I wouldn't even know what to call this post

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I have a history of choosing unhealthy people to associate with. I use to have this one ‘friend’ who was so controlling, I couldn’t even put a magnet on my fridge without getting the third degree from her. She had a way of talking me into doing things I did not want to do, I would go to great lenghts to do what she would want and at the last minute she would bail and leave me with the big mess to clean up.

Well, I have not seen this woman in over 6 years and there are still times when the memories haunt me.

In fairness to me, I think I have done a lot to ‘get over it’. However, lately the memories have been haunting me and I think I figured out why.

There is a lady at my bible study who has driven me to a few events. I think she is a fun person to be around. I was hoping we could become better friends. I tried to befriend her in a healthy manner ie understanding she has a busy schedule, understanding there are times at the bible study when she will want to talk to others.

Well, lately she has been calling me stupid and tapping her head with her finger. For example, we were at the bible study and this one man was sharing a story. As he was finishing the story, the husband of the host of the bible study walked into the room. When the man finished his story everyone clapped. So I made a joke and said ‘Are we clapping because this is a great story or because Fred walked into the room?’. I though it was an innocent joke. Well she started to hit her head and tell me I think stupid.

That really hurt me. So it brings back all the memories of the other people who were cruel to me.

This lady will often break down in tears at the bible study. I am not sure exactly what trials she is going through but I do want to be a help for her. I also though that since she had trials, perhaps she would understand mine.

But I think there is something even deeper going on here. I was getting my hopes up in getting what I wanted (a friendship with her) and I am realizing that perhaps that is not God’s will. Well actually I believe God wants me to have good friends and he believes I deserve better than friends that tap there head and call me stupid.

I want to put my trust in God and that He will guide (whether it is for me to tell her to stop, she apologizes and we become friends or whether it is for me to find someone else as a friend) However, the tricky part is, I am so full of anger from the past abusive people in my life, that I have no energy to hear God’s voice.

So the question is, how do I get closer to God’s will???

Also, I try really hard not to judge. However, it has been my experience that some woman in unhealthy relationships\marriage tend to take it out on me. (I don’t know if it is because I am single or they take it out on others as well). As much as I want to be her friend no matter what, I do suspect she is not happy in her marriage. She always shows up at events with her kids. Once I asked if her husband was working and couldn’t make it and she rolled her eyes ‘all he wants to do is watch TV’. I think she wishes she had more attention from him. I also was at a party once where her husband asked me if I though he was good looking. I found that a bit odd (since I did not know him well enough for that joke to be OK). I think in my desire to have her as a friend, I forgot to look at the reality of the situation. She is going through trials and doesn’t have it in her at this point to be a friend.

I do plan on telling her to stop hitting her head and telling me I am stupid. I also think that I will pray for her and be a support at the bible study. But… I think I am going to have to give up my hope of us becoming good friends for now

CM
 
God bless you for your kindness! However it may be that this lady has problems you can’t heal, and the best thing you can do is be courteous and pleasant but not become involved. Her behaviour is uncharitable but she may not be able to help this, unless she sought help for herself. She does need your sincere prayers that God will touch and heal her.

You are being warned by past experience.
I fell into this trap of ignoring my inner warnings, thinking I must be all the friend I could be to someone, and give her all the support she needed. I showed her much kindness and a listening ear for over a year. Terrible mistake! She turned not only on me but on a priest and tried to destroy him, unsuccessfully, thank God, after much trauma all around.

I knew too that she could be nasty, and that she had emotional imbalance, and I didn’t like her somehow, but I gave her all the support and warmth I would have to someone I liked. I ignored the warnings. She had illness, and she was lonely, but we don’t have to be rude to others even if we’re suffering.

I pray God will lead you to friends, but there are lots of people who go through marriage pain. I have a husband who psychologically will always be detached from me. That leads to a lot of hurt, it’s just that it took a long while before I realized it isn’t personal. It’s his nature. There was a time that I used to cry every day when my children were at school and he at work. And to this day he criticises me for the smallest things sometimes. But it doesn’t mean one has to be horrible to other people, just because you’re hurting. I always try to be warm, kind and attentive to everyone anyway. And lots of people act accordingly also.

St Therese of Lisieux wrote, “**You must never believe, when you don’t practice virtue, that it is due to some natural cause like illness, time, or grief." **

Some people suffer a lot of pain from illness or relationship hurt or whatever, but it doesn’t follow that they are rude and hurtful to others. You can try telling her if you wish that her behaviour is hurtful, but if she reacts badly don’t blame yourself. It isn’t your failure if you are respectful in how you tell her. And if she does react badly, don’t expect a reciprocal, equal, and kind friendship from her.

I hope and pray she can heal,
and I hope and pray that you do find wholesome friendships.

This kind of destructive relationship can take over to some extent and preoccupy you so much that you begin to lose peace of mind and spiritual health. Please take care. God be with you.
 
cmscms said:
I have a history of choosing unhealthy people to associate with. I use to have this one ‘friend’ who was so controlling, I couldn’t even put a magnet on my fridge without getting the third degree from her. She had a way of talking me into doing things I did not want to do, I would go to great lenghts to do what she would want and at the last minute she would bail and leave me with the big mess to clean up.

Well, I have not seen this woman in over 6 years and there are still times when the memories haunt me.

In fairness to me, I think I have done a lot to ‘get over it’. However, lately the memories have been haunting me and I think I figured out why.

