If not priesthood or marriage, then what?

[KrazyKaiju]

Hello All,

I’ve been thinking over the meaning of life lately (like anyone does at some point in their life), and I’ve especially been thinking about what it means to be a good person. In Catholic high school, I remember hearing something about people’s call to “be fruitful”, whether it is in married life (i.e. raise a family) or in priesthood (i.e. “children” are the Church). I only have a really rough understanding of what this call really means, but I hope I wasn’t too far off.

I really don’t feel like I have a call to the priesthood. Much of my work has been in philosophy and computer programming. It seems my calling lies in those two fields.

Were I not to become a priest, though, it would seem that the only way to fulfill my call to fruitfulness would be through marriage. But…I REALLY can’t count on that happening any time soon. To make a long story short, I haven’t had a serious relationship. Heck, I haven’t had a relationship - PERIOD. I could have had one easily, but I messed up that opportunity badly. When I feel like I ought to start one, I’m usually out of luck because it doesn’t really seem like I’ve found anyone who - to put it briefly - is “compatible” . (I could give a more lengthy explanation if you’d like, but it will take a few lines).

It seems like a single life of (nearly)-complete autonomy is just my thing. For me, the single life just seems to work, and it seems that I would have no luck in extending myself in a serious relationship. Were I to go this route, though, it seems that I would still be missing one important component to being a good person.

Thoughts/comments/corrections, anyone? Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

[withwind]

You used “seems” few places. Have you taken further and more serious steps to discern your vocation?

I wish I had Philosphy classes like you - it would save me time if I ever enter seminary. Many guys I know are engineer, mechanics, etc …but they are priests now.

How is you prayer life? Have you also got a spiritual director to share your thoughts and discernment with?

 

[ohioszo]

Hello All,

I’ve been thinking over the meaning of life lately (like anyone does at some point in their life), and I’ve especially been thinking about what it means to be a good person. In Catholic high school, I remember hearing something about people’s call to “be fruitful”, whether it is in married life (i.e. raise a family) or in priesthood (i.e. “children” are the Church). I only have a really rough understanding of what this call really means, but I hope I wasn’t too far off.

I really don’t feel like I have a call to the priesthood. Much of my work has been in philosophy and computer programming. It seems my calling lies in those two fields.

Were I not to become a priest, though, it would seem that the only way to fulfill my call to fruitfulness would be through marriage. But…I REALLY can’t count on that happening any time soon. To make a long story short, I haven’t had a serious relationship. Heck, I haven’t had a relationship - PERIOD. I could have had one easily, but I messed up that opportunity badly. When I feel like I ought to start one, I’m usually out of luck because it doesn’t really seem like I’ve found anyone who - to put it briefly - is “compatible” . (I could give a more lengthy explanation if you’d like, but it will take a few lines).

It seems like a single life of (nearly)-complete autonomy is just my thing. For me, the single life just seems to work, and it seems that I would have no luck in extending myself in a serious relationship. Were I to go this route, though, it seems that I would still be missing one important component to being a good person.

Thoughts/comments/corrections, anyone? Any feedback would be appreciated.

You can be fruitful *and *be a single person. Make your faith important in your life, that is what you are called to do, that is what we are all called to be, faithful. That is what we promise to be at confirmation. Don’t mix up being single with what is typically considered the single life in contemporary society … narcissistic living.

 

[masterjedi747]

And whatever course of action you take, just continue to be open to whatever God might send your way. You don’t need to have your whole life figured out before you start moving forward.

 

[dcrowmik]

It seems like a single life of (nearly)-complete autonomy is just my thing. For me, the single life just seems to work, and it seems that I would have no luck in extending myself in a serious relationship. Were I to go this route, though, it seems that I would still be missing one important component to being a good person.

Thoughts/comments/corrections, anyone? Any feedback would be appreciated.

If God truly plans for you to be single all your life, that in and of itself is a vocation and you would be a good person. Read this in 1 Cor 7 and read this in Mt 19:12.

 

[catechizeme]

There are 3 main categories of vocations: priesthood, marriage, religious life.

If you are not called to priesthood or marriage, or religius life (which most people assume is through a religious order…but read on…), but to remain single, then what that means is you answer this vocation call by consecrating your life to God - which,in essence, is a form of “religious life” (without an order).

Answering a vocation requires a conscious act of commitment to God’s plan for your life. Some people do this as consecrated virgins. If that isn’t possible in your case, then seeking this commitment with the help of a priest, bishop, and receiving their blessing is in order in order to ‘formalize’ your answer to God’s call in your life.

