I yell at child in front of friends

[AnotherMe]

I am broken hearted. I have a habit of yelling at my child in front of her friends. He will be 13 soon. I am always broken hearted after I embarrass him like this. I need to stop this. Please pray for me. Please give me guidance on how I can stop this and how I can make it right and undo any damage (if at all), that I caused. I want to be a good parent with good memories for my child. I feel terrible.

 

[EasterJoy]

If you apologize to him in front of those friends, I think you’ll get over it more quickly. You don’t have to excuse the reason he gave to provoke you to yell in the first place. It can go like this, “I’m sorry, boys. I am very angry about this, and with good reason, but Jason didn’t deserve to have me yell at him like that, and you certainly didn’t deserve to have to listen to it. I hope you’ll pardon my bad behavior.” Note that the reasons come before the “but” and the apology comes after. (Otherwise, it is not an apology. It is making excuses for yourself and blaming him.)

Do that a few times, and biting your tongue will probably get easier. If not, the point will still be taken.

 

[3DOCTORS]

The first thing to do is to pray, as you have been doing. Resolve that change begins now, and ask God to grant you the grace to carry through on your resolve. Make a good Confession and you’re good to go to the next step.

The next step is of course to sit your son down at a quiet time and take responsibility for what you did that crossed the line. For example, as a parent, you do have the right and duty to correct him, but you make mistakes by doing it 1) in a loud voice instead of a calm, firm tone, and 2) a public setting, especially if his friends are nearby.

Give him time to take in what you’ve said, and don’t make excuses for your past behavior, but do express the concept that wouldn’t it be less frustrating for both parties if we improved our communication. Because you love him and hopefully he loves you back, even if he’s a guy and that might feel mushy to admit. Tell him you’d like to come up with something like a code between the two of you that you use if he does something he shouldn’t. It could be a glance, a hand signal, whatever.

If he has an idea what would work best for him, if it’s reasonable, that’d be great, because that way if you give the signal and he doesn’t obey, you can point this out (not in a nagging way, but just that the two of you agreed on it and you’d like to recommit to making it work).

Hopefully there will be a peaceful and positive agreement, or at least acceptance. From then on it’s just day to day, and if you make a mistake, apologize, recommit to the new plan, lather, rinse, repeat till the drama times become fewer and farther between. God bless! :console:

 

[AussieTrish]

[Lord]

May I respect every child
so they may learn to respect others.
And value each one
As a price beyond compare.

May I share my faith in mutual trust
And enhance theirs as a beacon of hope.
showing freely my profound caring
Through straight answers and a passion for truth.’
May I leave this place better by far
From loving them selflessly and without bargain.

• byNathaleen Cobb*

 

[St_Francis]

I used fines for my children–very small fines so I would apply them early on in a deteriorating situation. Of course, this means they have to have an allowance, which I tried to get them to put 10% in savings, 10% for the Church at Mass.

 

[AussieTrish]

Dear Lord sometimes it is difficult, but please help us to treat others as we wish to be treated, even in legitimate and just correction of unwelcome behavior.
In this way we also teach others how to deal with similar situations that arise in their lives.

 

[Cricket2]

I am broken hearted. I have a habit of yelling at my child in front of her friends. He will be 13 soon. I am always broken hearted after I embarrass him like this. I need to stop this. Please pray for me. Please give me guidance on how I can stop this and how I can make it right and undo any damage (if at all), that I caused. I want to be a good parent with good memories for my child. I feel terrible.

I would say a chronic habit of yelling is a problem. But if this happens only rarely I have to wonder if there might be justification. I do believe in private correction as much as possible, but there are times when a public scolding will serve them better. A little due embarrassment never hurt anyone.

Sometimes I think our young people have been too protected from a little embarrassment and this is why we have so much trouble with rudeness, poor manners, disobedience in school and so on. I am not talking about chronic nasty humiliation, but constructive criticism that allows them to know then and there that they are wrong, or need to change their current behavior.

My parents limited discipline to the home, but if we did wrong in public they corrected us then and there if need be. If we were rude we were told about it and expected to apologize immediately, had we been foolish enough to lie we would be confronted then and there and told that they knew we lied and to make appropriate amends.

