If not priesthood or marriage, then what?

[GodIsGracious]

I think that ‘single’ is a ‘six-letter dirty word’ as far as the Church is concerned. If you’re not involved in some sort of ‘ministry’ [can’t stand that word-should be restricted to the clergy alone], then you’re a nobody…

Just my vent…I don’t know if other frequenters of these forums feel the same way…

:hug1:

You’re not the only one. And it’s just not the church either. You see it all around you. BABIES! BABIES! BABIES! HOOK UPS! HOOK UPS! HOOK UPS! Who have you hooked up with today??? Some starlet has a new “baby bump! Who’s the baby daddy?!?”

As I mentioned in an earlier post I am a woman who does not want children. (Although I would like to get married.) I am not, however, married. I am dating someone and we may get married, but he doesn’t want children either and he’s Catholic too. So now, since his sister who is married and just had a kid, we’re “expected” to all of a sudden be available whenever and where ever because we’re not “busy” with being married and children. This annoys me to no end.

I also don’t have a particular call to the religious life or some sort of order. I really felt for you when I read your post because there’s this assumption by society and people that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t want marriage or children. And in the Catholic church, well, if you don’t want either, you must want to be a religious. While it’s not the Catholic church herself that teaches that, it is the people that we have to deal with and it is those people who generally have that attitude. Although I know not all.

I hate to see that you feel useless. You’re not old. And you’re a wonderful person! I bet you have affected people in your life simply because you have had the freedom to be available since you did not have responsibilities of a religious life, marriage, or parenthood. I had to come to grips with being made to feel like a weirdo and fortunately in my mid 20’s I put my foot down and insisted that no one was going to make me feel weird or stupid just because I’m not someone who has the same societal script of grow up, get married, make babies, die. eesh.

At anyrate, I’m here if you want to PM me. I know what you’re going through. When we go against what is the “norm,” we either feel different, or are made to feel like a freak when we’re not. God made us all and so we’re perfect just as we are.

 

[barb_finnegan]

:hug1:

You’re not the only one. And it’s just not the church either. You see it all around you. BABIES! BABIES! BABIES! HOOK UPS! HOOK UPS! HOOK UPS! Who have you hooked up with today??? Some starlet has a new “baby bump! Who’s the baby daddy?!?”

As I mentioned in an earlier post I am a woman who does not want children. (Although I would like to get married.) I am not, however, married. I am dating someone and we may get married, but he doesn’t want children either and he’s Catholic too. So now, since his sister who is married and just had a kid, we’re “expected” to all of a sudden be available whenever and where ever because we’re not “busy” with being married and children. This annoys me to no end.

I also don’t have a particular call to the religious life or some sort of order. I really felt for you when I read your post because there’s this assumption by society and people that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t want marriage or children. And in the Catholic church, well, if you don’t want either, you must want to be a religious. While it’s not the Catholic church herself that teaches that, it is the people that we have to deal with and it is those people who generally have that attitude. Although I know not all.

I hate to see that you feel useless. You’re not old. And you’re a wonderful person! I bet you have affected people in your life simply because you have had the freedom to be available since you did not have responsibilities of a religious life, marriage, or parenthood. I had to come to grips with being made to feel like a weirdo and fortunately in my mid 20’s I put my foot down and insisted that no one was going to make me feel weird or stupid just because I’m not someone who has the same societal script of grow up, get married, make babies, die. eesh.

At anyrate, I’m here if you want to PM me. I know what you’re going through. When we go against what is the “norm,” we either feel different, or are made to feel like a freak when we’re not. God made us all and so we’re perfect just as we are.

Thanks for the , GodIsGracious. If you want to PM me, that’s fine…I know how to reply to PMs, but not how to set one up.

I keep to myself nowadays. Most of the time, if I’m not at home [alone] I go to the local Adoration Chapel or to one of the local libraries. I use my computer there since I have no Internet access at home, and I also like to browse among the books on the shelves.

I’m not working right now-haven’t since last August. I’m living on checks from my IRA. I have always been unhappy in my work life-mostly piddling office jobs-so I don’t know what I’m really ‘good’ at.

Where I go to Mass on Sundays, it’s a TLM chapel. There’s no ‘parish life’ strictly speaking-the priests come from out of town, so they’re there only to hear confessions and say Mass.

As I said in my post, I don’t do any kind of ‘ministry’ [again I hate that word]. Not much the ‘volunteer’ or ‘initiator’ type. I’m more comfortable around animals [dogs, especially] than some people.

 

[Salonika]

GodIsGracious:

One of the things about “society” and society in general, is that there is this assumption that people will have children. As if there is no other way.

And alongside this is the feeling of many people (not all!) that they have the right to ask why couples do not have children and/or to assume the reason.

An interesting variation that comes up as people (single and married without children) get older is to be told “won’t you miss having grandchildren”. Seems they forget that having children does not guarantee having grandchildren or even if you do that you will see much of them.

GodIsGracious:

I have never wanted children. And I have been saying that since I was 6.

Yes, some of us know from an early age - I was 9 or 10 - and don’t change. I decided a few years later that marriage wasn’t for me.

GodIsGracious:

There is more to life than just priesthood and marriage. Being single, being without children, frees a person up to be available for other people and to be of service to them. (But it doesn’t mean they get to assume you’re simply available just because you don’t have kids or a spouse as is usually the case and attitude by parents towards those who don’t have children.)