 

[JReducation]

Hello All,

I’ve been thinking over the meaning of life lately (like anyone does at some point in their life), and I’ve especially been thinking about what it means to be a good person. In Catholic high school, I remember hearing something about people’s call to “be fruitful”, whether it is in married life (i.e. raise a family) or in priesthood (i.e. “children” are the Church). I only have a really rough understanding of what this call really means, but I hope I wasn’t too far off.

I really don’t feel like I have a call to the priesthood. Much of my work has been in philosophy and computer programming. It seems my calling lies in those two fields.

Were I not to become a priest, though, it would seem that the only way to fulfill my call to fruitfulness would be through marriage. But…I REALLY can’t count on that happening any time soon. To make a long story short, I haven’t had a serious relationship. Heck, I haven’t had a relationship - PERIOD. I could have had one easily, but I messed up that opportunity badly. When I feel like I ought to start one, I’m usually out of luck because it doesn’t really seem like I’ve found anyone who - to put it briefly - is “compatible” . (I could give a more lengthy explanation if you’d like, but it will take a few lines).

It seems like a single life of (nearly)-complete autonomy is just my thing. For me, the single life just seems to work, and it seems that I would have no luck in extending myself in a serious relationship. Were I to go this route, though, it seems that I would still be missing one important component to being a good person.

Thoughts/comments/corrections, anyone? Any feedback would be appreciated.

There are other options. Have you ever thought of becoming a religioius brother or joining a secular order? These are also vocations that draw the individual into the mystery of God in a more intense way. They are both consecrated states. They are both very necessary in the mission of the Church.

Most people rarely mention them, because most people don’t know much about what a religious brother is or what a secular order is. Some believe that a secular order is an association of people with a devotion to a particular saint. But nothing could be further from the truth. It is a call from Christ to a select group to bring the perfection of charity into the secular world using secular tools such as your studies and your skills.

The religious brother is often thought of as a man who lacks the intellectual skills to become a priest or a man who didn’t “go all the way.” Nothing can be further from the truth. Many religious brothers are theologicans, canonists, liturgists, scientists, or other advanced professionals. There are many who are enclosed contemplatives and others who combine the contemplative and the apostolic life. We serve the Church in many capacties.

I, for example, am a religious brother. I run a school for adolecents with autism, a ministry to parents and relatives of children with handicapping conditions where we preach the mercy of God and give people a theological perspective on the handicapping conditions of the their loved ones. I also work with the archdiocese teaching theology to the seminarians and going from parish to parish preaching on life issues. My life is also filled with community life such as recreation with my brothers, silent prayer, the Liturgy of the Hours, daily mass, adoration in front of the Blessed Sacrament, lectio divina, penance and manual labor around our community house. We bring the Gospel as St. Francis understood it and taught it to our first brothers and sisters to the secular world, especially to Catholics. Our mission is to convert Catholics. We do very little ministry with non-Catholics. Like Francis, we focus on converting the converted.

There are also canonical diocesan hermits who live a solitary life in prayer and the evangelical counsels. These men and women make their vows before the local bishop. They live alone and are completely separated from society living on their own in silence and solitude.

Then there are sociieties like Opus Dei where the members are not reliigious, but live in community and follow the evangelical counsels without making vows. Their work and mission is to sanctify human labor by being living the life of the Holy Family, living and working in the world, always fulfiiling God’s will and turning every action into a work of God.

You may want to think about some of these options.

Fraternally,

Br. JR, OSF

 

[Diamantina]

Christ is risen!

You may also want to think about secular institutes. Members of secular institutes live the evangelical counsels of poverty, chastity and obedience while holding down ordinary lives in the world. They are responsible for their own health care and retirement needs. They share a sense of community with a monthly day of recollection and a yearly retreat. Most secular institutes are for unmarried laywomen or diocesan priests, but a few are for unmarried laymen.

 

[barb_finnegan]

I’m unsure what my ‘vocation’ is…

As I’ve stated in several threads, I’m 54 years old. I’ve always been single, and as the OP said, NEVER been in a relationship. I have male friends-single, married, AND priests-but never been in any kind of relationship with a man that would have resulted in marriage. Tell the truth, I was never too keen on marriage. I respect it as a human institution and as a sacrament, but I never felt ‘called’ to it. Never cared for sex, and I always felt I couldn’t ‘make it’ as a mother, especially in the world today.

