I was right about my FIL's safety being at stake

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jazzy0710

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During my time as a member on this site I have complained a lot about my FIL and his wife. I get it. It wasn’t all them. I did have to change some of my ways as well which I did. Heck I even did therapy with a Psychologist because I so badly wanted to be able to get along with them very well. Plus I also had issues with Anxiety and Depression as well that I wanted to sort out which I was able to do very successfully.

However Both my husband and I tried everything we could to get along with his stepmother. We tried praying, turning the other cheek, being sympathetic, and we also tried showing her all of the love and kindness we could however we failed. Such as life. We never wanted it to come to this but she unfortunately was too toxic for us (no filter, over stepping boundaries, etc) and we had to make the choice to protect ourselves and most importantly our son.

My husband and I do much better without her in our lives. We are less anxious, less stressed, and can relax much more easily.

Other things got much worse though.

Other family members and friends of my FIL began to notice a big difference in my FIL. He doesn’t go out to visit either friends or family hardly at all (when he comes to see our son he sneaks over on his lunch break so his wife won’t see him) he has very intense respiratory problems as well. He also looks like he hasn’t slept in months,

Now what gets me is that I posted on here a little while ago with concerns about my FIL’s safety and was told to stop trying to control his life. I’m not going to lie, that really hurt me. I may appear as if I’m coming across that way but I can assure that it’s not my intention to do that to someone.

Anyway almost a month ago now my FIL told my husband that he would not be attending our son’s birthday party because it would start a huge fight with his wife that he could not deal with because it would make the weekend terrible for him. We expected that he would decline of course.

A few days before our son’s party my FIL came by on his lunch break. My DH was not home, it was just me and my son. My son was napping when he came by. It was at this moment when I began to realize that my suspicions were likely true.

My FIL handed me $15.00 in cash telling me it was for my son because he figured cash was a good option because we could put it in his piggy bank. I said “That’s very thoughtful thank you” and I gave him a hug. He then tells me that he didn’t get him a card because it would have started a fight with his wife that he couldn’t deal with. Then he takes off his sunglasses to clean them. His left eye was black. In fact, it was the worst black eye I have ever seen. He also had a small cut on his eyebrow with 2 stitches in it.

I asked him what happened and he would not make any eye contact with me. He couldn’t give a straight answer. He tells me he did it at work because people didn’t help him when he needed help. Then he left.

I told my DH about it when he came home and he gave him a call and asked about it. He told my husband something completely different. He told him that he walked into a door and he didn’t even know it was bleeding because nobody told him. My thought is that he works on a military base with over 500 people. If he was bleeding someone would have told him and he would have got workers comp which he did not.

My husband and I were thinking that he tried to stand his ground with his wife about something(and she’s used to having her own way even when they can’t afford whatever it is she wants) and she got peeved off and hit him.

He also told other family members a different story about what happened as well.

So my question now is what do we do now? Do we leave him be to decide whether or not he’s had enough or should we try talking to him about our concerns for his health and safety and if so how should we go about it.

Feedback of any sort would be greatly apprechiated, Thanks 🙂
 
I feel so bad for your FIL!

I think maybe you should have your FIL come over, along with other family members, except his wife. Sort of like an intervention of of a kind. You should all tell him your concerns without attacking her directly. Mention how you all heard a different account of his black eye… Let him know that you all think she is controlling all of his moves and that it is not acceptable. Offer him a safe place to come if he ever needs to get away.

If it were me, I would also have your husband and you confront her on a different day and tell her that your whole family saw the black eye and you know it was from her and not one of the many differing stories your FIL offered. Be clear that if it or any other physical harm ever happens again, you will notify the police. Let her know that you have your FILs back and your eye on her.

And then keep a watchful eye on him.
 
I wouldn’t know where to begin with this either. I presume your FIL isn’t elderly enough to warrant the attention of the senior services office since you said he was working. I guess, based on what you said, I would start by calling the local police office, explaining the situation, and asking if there is a hotline, agency, or program they can recommend when you believe an adult is the victim of abuse. At the very least, you can give that information to your FIL. If he is a member of the military, there might be additional resources available through them? It may be that unless you see the assault in person, there isn’t anything you can do by try to convince him to get help.
 
jazzy0710 said:
So my question now is what do we do now? Do we leave him be to decide whether or not he’s had enough or should we try talking to him about our concerns for his health and safety and if so how should we go about it.

Feedback of any sort would be greatly apprechiated, Thanks 🙂
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This is a question that many people ask.

Until and unless your FIL is willing to admit what really happened, there isn’t much you can do.

Of course you can confront him. But know that he may end up upset at everyone, rather than admitting that she is abusing him.

And of course, you can, and should, offer him a place to run to, when it gets bad. But also know that he may not ever take you up on it.

Spousal abuse is terrible, but it goes on every day in our society.
 