There is a lady at my bible study who has driven me to a few events. I think she is a fun person to be around. I was hoping we could become better friends. I tried to befriend her in a healthy manner ie understanding she has a busy schedule, understanding there are times at the bible study when she will want to talk to others.

Well, lately she has been calling me stupid and tapping her head with her finger. For example, we were at the bible study and this one man was sharing a story. As he was finishing the story, the husband of the host of the bible study walked into the room. When the man finished his story everyone clapped. So I made a joke and said ‘Are we clapping because this is a great story or because Fred walked into the room?’. I though it was an innocent joke. Well she started to hit her head and tell me I think stupid.

That really hurt me. So it brings back all the memories of the other people who were cruel to me.

This lady will often break down in tears at the bible study. I am not sure exactly what trials she is going through but I do want to be a help for her. I also though that since she had trials, perhaps she would understand mine.

But I think there is something even deeper going on here. I was getting my hopes up in getting what I wanted (a friendship with her) and I am realizing that perhaps that is not God’s will. Well actually I believe God wants me to have good friends and he believes I deserve better than friends that tap there head and call me stupid.

I want to put my trust in God and that He will guide (whether it is for me to tell her to stop, she apologizes and we become friends or whether it is for me to find someone else as a friend) However, the tricky part is, I am so full of anger from the past abusive people in my life, that I have no energy to hear God’s voice.

So the question is, how do I get closer to God’s will???

Also, I try really hard not to judge. However, it has been my experience that some woman in unhealthy relationships\marriage tend to take it out on me. (I don’t know if it is because I am single or they take it out on others as well). As much as I want to be her friend no matter what, I do suspect she is not happy in her marriage. She always shows up at events with her kids. Once I asked if her husband was working and couldn’t make it and she rolled her eyes ‘all he wants to do is watch TV’. I think she wishes she had more attention from him. I also was at a party once where her husband asked me if I though he was good looking. I found that a bit odd (since I did not know him well enough for that joke to be OK). I think in my desire to have her as a friend, I forgot to look at the reality of the situation. She is going through trials and doesn’t have it in her at this point to be a friend.

I do plan on telling her to stop hitting her head and telling me I am stupid. I also think that I will pray for her and be a support at the bible study. But… I think I am going to have to give up my hope of us becoming good friends for now

CM
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cms, I can’t say what you need to do. But if it were me, I would back away slowly. For her to imply you were “stupid” is a big, big red flag. She may not be aware of what she is doing, which may present even more difficulties. Many of us Christians get the idea that it is our duty to befriend and help “save” people, and in all fairness God sometimes uses us to do just that. But I think sometimes we presume to be doing God’s will and it just doesn’t seem to work, maybe because it just might not actually be God’s will, or God’s timetable.

This may be one of those times. BTW, if I myself were better at discerning this kind of thing, I’d be in much better shape.

-Tim
 
I have just left an abusive relationship myself and can maybe offer some advice. Before you do anything with any other woman, let Jesus into your heart completely. If your prayer life is not where you want it to be, build it up. Tell Jesus about all of your past and current issues no matter how important or trivial, happy or dark. Then invite him in to heal those areas with his love. Pray for this everyday and allow yourself to be loved and healed. By giving yourself completely to Jesus, you will come to know his will for you.

Also, ask for the protection of the immaculate heart of Mary. Ask for your holy mother to intercede for you and protect you from the pains of the past.
 
I can say in all seriousness that I know what you talk about when you say you get into unhealthy friendships. When I was recovering from events that happened in my past, I made very bad friendships with abusive people. I actually sought out controlling and manipulative people because of my upbringing. It was as if I only felt comfortable when I was being controlled and manipulated.

Honestly, the only thing you can do (and it has worked for me. I am happy to say that I am in HEALTHY friendships where manipulation, insults, and drama isn’t taking place anymore) is work through your own issues and find healing. Do you have a counsellor? They can be a big help in getting the mess in the head all sorted out (and face it, we all have messes to one degree or another). Once you are whole, you’ll recognize what healthy relationships look like and how healthy people should behave.

When it comes to spirituality, sometimes it helps to see Jesus as a friend or a person you can talk frankly to. I viewed Jesus as this all-powerful being and that facet of who he is helped me when I felt like my life had no control. When I was working on intimacy, I would change my prayers from recititive to personal. I would talk to him as if he were my friend and confidant, and that increased intimacy in my own spiritual walk. I made a point to go to mass as often as I could, and I started listening to the local Christian station and my christian music CDs in the car.

I am very sorry to hear that people have been treating you this way. Just know that you deserve friends who value you, and don’t put you down. Personally, I thought your joke was funny! I’d have laughed!! But then, I’m kind of a dork anyway…I love it! 😃
 
A big heart felt thanks for ALL your replies. It is exactly the type of support I needed.

A bit about my past. I always knew deep down when I was in unhelathy friendships, but I never had the strenght or support to leave. For example, if friend A mistreated me and I cried on friend B’s shoulder, friend B would say I was over reacting. So I would stay in both unhealthy friendships. Or, when I was a kid, my brother was very manipulative and physically abusive and I couldn’t very well move out at 8 and get my own appartment.

I do have trusted nuns and priest that I talk to (when they have time). And I do plan on developing an even closer relationshop with Jesus (not sure exactly how yet but I am sure there are tons of ways).

I don’t think I will mention to her how she hurt me unless she does it again. However, if she does, I plan on saying something like ‘Please don’t hit your head and call me stupid. I find it very insulting’ It has been my experience, the more I try to explain, the more people roll their eyes at me so I will keep it short

CM
 
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