Ideal family setup for yourself and the entire world

[Litcrit]

The thread about the unappreciative breadwinner husband of a SAHM in which many have expressed the idea that the breadwinner parent commonly lacks understanding for the stay-at-home parent made me wish for an ideal world in which every couple was able to easily find part-time jobs and split household chores and where both parents would get to spend a lot of time with their children, both alone and together.

I know many people here would disagree and embrace a different world, with strictly defined gender roles.

What would be your ideal world in which couples such as yourself and your spouse would happily live together and complement each other ideally?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I picked both have full time jobs. That’s not an ideal situation for every couple though, but it is what my fiance and I want, and its the way I was raised, and its how the most functional families I’ve ever known operate. But like I said, every couple and every family is different.

As far as daycare goes I would ideally like to find an in-home daycare run by an elderly couple. I don’t want to use a big daycare center. I also don’t want to eat out as much as
possible. Both my fiance and I are skilled cooks who know how to make lots of fast, yummy, and healthy meals. I wasn’t raised going out to eat a lot, and those functional families that I mentioned earlier don’t either.

 

[Hat4]

I prefer my wife or I raise our kids and not a random stranger so I voted one works and one stays home. My experience has been when one stays home the family is stronger, more cohesive and more likely to stay together. When we got into things we would get in trouble for when I was younger it was always at the empty house were the Mom worked. There is no way to replace the feelings of security and belonging that come with milk and cookies and someone who wants to hear about your day when you get home from school. It’s not always possible in the world today but it’s painfully obvious that’s what is best for children.

 

[kmuestwin]

I think one parent working and one parent raising children is a good way to do it.

I don’t think it is important to have the gender defined breadwinner role either.

I would also suggest that once the children get into school, it would be advantageous for the stay at home parent to get a part time job so that extra money can be saved and invested for the children and that parent won’t feel unsocialized.

 

[jmcrae]

I like option 4, and in my ideal world, both partners would be sharing the responsibility of providing for the family, and both would be able to spend a lot of time with the children, training them, playing with them, and sitting down to family meals every day with them.

 

[Cathhsmom]

I think one parent working and one parent raising children is a good way to do it.

I don’t think it is important to have the gender defined breadwinner role either.

I would also suggest that once the children get into school, it would be advantageous for the stay at home parent to get a part time job so that extra money can be saved and invested for the children and that parent won’t feel unsocialized.

As a homeschool mom, I find that last statement to be very funny! We are constantly having to answer the “socialization” question.

I didn’t answer the poll because I didn’t like any of the options. I believe it is best that one stay home. That doesn’t mean that they are the ONLY one to do housework or take care of the children. My husband does the yard, and when the kids were little dealt with the trash and occasional cooking. I have a regular Moms Night OUt with other homeschool moms, too. Just us moms with no kids in tow, except for babes in arms of course.

I really don’t think it matters who stays home except for the beginning. Since I nursed all of my kids, from my viewpoint, having the mom at home when they are infants is a better arrangement.

Oh, just for those without kids or with littles, the kids get older and can be really helpful with household duties if you take the time to train them how to do them.

 

[ShanaA1984]

I chose the something else option, because ideally when I marry I would like to stay home until my youngest is in school and then have a part-time job running a horse barn (preferably my own), while my husband (God willing I end up with one) either works from home or where ever.

 

[Cat]

Oh, my, y’all are so cute!

I picked “other, please explain,” because OUR ideal setup would be for us BOTH to stay home and raise our children, doing all kinds of exciting things with them. Of course, this means that we would have to be fabulously wealthy, but of course we wouldn’t have to WORK to be wealthy. The money would just grow on a big money tree out in the yard. I wouldn’t even pick it. I would hire a servant to go harvest the money for us and bring it in by the bushel.

Don’t laugh. Apparently our U.S. government gets all the money from a money tree, right?!

And I’m not kidding, folks. I know fortunate couples who live this way. They are wealthy either by inheritance, or by having the good fortune to have invented something that is useful and making a lot of money all around the world and providing them with a great income without any work from the inventor. These couples have it made! Their kids have it made! I wish my husband and I were them!

My husband and I are 55, and our children are out of the nest and living on their own with only minimal help from us (the occasional emergency loan for a car repair, etc.). I stayed home and raised our daughters until they were both in school. We were dirt poor, living from paycheck to paycheck, and in awful debt. We still haven’t recovered from those early years of marriage with only one paycheck.

Once our daughters were both in school, I started working at the hospital part time and eventually full-time. We used my money for the private school tuition and for the figure skating. We didn’t use it for mortage, insurance, car payments, gas, utilities, etc.