After my confirmation in 1966-the ‘big, bad Sixties’-I read more about my Faith, and I was especially attracted to the lives of the Saints. When I turned 15, I thought of the contemplative religious life, and I began a correspondence with a monastery of Discalced Carmelite nuns. I wrote to them and visited with them ‘officially’ from 1970 to 1977; but in the latter year I was informed by the Mother Prioress that I had ‘a love and a loyalty to the Order, but not a vocation’. And I accepted the decision-one of the few occasions where ‘grace’ was at work for me.

As the months and years went on, I was wondering what to do with my life. In 1979, I was accepted into the SFOs, making profession in 1980. I was in the fraternity till 1988. I left because the people in charge wanted to disregard the directives of the ‘higher-ups’ in the leadership ‘food chain’ and ‘do their own thing’. I objected to this decision, and when they ignored me, I walked out.

Then in 1994, an OCDS chapter was going to start in my area. I still had a love for the Carmelites, despite being ‘rejected’ by the nuns in 1977. I joined the new group, received the Scapular in 1995, and made first profession in 1997. I loved being in this group-but I was unable to made final profession in 2000. I had to go through a grueling period of written and verbal evaluations by the people in charge-and I ‘failed’. I was ‘charitably dismissed’ from the community.

As the years have gone by, I keep wondering what is to be my ‘vocation’. I’m not overly ‘smart’ intellect-wise. I’m not very ‘organized’ or an ‘initiator’ type. I go to the TLM exclusively now, but the chapel where I attend the Mass does not have a ‘parish life’. The priests who come to say the Mass and hear confessions come from out of town.

I feel very ‘useless’ because I’m considered to be ‘old’ in my middle age. Sometimes I wish that I could be a consecrated virgin, but I have no spiritual director. I spoke once to a priest who was the vocations director in my diocese, but he had to leave that post because of an accusation of sexual abuse. Most of the people who are in upper echelons of the chancery are liberal, anyway. They don’t really understand Catholics who are ‘traditional’.

I think that ‘single’ is a ‘six-letter dirty word’ as far as the Church is concerned. If you’re not involved in some sort of ‘ministry’ [can’t stand that word-should be restricted to the clergy alone], then you’re a nobody…

Just my vent…I don’t know if other frequenters of these forums feel the same way…

 

[Galilea]

"If not priesthood or marriage, then what?

[/COLORPray, Pray, Pray!!! That is what for now, until the Lord will guide you Himself. I mean no desrespect or disreguard for your fervent desire to serve in a specific area or place within the church. Is just that I’m married for 14 years and so are my friends for many years also and that does not mean we have truly found our place of service within the church. I have worked HARD in maintaining this marriage and still inside me I now feel that I should also be serving somewhere, somehow within the church together with my husband. Because being married is not always getting there and one will bear fruit, is a lot more complicated than that. The society we live in today pulls us in a hundred different ways, holding the marriage back from bearing fruit for the church or the Lord. So I have noticed how much silent prayer and meditation is needed, some of the church married leaders are crumbling. Let me explain as short as I can. Friends of ours married for about five or six years, seemed to have the perfect life, big new house, great careers, they seemed to get along so well, great manners, lived three houses down from the church, served at marriage retreats, counseled other married couples and she even went once a month to help with the cleaning of the church. One saturday they came to my house for dinner, everything seemed normal for the exeption that she got a phone call and stood outside on the phone long enough that made her husband upset, for he felt she was being rude to us. A week later she called me to tell me that they had come from the attorneys office, they had just filed for divorce!!! I was in total shock to say the least and thought they were pulling a joke on me. But it ended up not being a joke, she had gotten involved with another person and wanted to go live with that person. It was like a storm for their families, our group of friends and the church community, no one saw it comming. But it happened and the bigger shock was actually the person she got involved with, that I rather hold to myself. Sad to say that I have seen it in about ten more couples of long marriages in the last seven years, right now there is another couple that serves in many areas of the church we go to now. Their marriage is in very bad shape, because one of them has gotten involved with another person. Soooo our church needs people that quietly pray and pray with all the sincerity of their hearts, because there is so much trouble in the church’s married couples. I’m sure the Lord will eventually guide your way into how to permanently serve Him, but meanwhile we need SINGLE (non married, drama free, kid free people). Single and faithful is VERY VALUABLE for the church now, you are soooo needed, you are a PRECIOUS VALUABLE of the church. Even if others do not recognize it, who cares, the truth is your praying time is priceless for the church and to the Lord.]

