Ideas to (nicely) kick someone out of house?

[Lovemyfaith]

My best friend’s mother in law (MIL) has been staying with her for the past six weeks. My friend and her husband have a nice size home with a bathroom on the first level. The MIL had lived with her unmarried daughter (it’s MIL’s very cluttered house) before she broke her ankle. The cast is now off, but there is no sign of the MIL leaving.
My girlfriend has been really struggling with having her MIL there. The MIL is nice enough, but is a know it all, and has a habit of answering the phone (though she has her own cell) which my best friend does not want her to do. Their house is completely upside down, with the former office as the MIL’s bedroom and the office furniture in the former living room. There is also a much bigger problem because my friend has been seeing a fertility specialist, and did not want to let her MIL know because that would be more pressure (her MIL is dying for grandchildren). With the MILanswering the phone, there have been a few near misses. I think my friend would just like her home back to normal.
Her husband will not confront his mother because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. I know this is so hard for my friend, but I don’t know what to tell her.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Without her husband’s cooperation, it’s going to be rough. And don’t you know her unmarried SIL is enjoying the peace and quiet of living alone at Mom’s Place!!! Odds are good Mom does not want to move back to her place, either. These are all good reasons your friend will need to be have a “velvet glove casing an iron fist” in the matter.

Your friend needs to take her husband out to supper, without Mom, preferably without even letting Mom know they are going out, preparing what she is going to say beforehand (preferably someplace her husband really likes to eat. If it were my husband, it’d be a chop house), along these lines:

1.) I love you,
2.) I want to have children with you.
3.) Your mother is a lovely woman, but she is now well.
4.) It is interferring with our ability to have children, as well as our ability to have marriage rights and privacy.
5.) Our house was not made to take all this displacement. The clutter with your mother living there bothers me.
6.) Your mother has her own house.
7.) We are taking her to her own house, then we will pack her up and take her what she’s brought into our house.
8.) If you don’t help me with this and stand up to your mother, we need some counseling.

The odds are very good the husband will use his wife as the “hit lady” to take out Mom. His cooperation will be apologetic- but the odds are also good he will pack her up.

The next step after the supper meeting is for both of them to be in the same room with the mother. The wife will probably have to do the talking, but the husband has to be there. He is not allowed to take Mom’s side. It goes like this:

1.) We’ve enjoyed having you here and helping you out.
2.) Your ankle is now fine.
3.) It is time to go home.
4.) We’ll help you pack up. No need to take the time to do it. Grab your purse and basic essentials.
5.) Yes, today- we’ll drive you over right now (or whatever it takes to get her back to her own place).

An offer to help Mom clean and organize her clutter might be needed. It should be at your friend’s convenience. And her husband HAS to assist, not go to Mom’s, sit on the couch, and watch TV.

Your friend has to be firm in her resolve. She cannot accept any excuses. It’s a “thanks for being here, now you’re going home” kind of thing.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Without her husband’s cooperation, it’s going to be rough. And don’t you know her unmarried SIL is enjoying the peace and quiet of living alone at Mom’s Place!!! Odds are good Mom does not want to move back to her place, either. These are all good reasons your friend will need to be have a “velvet glove casing an iron fist” in the matter.

Your friend needs to take her husband out to supper, without Mom, preferably without even letting Mom know they are going out, preparing what she is going to say beforehand (preferably someplace her husband really likes to eat. If it were my husband, it’d be a chop house), along these lines:

1.) I love you,
2.) I want to have children with you.
3.) Your mother is a lovely woman, but she is now well.
4.) It is interferring with our ability to have children, as well as our ability to have marriage rights and privacy.
5.) Our house was not made to take all this displacement. The clutter with your mother living there bothers me.
6.) Your mother has her own house.
7.) We are taking her to her own house, then we will pack her up and take her what she’s brought into our house.
8.) If you don’t help me with this and stand up to your mother, we need some counseling.

The odds are very good the husband will use his wife as the “hit lady” to take out Mom. His cooperation will be apologetic- but the odds are also good he will pack her up.

The next step after the supper meeting is for both of them to be in the same room with the mother. The wife will probably have to do the talking, but the husband has to be there. He is not allowed to take Mom’s side. It goes like this:

1.) We’ve enjoyed having you here and helping you out.
2.) Your ankle is now fine.
3.) It is time to go home.
4.) We’ll help you pack up. No need to take the time to do it. Grab your purse and basic essentials.
5.) Yes, today- we’ll drive you over right now (or whatever it takes to get her back to her own place).

An offer to help Mom clean and organize her clutter might be needed. It should be at your friend’s convenience. And her husband HAS to assist, not go to Mom’s, sit on the couch, and watch TV.

Your friend has to be firm in her resolve. She cannot accept any excuses. It’s a “thanks for being here, now you’re going home” kind of thing.

You 100% hit the nail on all points. My husband and I are cracking up reading this. It seems so logical and yet I just don’t think she can pull it off.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

You 100% hit the nail on all points. My husband and I are cracking up reading this. It seems so logical and yet I just don’t think she can pull it off.

