If God loves me why won't he send a spouse?

[TK421]

Marriage discernment isn’t passive. I know guys are conventionally the more assertive ones in this, but you still need to be pro-active. If your strategy was/is to do nothing, then the matter is already decided, not necessarily by God, but at least by you: you are going to be single your entire life.

A healthy marriage culture does not exist. 200 years ago, a guy approached you, you spent some time together (with their parents most of the time) you went off, you got married, you had babies, you worked, you laughed, you worshiped, you died. This is now fantasy. It is like sitting in the courtyard of an elegant castle from a bygone time, now overgrown with bushes, weeds, and populated by small mammals and sparrows, and asking yourself “Where is the staff to wait on me?”. If you want a strong marriage, then you have to have persistent intentionality in acquiring it. If you’re passive, it’s over.

Maybe you have been unlucky. Maybe you are somewhat to blame, from being either over-demanding, naive, or detached, or all of the above. Novels and movies are often a culprit in this, by poisoning a woman’s mind with an absurd, warped view or reality until she stripes herself of her ability to find satisfaction or contentment. It doesn’t matter. The point is: there are roughly as many virtuous men in the world as there are virtuous women. If you want to marry, you have to keep trying.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I get where some of your bitterness comes from, because I am in my 40s as well, and never been married, although I’ve never let a boyfriend talk me into things I shouldn’t do and nor have I ever been recruited by a pimp.

Do you keep up your appearance? Not because men are shallow, but when we look better we feel better. A lot better. Men are really attracted to confidence. If your appearance needs work, then work on that along with your spiritual life. Don’t leave the Church, pray more. Pray for your future husband, pray for Our Lady to help you stay pure in thought, word, and deed.

And by appearance, I don’t just mean weight, I mean your hair, how you dress, how you are groomed, etc. Think of working on yourself physically and spiritually as your second job (this is kind of what I am doing now).

And you should go to weddings, go and look fabulous! You might meet someone.

I keep up my appearance. I used to model so I stay in shape and like looking good.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Honestly when I read your post I see so many issues with your mentality. Sometimes God won’t send us the ‘one’ until WE are ready and honestly I don’t think you are. I know it’s probably frustrating to hear that but I suspect you have some more maturing to do before you’re ready for a healthy relationship.

God wants what’s best for you and so long as you ask Him to lead you, He will. Sometimes that means you have to sort you out before He gives you what you want.

I’m 31 and single. Sometimes I do despair thinking: Oh man, does God want me to be single???, but I don’t think He does. I do believe He has put the married vocation into my heart. So why am I still single?

When I look at myself honestly and without denial I SEE why. I’m not ready. And He won’t send me ‘the one’ until I am because He wants the best possible marriage and family for me and I love Him for it.

So I will continue to do what I’m doing (improving myself) while waiting in hope for what I know God has in store for me. And you should do the same.

But the thing is I am ready. I got involved in activities to no avail.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I do actively pursue relationships to no avail. I met a guy I like but he told me now with his problems he doesn’t want to date. When I have met guys they seem great until I find out they have kids and an ex.

 

[TK421]

If they’re a revert/convert with a damaged past, but are in good standing with the Church, and it is a deal-breaker that they have an ex and/or kids, then that is your decision, and you are not sinning by deciding that, although you’re not necessarily being prudent or even entirely fair. Rome has deemed them worthy, but you have not. There are a ton of people in the Catholic Church (or any church) that have a bad background but have since sobered into splendid servants of God.

Most people get married in their 20s or early 30s.

 

[jaimeleglise]

Don’t give up. Hang in there. Don’t give up on God either. I know it is frustrating. I will pray for you.

I met my wonderful Catholic husband through Catholic Match when I was 46 years old.
We got engaged a year later and married a year after that. We have been happily married
without an argument for 6 1/2 years.

When I saw my husband to be’s profile I misread it. I thought he was only looking for friends, not marriage. In addition to that, he is 11 years younger than I. When I finally met
him we went to a healing service for our first date. I was very relaxed because I figured he
was just “hanging out” and not looking for a wife. Also, with the age difference, I didn’t
really think he would be romantically interested in me. I was able to be calm and not look
overly eager and scare him away.

Try asking the Holy Souls in Purgatory for help. They are never know to fail.

 

[Drew518]

I do actively pursue relationships to no avail. I met a guy I like but he told me now with his problems he doesn’t want to date. When I have met guys they seem great until I find out they have kids and an ex.

Keep looking. I’ve been looking for the girl for me and I just have to have faith that God will show who she is when we both are ready.

Till then I’m just focused on serving God and helping others. Sure there are hard times when I feel alone. But for some reason, I always remember a small line from Phantom of the Opera. Its actually a line I think of when things go wrong. “I can only hope to understand in time”. Just gotta trust it will all make sense. Have faith, God knows what He’s doing.

 

[TeachCatechism]

If they’re a revert/convert with a damaged past, but are in good standing with the Church, and it is a deal-breaker that they have an ex and/or kids, then that is your decision, and you are not sinning by deciding that, although you’re not necessarily being prudent or even entirely fair. Rome has deemed them worthy, but you have not. There are a ton of people in the Catholic Church (or any church) that have a bad background but have since sobered into splendid servants of God.