I guess I am just trying to say that each incident can be a separate concern. I would worry if yelling was a habit, because really it does only embarrass and build resentment, not character. But sometimes, a raised voice is just what is in order.

I will pray for you, that you are more calm and in control. Perhaps you and your daughter could benefit from some counseling concerning the behaviors and issues that bring you to this point.

 

[Anglewannabe]

It depends on why you are yelling at him. If he knows he shouldn’t be doing it, perhaps he is purposely doing it to get a rise out of you.

However, if he had no idea he was allowed to do something… then you need to be pro-active in setting the rules before hand.

And it depends on why you are yelling. If you are taking your frustrations out on him, then trying to find different outlets would be good.

 

[LongingSoul]

I am broken hearted. I have a habit of yelling at my child in front of her friends. He will be 13 soon. I am always broken hearted after I embarrass him like this. I need to stop this. Please pray for me. Please give me guidance on how I can stop this and how I can make it right and undo any damage (if at all), that I caused. I want to be a good parent with good memories for my child. I feel terrible.

Are you a single mother with no male authority figure to discipline your son? The ideal is for a father to teach the son to be a man and respect others especially women. Your approach is a form of emasculation and it will affect your son negatively so you have to find a better approach. You could specifically seek out help for dealing with your son as a single mother or have a counselling session specifically regarding your own self control problem. Please do seek out outside help.

 

[LilyM]

Are you a single mother with no male authority figure to discipline your son? The ideal is for a father to teach the son to be a man and respect others especially women. Your approach is a form of emasculation and it will affect your son negatively so you have to find a better approach. You could specifically seek out help for dealing with your son as a single mother or have a counselling session specifically regarding your own self control problem. Please do seek out outside help.

Emasculation? I hope you don’t mean that if the child was a female the yelling would be any more acceptable? Surely it is no part of the role of a father to teach his son that a public rebuke, even if well deserved, can be ignored simply because it is delivered by a woman?

The commandment says to honour both father and mother - equally, as they are fully equal in parental authority - and makes no distinctions and sets out no hierarchy as far as their role as parents. Likewise St Paul exhorts children to respect their parents equally. Any action a father may legitimately take in correcting his child, including a public dressing down if warranted, a mother may also take.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Emasculation? I hope you don’t mean that if the child was a female the yelling would be any more acceptable? Surely it is no part of the role of a father to teach his son that a public rebuke, even if well deserved, can be ignored simply because it is delivered by a woman?

The commandment says to honour both father and mother - equally, as they are fully equal in parental authority - and makes no distinctions and sets out no hierarchy as far as their role as parents. Likewise St Paul exhorts children to respect their parents equally. Any action a father may legitimately take in correcting his child, including a public dressing down if warranted, a mother may also take.

Don’t you know that an overbearing mother and lack of a strong male role model might make a boy… you know.

 

[LilyM]

Don’t you know that an overbearing mother and lack of a strong male role model might make a boy… you know.

No more so than having influential teachers at school or college who are gay or a peer group comprising of one or more gay males of his own age.

Kids spend just as much time outside the home as in and are equally likely to be influenced by peers as family. Hence the large percentage of children raised in good practicing Catholic homes who abandon practice of the faith once they move out. Including 4 out of the 5 children of my own excellent and devout parents.

And why must a mother be called overbearing simply because she yells at her son? I’ve never heard the same said of a father who yells at his son.

 

[LongingSoul]

Emasculation? I hope you don’t mean that if the child was a female the yelling would be any more acceptable? Surely it is no part of the role of a father to teach his son that a public rebuke, even if well deserved, can be ignored simply because it is delivered by a woman?

The commandment says to honour both father and mother - equally, as they are fully equal in parental authority - and makes no distinctions and sets out no hierarchy as far as their role as parents. Likewise St Paul exhorts children to respect their parents equally. Any action a father may legitimately take in correcting his child, including a public dressing down if warranted, a mother may also take.

We’ll have to wait for the OP to provide more details about what she says to her son in those moments and why, but my reading of her remorse indicated she was doing something that was coming more from her own emotions than from objective discipline.

Many parents fall into a mode of using sarcasm or trying to humiliate the kid in front of others as a sort of ‘payback’ rather than using a more objective educational loving discipline. Her wanting to address it speaks to her good heart and conscience.