It takes guts and determination to do it. She really, really has to want to do it, and hang the consequences of Mom’s hurt feelings, hubby’s apron strings, and SIL’s 24/7 whatever at Mom’s house. She might not have those yet, and it does not help that her hubby doesn’t want to hurt Mom’s feelings.

And as an added incentive- I am not young, and have adult children, so I am going to assume Mom is late 50s, early 60s. I have broken my ankle. It did not require that I stay on one floor, cast or not. It required me to use crutches (big pain), but not stay on one floor. It didn’t excuse me from work for more than a couple of days, and I drove myself to work.

 

[CarrieH]

Maybe she should tell MIL about her fertility issues (no need for details), and then say that having MIL at the house puts a damper on their “activities.” If MIL wants grandkids, MIL needs to go home so her son can devote more time to baby-making!

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

I’d start everything with, "You’re a guest! You don’t need to answer the phone!"
Play loud music. (Rock on sister!)
Burn dinner. Every night.
I’d put my furniture back where goes.
"Now your cast is off, we can get back to normal! Isn’t that great?! You’ll be able to get back to your usual routine, my dh can have his office back."
"Now the living room can seat company again, I think I’ll have that dinner party I put off a few week ago."
"Oh it’s been real nice having you around around, but won’t it be wonderful to get back to our normal lives?"

---

**There is something to be learned from the passive-aggressive. **

 

[danimay]

I’d start everything with, "You’re a guest! You don’t need to answer the phone!"
Play loud music. (Rock on sister!)
Burn dinner. Every night.
I’d put my furniture back where goes.
"Now your cast is off, we can get back to normal! Isn’t that great?! You’ll be able to get back to your usual routine, my dh can have his office back."
"Now the living room can seat company again, I think I’ll have that dinner party I put off a few week ago."
"Oh it’s been real nice having you around around, but won’t it be wonderful to get back to our normal lives?"

---

**There is something to be learned from the passive-aggressive. **

I think I would definately try this approach, before the more direct one. The “get your purse, you’re going home” would certainly get the job done, but would also cause a lot of embarrassment and hurt feelings for the MIL. Call me a weisel, but I’d rather make her WANT to leave than kick her out. O course, if she doesn’t respond to this method, there will come a point where a confrontation can’t be avoided…

 

[thechrismyster]

“you’ve overstayed your welcome, its time for you to leave”

that should do it. the fastest way around is thru.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Your friend’s problem is not her mother-in-law, her problem is her marriage and it is really a serious one.

Even if the mother-in-law leaves tomorrow, your friend is still facing life married to a man that will choose his mother’s feelings over the feelings of his wife, even when his wife is being reasonable and his mother is being unreasonable. This is going to effect future holidays, birthdays, events, child-rearing, conflicts…etc…etc…etc…

Please urge her to speak to a Priest, Deacon or Catholic counselor about this. This is a critical issue in a marriage and better to try and fix it now before years of bad feelings and resentment. Hope this helps.

It would seem like this is true, but really they have been together 21 years. He keeps insisting he doesn’t know how it bothers her to have MIL there, since they both work. My friend has a hard time just telling him it bothers her to just have her MIL with them all the time. I think his attitude is mostly he thinks the MIL will leave when she can and she just can’t. I think it would be hard for any son to tell his mom he thinks she should go when the mom says she can’t.
I am a little worried you might be more right than I hope.

 

[Joe_Kelley]

I don’t know what I would do without you. I’d like to find out.

 

[julescat]

why not let wild dogs into the house? That worked on me. Mee-ouch!

 

[whatevergirl]

It’s interesting…in other cultures, it is commonplace for mother and father in laws to live with their kids…in our country, it’s so different. That’s always intrigued me. My parents passed away when I was a child…and my husband’s mom lives in PA, so probably won’t ever be an issue for us to deal with. Is she living with your best friend because she is not self sufficient…what is the reason behind the live in situation?

 

[Lovemyfaith]

It’s interesting…in other cultures, it is commonplace for mother and father in laws to live with their kids…in our country, it’s so different. That’s always intrigued me. My parents passed away when I was a child…and my husband’s mom lives in PA, so probably won’t ever be an issue for us to deal with. Is she living with your best friend because she is not self sufficient…what is the reason behind the live in situation?

Right, that is true. Even in this culture I have a lot of friends who have family members (not immediate) living with them. The difference here is that is wasn’t that set up from the begining. The mother in law broke her ankle and did not have a bathroom on her first floor. Everyone thought it easier for her to be on one floor with a large cast on her leg. Now the cast is off, and there is no change in residence. The mother in law has a home, where her unmarried (somewhat difficult) daughter lives.
I think the combination of the mother in law not being forthright about her future and the disturbance of the home (what a mess!) is starting to get to my friend.
I think it doesn’t help that her husband was given notice that he is being laid off soon.
My brother in law always says fish and company go bad after three days.

