If NFP fails...

[MH84]

I dont know to much about this subject for two reasons: I’m not married, and I haven’t looked into this area of Christian morality much, let alone with any depth (mainly what I read here).

My question is with the Church approved use of NFP, isnt it a bit strange because if the wife happens to fall pregnant, since the couple were counting on the NFP to “work” (not fall pregnant), wouldnt they be upset at the situation? If the couple is unprepared and not mentally or financially prepared couldnt this lead to the couple to looking at the baby in an unfavourable light or lead them to resentment of the child or the use of NFPin the future?

Has anyone been through this situation but, has actually made some serious plans for when God might have called them to be parents?

I do not in any way support anyone moving away from the Church’s teaching in this matter, I’m not equipped with knowledge in this area to really advise anyway.

 

[Em_in_FL]

The church’s teaching is that EVERY child is a gift from God… first and foremost. If this is not our belief, then it’s hard to move onto the next step of using NFP (when necessary).

You see, we live in such a “contraceptive mindset” in todays world… that we’re OWED the opportunity to avoid having children. This is not the teaching of the faith.

NFP is a gift. It’s a way to help parents during difficult situations in life… illness, emotional and mental wellbeing, financial burdens… there are many “reasons” for using NFP…

But again, we go into using NFP with the mindset that EVERY child is a gift from God. If we truly believe this, we also can believe that God will assist us if a new life is given during a period of hardship (the reason why NFP was being used)…

God does not abandon us when we are blessed with a new life… He’s with us even more.

 

[agangbern]

Catholics know that God’s will shall always prevail. “Thy will be done.” If NFP fails, then that is God’s will. And Catholics are happy to accept the failure.

 

[Nechasin]

All forms of family planning can fail…NFP is no different. If you are truly in a scenario where you shouldn’t have kids you should be abstaining. Having said that, My first child was a surprise, It was scary, but we weren’t upset or anything. We also know three couples who got pregnant while on ABC. Who do you think was more upset? Hint, it wasn’t us. The mindset with NFP is usually different because you usually have a greater understanding of the unitive and procreative aspect of the marital embrace.

 

[marci]

NFP “failed” for me and I was unprepared and scared, but it was a “done deal” so I pressed on. Obviously after six years I couldn’t imagine life without my youngest, or any of my kids for that matter.

Having said that, I have older family members who grew up in a time of the church when there was no NFP. My grandmother had 12 children and her twin sister had 14. Both my grandmother and my aunt had more than one nervous breakdowns. They were just completely exhausted, rarely going even a year inbetween births. All of my mothers siblings accept two, are less than a year apart.
I consider both of these woman to be saints. Especially my aunt. Her whole life is the church. She has given all of herself to her children and her marriage, but there were times when she was disappointed to find out she was pregnant again. I remember her telling me once that around the 8th or 9th child, she actually began to pray that she would miscarry, or that she would have to have a hysterectomy because of something going wrong during childbirth.

Because of the teaching at that time, she could do nothing to space out the pregnancies. And she accepted this, however, she has spent most of her life suffering. Don’t get me wrong, she wouldn’t give up one of her children for anything, but when you are in the thick of great tribulation, your suffering can affect your state of mind.

In the end you have to “let go and let God”, but that doesn’t mean you can always do so with a smile on your face.
All you can do is offer your suffering up to God.

After having children myself, I believe that motherhood is the hardest vocation, full of the greatest sacrifices. Harder than the Priesthood even. No one accept a mother can know the sufferings, the worry. It never ends, in the beginning you worry about them physically, then you worry about them spiritually for the rest of your life.

I think the church should do more in the preparation courses, to prepare couples for parenthood, not just marriage.

 

[MSParrott]

My question is with the Church approved use of NFP, isnt it a bit strange because if the wife happens to fall pregnant, since the couple were counting on the NFP to “work” (not fall pregnant), wouldnt they be upset at the situation? If the couple is unprepared and not mentally or financially prepared couldnt this lead to the couple to looking at the baby in an unfavourable light or lead them to resentment of the child or the use of NFPin the future?

I’m definitely not an expert i this area, but my take on it is if a couple is genuinely using NFP, they are aware that this may happen if it is God’s Will, and they’re open to life. There are no guarantees in anything, only God.

 

[sdeco]

If the couple is unprepared and not mentally or financially prepared couldnt this lead to the couple to looking at the baby in an unfavourable light or lead them to resentment of the child or the use of NFPin the future?

We had a surprise pregnancy while using NFP. It was a pretty scary time (especially since I got fired while I was pregnant), but it did not lead to resentment of the child at all. On the contrary, we adore our precious little girl and can’t imagine life without her. I think it’s at least partly because we have both always been very pro-life.