Most people get married in their 20s or early 30s.

I am being fair I don’t want to date a dad, end of story.

 

[GusIsAGirl]

Try asking the Holy Souls in Purgatory for help. They are never know to fail.

I have a devotion to praying FOR them, but I always forget to ask for their help. Thank you for the reminder!

 

[TK421]

I am being fair I don’t want to date a dad, end of story.

Okay. In addition to continuing to look for a spouse, you might also want to pray to God for contentment living the call of a generous single life. This is a noble vocation, but no vocation is very well-served if it is lived begrudgingly.

It is possible that these single dads are best served by your refusal also, until such time that you might have a change of heart on this.

Generally, it is matters of faith & morality where we ought to be immovably stubborn. On everything else, we ought to be immensely flexible and open to adapt. This is the Christian life.

 

[acadiANNA]

My take: You have to be comfortable with yourself before anyone will be comfortable with you. I mean really genuinely interested in being a part of your life forever. The men you have been trying to develop a friendship with do not sound as though they can make a commitment, like maybe they are just passing the time. Don’t look for someone to make you complete. Work on being comfortable with who you are. God has given you the ability to make wise choices. You have strong values. Talk to a Priest. Make a good confession. Start living your life from today on and do not look at the past, mistakes or other. Keep looking forward. There is someone waiting for you. Just relax, pray and it will happen. Do not be anxious about anything. I will pray for you to persevere and not be discouraged.

 

[acadiANNA]

P.S. Never doubt God’s love for you. He sees the whole picture. He knows what is best for you better than you know yourself. I agree-go to weddings. Be happy for the couple and realize that it will be you one day. I worked with a girl who was always neat. She thought she was pretty as she was. But she didn’t know how others perceived her to be. For her birthday, we took her to have her hair, nails and makeup done. She could not believe the difference. The change was noticeable and she had “the wow effect”. It made a big difference-she never imagined. Her confidence went way up. So maybe a subtle change would give you a feel-good boost. God made you–be the best that you can be-for Him.

 

[heidi_storage]

Teach,
You can’t really mean that. You know that is a diabolical exchange of goods. A few years of happiness on earth is worth more to you than eternal happiness in heaven? I don’t believe you really mean it. You are struggling with bitterness and despair. This is spiritual oppression, and not healthy. You must reject this line of thinking.

And why is it pathetic that other family members have married while you haven’t yet? Don’t you want them to be happy? If you love them, as I am sure you really do, you should celebrate with them. Not become bitter or envious.

We are not owed any particular blessings in this life. Add to that, being a faithful Catholic and finding a spouse is INCREDIBLY difficult in our world today. You are not unique in this struggle. Even those who do marry are not guaranteed a long, happy marriage. Please try to focus upon how God is blessing you now, and pray for patience and contentment.

I am so sorry for your difficulties, Teach. My heart hurt as I read a couple of your posts. I will be praying for you this evening.

Good post. The fact is that, in this fallen and broken world, all sorts of terrible stuff happens. People who love God have been afflicted with disease, starvation, and all sorts of nasty deaths; quite a lot of God’s prophets and apostles had a lousy time of it. So, what, is God some sort of jerk? People have struggled with theodicy for milennia.

God created us. He doesn’t owe us anything; we owe Him everything, but He has given us the wonderful gift of His dear Son, who by his death and resurrection has allowed us the means to be in communion with God forever. Nothing, no marriage, family, career success, nothing in this world can be compared to that. I know it’s difficult to focus on “eternity,” which we have no experience of, but I do believe that meditating on God’s mercy toward us is worthwhile. And I believe it will help you to stop focusing on filling the hole in your life with a man. There’s nothing wrong, of course, with desiring a spouse and taking steps to find one–not at all–but it sounds like this desire has consumed you in very unhealthy ways.

 

[Celtic_Maiden]

I am just wondering have you put this post up before, as I answered the exact same thing a few months ago, however, nothing puts a man off big time than a desperate woman seeking marriage. What is the expression what is for you wont pass you by. Join some Clubs, keep fit, dancing, Golf, but keep it light, not desperate as this is how you come across, have a don’t care attitude and you will win on this one.

Since you look good, are you good at conversation, before going out think of a few good topics that you can talk about instantly,
like - have you planned any holidays this year
what sort of car do you drive, are you into cars.
Talk about what is the latest news, what is happening in ? or ?.
Does he like watching Science Fiction.

If the Lord wants you to get married he will put the right person in your path, but really to say you are thinking of leaving the Catholic Church because you cannot find a man, shows no depth to your religion or your love of the Lord. This same expression was used also by the person a few months ago, which makes me think its you , putting up the same
post twice. I would love a BMW car, but I am not going to leave my religion over something so monetary , or say that God does not Love me because I have no hope of
getting one, look at all the people who cannot at the moment pay there bills, have no food, have you thought about these people , maybe joining a Charitable organisation who knows what nice guy you might meet, but remember its best to be single than be married to say to a guy who is violent/a drunk/ on drugs, you might then wish you were single.

