Ideas to spiritually engage depressed husband/father?

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Cathmomof6

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My husband is depressed a lot lately and it is affecting me and the kids. He is either grouchy or zoned out in front of the television. I have tried to get him to see a doctor but he refuses. He is not a talker, and he is very anti-medicine. He has high blood pressure and high cholesterol too but insists on treating it with diet and exercise rather than medicine, which he doesn’t do anyways. He is perpetually “starting tomorrow”!!

He is a cradle catholic and goes to church on Sundays and says a Hail Mary and Our Father at bedtime but that is it. He knows very little about our faith. I really think that if he worked on his spiritual side, he would be happier. I am literally forcing him to go to confession tonight as he does not see the point. He admits he doesn’t know anything about his faith but at the same time seems to think he cannot read anything that might help him. So I was thinking maybe audio books geared toward Catholic husbands/fathers. Anyone know of anything? Maybe even something like the cathechism on CD? He has an hour drive to and from work each day. I bought him a rosary and rosary cd to recite on his way to work, but I don’t think he ever uses it. He has a very low self esteem and says that his mind just wanders. He has difficulty concentrating. Yet he is a partner at a CPA firm. He tends to discredit any of his accomplishments!
 
If he’s suffering from clinical depression, all the spirituality in the world isn’t going to fix it completely. Had he discussed this with his doctor? If he is in poor physical health he may not be feeling well which would certainly impact his mood.

I would be more concerned about his untreated medical conditions. If he isn’t feeling well he may not be too open to the idea of having spirituality heaped on him.
 
PhiloMed said:
If he’s suffering from clinical depression, all the spirituality in the world isn’t going to fix it completely. Had he discussed this with his doctor? If he is in poor physical health he may not be feeling well which would certainly impact his mood.

I would be more concerned about his untreated medical conditions. If he isn’t feeling well he may not be too open to the idea of having spirituality heaped on him.
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Agree. Depression needs to be treated professionally.
 
Hi Cathmomof6,

I understand your concern, and your wanting to help him with his spiritual life in the hope that it will help him.

We can’t make a depressed person do anything. They have to be the one to get help for themselves, whether it is going for counseling, or going to the doctor in general, for a check-up.

I come from a family where people struggled with depression.

I know that this is breaking your heart to see him be like this, and I understand that his moods are affecting you and your children, too.

Keep praying for him.

On the positive side, he still says his prayers and he still goes to church every week.

Sometimes when someone is really depressed, it takes a great deal of effort to even do something that others find easy enough to do.

Don’t be afraid to get emotional support for yourself if you feel you need it, like talking to your pastor or talking to a counselor if you feel like you need help, especially as you feel that his moods are affecting you and your children.

There are also on-line articles that you can read too, about living with someone who is depressed.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
 
PhiloMed said:
If he’s suffering from clinical depression, all the spirituality in the world isn’t going to fix it completely. Had he discussed this with his doctor? If he is in poor physical health he may not be feeling well which would certainly impact his mood.

I would be more concerned about his untreated medical conditions. If he isn’t feeling well he may not be too open to the idea of having spirituality heaped on him.
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I don’t think he is clinically depressed necessarily. He just has a really, really poor self esteem and, without a strong faith, he has no direction in life. He is never good enough - always a failure in his eyes - a pessimist!! He was poorly catechized. No one in his family practices their faith - although they all call themselves Catholic. He is a very successful man with a six figure income supporting our family of soon-to-be 9. I know that alone stresses him out. He is almost humble to a fault.
 
Cathmomof6 said:
I don’t think he is clinically depressed necessarily. He just has a really, really poor self esteem and, without a strong faith, he has no direction in life. He is never good enough - always a failure in his eyes - a pessimist!! He was poorly catechized. No one in his family practices their faith - although they all call themselves Catholic. He is a very successful man with a six figure income supporting our family of soon-to-be 9. I know that alone stresses him out. He is almost humble to a fault.
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This I can relate to. My husband always says he just wishes he could be good at something. He wants to be passionate about something. I’ve worked hard to convince him that the “something” doesn’t have to be his job. It’s ok for a job to just be a job. More and more I see him realizing his family is the most important thing in his life and his job is just a means to a paycheck. He always gets good evaluations at his job, but still doesn’t consider himself “good”.

Have you tried just discussing faith with him? I found that this really made my husband’s faith blossom. We also started listening to the Catholic Channel on Sirius/XM together. He will also watch some religious programming with me- like Fr. Baron’s series. He isn’t much of a reader so giving him a book would have gone nowhere.
 
PhiloMed said:
This I can relate to. My husband always says he just wishes he could be good at something. He wants to be passionate about something. I’ve worked hard to convince him that the “something” doesn’t have to be his job. It’s ok for a job to just be a job. More and more I see him realizing his family is the most important thing in his life and his job is just a means to a paycheck. He always gets good evaluations at his job, but still doesn’t consider himself “good”.

Have you tried just discussing faith with him? I found that this really made my husband’s faith blossom. We also started listening to the Catholic Channel on Sirius/XM together. He will also watch some religious programming with me- like Fr. Baron’s series. He isn’t much of a reader so giving him a book would have gone nowhere.
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Exactly!! My husband too always says he wishes he was “good” at something. This bothers him a lot. He does listen to Catholic Channel at times. I try to “plant little seeds” but don’t want to seem to know-it-all or preachy either. And I myself don’t feel entirely confident in my knowledge to talk to others about faith issues. I am not familiar with the Fr. Baron series - when is that on? He doesn’t seem to think he can focus his attention when reading so books won’t work but he does have that long drive that I think he could listen to something.
 