 

[whatevergirl]

Right, that is true. Even in this culture I have a lot of friends who have family members (not immediate) living with them. The difference here is that is wasn’t that set up from the begining. The mother in law broke her ankle and did not have a bathroom on her first floor. Everyone thought it easier for her to be on one floor with a large cast on her leg. Now the cast is off, and there is no change in residence. The mother in law has a home, where her unmarried (somewhat difficult) daughter lives.
I think the combination of the mother in law not being forthright about her future and the disturbance of the home (what a mess!) is starting to get to my friend.
I think it doesn’t help that her husband was given notice that he is being laid off soon.
My brother in law always says fish and company go bad after three days.

LOL–That’s a funny saying. Well, she is more than company…I guess I look at it from a different point of view, not having my parents with me anymore…and for nearly 30 years, now. But, I know your feelings…your friend has a right to her own domain…and I think if my mother in law lived with us for a time, it might get stressful, indeed. I hope things work out for her.

 

[ChristineML]

What if your friend just asked two questions, perfectly innocently:

(1) How are you feeling today?
If the answer is negative, still in a lot of pain even though the cast is off, maybe she can be patient a while longer. Then at least she’d know why her MIL is hanging around. But if the answer is positive, feeling much better now, then your friend can continue with…

(2) Oh, will you be leaving us then? Just wondering what your plans are.

Perfectly innocent questions, right? Even better if posed to her MIL while sitting or standing in their living room, full to bursting with home office furniture.

 

[Sr_Sally]

I can see both side. If the couple have been married 21 years, they can be in their early 40s (making MIL maybe 60) or in their early 50s (making MIL 70ish). My mother is 75 and it is very difficult for her to be on her own. Depending on how active/health MIL was before the broken ankle, she could be recovering well or very slowly.

Certainly, the friend can have opinions about MIL living there, but I do think she should seriously consider where it is best for MIL to live–from MIL’s point of view.

The dinner date with hubby is a great idea, but the conversation may need to range farther afield. Does hubby really want his mom living there? Perhaps he feels she is more handicapped than friend does? Perhaps he knows that sis and MIL need a break from each other?

It is not the end of the world to have extended family living with you. The couple does need to come to an agreement, and the wife’s views do need to be considered fully, but they may decide that having MIL there is not a bad option. In which case the office furniture needs to be moved out of the living room and everything put on a more permenant footing (including sis and where she is going to live).

As for the couple having infertility issues, the Drs, and the phones. Perhaps the best solution is just to set the phone to go straight to voice mail, or give the Drs their own cell numbers instead of the house line.

I also wonder about a woman who has been married 21 years not being willing to talk to her MIL about something like that, even just to say, I’m having some treatments and Drs will be calling so please don’t answer the house phone.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

I also wonder about a woman who has been married 21 years not being willing to talk to her MIL about something like that, even just to say, I’m having some treatments and Drs will be calling so please don’t answer the house phone.

Together 21 years, married only 9. They were high school sweethearts, and both are in late 30’s. MIL, I think, is mid to late 60’s. The part about not being able to talk to MIL is really, believe it or not, true. It has just never been that type of relationship. I would say it has to do with the fact they are different religions, but I am not sure that is it. My best friend is really great, sweet, generous, everything you would want in a BF, but has a very German no nonsense view of the world whereas MIL might be a little more liberal minded- just different personalities. Things haven’t changed so far. BF is doing her best, preparing for at least 15 people at Thanksgiving with the house as is.
BF is now threatening to move to Hawaii so this never happens again. I think she is joking.

 

[Sr_Sally]

The mother in law has a home, where her unmarried (somewhat difficult) daughter lives.

The somewhat difficult daughter then has a very important role to play. MIL may really appreciate being in a calmer house and not having to deal with difficult daughter.

I think the combination of the mother in law not being forthright about her future and the disturbance of the home (what a mess!) is starting to get to my friend.

Of course, all that is likely to get on anyone’s nerves. Your friend can certainly take control of her own furnishings. And she can talk to her MIL–not every conversation has to go through the husband. Even if it is just to say, I have company coming so for now we need to move this desk back into the room you are in.

I think it doesn’t help that her husband was given notice that he is being laid off soon.

This is a HUGE other issue. On top of fertility issues. Much bigger potentially than MIL staying a little longer than expected. This is also a reason to move MIL back to her own house. “Bob will be job hunting and really needs a quiet office where he can take calls or do contract work if necessary.” Persumming ‘Bob’ is in the line of work where that is a likely excuse.

My brother in law always says fish and company go bad after three days.

I beleive that was Ben Franklin, but it is still a good quote!

 

[Lovemyfaith]

I beleive that was Ben Franklin, but it is still a good quote!

Right, I guess from Poor Richard’s Almanac. We are all from Philadelphia so we wouldn’t take credit. The funny part is my brother in law started using the quote a few years ago when my mother was staying at his house for a few weeks.