I wish I could go back and chat with myself

  • Thread starter Thread starter FarmerTim
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
F

FarmerTim

Guest
I’m not sure why I am really posting in here. I don’t have any particular question or seeking any answer. I’m just profoundly melancholy that I am in the predicament that I am currently in. I have been married for 17 years and have two very wonderful children.
I was raised Catholic but left the church around the time I went into the military. I certainly prayed when bullets were wizzing by and when hunkered down in fox hole but that was it. Now in my mid forties I have found new life in the church. It really felt like coming home. My wife isn’t Catholic and I think she more or less believes but really doesn’t want anything to do with the church.
She is truly one of the nicest people you could ever meet. But when nobody is around, she has this knack, this really special gift, of being able to make those around her just feel like crud. I stay with her because it is the right thing to do. I stay because of the kids. I stay because I made the promise. This isn’t a new thing, I have been at this point now for at least 15 of the 17 years. I keep thinking I can stick it out until one of us dies, I’m tough. But at the same time I wish one of us would just hurry up! I would never wish for anything bad to happen to her in any way. I was just recently struck by all of this and how impossible it all feels. My uncle who is about 85 needed some help moving recently. So his son and I took the task and helped him move. My aunt, his wife is one very cold mean woman and he is the nicest guy and the one everyone loves to be around. Anyway, after moving we ended up going to a bar to get some refreshments because it was about 10 at night and everything was closed in the small mountain town of about 200 people. We ended up talking about his life up to that point and he actually ended up weeping over his choice to stay with his wife. He said he stayed out of some perverse sense of loyalty and it was wrong to get divorced. I sat there realizing that this could be me someday. I could be sitting there thinking that it was a total waste of my life to stay with this woman.

But at the same time, I don’t want my kids coming from a broken home. I don’t know what is right any more. I wish I could go back and have a talk with myself. I’d tell myself that this is a mistake. That it may all seem rosy now but you are going to end up in a miserable sexless marriage and you will end up bitter. I would ask what do you mean by bitter and I’d say that I hate weddings now, I hate movies about weddings, I hate discussions about weddings. I was always a true romantic at heart, but lately not so much.

My son recently asked how he would know when he found true love. I wanted to tell him that it doesn’t exist, that one wife is probably as good as the next, that it really is nothing more than a tolerance or endurance test. That love stinks, romance is an illusion, and that it is a very long, dark, cold, lonely walk down lovers lane. But instead, I just said that I really hope he can find it. And that if you pray, hopefully meet someone in the church and take you time, you can be happy.

My wife doesn’t appreciate “all this church” garbage that I have tried to bring into our lives and it has acted a bit like a wedge on certain issues. She was raised protestant and feels that all the kneeling and responses during church feels to “cultish” in nature.

I just felt the need after 15 years to finally open up and tell the truth in way that is anonymous. To let the cat out of the bag. This has been very therapeutic for me to finally put this all out there. It has only really been between my ears for the last 15 years. I pray every day for strength to stay.

Hopefully I don’t sound like too much of an Eeyore with this note, I usually wouldn’t articulate what I am feeling in this type of an open manner but just felt compelled.
 
*Hmmm…that was brave of you to write. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down right now…

I have had my marriage ups and downs…would she be open to counseling? You married her for a reason…better yet…you ASKED her to marry you for a reason. Sometimes, life and details get in the way…our ‘old’ selves are buried under all of what life has thrown at us. For my husband and me, we sought counseling, but I also strayed from the faith for a while. I think it makes a huge difference, when both husband and wife are on the same page, especially with faith.