I would highly recommend that at least one parent stay home with the children while they are babies/toddlers.

And when both parents go back to work, don’t say, “So and so is “watching” our child.” No, they’re not. If all they did was “watch your child,” you would be furious. What you should say is, “So and so is raising our child.” That’s the hard truth, and unfortunately, it’s often unavoidable in today’s economy.

 

[EasterJoy]

There isn’t an ideal that works best for every family. There are just too many variables. It is also not impossible for spousal ingratitude to be mutual. In fact, I’d say that mutual ingratitude is more common than one-way ingratitude. It is certainly true in my experience that couples who express gratitude tend to do so mutually. Those who let it be known that they are fortunate to have the spouses they have and who express appreciation for what their spouses do are far more likely to have spouses that do the same.

As far as unappreciative spouses go, ingratitude doesn’t come from some particular division of labor. There is no way to divide labor that will prevent ingratitude or guarantee gratitude. Rather, gratitude comes from humility, from a willingness to have a realistic view of our own dependence on the love of others and the benefit that loving others gives to us. That’s not always catching, true, but resentment very frequently is, because the person whose reactions don’t go beyond our fallen nature becomes defensive when criticized and often goes on to feel contempt for the person who is critical of them. That can be a very vicious cycle, and a cycle that ruins marriages.

 

[Litcrit]

I picked both have full time jobs. That’s not an ideal situation for every couple though, but it is what my fiance and I want, and its the way I was raised, and its how the most functional families I’ve ever known operate. I wasn’t raised going out to eat a lot, and those functional families that I mentioned earlier don’t either.

This is exactly how I was raised too, as was my husband and the majority of people I know.

I prefer my wife or I raise our kids and not a random stranger so I voted one works and one stays home. There is no way to replace the feelings of security and belonging that come with milk and cookies and someone who wants to hear about your day when you get home from school.

I think one parent working and one parent raising children is a good way to do it.

I understand this and feel in a similar way, but personally prefer to see both parents raising children. Which is why I like best the idea of both parents also having part time jobs, at least after maternity leave (which ideally should last into toddlerhood).

I like option 4, and in my ideal world, both partners would be sharing the responsibility of providing for the family, and both would be able to spend a lot of time with the children, training them, playing with them, and sitting down to family meals every day with them.

I like that too!

I really don’t think it matters who stays home except for the beginning. Since I nursed all of my kids, from my viewpoint, having the mom at home when they are infants is a better arrangement.

I see your point. In my ideal world, all working mothers get long maternity leaves!

I chose the something else option, because ideally when I marry I would like to stay home until my youngest is in school and then have a part-time job running a horse barn (preferably my own), while my husband (God willing I end up with one) either works from home or where ever.

That sounds idyllic

 

[EasterJoy]

…I know fortunate couples who live this way. They are wealthy either by inheritance, or by having the good fortune to have invented something that is useful and making a lot of money all around the world and providing them with a great income without any work from the inventor. These couples have it made! Their kids have it made! I wish my husband and I were them!..

Well, yes, is some cases yes, but very often no, their kids don’t have it made. What would those children know how to do, except to be rich and live off of the labor of others? What kind of a preparation is that for living the vocation God may have in mind for the child? Parents who do not have to work to eat or keep a roof over their heads are fortunate, yes, but they still need to find useful ways to occupy themselves in order to teach their children the value and dignity of work.

Do not get me wrong! It would be wonderful to be able to occupy yourself with work that could involve your children, and certainly it is less stressful to not have to wonder if you can support yourself. I am just saying that there are parenting pitfalls that the wealthy have to take care to avoid, lest they raise their children to be self-important parasites with a misplaced sense of entitlement, or grasping people who fear the loss of wealth too much to take career paths (or marriage choices) that might lower their “standard of living”. That is not a good way to raise a child.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I think this is a silly thread assuming our personal view would be appropriate for the whole world.
I think it’s silly to assume there’s a single answer over time. I’ve known families who have been through all the options over the period of raising their family… different solutions for different times.

 

[Litcrit]

Oh, my, y’all are so cute!

I picked “other, please explain,” because OUR ideal setup would be for us BOTH to stay home and raise our children, doing all kinds of exciting things with them. Of course, this means that we would have to be fabulously wealthy, but of course we wouldn’t have to WORK to be wealthy. The money would just grow on a big money tree out in the yard. I wouldn’t even pick it. I would hire a servant to go harvest the money for us and bring it in by the bushel.

