If a person enjoys giving gifts to others, are they charitable or selfish or both?

[ManOnFire]

My in-laws give a small mountain of gifts to each of my kids at Christmas. When we gently suggested that they not buy so many and maybe put some money toward college, they were offfended. Buying gifts made them feel good, but if seeing the few minutes of smiles on the kids faces is more important than saving some for college, then are they truly being selfish???

 

[JohnDamian]

My in-laws give a small mountain of gifts to each of my kids at Christmas. When we gently suggested that they not buy so many and maybe put some money toward college, they were offfended. Buying gifts made them feel good, but if seeing the few minutes of smiles on the kids faces is more important than saving some for college, then are they truly being selfish???

It may not be selfish; but it is certainly unwise; and if you are worried about your Childrens future - unhelpful.

Past the age of five or so; the gifts given to children should be practical (such as books; clothing vouchers; educational equipment; sports items; music etc.); and before the age of five children should only be being given small and often inexpensive toys (such as legos or somesuch).

If a person can afford more than a few toys; or books - they should instead put the money into trusts for the Children for when they are of college age etc. A Child will smile just as much for a small gift as a large one; and putting money aside for the future is unquestionably wise; be it for college; a house deposit; or anything else.

Also; it is not unwise to give children of a moderate age (perhaps five or above) a small amount of money so they can get more used to benefits of saving; vs the losses of squandering. Particularily if the children don’t get chore money.

 

[PatriceA]

My in-laws give a small mountain of gifts to each of my kids at Christmas. When we gently suggested that they not buy so many and maybe put some money toward college, they were offfended. Buying gifts made them feel good, but if seeing the few minutes of smiles on the kids faces is more important than saving some for college, then are they truly being selfish???

Are the gifts unconditional? Are there expectations, or “strings attached” to the gifts? Or is your objection just that you don’t like they way they are spending their money? If it is truly a gift, nothing expected afterwards and they really just like to see your kid’s face lite up then I can’t see how its selfish. They’ve made the money, they can spend it how they want, even if you think its foolish. I think though if it was me, I’d let go of the expectation that they should be saving for any future education of my children. That’s my job as the parent, not anyone else’s. If they later want to help out financially, great. If they want to spend their money on gifts or lavish expenses, they’ve earned that right. It would be a totally different scenerio if they were trying to “buy” your children’s affections or expected favors or something in return.

 

[ManOnFire]

No strings attached, just a pile of 25-30 gifts for each child. They aren’t anything too expensive, just regular gifts and some clothes. They don’t play with all of the toys from each holiday (ever hear of presents in the Easter basket?) and we’re running out of space. The other grandparents don’t live close enough to compete with transporting 25 gifts each times 5 kids. I’m more practical, so I didn’t expect them to be insulted when we asked for half as many gifts to be given and some money saved for college instead. Starting adult life with less debt is a heck of a present. It just made me think about it philosophically speaking.

 

[JohnDamian]

Frivolous spending on behalf of your in-laws is setting a bad example. They have a duty to;

a) Respect you as a parent and your choices with regards to what your children recieve.

b) To set a good example of financial prudence to the children.

Just lavishing piles of what amounts to little more than junk set’s a bad example of smart spending for the Children; it also sets a precedent you are almost compelled to meet yourself for fear of your Children being dis-satisfied with your gifts.

If the gift is either innappropriate or wasteful I would ask the in-laws to return it; or give it to charity. If they can’t give an adult present then they shouldn’t give a present at all. I personally would be very strict with such wastefulness; it only leads to disharmony and further distraction for Children who should be working towards growing up both in terms of responsibility and education - pointless gifts do not help with that; nor does an excess of clothes.

They would be wiser giving you some clothing vouchers; and giving the children a book each and putting money in trust. Children should be satisfied with that; if they arn’t then they are becomming spoiled - which is again a reason why such lavish actions should be tempered.

PatriceA said that it is their money; and they have the right to spend it how they like - but they don’t have the right to interfere with your parenting; and what you say goes.