Ideas on how to avoid thoughts of motherhood?

[LouiseHine]

Hi,

It’s been a while since I’ve been here; I’ve been struggling recently with the idea of becoming a mother - I’m around “that age” where my biological clock is ticking and if I don’t start thinking about becoming a mother soon, it’ll never happen. Not sure this is something I’d be good at, but currently I am very single, have been for years, and don’t seem to have much hope to change this. Not that I’m sure I actually want to, or if this is hormones encouraging it.

My question is - has anyone else managed to put thoughts like this to the back of their mind and focus on career etc. because they know there’s no chance of them meeting anyone/getting married having kids? Any advice on how to not think about something like this and dwell on it?

 

[Della]

Although I can understand the yearning to have children, I do think you’re simply realizing that this part of life, which most people have, isn’t going to be yours. It’s a diminishing experience–one that everyone goes through as we age but not all for the same reasons. Is it really that you want to have a child and rear him or that you know that time is running out? And are you so sure a spouse is entirely out of the question for you? Have you tried getting to know people? Or done anything about finding a husband? (Please don’t feel you need to reply here, it’s just for you to consider.) If not, maybe you’re not really wanting family life, but again are simply understanding that that life isn’t yours to live. Only you can decide if you truly want family life or if what you are and what you have is what is right for you. A talk with a good counselor might help you sort through all these things.

 

[EasterJoy]

There is a degree to which this is the first of many such realizations you’ll go through in your life, not to mention the realization of things that you realize really never are going to happen for you or are never going to happen again. Ron Rohlheiser wrote a piece on the need to mourn those dreams that are past realizing in the understanding that every one of us has a dream we need to mourn:
ronrolheiser.com/mourning-our-virginity/#.V5YpS7gkrIU

That is not where you are with regards to childbearing, but every one of us has dreams that are past. Coming to terms with the things that have passed you by (which we all have) is part of coping with those things which may pass us by or may not, the losses we fear but that are not losses we have yet suffered and which may be losses we never will suffer.

My suggestion is that you consider whether or not you are willing to look for that essential part of becoming a mother, which is a man you want to be the father of your children and your spouse for life. This is the man you want to love and be loved by, the one you want to become a saint with, whether or not you two are blessed with children. If you do not want to marry when there is no guarantee you and your spouse will become parents (and no couple gets that guarantee until they actually do become parents), then it is probably time to let go of the ideal of concrete motherhood in favor of other outlets for the gifts you have that would make you a wonderful mom. By that, I mean being the friend that people want to leave their children with for a long weekend, the de facto aunt or grandmother that so many parents would practically kill to find, or working with children who don’t get enough attention, such as being a Big Sister, and so on. (There is more than one way to be someone a child will adore.)

Re-visit all of your dreams, the ones you’ve discarded, the ones you’ve put off. Ask yourself how to serve God in those things now, today. Part of that, however, may be grieving those many things you dreamed but will not do in this life. That’s OK. Part of it may be considering which of the “long shot” dreams you’re going to work to give some chances of happening, and how you’re going to do that. There will be trade-offs to be made. Go into prayer, but make those choices, rather than letting inertia and chance make them for you. You’ll have less to grieve and less to regret later, if you do, and your grieving will be easier if you know you did what you could.

 

[Padres1969]

Hi,

It’s been a while since I’ve been here; I’ve been struggling recently with the idea of becoming a mother - I’m around “that age” where my biological clock is ticking and if I don’t start thinking about becoming a mother soon, it’ll never happen. Not sure this is something I’d be good at, but currently I am very single, have been for years, and don’t seem to have much hope to change this. Not that I’m sure I actually want to, or if this is hormones encouraging it.

My question is - has anyone else managed to put thoughts like this to the back of their mind and focus on career etc. because they know there’s no chance of them meeting anyone/getting married having kids? Any advice on how to not think about something like this and dwell on it?

Don’t know if it’ll help your feelings, but my wife’s cousin was having similar feelings about having a third kid as her two boys are both school aged now and she’s been feeling lonely puttering around the house alone. That was until she babysat my 8 week old for a full work day last week. Her one takeaway from the experience with my kid, whom she admitted is a very well behaved infant, is that she’s never having another kid.

I can only conclude that for people that might be on the edge about having kids such as yourself, simply experiencing the “joy” of them for a day will sometimes be all the dissuasion you need. But don’t take my word for it, offer to babysit for a friend or relative and see for yourself

 

[EasterJoy]

Don’t know if it’ll help your feelings, but my wife’s cousin was having similar feelings about having a third kid as her two boys are both school aged now and she’s been feeling lonely puttering around the house alone. That was until she babysat my 8 week old for a full work day last week. Her one takeaway from the experience with my kid, whom she admitted is a very well behaved infant, is that she’s never having another kid.

I can only conclude that for people that might be on the edge about having kids such as yourself, simply experiencing the “joy” of them for a day will sometimes be all the dissuasion you need. But don’t take my word for it, offer to babysit for a friend or relative and see for yourself

Having been over thirty and facing the prospect that I might never have children–and I was already married at the time–I can attest that this is not what the OP is getting at. I have also been through the realization that the one pregnancy I had is the only one I will ever have. The two prospects–that is, facing never having children at all and never having another–are two quite different prospects. Neither one is just a matter of reminding yourself that you don’t have the energy for a newborn.

The OP is facing a third prospect yet, which is the question of whether she will ever marry and whether she is OK with never marrying or with marrying after she or her husband are past the age where parenthood is likely. She is grappling with whether she wants to be a wife, not just whether or not she has the resources to see a newborn from conception through college.

Those are big questions. Finding a way to not have to think about it is probably not the best way to handle them. There are things in life we cannot control, but which dreams we try to bring into reality and which ones we don’t are not among them. The OP has rightly sensed that she needs to visit the questions in her life head-on. Although I agree with you that exploring these questions in real-life settings is essential, I wouldn’t encourage her to think that merely reminding herself how difficult parenthood is will be all that she needs to do to settle this question.

You are right about this, too: Finding a way to think about these issues ought to have the goal of finding a way to avoid dwelling on them in a way that helps no one. The idea is to choose how to think about these things. If that is proving impossible, then I’d suggest getting a professional to help that along, but not before examining the question alone first. The professional can do more with someone who has done *some *of the work of self-examination before turning to someone else for help with the really stubborn knots.

 

[LouiseHine]

Thank you, everyone, for your replies - there are some things within them that have really helped, and which I will take into serious consideration.

God Bless!

 

[Xantippe]

Dorothy Cummings McLean says that while it is possible to be too old to be a mother, a woman is never too old to get married.