 

[dcrowmik]

I feel very ‘useless’ because I’m considered to be ‘old’ in my middle age. Sometimes I wish that I could be a consecrated virgin, but I have no spiritual director. :

Is there not some monastery or abbey within, say, 100 miles of you where you could find a spiritual director to visit every three to four weeks? Perhaps you would find through such direction that the community life is not your calling, but you may find that you are called to be a consecrated lay hermit as permitted for in Canon 603. See this and this.

 

[barb_finnegan]

Is there not some monastery or abbey within, say, 100 miles of you where you could find a spiritual director to visit every three to four weeks? Perhaps you would find through such direction that the community life is not your calling, but you may find that you are called to be a consecrated lay hermit as permitted for in Canon 603. See this and this.

In 2002 I contacted the Franciscans of the Immaculate, whose postulant house is in the southern part of my state. I got a call from the then-Superior who told me that the logistics were not possible for me and him to meet and talk. He’s not there now; I just read on their website that he’s in their contemplative house in Italy.

There’s a Benedictine abbey also, but I’m hesitant about contacting them.

 

[dcrowmik]

In 2002 I contacted the Franciscans of the Immaculate, whose postulant house is in the southern part of my state. I got a call from the then-Superior who told me that the logistics were not possible for me and him to meet and talk. He’s not there now; I just read on their website that he’s in their contemplative house in Italy.

There’s a Benedictine abbey also, but I’m hesitant about contacting them.

I know someone who has been taking direction about every three weeks from a holy priest at an abbey somewhat near him. It has helped him immensely.

Why not contact the Benedictines?

 

[Catholic4Obama]

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a single life. Marriage is not going to be your answer for true joy and happiness. That can only come when you are first married to yourself.

If you do end up living a single life, just make sure you have house guests and interact with people. Don’t let yourself become a hermit. Priests and married people live lives of service, and single people can certainly find their place of service in this world.

 

[Norseman82]

Were I not to become a priest, though, it would seem that the only way to fulfill my call to fruitfulness would be through marriage. But…I REALLY can’t count on that happening any time soon. To make a long story short, I haven’t had a serious relationship. Heck, I haven’t had a relationship - PERIOD. I could have had one easily, but I messed up that opportunity badly. When I feel like I ought to start one, I’m usually out of luck because it doesn’t really seem like I’ve found anyone who - to put it briefly - is “compatible” . (I could give a more lengthy explanation if you’d like, but it will take a few lines).

It seems like a single life of (nearly)-complete autonomy is just my thing. For me, the single life just seems to work, and it seems that I would have no luck in extending myself in a serious relationship. Were I to go this route, though, it seems that I would still be missing one important component to being a good person.

Thoughts/comments/corrections, anyone? Any feedback would be appreciated.

I don’t know how old you are, but don’t fall into the discouraging habit of “I haven’t had a relationship, therefore I’m meant to be single”. For one thing, it is extremely hard to find a good, compatible Catholic spouse in this day and age. Second, if you “messed something up”, why not identify what you messed up and learn from it and fix it?

 

[budgie2]

In terms of marriage you never know what relationship is around the corner although you need to put yourself in the position to meet people and go out to bars, clubs, single nights, dating agencies etc. There aren’t enough priests so hopefully you’ll feel called to that. The night I met my husband I was crying my eyes out thinking I would die a spinster and he is my first and only relationship so it’s better saving for the right person. Whether you choose to be a celibate or married the fact that you’ve never had another relationship might be in your favour. I’m happily married but good luck.

 

[Salonika]

KrazyKaiju:

Were I not to become a priest, though, it would seem that the only way to fulfill my call to fruitfulness would be through marriage.

For people who define fruitfulness as having children of your own there may seem to be no other way to be fruitful. But if you consider fruitfulness to have a wider meaning being single does not mean fruitlessness.

There are many ways single people can be fruitful - eg by being caring/keeping an eye on their (elderly) parents, being loving uncles and aunties, by spending time with children who do not have loving parents or no-one to set them a good example. For others it may be volunteer work of some sort which benefits the community or doing the jobs for community groups that others won’t do. It may be by working in jobs that help others.
And as you say a priest may be considered “fruitful” by the way he leads his “flock”.

Think some people can be put off being single because some people either consider single people to be incomplete or to be self-centred/selfish. Of course, some are but so are some people who marry.