Well, if he works on a military base, I’d call their HR people and ask them about the injury he implied to you he received while working there. Tell them that he was very evasive in his replies, and although he may have simply been covering with you for an accident at work that embarrasses him because it was his own fault you are concerned that he is actually the victim of domestic violence. (Do not tell them that he accused any co-workers.)

Ask that your inquiry be kept strictly anonymous, because you have reason to believe there may be negative repercussions for him at home if his spouse knew he talked to anyone about his injury. The chances are not slight that someone there may be in a position to intervene. His supervisor ought to be alerted about the problem, at any rate. In the unlikely event that his story is more-or-less true, you will also have done no harm.
 
Without jumping to conclusions, is he on any heart medication such as blood thinners? These can cause ‘black eye’ or bruising even from a minor bump or scratch.
 
SyroMalankara said:
Without jumping to conclusions, is he on any heart medication such as blood thinners? These can cause ‘black eye’ or bruising even from a minor bump or scratch.
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If this were the case, he wouldn’t have made up so many different stories.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I feel so bad for your FIL!

I think maybe you should have your FIL come over, along with other family members, except his wife. Sort of like an intervention of of a kind. You should all tell him your concerns without attacking her directly. Mention how you all heard a different account of his black eye… Let him know that you all think she is controlling all of his moves and that it is not acceptable. Offer him a safe place to come if he ever needs to get away.

If it were me, I would also have your husband and you confront her on a different day and tell her that your whole family saw the black eye and you know it was from her and not one of the many differing stories your FIL offered. Be clear that if it or any other physical harm ever happens again, you will notify the police. Let her know that you have your FILs back and your eye on her.

And then keep a watchful eye on him.
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This is atcually what we were thinking of. I think it sounds like a good option. Thank you for your feedback 🙂
 
Allegra said:
I wouldn’t know where to begin with this either. I presume your FIL isn’t elderly enough to warrant the attention of the senior services office since you said he was working. I guess, based on what you said, I would start by calling the local police office, explaining the situation, and asking if there is a hotline, agency, or program they can recommend when you believe an adult is the victim of abuse. At the very least, you can give that information to your FIL. If he is a member of the military, there might be additional resources available through them? It may be that unless you see the assault in person, there isn’t anything you can do by try to convince him to get help.
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That sounds like a good idea too thank you 🙂

No he isn’t elderly enough. He’s only like 56 I do believe and his wife is around 53 or so. She’s much more solid then him though, and taller, and has a lot of strength for a woman.
 
maryjk said:
This is a question that many people ask.

Until and unless your FIL is willing to admit what really happened, there isn’t much you can do.

Of course you can confront him. But know that he may end up upset at everyone, rather than admitting that she is abusing him.

And of course, you can, and should, offer him a place to run to, when it gets bad. But also know that he may not ever take you up on it.

Spousal abuse is terrible, but it goes on every day in our society.
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Very true.

My husband and I have had the discussion already about letting him come stay with us temporarily if need be.

He’s in a very difficult situation though. He owns his house and has for over 20 years. It’s still not paid off yet. This is his third marriage. If he decided to end things with her she wouldn’t willingly leave. She’d put up quite a big fight. She also wouldn’t really have anywhere to go. She doesn’t work and her 2 children from her previous marriage keep distance from her for the same reasons that my husband and I do, I also know that he wouldn’t walk out because it’s his house and he’s worked hard for it.
 
Dacinom said:
I will be praying for your father in law, and for your family. It seems as if your father in law may be being beaten by his wife. This is sadly a more common scenario then modern day culture would have people believe. Most men are too humiliated to seek help, which makes sense. Where do they go? The police? A battered women’s shelter? They feel like they would be asked why they didn’t fight back or defend themselves since they are usually bigger and stronger. Many feel afraid that their dominant wives would accuse them of “starting it” and they would wind up in jail anyway (as is sometimes true.) Many are afraid to press charges and unless the couple gets serious help things usually go back to the way they were anyway.

At this point, a phone call to a local domestic violence center, Catholic Charities center, your local Catholic diocese, or police that handles domestic violence for advice would be wise to ask how or if there is any way you can proceed. Maybe nothing you can do now, but perhaps hold a family meeting to have an action plan with how to handle any other mysterious bruising?

Now about you dear Jazzy: I know you posted that you got advice to back out of their lives. I read over your posts, and noticed that you have been posting very intense frustration over your in-laws since 2011. Here is my take on it. I don’t think that it is possible for you to back out of their lives emotionally, for whatever reason when something happens you get worked up and wrapped up and the intense feelings come and you just can’t help it. So my advice is when that happens take those feelings and rather then give into them and ruminate on them and make them worse…try and breathe deep and hand them over to Jesus as best as you can.