On the other hand, it *did *lead to a little bit of resentment of NFP itself, on the part of both of us. I have difficult cycles and I have not found NFP to be as great as the NFP promoters claim it is. I have been very tempted to use contraception. But when it comes down to it, I just can’t go against the teaching of the church.

Fortunately, I’ve found an excellent NFP-only doctor who diagnosed me with PCOS and prescribed some medication that has made my cycles more normal and NFP easier.

 

[Holly3278]

The couple must have the mindset that God’s will must prevail. If NFP fails then it was God’s will for it to fail.

 

[whatevergirl]

I echo everyone else. My dh and I are of the opinion, that if we try to prevent pregnancy at this stage in our lives, and the plan fails, so to speak…then, God must want us to have a baby. And He will provide. (I’m 39 btw, and my dh will be 49 next month–and we have two kids 11 and 15) But, we may also try to have another baby…we are in a discernment mode right now.

I wrote in another thread…and the more I think about this, the more sense it makes. We live in a contraceptive world, because we live in a fearful world. Everyone is fearful that somehow, some way, a baby is going to ruin their best life plans. And that mindset is what keeps the contraception world in business. If people would trust in God more…then contraception wouldn’t have the choke hold it does on so many women. (and that people think sex is a right, just not the responsibility of it) So, you have a mixed bag of unmarried and married people having sex…and not wanting to have the consequences…but again–you can boil it all down to fear. Fear of having a baby. Fear of life as we know it changing. Fear of surrendering everything–even our sex lives–over to God. With love and sex, comes responsibility…Revelations are awesome, aren’t they???:bounce: :newidea:

 

[Fred_4]

After having children myself, I believe that motherhood is the hardest vocation, full of the greatest sacrifices. Harder than the Priesthood even.

Well, since no one has ever had both vocations… we’ll really never know!

But to address the original topic… if NFP fails. First, people using NFP are probably Catholic and probably married, otherwise, they would more likely be using some form of articifial contraception. I mean, if they’re Protestant or some other religion, they probably don’t care about the Church’s teaching on artificial contraception-- likewise if they’re Catholic but having sex outside of marriage. Secondly, if they’re using NFP they’re probably what some might term “devout” Catholics as, quite frankly, I’m sure we all know fellow Catholics who use artificial contraception and couldn’t care less.

Therefore, married Catholics using NFP to space or prevent pregnancy should be taking seriously the vow they made before the altar of almighty God that they would accept children as a gift from him. So I’m not sure how a pregnancy could be seen as a “failure.”

But I’m probably being too rigid on this. Seems I usually am…

 

[BlestOne]

I just want to preface my answer with: This is not aimed at any one person…

What makes us think that the decision (to be happy, sad or accept/reject a pregnancy) is made at the time of us learning about the pregnancy? When we say YES to the marital embrace we are also saying YES to the fruits of that union.

Quite often people who argue for ABC and/or abortion use this faulty reasoning… they think that at the point of learning that conception took place, is the time to decide whether they want a child. That just isn’t the case at all. Before we ever have marital relations we are required to make that decision… The question we are consenting to is "Am I willing to give of myself totally in this union? If the answer is NO… Then we must in good conscience decline the marital embrace. NFP teaches us our chances… which days are safer than others for not conceiving or which days we are more likely to conceive. We make the choice… this is why NFP is most successful when both the man and wife participate in NFP. Both are making a decision to accept what God makes of the union between them… whether it be a child or not.

How can the union be unitive when both don’t participate fully in this decision?

 

[marci]

Quite often people who argue for ABC and/or abortion use this faulty reasoning… they think that at the point of learning that conception took place, is the time to decide whether they want a child. That just isn’t the case at all. Before we ever have marital relations we are required to make that decision… The question we are consenting to is "Am I willing to give of myself totally in this union? If the answer is NO… Then we must in good conscience decline the marital embrace.

This is not an option for everyone. Some spouses, for whatever reason, are not willing to live in a sexless marriage.

 

[Malcolm_McLean]

My question is with the Church approved use of NFP, isnt it a bit strange because if the wife happens to fall pregnant, since the couple were counting on the NFP to “work” (not fall pregnant), wouldnt they be upset at the situation? If the couple is unprepared and not mentally or financially prepared couldnt this lead to the couple to looking at the baby in an unfavourable light or lead them to resentment of the child or the use of NFPin the future?

Yes. And if the child is eagerly wanted, the parents might turn against it if their hopes are disappointed - if the child is clearly below average at school, for instance.

NFP at least tells the couple that you can’t have everything exactly your own way - unless of course you want a baby every year.

 

[BlestOne]

This is not an option for everyone. Some spouses, for whatever reason, are not willing to live in a sexless marriage.

