Originally posted by mommyof4: I’m aiming for heaven, but man-oh-man is it hard work! I just have a feeling that sometimes I just “don’t get it.” The holiness thing, I mean. I really WANT to be holy, but then all of the other “stuff” gets in the way.
I hear you there!
Frankly … I don’t EVER think I’ll be holy! I try and try and try and always seem to revert to the brat that I really am — a bratty, pain-in-the-behind child!
My true self is a person who is selfish, lustful, emotional, quick-tempered, shy, sensitive to criticism, self-reliant, rash, scrupulous, easily bugged by too much sensory stimuli (eg. too much noise bugs me) and conceitedly independent (I avoid asking others for help).
I’ve decided to accept the fact that I’m a brat. I’ve decided to work WITH my difficult nature inasmuch as every time I CONTROL any aspect of my difficult nature, I can offer up to Jesus through Mary, a rose.
Controlling various aspects of my brat-like nature is my way of practicing virtue.
Example: if someone is chewing their food too loudly, I can practice virtue by retaining my desire to strangle said person for BUGGING me! LOL!!! Instead, I smile at them and tolerate their horrific table manners.
Another example: I just bought a new computer. Has Microsoft Vista. I need more RAM. I WAS going to install it myself … my conceitedly independent nature at work … but recognizing this tendency, I decided instead to ASK for help. I’ve never taken a computer tower apart before! I’m going to have a Computer guy come over and upgrade my computer for me, lest I touch the RAM stick with my fingers and ruin them! Plus, I might not be strong enough to unscrew my tower, nor strong enough to push the RAM sticks into the DIMM slots. So, I decided to go against my nature and ask for help.
What will save me is NOT my holiness, but my ability to TRUST in God’s Love and Mercy like a little child. And in reality — that’s what I am!
But … the
one good quality that I have is my ability to love. I love everyone, even Osama bin Laden and that crazy guy in Iran. I don’t think the sins of any repentant sinner exceeds God’s Mercy. I think it’s possible that the worst person on the face of the earth can enter Heaven.
I see every person as a child of God, and that fills me with love for them … even though they might BUG my difficult nature! LOL!!! (That’s just my problem). To me, the world, even though it’s filled with problems, is a beautiful place because it’s a nursery filled with the future occupants of Heaven. The world is filled with God’s Children.
My spirituality is a bit of St. Louis de Montfort combined with St. Therese the Little Flower.
With all of my problems, I feel as if I possess Heaven in my soul because of the Love that is there present.
So, girlfriend, you’re not alone in your difficult nature. I believe one’s ability to LOVE trumps ones personal holiness. Love is more important than holiness! I’m willing to bet that you love much. The DESIRE to be holy suffices because the DESIRE comes from one’s ability to love.
God Bless!