Cathmomof6 said:

“My husband is depressed a lot lately and it is affecting me and the kids. He is either grouchy or zoned out in front of the television. I have tried to get him to see a doctor but he refuses. He is not a talker, and he is very anti-medicine. He has high blood pressure and high cholesterol too but insists on treating it with diet and exercise rather than medicine, which he doesn’t do anyways. He is perpetually “starting tomorrow”!!”

Is your husband well enough insured, considering the size of your family? If you have any concerns about your level of coverage, I think a visit from a life insurance salesperson might be a very good idea. When we were expecting our last baby, we increased the size of our insurance, and it was a good opportunity for discussing my husband’s health and family history. If your husband found himself getting a bad rate quote because of his health issues, that might be the wake-up call he needs. Unfortunately, it’s often the case for people like your husband that they don’t seriously change until the grim reaper is calling for them–they need a heart attack, a stroke, or a diabetes diagnosis before they get serious. That’s the bad news. The good news is that a lot of people do manage to turn over a new leaf even in their 50s or 60s. My dad, for instance, is so much more health conscious than he was as a younger man and convenience store pies and pints of whole chocolate milk were his go-to food.
 
Cathmomof6 said:
I don’t think he is clinically depressed necessarily. He just has a really, really poor self esteem and, without a strong faith, he has no direction in life. He is never good enough - always a failure in his eyes - a pessimist!! He was poorly catechized. No one in his family practices their faith - although they all call themselves Catholic. He is a very successful man with a six figure income supporting our family of soon-to-be 9. I know that alone stresses him out. He is almost humble to a fault.
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From what you say here, it is a classic sign of clinical depression. I am not an expert, but when I had a major depressive episode, this was a major issue for me, I saw myself as always doing something wrong, though I was an excellent student and conscientious of other people, to the point where it was negatively impacting my own well-being. Difficulty concentrating is also a sign of depression, but you did not say if this is a new issue or if he has always had this issue, so it might not even be related to possible depression.

But like others have said, you can’t force a person to get help, if he is suffering from depression. Prayer and encouragement are probably the only things you can give him. Have you ever asked why he feels like he is never good enough?
 
Fr. Baron does the Catholicism series that can be found on EWTN, or purchased as a DVD set. I think it’s a 12 DVD set.

Sometimes a talk about faith only has to be about one’s relationship with God. It doesn’t have to be catechism.
 
I have a couple of suggestions for what that is worth. First, about your husband’s health. You might tell him that you are concerned that he is just not is usual self. Ask him if he would please see a doctor as a gift to you, this could be for your birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s Day or whatever the next gift giving occasion is in your home. Express to him that finding out that he is all right (or not so that you can help him with it), would give you peace of mind, the best gift of all.

Watching Fr. Barron’s DVD’s would be a good way for your husband to increase his knowledge of the faith. It would not be good to suggest to your husband that he is ignorant especially since he goes to Mass each week and prays daily, which we all must admit is more than many Catholics do. If your oldest child is 12, you might get these DVD’s, and suggest to your husband that you and he watch them together with the oldest kids. The ones who are too young won’t be interested anyway. You can tell your husband that you are concerned that your kids understand the faith as they get into middle school, high school or whatever. Praise your husband for the good example he sets for the kids, since studies say that the example of the father is a very important factor in religious behavior of the children as adults. Suggest that you two and the older kids watch these DVD’s together so that you both can answer their questions. If they ask questions that you can’t answer, just tell them that you will find out for them. You can find the answers to all of your faith questions right here at CA! Pro football will be over soon, so you will have a few Sunday afternoons free. To me this might be a way to increase your entire family’s knowledge of the faith while building up your husband’s stature before the kids. This a is win-win for everyone!
 
My parish has “spiritual renewals” from time to time, with visiting priests, that are something like a month long series. I have never been to one, due to my poor transportation options, so I can’t give a first hand account. Does you parish do anything like that and do you think it will help? Also, how about small faith groups?

I don’t mean to sound like a fundamentalist, but it sounds like he needs a more personal relationship with God. When someone really gets how much God loves them, that he was created by God, and that Jesus is his “personal savior”, meaning He did all that for him, it is hard to feel no good. No one feels 100 percent all the time, of course. But to say you are no good is indicative of a personal distance with God. I would focus on attempting discussions about God and how special he made each creation and then relate it to him. He might not pick up on it right away, but it could be a blessing for him that you can provide. My opinion would be to not focus on anything especially Catholic, since he seems from your description to be going through the motions of being Catholic. Perhaps read scripture together from your bible and try to focus on God’s love for each and every one of us, no matter what.

Also, I think he is depressed. I say that as someone who had times I was depressed and felt no good.

If he won’t exercise, see if he will be willing to go for a massage, as that is good for both the body and emotions. Just a thought.

Try to do a family outing that involves nature and walking, just by saying you want to visit such and such place as a family. That could possibly get him walking and enjoying the feeling of movement of the body enough to possibly inspire more walks. If your neighborhood is walkable, see if you can get him to go for a walk, if not, you may want to try to get out for a walk yourself as an example.
 
I agree with others that depression is getting in the way of him doing anything about his health or faith. Getting more life insurance is a good idea in itself but also good for getting him to focus on his health. The fr Barron DVDs are very good. Also look for CDs from lighthouse media for his commute. Although I will say that I found it hard to really concentrate during my commute and also pay enough attention to my driving!
 
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