It seems quite clear to me that people are a higher order than animals… we do indeed understand things like consequences and delayed gratification. Sexless implies long term chastity, There are only about 3-5 fertile days per month. Surely you are not implying that one cannot skip those days if they feel strongly about not being in a position to conceive? If in fact a couple after prayerful consideration decides that they must avoid conceiving, then learning NFP is a moral and viable solution. If both agree that conception should be delayed but one of the couple doesn’t feel they can abstain, then I really have to wonder how unitive their union would be when they are not respecting their spouse or God’s plan for families.

 

[sing]

It seems quite clear to me that people are a higher order than animals… we do indeed understand things like consequences and delayed gratification. Sexless implies long term chastity, There are only about 3-5 fertile days per month. Surely you are not implying that one cannot skip those days if they feel strongly about not being in a position to conceive? If in fact a couple after prayerful consideration decides that they must avoid conceiving, then learning NFP is a moral and viable solution. If both agree that conception should be delayed but one of the couple doesn’t feel they can abstain, then I really have to wonder how unitive their union would be when they are not respecting their spouse or God’s plan for families.

Please do not speak derogatively of the many who must abstain more than “3-5 fertile days per month” because of the specifics of the woman’s cycle. There ARE many couples who, through NFP, end up in nearly sexless marriages, or have multiple NFP failures. As hard as it is to admit, these multiple NFP failures are hard to deal with. A nearly sexless marriage is also very hard to deal with because it goes against the natural order of marriage. Really, I’m quite tired of the NFP activists giving out inaccurate information. NFP is not as easy or effective as it is said to be because it varies so much according to a woman’s individual cycle.

To the OP: The NFP mindset means that a couple have to be open to the possibility of having kids. They have to be somewhat prepared for it. Yes, when the 8th comes along, it is stressful, but usually an NFP couple lives in a mindset that that is more welcoming to the idea of kids.

 

[KHI29]

I just want to preface my answer with: This is not aimed at any one person…

What makes us think that the decision (to be happy, sad or accept/reject a pregnancy) is made at the time of us learning about the pregnancy? When we say YES to the marital embrace we are also saying YES to the fruits of that union.

Quite often people who argue for ABC and/or abortion use this faulty reasoning… they think that at the point of learning that conception took place, is the time to decide whether they want a child. That just isn’t the case at all. Before we ever have marital relations we are required to make that decision… The question we are consenting to is "Am I willing to give of myself totally in this union? If the answer is NO… Then we must in good conscience decline the marital embrace. NFP teaches us our chances… which days are safer than others for not conceiving or which days we are more likely to conceive. We make the choice… this is why NFP is most successful when both the man and wife participate in NFP. Both are making a decision to accept what God makes of the union between them… whether it be a child or not.

How can the union be unitive when both don’t participate fully in this decision?

AMEN to that. You took the words right out of my fingers! As long as both man and woman are on the same page there won’t be any issues. I think that if I wasn’t Catholic and wasn’t using NFP and my condom broke I’d be more likely to be angry.

 

[BlestOne]

Please do not speak derogatively of the many who must abstain more than “3-5 fertile days per month” because of the specifics of the woman’s cycle. There ARE many couples who, through NFP, end up in nearly sexless marriages, or have multiple NFP failures. As hard as it is to admit, these multiple NFP failures are hard to deal with. A nearly sexless marriage is also very hard to deal with because it goes against the natural order of marriage. Really, I’m quite tired of the NFP activists giving out inaccurate information. NFP is not as easy or effective as it is said to be because it varies so much according to a woman’s individual cycle.

I am not speaking derogatorily of people who have to abstain more than 3-5 days. Yes I agree there are people who have to abstain much longer because of irregular cycles and such. What I am trying to say is that for the average person practicing NFP there are many opportunities for the marital embrace each month. For the ones who have to abstain much longer than average… I am truly sorry for the burden you feel, but after living in a sexless marriage, I am pleased to inform you that you can survive it… I lived it for over 5 years totally abstaining! And before that, it was maybe one or twice a year for at least 4 years. I know it is a burden, but even I had to remind myself that nobody ever died from lack of sex.

That being said, unless there is an underlying medical problem, people don’t generally avoid for that long. Generally, spacing children, finishing school, building up funds doesn’t last that long at all.

If one feels that they are not called to have children then possibly marriage is not the vocation they need to pursue. Everyone is called to prayerfully consider their vocation in life. I am talking about people who feel this way before marriage not about conditions that arise after marriage…

 

[adamsaj]

This is not an option for everyone. Some spouses, for whatever reason, are not willing to live in a sexless marriage.

no marriage should be fruitless either.

the point is that marital relationships and getting pregnant are linked, and we should treat them as such.