Grow up, and stop acting childish. We have free Will and God does not interfere, find your own man, God is not going to put one in your way, you have to do your part as well.

 

[Book_Worm]

People who are anxious to be married give off a “desperate” vibe that most people find intimidating. People who are satisfied with their life as it is are very appealing and attractive.
When I was dating, I had one serious relationship that did not end well. (While we were pinned, he got a young–very young–woman pregnant.). After that I dated only sporadically until I was introduced to the wonderful man I married. As soon as we were engaged, men started asking me out more than ever before in my life. I wasn’t looking, but they seemed to appear out of nowhere. I ran out of gas and the Good Samaritan who helped me asked me out.

You are admittedly unhappy with your state in life. People pick up on that. Concentrate on finding things that make you happy and fulfilled.

 

[pianistclare]

When I first saw this thread, I assumed the poster was a male…there are SO many men here that say the exact same thing as you do. I think most of us can name them, in fact.
God’s love for you is not contingent on you getting married, first and foremost.
I met my second husband on CatholicSingles after being widowed. I’m not saying that it’s the way to go, but I also really felt that no one would be interested in me at that stage in my life. So I gave it a shot.
Sounds corny, but positivity wins the race. that, and praying for God’s will to be done in your life. God has your situation in hand. Try to be calm, patient, and pray. You’re probably going to say you’re already doing that, so if you are, keep going with it.
If you are meant to be married it will happen. I was married for a very long time to someone who was mean and unhappy. He passed away, and I thought, “well, I guess it’s not in the cards for me”.
I’ve been married now to the most restorative, loving, and gentle man ever. I’d trade these 3 years for those 25 in a heartbeat. Keep waiting for the right “one”. I don’t know when he’ll pop into your life.
Just turn it all over to God, and you won’t be disappointed, either way.
God bless you. Be assured of our prayers.
pianist

 

[Groo]

God placed the hopes and dreams you have in your heart; He will find a way to help you fulfill them. Sometimes things look the darkest and most hopeless before they suddenly turn around. That has been my experience at least.

I don’t know God’s mind so I can’t answer your ‘why’ question. But I believe He hears your prayers and will help you.

I have felt very alone and single as well, and am now in a lonely marriage. However, I have found contentment in being with my kids and in activities and companions outside the family (i.e. friendships with other men). So in a sense I agree with others that it’s best to find ways to enjoy life without depending on a significant other.

All the best.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Don’t give up. Hang in there. Don’t give up on God either. I know it is frustrating. I will pray for you.

I met my wonderful Catholic husband through Catholic Match when I was 46 years old.
We got engaged a year later and married a year after that. We have been happily married
without an argument for 6 1/2 years.

When I saw my husband to be’s profile I misread it. I thought he was only looking for friends, not marriage. In addition to that, he is 11 years younger than I. When I finally met
him we went to a healing service for our first date. I was very relaxed because I figured he
was just “hanging out” and not looking for a wife. Also, with the age difference, I didn’t
really think he would be romantically interested in me. I was able to be calm and not look
overly eager and scare him away.

Try asking the Holy Souls in Purgatory for help. They are never know to fail.

Thank you for your story, it gives me hope.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Keep looking. I’ve been looking for the girl for me and I just have to have faith that God will show who she is when we both are ready.

Till then I’m just focused on serving God and helping others. Sure there are hard times when I feel alone. But for some reason, I always remember a small line from Phantom of the Opera. Its actually a line I think of when things go wrong. “I can only hope to understand in time”. Just gotta trust it will all make sense. Have faith, God knows what He’s doing.

Great way to look at it. If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I’m wondering if older men feel the way you do (or if you are an older man). Gives me hope.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Okay. In addition to continuing to look for a spouse, you might also want to pray to God for contentment living the call of a generous single life. This is a noble vocation, but no vocation is very well-served if it is lived begrudgingly.

It is possible that these single dads are best served by your refusal also, until such time that you might have a change of heart on this.

Generally, it is matters of faith & morality where we ought to be immovably stubborn. On everything else, we ought to be immensely flexible and open to adapt. This is the Christian life.

Unless a single dad has an annulment he is not eligible to marry in the church. You probably don’t know this because you are converting but he has to have an annulment. A dad with kids out of wedlock wouldn’t be compatible due to moral issues (I strongly oppose out of wedlock)and a guy who is divorced with kids would also be incompatible since I oppose divorce in most cases (and would never marry a man who wasn’t annulled). If someone marries someone who is divorced they can not marry in church and it used to be they couldn’t take communion even if they weren’t the one divorced. I’m glad the church is strict on divorce and I hope they stay strict. Marriage is supposed to be for life except in limited cases.

However this isn’t the only reason I would never marry a dad. He has a different lifestyle and different values. I have no interest in being a stepmother, not even to grown kids. I have no interest in supporting his kids or arranging my life to cater to his family.