I would like opinions on the appropriateness of a scenario

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F_Marturana

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Hello.

I have a 13 year old daughter.

Last night she attended a party with my DH and son. I stayed home with my other son.

It happened to be the birthday of one of the guests at the party as well, so the hosts had a small cake for him, sang happy birthday.

The party had a DJ so the DJ played a song for him, and people made a circle around the birthday guest, and various women took turns dancing with him in the circle. An older guest took it upon herself to tell my daughter to dance with the guest. And nudge her towards him. My daughter refused, but the older woman persisted, nudged her towards the guest and she ended up dancing with the birthday guest. I believe this man is in is twenties. At most he’s an acquaintance, I only know his first name. She danced with him maybe a minute or two, and then stopped.

I’m mad.

I’m mad at my husband for not paying attention that an older woman pushed my 13 year old daughter to dance with a virtual stranger. I’m mad that they danced. And I’m mad at the woman. If it were a young teen, I wouldn’t be upset. I feel a strange 20 something has no business being anywhere near my child especially dancing. The position was the traditional couples position, his hand on her back, and holding her right hand.

My husband is under the opinion I’m over reacting. I don’t think I am. I think he’s underreacting, and didn’t pay close enough attention to the scenario. She said no, and the older lady persisted.

What do you think?
 
Depends on the dancing–are we talking the hokey pokey or the lambada?
Was the general mood lighthearted and fun, or romantic-pairing-off?
I mean, it’s pretty obnoxious for an older person to push a young teen into making themselves the center of attention, but it was probably no harm intended.
But you clearly have a mother’s heart and want to guard your DD! 🙂❤️
 
Maybe you can tell your daughter that if this sort of thing comes up again, to say, “I need to ask my mom/dad.”

Maybe you and your daughter and husband can work out a signal for when your daughter wants you to say no?
 
It’s never good when an adult pushes a young person to do something they said no about in this type of scenario.
 
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I absolutely agree with Katie. If someone says no, it’s no. Period. Especially in today’s environment, no one should be pushed into something that they find uncomfortable, improper, or outright wrong.

I encourage you to teach your daughter the skills to defend herself from a harasser, whether male or female.
 
Thank you. I’m not sure how that would work. It would probably work for my daughter and myself. Not so much for my husband. He’s really not good with signals. He’d get distracted and forget about our signal system.
 
I agree.

I think my being upset has more to do with my husband thinking it’s not a big deal.

I think it is a big deal. The age difference, the fact we don’t know this person other than being an acquaintance, the fact that she said no, but the older lady was oblivious.

No means no.
 
I agree with you. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
You’re right. If your daughter said no, she should have been listened to. Was your daughter upset, or angry? It would definitely have been something I wouldn’t have been comfortable with at her age.
 
I think she was embarrassed at the time. She’s not angry now.

I’m angry because I’m seeing it differently than my husband, and it’s frustrating.
 
I think the older woman was wrong and your husband might be guilty of being slightly oblivious; however, I also think you are overreacting.

Your daughter, the one who was actually impacted by the less than ideal behavior of the adults, isn’t angry or upset. To me, that sounds like she felt safe at the party.
 
How about if it was something as clear as your daughter grabbing your husband and squeezing his arm while asking him if she is allowed to do something?

If he’s really spacey, that still might not work, but it’s worth trying.
 
I think the “ask mom/dad” thing could work but at 13, your daughter is also old enough to say no, and mean no, and does not need to give explanations of her “no”. Sounds like she was too concerned with being polite-- this is a socialized behavior in girls. You need to make it OK for your daughter to say “I said no” and stand her ground-- stare down the lady until she backs away, or simply walk away herself. Maybe she didn’t feel she had permission to do that. Maybe she has been told to always obey adults. This is a lesson in safe environment-- you need to rewire your daughter’s responses-- STAT.

I don’t think you are “over” reacting, I think you are reacting to the wrong thing. I think you need to be reacting to why your daughter felt she had to do what this woman wanted. Why in a social situation she didn’t feel free to say what she really wanted and didn’t want. It’s not about dancing. It’s not about the guy being 20 and her 13, it’s not about your husband not noticing. It’s about your own daughter’s ability to stand up for herself. She’s 13, she needs this ability. Help her with that, not with “i have to ask my mom/dad” and subtle signals of rescue. She’s going to be on her own with no mom and dad in many situations, and needs preparation for that now.
 
1ke said:
Sounds like she was too concerned with being polite-- this is a socialized behavior in girls. You need to make it OK for your daughter to say “I said no” and stand her ground-- stare down the lady until she backs away, or simply walk away herself. Maybe she didn’t feel she had permission to do that. Maybe she has been told to always obey adults. This is a lesson in safe environment-- you need to rewire your daughter’s responses-- STAT.
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Thank you. I understand that behavior well. She said no, but felt intimidated so she gave in. We will work on “no”. She hasn’t really been told always obey adults. I know she’s pretty good at telling me no st least.
 
F_Marturana said:
I know she’s pretty good at telling me no st least.
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Ha ha! Total teenage behavior!

But as girls enter adolescence, they also start to become self conscious (everyone’s looking at me funny…) and they are more concerned than ever with fitting in socially. So, that would be my concern, she’s taking cues from the teenage world around her about going along and getting along, or she’s overly self-conscious or embarrassed in social situations. I don’t know your daughter, of course, these are just suggestions.
 
What your daughter learns now about standing up for herself will serve her well in the future if she encounters a lecherous professor or a Harvey Weinstein type of boss.
 
1ke said:
I think the “ask mom/dad” thing could work but at 13, your daughter is also old enough to say no, and mean no, and does not need to give explanations of her “no”. Sounds like she was too concerned with being polite-- this is a socialized behavior in girls. You need to make it OK for your daughter to say “I said no” and stand her ground-- stare down the lady until she backs away, or simply walk away herself. Maybe she didn’t feel she had permission to do that. Maybe she has been told to always obey adults. This is a lesson in safe environment-- you need to rewire your daughter’s responses-- STAT.

I don’t think you are “over” reacting, I think you are reacting to the wrong thing. I think you need to be reacting to why your daughter felt she had to do what this woman wanted. Why in a social situation she didn’t feel free to say what she really wanted and didn’t want. It’s not about dancing. It’s not about the guy being 20 and her 13, it’s not about your husband not noticing. It’s about your own daughter’s ability to stand up for herself. She’s 13, she needs this ability. Help her with that, not with “i have to ask my mom/dad” and subtle signals of rescue. She’s going to be on her own with no mom and dad in many situations, and needs preparation for that now.
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I think a 13-year-old is right on the cusp of being both a child and a young woman, so on the one hand, she’s deserving of a lot of adult protection, but on the other hand, she should be moving toward autonomy. .

I think she should be able to expect back-up from her parents at 13, but at the same time, as you say, she should be learning the stuff you mention. But at 13, it’s unfair to ask her to have this all mastered. It’s a very awkward age, and kids that age often hate speaking up to unfamiliar adults even when they are comfortable mouthing off at home. (Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.) But your advice to walk away is probably something that a kid that age can manage.

Maybe before she attends her next party, the OP can walk through some strategies for her in case anything happens that makes her uncomfortable?
 
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Thanks.

And I really hope she never encounters anything similar.
 
She isn’t shy at home, or with her friends. But I did notice recently at a skating party, she was too shy to request skates at the skate rental counter. The person at the counter was a 16-17 year old boy. She stood next to me but wanted me to talk and ask for the skates.
 
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