But, to go through life miserable…that’s a sad place to be. You don’t have to be miserable. Your wife probably isn’t happy either, if she senses you aren’t…I would try to go for a marriage encounter weekend…or retreat…or get away together, and just talk. Find out what drew you both together…there’s hope. My marriage is proof of that. I actually asked for a divorce, and my husband waited for me to come back to the faith–and here we are. (that happened about 8/9 years ago, something like that)

Don’t despair…don’t be miserable. That is what the devil wants…he is thinking…ah ha! Another marriage in my grip, that I can destroy. Your wife, if she is making people around her feel ‘like crud,’ as you say…she needs to correct that–you need to tell her to correct that. Isn’t it funny, how if we were managing someone at work, we would have no problem correcting them, if they were not performing? But, we are too afraid to ask our spouses to change their hurtful ways. :o

I will pray for you both–keep up your faith and hope. Hope in the Lord, and you’ll never hope in vain! (Fr Corapi)*
 
My dad and step mom were kind of in a similar rut in their marriage. My dad is a farmer and enjoys the SLOW life at home by himself. My step mom wanted to travel, be social, have fun. Finally, when all of us kids were out of the house and settled into our own lives. She basically told him, this is what I am doing, you are welcome to come along or you can stay at home by yourself, it is up to you, but I am going to have fun. Dad has traveled a bit with her. He doesn’t go to all the social events that she does, but he doesn’t complain when she goes.

I really think that was the best thing for their marriage. Yes in some aspects they live two different lives, although they are still together and they are both happy.

Blessings to you and your family!!
 
I’ve been married for 46 years and recently have been feeling “alone” in my marriage for different reasons. About 20 years ago my husband and I separated for 3 months. Like you I didn’t want my children (still at home, ages 11 & 14) to be fatherless. I was hurting very much and prayed to make the right decision. My husband and I went to counseling for almost 2 years. I’m glad I did and things improved. The memories and pain sometimes return at night when I can’t sleep. The “video” starts playing in my head of the bad times. I have to make an effort to “shut off” the video. I sometimes pray my rosary or get up and fix a cup of tea and read scripture or just talk with the Lord. I remind myself that love is a decision that I have to renew at times. One of the churches movements that may be helpful is the Marriage Encounter weekend. My prayers go with you.
 
I’m glad you opened up. I think part of what makes it challenging to remain in a difficult marriage is that we hold it in. It’s a good thing to be able to share what’s really going on.

I think any marriage that lasts any amount of time is going to have moments like you describe. (Some moments last longer than others…) We fall into the trap of thinking that the hearts-and-flowers type of romance is going to last. Not so for many people. In fact, truth be told, I suspect it’s not true for most people. There comes a point when marriage takes real work. It sounds as though - from your perspective at least - it feels like you’re putting in most of the effort in terms of making it work. Remember that there are two perspectives in a marriage, though, and most of the time there’s *some *validity to both points of view.

One thing I have learned in my own marriage… It sounds self-evident, but we often forget it… I can only hope to change myself. I can’t change my spouse, and I will only make myself more frustrated and bitter if I try.

One other thing I’ve learned. For me, score-keeping is a sure way to make our marriage worse. If I start off keeping score (I did this & he didn’t do that…), I will have an iron-clad guarantee of being unhappy, and I’ll make my husband unhappy in the process.

Have you considered counseling? Often just getting an objective opinion can shed some light on an aspect of the relationship you haven’t considered. And if your wife is unwilling, you can go on your own.

It sounds like your faith is becoming more important to you. Your parish priest may be able to help you sort through things, and would do so in a way that will be congruent with your religious beliefs. Also, since you were away for a while, he can help you to sort out some of the misconceptions you may have picked up along the way.

I’m glad you felt safe posting about how you felt since it was anonymous. So I don’t know your name, but I’ll pray for you, for your wife, for your marriage, and your kids. God knows who you are, and if you listen, he’ll give you guidance.

In His love,

NCSue
 
I just have one question: Were you and your wife “best friends” at the time of the wedding? (ie: were you able to have endless talks about nothing at all on the phone and in person?)
 