You can’t control your feelings, but you can try and control the nervous energy that sometimes comes with intense feelings. When you get worked up over a negative interaction with your in-laws: Clean a closet, go for a bike ride, rearrange furniture in your home or something to refocus the energy that you have. For example, you are sad right now but you know that you cannot make your father in law call the police or testify against his wife. So, after you call the domestic violence center then you sit down, say a prayer, hand it over to God and then go rearrange your furniture or something physical to help let it go as best as you can. Otherwise you will go crazy believe me I speak from experience. God bless.
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Thanks Monicad 😉
 
EasterJoy said:
Well, if he works on a military base, I’d call their HR people and ask them about the injury he implied to you he received while working there. Tell them that he was very evasive in his replies, and although he may have simply been covering with you for an accident at work that embarrasses him because it was his own fault you are concerned that he is actually the victim of domestic violence. (Do not tell them that he accused any co-workers.)

Ask that your inquiry be kept strictly anonymous, because you have reason to believe there may be negative repercussions for him at home if his spouse knew he talked to anyone about his injury. The chances are not slight that someone there may be in a position to intervene. His supervisor ought to be alerted about the problem, at any rate. In the unlikely event that his story is more-or-less true, you will also have done no harm.
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Thanks Easter Joy 🙂 My FIL isn’t atcually in the military he is a civillian worker but my husband is in the military so I guess it would be worth a shot for my husband to inquire but whether they will tell him anything or not i’m not so sure.
 
SyroMalankara said:
Without jumping to conclusions, is he on any heart medication such as blood thinners? These can cause ‘black eye’ or bruising even from a minor bump or scratch.
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He used to be on heart medication a couple of years ago but he stopped taking them because he couldn’t afford both the heart medication and his wife’s fibromyalgia medication.
 
The police cannot and will not do anything unless the MIL or the FIL calls them in the midst of a domestic disturbance. Even then, the police can only take reports and then ultimately separate the two of them. They often just remove the H from the scene because no matter who seems to be at fault … the man always takes the blame, usually being bigger and stronger. Apparently this is not the case here. You cannot call the police and tell them what you think is happening and expect more than maybe filing a report.

Most people don’t understand that police are not enabled by the law to prevent crimes from occuring. All they can do is deal with the middle or the aftermath of crimes being committed all depending on being contacted and arriving on scene at a particular moment. Witnesses can be helpful. But seeing a black eye on someone is not the same thing as seeing them being hit by another person.

Also, I would strongly caution about interfering with the FIL’s workplace environment. Co-workers have seen his black eye. If he chooses not to report it, that is entirely up to him. All this might do is cause his superiors to be suspicious of him and this intervention as though he were a child can likely backfire.

In fact, just like a parent intervening at school … going to the principal’s office about their child being bullied. All that does is make life worse for their child at school and everyone knows it.

Your FIL is a grown man. He has to make choices and take the consequences just like you and everyone else does. Of course you are worried and concerned and it seems you have reason to be. But you cannot just insert yourself in his life and try to control what is happening to him.

Be welcoming, helpful (when asked) and kind … pray for everyone involved. But I strongly advise not to take action through the police or FIL’s workplace. He will not thank you for the increase in problems at home that this will cause.
 
LASAD602 said:
In fact, just like a parent intervening at school … going to the principal’s office about their child being bullied. All that does is make life worse for their child at school and everyone knows it.
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I think that’s up for dispute, however, I didn’t mean that the OP should tattle on her FIL to his supervisor. Lots of large corporations and government jobs have benefits packages that include counselors and legal help in these sort of matters. They are generally handled by a contracted third party, in order to preserve the anonymity of the employee. The supervisor wouldn’t know about it and there’s no reason for the OP to give his name if she asks for the contact information.
 
LASAD602 said:
The police cannot and will not do anything unless the MIL or the FIL calls them in the midst of a domestic disturbance. Even then, the police can only take reports and then ultimately separate the two of them. They often just remove the H from the scene because no matter who seems to be at fault … the man always takes the blame, usually being bigger and stronger. Apparently this is not the case here. You cannot call the police and tell them what you think is happening and expect more than maybe filing a report.

Most people don’t understand that police are not enabled by the law to prevent crimes from occuring. All they can do is deal with the middle or the aftermath of crimes being committed all depending on being contacted and arriving on scene at a particular moment. Witnesses can be helpful. But seeing a black eye on someone is not the same thing as seeing them being hit by another person.

Also, I would strongly caution about interfering with the FIL’s workplace environment. Co-workers have seen his black eye. If he chooses not to report it, that is entirely up to him. All this might do is cause his superiors to be suspicious of him and this intervention as though he were a child can likely backfire.

In fact, just like a parent intervening at school … going to the principal’s office about their child being bullied. All that does is make life worse for their child at school and everyone knows it.

Your FIL is a grown man. He has to make choices and take the consequences just like you and everyone else does. Of course you are worried and concerned and it seems you have reason to be. But you cannot just insert yourself in his life and try to control what is happening to him.

Be welcoming, helpful (when asked) and kind … pray for everyone involved. But I strongly advise not to take action through the police or FIL’s workplace. He will not thank you for the increase in problems at home that this will cause.
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Thanks for the feedback 🙂
 
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