KrazyKaiju:

It seems like a single life of (nearly)-complete autonomy is just my thing. For me, the single life just seems to work, and it seems that I would have no luck in extending myself in a serious relationship.

Think there’s a question to think about before wondering about whether how much luck you would have if you were in a serious relationship (with a view to marriage). And that whether you want to be in one, what do you think it would add to your life, what would it take away, what new skills would you need to develop and deepen that relationship.

Also remember that if you decided to stay single it doesn’t mean you are saying no to other close relationships or that you are unsocialable!!!

KrazyKaiju:

Were I to go this route (being single), though, it seems that I would still be missing one important component to being a good person.

Not in my view. It is a person’s whole way of life, their integrity, their honesty that makes a person “good” not whether they are married or single.

 

[Salonika]

barb finnegan:

I feel very ‘useless’ because I’m considered to be ‘old’ in my middle age … I think that ‘single’ is a ‘six-letter dirty word’ as far as the Church is concerned. If you’re not involved in some sort of ‘ministry’ … then you’re a nobody…
Just my vent…I don’t know if other frequenters of these forums feel the same way…

I’m a bit older than Barb and also always been single. And while, in a way commenting on the quote from Barb above is a bit-off topic it is relevant to the discussion as this view of single people has influenced people who didn’t really want to marry to do so to avoid such judgments.

I was very fortunate not to be brought up with an adverse view of single people. I had two single great-aunts on my Dad’s side of the family who were the heart of the family. All my first cousins and I felt nurtured by them. I also had a first cousin (the same age as my parents) who was single and led a really full life - job, church, other organisations and had lots of friends and did exciting things like go on overseas trips.

But Barb’s correct, some people still look down on the never married (or nowdays the never in a relationship) and also think they can ask us “why” questions they would never ask a married person.

So KrazyKaiju discern for yourself (agree with others who have suggested a spiritual director) and don’t be influenced by those who have particular views about whether people should be married/can be real adults if they are not married.

Interestingly I often found when people still commented on me not being married were not from friends in strong marriages but those who marriages were not strong.

 

[GodIsGracious]

I haven’t read everyone’s post but I’ll put in my two cents for what it’s worth.

One of the things about “society” and society in general, is that there is this assumption that people will have children. As if there is no other way. Then you have religious people who pull the “be fruitful and multiply” line from the bible and say, “See! God MEANS for you to have babies!” I’ve heard this my whole life - especially because I have never wanted children. And I have been saying that since I was 6. I’m 40 now. It can get especially tough when you’re a woman because people cannot fathom that a woman, who can “make life!” doesn’t want children. (Uhm, we can’t make life without men. ) Me and my friends who don’t want children interpret that line to mean, “Eat a bowl of fruit and do some math.” But I’m being silly. I am a computer programmer. So of course I “multiply!” Ok, being silly again.

I don’t entirely agree with the Catholic church’s teachings that marriage only means to have babies and help your spouse to get to heaven. Although, I do agree with that last part.

If there is a possibility that you don’t want children, if this is what you may be conflicted over (and I see this time and again by people who don’t want children but considering our HUGE societal pressure by media, family, church, friends, etc. to make babies sometimes people get confused) there’s a very good possibility that marriage, as a Catholic, may not be your vocation. (Trust me, I HATED hearing that because of COURSE I want to get married!)

One of the things that people never really think of as an option in life is being single. Or being childfree. Those two options are such a foreign concept to your average Joe out there that there’s just this societal script a person must follow but when you pull out your own script sometimes people’s heads metaphorically explode.

There is more to life than just priesthood and marriage. Being single, being without children, frees a person up to be available for other people and to be of service to them. (But it doesn’t mean they get to assume you’re simply available just because you don’t have kids or a spouse as is usually the case and attitude by parents towards those who don’t have children.)

There are many different ways to “be fruitful and multiply.” The fruit you bear, spreading God’s word, or helping others to spread His word, which then results in conversions (multiplying) is a very valid vocation in life. It takes commitment and can be tough. I know that as a single person it can be REALLY tough when it gets lonely and there’s a desire for a partner in life.

At any rate, there are different ways to look at that line. I don’t believe it always means to go out and make babies. You can still be fruitful and multiply AND be a computer programmer. It may just mean that you are not called to marriage as a Catholic.

 

[GodIsGracious]

Interestingly I often found when people still commented on me not being married were not from friends in strong marriages but those who marriages were not strong.

Same here. Or those who regret being parents, and there ARE some people who DO regret having children.