FarmerTim said:
We ended up talking about his life up to that point and he actually ended up weeping over his choice to stay with his wife. He said he stayed out of some perverse sense of loyalty and it was wrong to get divorced. I sat there realizing that this could be me someday. I could be sitting there thinking that it was a total waste of my life to stay with this woman.
Click to expand...
“How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:16)
 
jmcrae said:
I just have one question: Were you and your wife “best friends” at the time of the wedding? (ie: were you able to have endless talks about nothing at all on the phone and in person?)
Click to expand...
There was a time when I had first met her that it was the case. I had proposed but then ended up being deployed to Iraq. Things changed for me a bit there. Nothing concrete or anything, but just a vague feeling of emotional numbness. It didn’t feel right getting married right at that time but she really pushed and said I was just having pre-wedding jitters. Although that was my fourth combat theater deployment, it was different and it changed me. But I felt that the most honorable thing to do was to follow through with the promise I had made. She was alone back in the states and had a lot of time to visualize the wedding in her mind. And I think that is what kept her going by working through all of the details while I was gone. And when I got back, she was ready to jump on it and get married.

In hind sight, I should have taken a step back and regrouped mentally. But again, hind sight is definitely 20/20
 
so Tim, you yourself may have some PTSD. you’re sad and you’re disappointed and you’ve seen a LOT.

but Jesus is calling you to remain near His Most Sacred Heart. see how good He is?

specific advice:

pray a lot in front of the Blessed Sacrament. you don’t have to talk a lot about it, just do it.
spend fun and funny times with your kids.
get them involved in some charitable work with you.
get Christian counseling, esp with someone who has experience in PTSD.
be kind and be quiet around the house.
find a catholic mentor. maybe a fellow at church, perhaps a fellow on CAF. talk it over. don’t let things ruminate between your ears anymore. the Communion of Saints-- use it.

Luke 65 hit the nail. and NCSue’s advice was good-- especially about retiring the score card.
 
You can’t change how she behaves. But sometimes when you change how you treat people, they have to change to keep up.

You can’t make her a Catholic, but you can find such peace in it that it makes her jealous for what you have and makes her interested in it too. That takes some time. As for the kneeling and standing and sitting… we worship God with all our bodies… each posture has a purpose. Standing is the official prayer posture for Catholics. Notice whenever we pray out loud, we are standing. Sitting is when we are being instructed or waiting for the next part of Mass. Kneeling is what we do during adoration, when Christ is being made present to us in the Consecration and then is present within us after Communion. So there is a method to all the up and down and sitting. Just like a soldier’s posture means something… at attention, parade rest, etc.

Don’t give up. Maybe you won’t be 85 years old someday crying about your life. A lot can happen in a week, much less 40 years. Allow God to work through you. Emphasize for your son, though, the importance of finding someone whose relationship with God is important. That will have much to do with their relationships with their spouses and families.
 
I was thinking the opposite of
the OP. I have no children to raise,
And I have no wife. I also am a romantic, but have absolutely no way of expressing sexualiity at all.
I thought my life was ruined as a result of my single state.

Which of us are correct?

I don’t like weddings,or movies about weddings, or valentines day.
etc… but this is because I don’t have even an opportunity to experience any of it.

For someone with nothing to eat,
The food others throw away looks
good.

I guess I would ask the both of you, do you both fully…and I mean fully understand what could
have happened?
You could have had lifes same problems and stresses, but with knowone to care about you at all.

As far as sex, having a marriage without it is completely against all
logic to me. Obviously if you marry
someone there must have been some phisical attraction. And you must have enjoyed sex because we are designed to.

my conclusion of the matter is that
I wish I was so rich that someone
could put a steak in front of me, and I would complain that it was medium rare when I wanted it well done.I bet poor people would
love anything to eat.

I guess I wish I was so blessed that I had a wife and children, and
a way to provide for them in this economy. And actualy not appreciate it.

Im not stupid, I know that its not easy when you and your wife has problems. However I believe that it
is NEVER justified to take the person for granted. Even when they get on your nerves, its better
then nothin.
 
I am full of admiration for you to stay committed in a marriage that has been such a cross.

I will remember you on my rosary today. We’ve had bad years, but 15 years is a loooonnnngggg time in the desert. I think you should find a Catholic counsellor or a pastor to talk these things over.

Please persevere! Try to find solace in Jesus and the Church.
 