I wish I could add the “Both parents having fun with kids thanks to the money tree in the yard” option to the poll.

As far as unappreciative spouses go, ingratitude doesn’t come from some particular division of labor.

I understand and agree. I used “appreciate” more in the sense of “understand, be able to relate to, have an awareness of.” I suppose my idea is that if both spouses have at least some idea what the paid workforce, housework and household chores entail, they can understand their spouse’s day and contribution to the family better.

 

[Litcrit]

I think this is a silly thread assuming our personal view would be appropriate for the whole world.
I think it’s silly to assume there’s a single answer over time. I’ve known families who have been through all the options over the period of raising their family… different solutions for different times.

Well, it’s meant to be kind of silly! What’s the ideal, fairy-tale world you’d like to live in?

 

[ShanaA1984]

Well, it’s meant to be kind of silly! What’s the ideal, fairy-tale world you’d like to live in?

Well if this is a fairy-tale world then I would also like a unicorn and to marry a prince.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

My husband stays home and I work right now. (He was recently laid off). We don’t have kids yet, but when we do we will just decide who has the better pay/benefits and the one with the lesser pay/benefits will stay home.

My husband is the better cook anyway…so it is nice to have him home. We’re in this together so who stays home and who works will just be dependent on circumstances.

 

[Nelka]

I voted for more than one as it comes down to how much you earn.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Oh, my, y’all are so cute!

I picked “other, please explain,” because OUR ideal setup would be for us BOTH to stay home and raise our children, doing all kinds of exciting things with them. Of course, this means that we would have to be fabulously wealthy, but of course we wouldn’t have to WORK to be wealthy. The money would just grow on a big money tree out in the yard. I wouldn’t even pick it. I would hire a servant to go harvest the money for us and bring it in by the bushel.

Don’t laugh. Apparently our U.S. government gets all the money from a money tree, right?!

**And I’m not kidding, folks. I know fortunate couples who live this way. They are wealthy either by inheritance, or by having the good fortune to have invented something that is useful and making a lot of money all around the world and providing them with a great income without any work from the inventor. These couples have it made! Their kids have it made! I wish my husband and I were them!
**
My husband and I are 55, and our children are out of the nest and living on their own with only minimal help from us (the occasional emergency loan for a car repair, etc.). I stayed home and raised our daughters until they were both in school. We were dirt poor, living from paycheck to paycheck, and in awful debt. We still haven’t recovered from those early years of marriage with only one paycheck.

Once our daughters were both in school, I started working at the hospital part time and eventually full-time. We used my money for the private school tuition and for the figure skating. We didn’t use it for mortage, insurance, car payments, gas, utilities, etc.

I would highly recommend that at least one parent stay home with the children while they are babies/toddlers.

And when both parents go back to work, don’t say, “So and so is “watching” our child.” No, they’re not. If all they did was “watch your child,” you would be furious. What you should say is, “So and so is raising our child.” That’s the hard truth, and unfortunately, it’s often unavoidable in today’s economy.

Eh, trust-fund babies don’t value hard work and the money runs through their hands like water. You know the old saw, “From shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in 3 generations.” The first generation earns their way out of poverty through hard work, the next generation squanders the money, and the 3rd generation is back to poverty and hard work.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

As a homeschool mom, I find that last statement to be very funny! We are constantly having to answer the “socialization” question.

I didn’t answer the poll because I didn’t like any of the options. I believe it is best that one stay home. That doesn’t mean that they are the ONLY one to do housework or take care of the children. My husband does the yard, and when the kids were little dealt with the trash and occasional cooking. ** I have a regular Moms Night OUt with other homeschool moms**, too. Just us moms with no kids in tow, except for babes in arms of course.

Do the kids get socialization too?

 

[mini_me640]

I didn’t vote because I don’t think there is a single ideal set up. Every family is drastically different. Right now, my husband works full time and I work part time. The kids are cared for by either grandparents or my husband during the few hours I work. We divide the household chores. It is a good set up for us and I am grateful that we are able to work it out this way. However, it might not be ideal for everyone. Some might be happier with one parent always home, or some other arrangement. I tend to think of family businesses as a good arrangement where everyone is working from home and together, but some families might drive each other insane doing that. I really don’t feel there is a single ideal arrangement.

I take issue with the option for both working full time: "Both would have full time jobs and use daycare for the children and eat out as much as possible " because it feels like it assumes that when both parents work full time, it is so they can dump their kids off and spend money frivolously on dinners out. The reality is, many dual income families are just doing it to get by… I’m not sure that’s how you intended it, but that’s how it read to me.