Sometimes a component of this is that people assume that because you are single you are lonely. Yes, sometimes it can be, but is it any more lonely than being in a marriage when the partners are living separate lives or are at odds?

I’m not pushing any particular choice of lifestyle for anyone - but I am pushing discernment including the advantages and disadvantages of each possibility.

 

[RobNY]

I really don’t feel like I have a call to the priesthood. Much of my work has been in philosophy and computer programming. It seems my calling lies in those two fields.

Who says you can’t be a philosopher and a priest? Or was St. Thomas Aquinas a nobody? I think God is calling me to be a philosopher. Bad philosophy is at the root of many problems in our society. It’s not at all contrary to living a priestly live. Indeed, religious life may afford you a chance to pursue Godly study as a means of sanctification. For the intellectual, one’s desk, that is, one’s study, is one’s cross. St. Thomas Aquinas, named above, followed that very Dominican ideal.

GodIsGracious:

Me and my friends who don’t want children interpret that line to mean, “Eat a bowl of fruit and do some math.”

Be fruitfilled and multiply?!

 

[Cashue]

It seems like a single life of (nearly)-complete autonomy is just my thing. For me, the single life just seems to work, and it seems that I would have no luck in extending myself in a serious relationship. Were I to go this route, though, it seems that I would still be missing one important component to being a good person.

Thoughts/comments/corrections, anyone? Any feedback would be appreciated.

I am 43 and a virgin (female) and have never had a relationship but as you can see from this thread there are many that have lead a single life and have successfully contributed to society in many different ways. Hey, Jesus never married and he died a virgin at 33 so we’re in good company

Maybe you will eventually turn to the priesthood but even if you don’t you can still spread the gospel, help others and lead a fulfilled life even if you never have children or have a sexual/intimate relationship with another human being.

 

[plato3]

I know someone who has been taking direction about every three weeks from a holy priest at an abbey somewhat near him. It has helped him immensely.

Why not contact the Benedictines?

if possible go on a retreat there. many people have had great help in discernment at a retreat.

tony d.

 

[anode]

I’m unsure what my ‘vocation’ is…

As I’ve stated in several threads, I’m 54 years old. I’ve always been single, and as the OP said, NEVER been in a relationship. I have male friends-single, married, AND priests-but never been in any kind of relationship with a man that would have resulted in marriage. Tell the truth, I was never too keen on marriage. I respect it as a human institution and as a sacrament, but I never felt ‘called’ to it. Never cared for sex, and I always felt I couldn’t ‘make it’ as a mother, especially in the world today.

After my confirmation in 1966-the ‘big, bad Sixties’-I read more about my Faith, and I was especially attracted to the lives of the Saints. When I turned 15, I thought of the contemplative religious life, and I began a correspondence with a monastery of Discalced Carmelite nuns. I wrote to them and visited with them ‘officially’ from 1970 to 1977; but in the latter year I was informed by the Mother Prioress that I had ‘a love and a loyalty to the Order, but not a vocation’. And I accepted the decision-one of the few occasions where ‘grace’ was at work for me.

As the months and years went on, I was wondering what to do with my life. In 1979, I was accepted into the SFOs, making profession in 1980. I was in the fraternity till 1988. I left because the people in charge wanted to disregard the directives of the ‘higher-ups’ in the leadership ‘food chain’ and ‘do their own thing’. I objected to this decision, and when they ignored me, I walked out.

Then in 1994, an OCDS chapter was going to start in my area. I still had a love for the Carmelites, despite being ‘rejected’ by the nuns in 1977. I joined the new group, received the Scapular in 1995, and made first profession in 1997. I loved being in this group-but I was unable to made final profession in 2000. I had to go through a grueling period of written and verbal evaluations by the people in charge-and I ‘failed’. I was ‘charitably dismissed’ from the community.

As the years have gone by, I keep wondering what is to be my ‘vocation’. I’m not overly ‘smart’ intellect-wise. I’m not very ‘organized’ or an ‘initiator’ type. I go to the TLM exclusively now, but the chapel where I attend the Mass does not have a ‘parish life’. The priests who come to say the Mass and hear confessions come from out of town.

I feel very ‘useless’ because I’m considered to be ‘old’ in my middle age. Sometimes I wish that I could be a consecrated virgin, but I have no spiritual director. I spoke once to a priest who was the vocations director in my diocese, but he had to leave that post because of an accusation of sexual abuse. Most of the people who are in upper echelons of the chancery are liberal, anyway. They don’t really understand Catholics who are ‘traditional’.

I think that ‘single’ is a ‘six-letter dirty word’ as far as the Church is concerned. If you’re not involved in some sort of ‘ministry’ [can’t stand that word-should be restricted to the clergy alone], then you’re a nobody…

Just my vent…I don’t know if other frequenters of these forums feel the same way…

Barb, I still think that you might have a religious vocation to a trad community and should pursue it, if you’re still interested. I think many of them would not consider you old. You yourself know of two who are entering cloistered OCD’s who are your age–Nunsense and (probably) Laudem. There are a lot of trad active communities out there also. I see a number on the CMSWR website that are active, in habit, appear small and not growing fast, that I’ve never heard of. Surely these don’t have low cut-off rates for applicants.

I think that the rules, even among trad groups, have changed a lot over the years, about who’s acceptable and who is not. And I don’t think you have to be young or an intellectual or a go-getter to be eligible.