Those are all very good ideas. My post might not have painted the entire picture because I didn’t want to waste folks time with long winded backgrounds. But I am definitely the fun one of the two of us. I do lots of things with my kids both here at the farm and out in the community. I’m on three board of directors in the community. And I do the majority of the cooking and most of the shopping. And hold down two full time jobs. And I think I had just hit a point of exhaustion a few days ago that was a complete exhaustion. And that can weigh heavy on every aspect of my life. I feel I have to be everything for everyone, fixing things at my parents house constantly, keeping the farm going, working at an office 50 hours a week, the cooking, the parenting, the church/religious/spiritual director for the family, and the social planner and executer of those social gatherings for the family. But it is what needs to be done and I’m far better off than my friends that died in the service. I’ve never been one to complain but I guess I just saved it up for a while and then vented with my post. Maybe that is all I need every fifteen years 😃

I especially liked the idea of not keeping a score card, praying the blessed sacrament, praying in general more, and counseling. I hadn’t thought about going to my padre because I thought he might take away the children’s liturgy from me if he thought I wasn’t at 100% or that it was adding to my already insane workload. And the children’s liturgy is truly a blessing.

I have always been the goofy one, the “class clown”, the silly joker, and the practical joke player. I think I went into a bit of a slump a week ago and I can feel myself clawing back out. I’m almost back to the category of “right as rain”.

I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, I feel as though they have all worked. By the way, I am a chicken farmer so here is the joke of the day. Why does a chicken coop always have two doors, because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan!
Tim
 
Yours is a heartfelt post that has elements in it I can absolutely identify with. I’ve been married ten years longer than you, but we’re about the same age. I sense the same questioning in your life that I have felt myself over the last few years; that natural tendency one seems to have in one’s mid-forties to wonder if this is what life is all about.

We’ve made choices and we keep our promises. In many ways that is enough justification to stay in a marriage. What is a man who has no sense of honor, responsibility or a need to protect those whom he has been entrusted? I can read that also in your words.

In my case, I was emotionally head-over-heels in love with my wife for more than twenty years. I was a blessed man. She was the sunlight in my morning; just being around her took my breath away. When she turned forty, she seemed to hit her own mid-life crisis; it coincided with many of our children reaching college age and I suspect she began to wonder what her life was going to be like without home schooling and small children. I can only guess, though, as she is not a communicator. We have never been able to talk and counseling is out of the question.

For several years I was put through emotional abuse and was literally reduced to a quivering man with no self confidence. I could not even hold a pen in my hand without it shaking so badly I could not write. She could never even see what she was doing; to her I was a monster of some kind. Keep in mind, this was a women who was the kindest, most giving person I had ever met before this. I was in awe of her gentle spirit and compassion. In her place was a mean, cruel, selfish person who I did not know. I was on anxiety medication and seriously wondered if the world would be a better place without me.

The last year, though, things have improved. She’s slowly moving back to being closer to the person she once was. I take it day by day.

There were many times I said the same things to myself about wanting to go back and warn younger-me. I would have said nearly the same things as you.

A commonality I see between us is the sexless marriage. Mine is not actually devoid of the act; she is willing to lend me her body one a week or so. She is not interested in being part of it, though. She just kind of seems “over it” to me. I’ve tried to ask her about it, but we have never been able to talk – she’s too afraid of confrontation. I’ve given up trying.

For me at least, the sexual bonding was a key component of my emotional attachment to my wife. I can’t explain it well, but when our sex life was rich and fulfilling, I was so much more emotionally close to her. Many of you will rush to say it’s the other way around: my lack of emotional attachment has led to our poor sex life. All I can say is she and I have been together since we were teenagers and we have never been with anyone else. We had a fantastic love life for over twenty years. I know what pleases her – or, more to the fact, what used to. I know she is checked-out. I also know that my emotional attachments stayed around a long time, years even, after the sex went downhill.

It is such a powerful force – a gift that cannot be duplicated. I don’t know if that is an area you can explore with your wife. Perhaps adding that element back in might help spark a change in your attitude.

