I was a fool to believe..what would you do

[CarrieH]

Cost of living is really high presently. If my adult son had a financial emergency I would give him some money in a NEW YORK MINUTE. I don’t want to see my son suffer.

Indeed, but there is a world of difference between helping someone in a true financial emergency and enabling chronic irresponsibility.

 

[LaLucia]

Hi Carrie, I don’t help chronic irresponsible people at all. I also don’t help gamblers, losers, lazy people who don’t want to work,
I don’t lend money, I stay away from con artists, and anybody who lies about,"Wo…is…me…poor me… persons.

God has given us the opportunity to work and I always see jobs every where. If my adult son was to lose his job he would go work at a TAKE-OUT place just to support his family. He would not depend on me.

I do have one other grand-daughter who is always telling me how she needs money for something. I never ever give her money for what she says she needs. I only give her money for her birthday and Christmas. She lies a lot about needing money. I can tell she when she lies. Financially supporting her bad habits is not my responsibility.
I do give money to Charities and to people in true need.

 

[CarrieH]

That wasn’t intended as a personal comment about you. I’m glad you set appropriate boundaries – and I wish more parents would do the same!

 

[RWMorris]

I am not telling you what to do, I am telling you what I would do, and have done. I would go down to the county, transfer the title to her name, inform the company that holds the note on the car, and the insurance company of the new owner, send her the paperwork by certified mail, so she knows when the next payment on the car and insurance are due, and let her learn responsibility by experience–something I should have done years ago.

Totally agree with this post…

 

[CarrieH]

I…let her learn responsibility by experience–something I should have done years ago.

My parents did a similar act of “tough love” on me when I was young and got myself into some credit card debt. It stunk at the time not having any more new clothes for awhile, having to walk places or take the bus, etc., poor me, boo-hoo , but I give them credit for teaching me that my actions have consequences and that part of being an adult is taking responsibility for one’s debts. And I’m glad I learned this lesson when the debt was only in the hundreds of dollars, not thousands. I’ve been thrifty ever since! http://bestsmileys.com/money/1.gif

 

[Nanny_PK]

I would tell her that you will no longer bail her out. I would offer to pay for her to take Financial Peace University if it’s offered in her area – go to www.daveramsey.com It’s also offered online I believe. This is a wonderful program taught by a man who went through some devastating financial times of his own making and his fight to get out of that debt based on Christian principles. If she refuses that offer, then she’s on her own. You can give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach them to fish and they eat forever…

I used to think my parents were unfair that I basically had to work my way through college. They helped, but I was expected to pull my own weight. As a fully-functioniong adult I now appeciate those lessons.

 

[AHapka]

You can give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach them to fish and they eat forever…

In my family, the wives quickly learned that when the men learned how to fish, they took a six pack of beer and spent forever on the lake

In all seriousness, I would say that the first time is a learning experience. Not much you can do about this time, but there is something you an do about next time.

I’m surprised so many people here have had problems, I had my parents co-sign my first car loan and paid it with no problems:shrug: But I spose it depends on the kid, and only you know your kids the best.

In Wisconsin (as I’m sure it is in many states) you cannot transfer title without the transferee signing off on it. Otherwise, I could buy anyone a car that I wanted to and they could do nothing about it. You also would need the lienholders permission to do so.

You also would need to cancel your own insurance, and she would need to get her own (at least if it’s required by law in your state- it’s not in Wisconsin and South Dakota).

I do like the taking it off of her inheritance, now that is a good idea

 

[rick43235]

You also would need to cancel your own insurance, and she would need to get her own.

But don’t do this until you’re certain the title has been transfered. If she runs a school bus off the road with a car that’s still in your name, you’re going to have a bit of a problem.

 

[Katie1723]

I know from experience if you co sign on a car loan and the other party defaults (as my son did) you are responsible for the entire payment…not part. I got burned in this way" Oh mom, I would NEVER do that to you"…Few years later my daughter asked me to cosign. I laughed and told her to go ask her father.
Kathy

 

[LaLucia]

I think to get started in taking financial responsibilities a parent needs to be there for their growing young adults. I was lucky that my son was a very responsible young man and never tried to take advantage of me financially.
When he was a teenager I gave him a credit card so he could use it for emergencies like for gas for his car.
I also gave him a J.C. Penny credit card so he could go shopping for his school clothes and winter jackets.
My adult son is now self sufficent and has never asked me for anything except in 2003, he asked if he could have my car for his teen daughter and I said yes because he would never accept any money for him to go on a vacation.
We went shopping for a new car. I have decided to give my car to
my other grand-daughter when I get ready to buy me another new car. I always give my cars to my family members because I paid a lot of money for them and I want my family members to get the benefit of having a nice car.
I am leaving tomorrow for a really nice vacation using my adult son’s inheritance money.lol.

I wish the original poster would give us more information on the problem. I still think the car is already paid for and belongs to the parents.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I would tell her that you will no longer bail her out. I would offer to pay for her to take Financial Peace University if it’s offered in her area – go to www.daveramsey.com It’s also offered online I believe. This is a wonderful program taught by a man who went through some devastating financial times of his own making and his fight to get out of that debt based on Christian principles. If she refuses that offer, then she’s on her own. You can give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach them to fish and they eat forever…

I used to think my parents were unfair that I basically had to work my way through college. They helped, but I was expected to pull my own weight. As a fully-functioniong adult I now appeciate those lessons.

