do that, then he needs to say, “I’m sorry, then you can’t visit.” Or if the tickets are already bought, he can say, “I’m so sorry, but you’ll have to pursue a refund.” And be firm and stick to it.

It is not reasonable or normal for them to want to get to have all the say about how you communicate, visit, whatever. It’s crazy town. If they’ve never had any restrictions before, you can try (and your husband needs to do this because it’s his parents) setting one or two boundaries. If they cross it, then you need to go no contact, and you can decide how long that is before they can try again.

You don’t owe them reasons or explanations. If they were reasonable people you might offer them one out of courtesy, but since they’re not, then don’t offer them.

 

[Xantippe]

Hi all,

Great ideas so far! I’m feeling like I’m on an all girls night out , being all supportive.

I want to add: This is our first "apartment/ home " , our first place after we got married. We were in Asia at first and it was super duper great .After that, we lived at their place for 6 months, and now we’re finally settled. They are the kind if people that they plan by themselves when they will travel to visit us , they buy the tickets and THEN let us know they are coming. (So yeah, they come uninvited , but they let us know in advance) .

**I think they need to be told (by your husband) that that’s a weird way to arrange travel. They can’t count on you being home and available all the time. As your family grows and acquires a more complicated schedule, it will be more and more important to check in in advance. What if they did this in future, only to find out that you were going to be out of town?

(My parents did the exact same thing the last time they visited (tickets, then tell us), but they visit so rarely that it’s not a big deal.)**

Another thing, is that they don’t want to be calling us. They want US to call THEM. If not, they will feel and say we don’t care about them. We can’t make international calls, and They are obligating us to download an app that uses wi fi and you can call free from phone to phone. We don’t want to because, anyone can find you and add you (especially people we had a bad past with), and it has public chat. We just don’t want it, so I suggested another app that occupies less space and is more reserved. But they don’t want to. They are obligating us to do what they want and then comes SIL and says we are dividing the family, and that we have trust issues in our marriage (not true) and that we are going to hurt the baby because of it…blablabla

**Wow, why wouldn’t you want to spend more time communicating with these people?

Establish a custom of a weekly call and special occasion call (birthdays and major holidays, etc.) and your husband can communicate by email or text or whatever at other times as he sees fit. “We’ll talk Sunday, mom!” (This is more or less what my husband does with his family–a Sunday night call, calls on special occasions, and then emails during the week with special news.) You might (MIGHT) want to use social media (Facebook or a blog or something) to keep your in-laws up to date with baby news from you. I do something like that and it keeps my in-laws feeling they know what’s going on. Also, as an interesting side effect, I think my internet presence has led my in-laws to have more respect for my competence as a parent, or at least to have more of a sense of my thought process.

You need to establish large in-law free areas in your life.

You are the mom and you are the wife.
**

For those who suggest not answer their call if they call me personally, I think I’m afraid to do that because they will yell and fight back and call me things and make of me a bad person.

**That’ll be too bad for them, won’t it?

If there’s bad behavior like that, say something like, “I can’t talk to you right now. We’ll talk later!” and don’t talk to them for a while. The next time you talk, repeat if necessary. Keep going until they figure out that you’re not going to listen to big lectures about what a bad daughter-in-law or Christian you are. You (especially you) do not need that stuff. **

Xantippe, I think you’re right. I lack self confidence.

Yep.

You’ll get it eventually.

 

[Xantippe]

E_7,

There’s a secular advice blog that I think you might get a lot out of:

captainawkward.com/

Enjoy!

 

[Xantippe]

I forgot to mention, but it’s really, really weird of them to treat a new mother like this.

Normally people try to be really sweet and gentle and protective with new mothers. Your mother-in-law is being really weird to be so demanding, given that you have a new baby and are trying to settle into a new area.

Good luck!

 

[slh3016]

Hi all,

Great ideas so far! I’m feeling like I’m on an all girls night out , being all supportive.

I want to add: This is our first "apartment/ home " , our first place after we got married. We were in Asia at first and it was super duper great .After that, we lived at their place for 6 months, and now we’re finally settled. They are the kind if people that they plan by themselves when they will travel to visit us , they buy the tickets and THEN let us know they are coming. (So yeah, they come uninvited , but they let us know in advance) .

As for booking their trip and THEN telling you about it, you have some options:

a) Suck it up and welcome them, being on YOUR best behavior. Be kind. Be gracious. Be firm. Install locks.

b) Tell them, “I know the name of a great hotel not too far from here. Here are days and times we are available and would LOVE to see you both.” They’ll take the hint. If they don’t, maybe they’ll get angry enough to just not come

Another thing, is that they don’t want to be calling us. They want US to call THEM. If not, they will feel and say we don’t care about them.

Your husband needs to tell them that he will call them ONE time a week. Make it a certain day and time. He will only call them if they are kind and respectful when talking to him. Otherwise, he won’t call.

They are obliging us to do what they want and then comes SIL and says we are dividing the family, and that we have trust issues in our marriage (not true) and that we are going to hurt the baby because of it…blablabla

For those who suggest not answer their call if they call me personally, I think I’m afraid to do that because** they will yell and fight back** and call me things and make of me a bad person.

Ok, here’s the deal. You’ve got to stop this right now. You are an adult so act like one. They cannot MAKE or force you to do anything. You can allow them to manipulate you but that’s on you, not them.

As for calling you names, etc. if you don’t answer, well, how can they call you names if you don’t answer the phone?!?! Your husband should definitely never allow them to speak disrespectfully of you in his presence. He needs to make that stop N.O.W.

As for the SIL, tell her to mind her own business. Sounds like she is an instigator in all this. Is she their daughter or married to a brother?

 

[E_7]

As for the SIL, tell her to mind her own business. Sounds like she is an instigator in all this. Is she their daughter or married to a brother?

She is DH’s one and only sister (2 years older).

I told DH about these great recommendations I’m getting from all of you in case he doesn’t read them, but he tells me that he will just ignore the parents. But I insisted that if he ignores them too, it will add me more stress and worry, you know.

 

[DarkLight]

The key phrase here:

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

You don’t even always have to say it. Just thinking it helps - it’s a good reminder that the problem isn’t you.