For Better or For Worse is part of the bargain. I’m no longer at the point where I wish I could escape and start over, but I’m also not in the place where I exult in my wife’s presence as I used to. Our marriage feels more like a mutual compact to raise children together. There are worse things, I guess.

You have to find ways to be content within yourself. You sound busy, perhaps too busy. Are there any activities you do for yourself? A man without hopes and dreams in some achievable part of life is a man who is just trudging through his days. You may not be able to change things in your marriage, but if you have a hobby, or some other activity that you can control and make plans for, it goes a long way towards self-acceptance.

I used to define myself with how happy I could make my wife; doing things for her, taking her places, sending her little emails. I would shiver in delight when her fingers caressed my shoulder as we worked together in the kitchen. Now, I am more complete as a person. I am more involved in my children and in my own hobbies, which I have delighted in sharing with my children. I am not defined by her or our relationship.

I am a lot more lonely, though. I suspect we both feel that way.
 
hi Tim, I wanted to let you know that I did remember you and your family on my rosary this morning. Plus, I prayed it in the dentist chair, getting a temporary crown, so I’m pretty sure it’s worth double graces 😃

Don’t forget to take a Sabbath on Sundays! It’s God’s plan for the overworked. 👍
 
Leonie, That is definitely worth double points while in the dentist chair!! Thank you. I’ve always felt weird asking for someone to pray for me. But thank you.

GhostMan, Thank you for your reply. There are some similarities in our situations and it is helpful to hear other folks that go through similar things. Just knowing I am not alone is a good thing. I don’t think I have had a hard time focusing so much on what makes me happy, lately it is just that I don’t have time. I have focused so long on being everything to everyone, that I put what I want to do farther down the list. I’m going on a fly fishing trip in a couple of weeks and I’m sure that will put it all back in perspective 🙂 I can calm my mind and focus better after that.
 
FarmerTim said:
Those are all very good ideas. My post might not have painted the entire picture because I didn’t want to waste folks time with long winded backgrounds. But I am definitely the fun one of the two of us. I do lots of things with my kids both here at the farm and out in the community. I’m on three board of directors in the community. And I do the majority of the cooking and most of the shopping. And hold down two full time jobs. And I think I had just hit a point of exhaustion a few days ago that was a complete exhaustion. And that can weigh heavy on every aspect of my life. I feel I have to be everything for everyone, fixing things at my parents house constantly, keeping the farm going, working at an office 50 hours a week, the cooking, the parenting, the church/religious/spiritual director for the family, and the social planner and executer of those social gatherings for the family. Tim
Click to expand...
Hi FarmerTim -

Good Lord, honey - you may be the fun one, but if you keep running at that pace and working that hard, you’ll be deader’n a doornail! Take a little time for you! You’re worth it!
 
Wow, I am really sorry you are feeling this way. Marriage is very difficult at times. I have also wished I could “go back and chat with myself”.

One of the most important things I would have said to myself would have been to “marry Catholic. You may think it isn’t important now, but there is so much you don’t know. You will grow so deeply in your faith and even deeper if your spouse is Catholic, too.”

But, hey, too late for that talk now.

She doesn’t sound happy, and I am sure she could probably post some things about you if she had the chance. We are all fallen human beings. Hopefully our goal is to heal ourselves and one another to be closer to Christ. My marriage goal was basically to help my DH get closer to glory! His goal is to chase his own happiness at any cost (end justifies the means). So, when a disagreement arises, and his mind’s eye is fixed on his own happiness- well, you see.

Doesn’t sound like this is an abusive situation, just desperate. So…

The good thing is- you have a wonderful opportunity here!!!

It sounds like you two have never even spoken about what is going on? Sounds like no counseling, or Marriage encounter, or renewal has been tried at all? Wow, you have so much you could do, and as a strong Catholic man of faith, let the church and the grace of God move you into a loving way with your wife.

She may resist you for a while, not trusting the new gestures, but just keep telling her you want to make the last half of your marriage about the two of you, and you can’t wait to get to know her again and find out what her dreams are.

Put a plan together and work it. You might be suprised.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top