I am a convert to Dave Ramsey, so I would agree with this. If one prefers straight Catholic materials, Veritas.com has almost the same plan. But I love Dave, and it took me some time to investigate him before I did.

 

[JimG]

I know from experience if you co sign on a car loan and the other party defaults (as my son did) you are responsible for the entire payment…not part.

Yes, this is exactly what co-signing is: The cosigner becomes responsible for the entire debt. The creditor is entitled to collect from either party.

Theresa Bloomingdale once wrote that parents should never deprive their children of their poverty, even if they can afford to do so.

 

[sallybranwyn]

I’m curious about the age of the daughter. Unless I missed something, this wasn’t mentioned. If she’s close to getting her Associate’s (and I’m assuming that she went to college straight out of graduating HS, which could easily be a misconception), then she may only be 19 or 20.

I’m 23 and there’s no way I could afford car insurance, at least not with the rent as high as it is where I live. My car (from Grandpa after he passed away) is parked at my parents’ house with no insurance or plates. The difference is that I can use the subway and buses, which I’m guessing is not an option where you are. It’s not fun, but it does make you get exercise because you generally walk for a couple miles without it seeming like “exercise” and there are some good public transportation stories to tell people.

My point is that she’s still young and finances are really rough for people who are just graduating. If she really is just being irresponsible and she’s out spending her wages on shoes or movies, then fine, cut out your payments and do what others have been suggesting. But if she really just can’t afford it and you can help her out, remember, you’ll be needing her when you’re old and needing the care you’re giving her now.

 

[embertx3]

Hello everyone I am also embertx2 but forgot the password to log in and had to re- register. Thank you everyone for all the response. My daughter is 23yr old and with all the “promises” that she has made she still has the car and I have the note and insurance bill. Thank you for the suggestion about a contract and using the inheritance. I allowed her to leave the state with the car after she convinced me that a better paying/ stable job she would be able to afford payments/insurance and eventually qualify for the loan amount. She quit the job and though she took on another job is having difficulty qualifying. Looks like it is leaning more toward inheritance.

 

[kage_ar]

One thing that as a parent you know, is the child responsible - have they demonstrated responsibility over the years and earned your trust?

 

[embertx3]

One thing that as a parent you know, is the child responsible - have they demonstrated responsibility over the years and earned your trust?

I was a foolish to believe that this time she would. Indeed an expensive lesson learned.

 

[Cristiano]

I simply tell you would I would and would not do!
I would spend a lot of time listening to her on why she cannot keep it straight.
I would spend a lot of time talking to her on what my expectations were.
I would spend a lot of time talking to her on how I feel about the whole situation.
I would try to forgive her seventy times seven.
I would try to give her one more chance.
I would still try to support her financially only for the basic life needs.
I would not drop her even if she is a mess.
I would make my new expectations very clear and measurable and hold her accountable to them.
I would state very clear and measurable consequences (that escalate) if she does not follow through.
I would try not to react to how I feel, but I would try to keep parenting her.
In my business world we would say “do not fire her yet, but put her on a personal improvement plan”

 

[embertx3]

Indeed, but there is a world of difference between helping someone in a true financial emergency and enabling chronic irresponsibility.

I feel like an enabler but don’t really know how to get out of this one until the car gets paid off.

 

[LaLucia]

Ember, I don’t think you are an enabler. I just think that you are sorry you let your daughter have a car she can’t afford to make payments on and you also don’t want to make payments on it.
I am so sorry you feel that way. But, if you can’t afford to help your daughter in her time of need… I guess you can go pick up the car like you said you wanted to do and just do it.
I f she was my daughter I would want her to be safe in driving a car. She needs the car to drive to work, college and to the baby sitters to take care of her child. If you take the car away she will have to suffer and take the bus every day to work, college and child care.
I truly don’t think you ar enabling your daughter by helping her out.
My dad did the best he could for us kids and now we are adults and we are financially taking care of him now.
“You reap what you sow”.
Your daughter is tryng to do the best that she can in trying to support herself and her child. At least she is not on welfare.
Without a car to get to work on time she could end up on being a single parent welfare mother . Then she will never be motivated to work again.
I know it is a tough decision for you but you must search your heart and see if you can be kind to your daughter at this time of her need. The cost of living is very high and it is hard for her.
These are my final words to you. God Bless you in whatever decision you make. I also pray that your daughter can finally start making the payments on the car. I hope God helps her to find a better job so she can make the car payments. Then your problem will be solved.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I feel like an enabler but don’t really know how to get out of this one until the car gets paid off.

Not an enabler so much as a parent who wants the best for the adult child. The adult child betrayed your trust.

Now, you know better. Let God forgive you, and go from there.

You have a choice to make. It’s your decision. You’ve been given many good options. Look at them, prayerfully consider them, and act upon the one that best suits your situation.