I would like opinions on the appropriateness of a scenario

[F_Marturana]

I know. I do get fleeting thoughts of getting a bubble and tucking her and my other children in there.

 

[F_Marturana]

I was supposed to go as well. But my youngest was sick with a fever, so I stayed home with him.

It was a family party with friends of the host, who are not also our friends.

 

[Xantippe]

She isn’t shy at home, or with her friends. But I did notice recently at a skating party, she was too shy to request skates at the skate rental counter. The person at the counter was a 16-17 year old boy. She stood next to me but wanted me to talk and ask for the skates.

Yeah, that sounds very familiar. We have a 15-year-old, and last year, it was causing a lot of trouble that she was scared to talk to the school secretary (!) about a misplaced library book. She also didn’t want to speak up to her high school teachers about issues and preferred just suffering than speaking up about something where she was in the right. And of course she didn’t want me to say anything. I think she’s getting better through exposure and practice, but we’ve had a lot of situations where she panics in the face of unfamiliar social situations.

My advice would be to keep nudging her toward social independence and make sure she gets lots of practice.

 

[Xantippe]

Another thing to tell your daughter–in any sort of uncomfortable situation, it’s 100% OK to blame mom and dad for why she doesn’t want to do something. Let mom and dad take the blame. Of course, we’d all like it if teenagers had steely resolve in the face of temptation, but the important thing is that they don’t do the dumb or sinful thing.

As our old poster Easter Joy used to say, any landing that you walk away from is a good one.

 

[1ke]

I totally agree. I wasn’t implying she should have it all mastered. Nor that her parents shouldn’t have her back and intervene to help.

Just that her parents should make sure she knows she has the permission to be assertive, to say no, to walk away from situations making her feel uncomfortable, even if that isn’t the social convention. Because her parents aren’t always going to be around, and less and less starting at this age!

 

[Allegra]

I don’t think it’s inappropriate for your daughter to dance with an older person at a family party. I do think it’s strange for someone else to practically insist that she do so and not accept “no” as an answer. It’s all pretty weird to me. Did your daughter or husband say why this lady thought it was so important for your daughter to dance with him? Is he, by chance, mentally disabled and they were trying to help him fit in at the party? I just have a hard time picturing scenario where a person would feel okay with pressuring a young girl to dance with an older man she doesn’t know. The only thing I could come up with is a “Go ask your Awkward-Cousin-Eugene to dance so he doesn’t feel left out” scenario.

 

[F_Marturana]

The setting was that it was a birthday party for one person. The guy also had a birthday, but it wasn’t his party. The hosts had a small cake for him and the DJ played happy birthday and then a song for him.

During the song, some guests formed a circle with him in the middle. My daughter was one of the people forming the circle.

Then, apparently some women took turn dancing. with him. The lady nudged my daughter over to dance with him too. DD said no. The lady persisted.

I’m not sure what the song was. But it was coupled dancing.

The man isn’t special needs at all.